Rodrick Rules (5 page)

cleanup this juice spill?"

Rowley got "Nurse" on his job chart, and he seemed pretty happy about it. A

couple of girls got Nurse, too, and they were chatting away with Rowley after

class.

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Next year I have to remember to sit next to Rowley and copy his job form so I can

get in on some of that action.

[Image: A cartoon of a girl talking to the boys.]

Saturday

Me and Rodrick were just sitting around the house today, so Mom sent us over to

Gramma's to rake her leaves.

Mom said she'd pay us $100 in Mom Bucks for each bag we filled. Plus, Gramma

said she'd give us hot chocolate after we were finished.

I really didn't feel like working on a Saturday, but I needed the cash. Besides,

Gramma makes really awesome hot chocolate. So we got some rakes and plastic

bags from our garage and headed down to Gramma's house.

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I took one side of the yard, and Rodrick took the other. But ten minutes into the

job, Rodrick came over and told me I was doing everything all wrong.

[Image: A cartoon of a two boys cleaning up and collecting the dried leaves.] "No,

No, No!"

Rodrick said I was putting WAY too many leaves in each bag, and that if I just tied

the bag closer to the bottom, I could get done a lot quicker.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy pointing at a bundle and talking to his friend.]

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See, now this is the kind of advice you're SUPPOSED to get from your older

brother.

After Rodrick showed me that trick, we went through bags like nobody's business.

In fact, we ran out in half an hour.

Gramma didn't seem too happy about forking over the hot chocolate when we

came inside. But like they say, a deal's a deal.

[Image: A cartoon of a teacher and two boys in the class.] "Ahhhh!"

Monday

Ever since Career Day, Rowley has been spending lunch with a bunch of girls who

sit at the corner table in the cafeteria. I guess the group of them is like the Future

Nurses of America or something.

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Don't ask me WHAT they talk about over there. They just whisper and giggle like

a bunch of first-graders.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy trying to listen to his whispering friend's sitting on the

other table.] "Psst Psst Psst!

Hee Hee Hee!"

All I can say is, they better not be talking about ME.

You remember how I said Rodrick is the only one who knows about that really

embarrassing thing that happened to me over the summer? Well, Rowley knows

the SECOND most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me, and I really don't

need him digging it back up.

Back in fifth grade, we had a project in Spanish where we had to do a skit in front

of the class, and my partner was Rowley.

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We had to do the whole skit in Spanish. Rowley asked me what I would do for a

candy bar, and I said I'd stand on my head.

But when I tried to do a headstand, I tipped over, and my rear end went right

through the wall.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy doing a headstand as the teacher and the children look

at him.] "Estario Parado En Mi Ay-Ay-Ay!"

Well, the school never bothered to fix the hole, so for the rest of my time in

elementary school, my butt-print was on display in Mrs. Gonzales's room.

And if Rowley's spreading that story around, believe me I'm gonna tell the whole

world who ate the Cheese.

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Wednesday

Today I realized that if I wanted to know what Rowley and those girls are talking

about at lunch, all I have to do is read his DIARY. I'll bet he's writing down all

sorts of juicy gossip in that thing.

The problem is, Rowley's diary is LOCKED. So even if I got ahold of it, I wouldn't

have any way to open it. But then I thought of something. All I had to do was buy

the same exact diary HE has, and then I'd have a key.

So I went to the bookstore tonight and got the last one on the shelf. I just hope

buying this thing was worth it, because I had to cash in half of my Mom Bucks to

pay for it. And I don't think Dad was too thrilled with the idea of me buying a

Sweet Secrets Diary, either.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy with his father in a shop buying a diary.]

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Thursday

After Phys Ed today, I saw that Rowley accidentally left his diary on the bench. So

when the coast was clear, I used my new key on his diary, and sure enough, it

worked.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy opening a diary with a key in the room.]

I opened it up and started reading.

[Image: A page of a Secret Diary.] "Dear Diary, Today I played with my

Dinoblazer action figures again. It was Mecharex vs. Triceraclops and Mecharex

bited Triceraclops in the tail

Ow! Darn"

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[Image: A page of a Secret Diary.] "And then Triceraclops turned around and said

oh yeah well how do you like that and he shot Mecharex right in the heinie.

Ow No Fair."

I flipped through the rest of the book to see if my name was in there anywhere, but

it was just page after page of this garbage.

After seeing what's going on in Rowley's head, I'm kind of starting to wonder why

I'm even friends with him in the first place.

Saturday

Things at home have been really good for about a week. Rodrick has the flu, so he

doesn't have the energy to bother me. And Manny has been at Gramma's, so I've

had the TV all to myself.

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Yesterday, Mom and Dad made a surprise announcement. They said they were

going away for the night, and that me and Rodrick were in charge of the house.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy lying on the sofa as his parents and brother look at

him.]

That was some pretty big news, because Mom and Dad have NEVER left me and

Rodrick on our own before.

I think they've always been afraid that if they go away, Rodrick is gonna have a

huge party and trash the house.

But with Rodrick knocked out with the flu, they must've seen their big chance. So

after Mom gave us a speech about "responsibility" and "trust" and all that, they

took off.

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The SECOND Mom and Dad walked out the door, Rodrick jumped up off of the

couch and picked up the phone. Then he called every friend he knew and told them

he was having a party.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to many friends.]

I thought about calling Mom and Dad to tell them what Rodrick was up to, but I've

never actually BEEN to a high school party before, so I was curious. I decided to

just keep my mouth shut and soak it all in.

Rodrick told me to get some folding tables out of the basement and bring a couple

of bags of ice out of the downstairs freezer. Rodrick's friends started to show up

around 7:00 and before you knew it, there were cars parked up and down the street.

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The first person to walk through the door was Rodrick's friend Ward. A bunch

more people started showing up after that, and Rodrick told me we were gonna

need more tables. So I went downstairs to get them.

But as soon as I stepped foot in the basement, I heard the door lock behind me.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy standing outside his house at the staircase.] "Click"

I pounded on the door, but Rodrick just cranked up the music to drown me out. So

I was stuck down there.

Man, I should've known Rodrick would go and pull something like that.

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I guess it was pretty dumb of me to think Rodrick was gonna let me in on the

action.

It sounded like it was a pretty wild party. I think some GIRLS even showed up at

one point, but I couldn't be too sure, because it was hard to keep track of what was

going on from just looking at the bottoms of people's shoes.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy crawing up the stairs to his house.]

The party was still going strong at 2:00 A.M. but that's when I gave up. I spent the

night on one of the spare beds in the basement, even though there were no blankets

on it. I practically froze to death, but there was no WAY I was gonna use a blanket

from Rodrick's bed.

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Somebody must've unlocked the basement door overnight, because when I woke

up this morning, it was open. And when I walked upstairs, it looked like a tornado

had touched down in the family room.

The last of Rodrick's friends wasn't gone until 3:00 in the afternoon. And once

everyone left, Rodrick told me I had to help him clean up.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy standing at the door of a messy room.]

I told Rodrick he was out of his mind if he thought I was helping. But then Rodrick

said that if he got busted for the party, he was taking ME down with him.

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He said if I didn't help him clean up the mess, he would tell all my friends about

the thing that happened to me this summer.

I couldn't believe Rodrick would play dirty like that. But I could tell he was

serious, so I just got to work.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy cleaning the room as the other goes on dirtying it.]

Mom and Dad were supposed to be back by 7:00, and we still had a TON of work

to do.

It wasn't easy to erase all the evidence of the party, because Rodrick's friends had

left trash in all these crazy places. At one point, when I went to make myself a

bowl of cereal, a half-eaten piece of pizza fell out of the box.

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By 6:45, we had things pretty well wrapped up. I went upstairs to take a shower,

and that's when I saw the message written on the inside of the bathroom door.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy calling out someone from outside the door.] "Hi

Rodrick"

I tried scrubbing the writing off with soap and water, but whoever wrote that thing

must've used a permanent marker.

Mom and Dad were gonna be home any minute, so I thought we were doomed. But

then Rodrick had a genius idea. He said we could switch the door out and

REPLACE it with a closet door from the basement.

So we got some screwdrivers and went to work.

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[Image: A cartoon of two boys unscrewing the door.] "Rodrick"

We finally managed to get the door off its hinges, and then we carried it

downstairs.

Then we got the closet door from Rodrick's room in the basement and brought it

UPSTAIRS.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys carrying the door downstairs.]

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We made it with no time to spare. Mom and Dad's car rolled into the driveway

right when we were tightening the last screw.

You could tell they were pretty relieved the house hadn't burned down while they

were away.

I don't think we're totally out of the woods just yet. Because with the way Dad was

poking around tonight, I'm sure it won't be long before he figures out about the

party.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking for something under the sofa with a torch

light.] "Sniff Sniff"

Well, Rodrick might have lucked out this time, but all I can say is, he should be

glad MANNY wasn't there to see the party. Manny is a HUGE tattletale. In fact,

he's been telling on me ever since he could talk. He's even told on me for stuff I did

BEFORE he could talk.

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When I was a kid, I broke the sliding glass door in the family room. Mom and Dad

didn't have any evidence that I was the one who did it, so they couldn't peg it on

me, and I was in the clear. But Manny was there when it happened, and two years

later, he squealed on me.

[Image: A cartoon of a child complaining about his brother to his parents.] "Bubby

thowed wock at big window."

So after Manny started talking, I had to worry about all the bad things he saw me

do when he was a baby.

[Image: A cartoon of a hitting the child with his water gun.] " S quirt Squirt"

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I used to be a big tattletale myself until I learned my lesson. One time, I told on

Rodrick for saying a bad word. Mom asked me which word he said, so I spelled it

out. And it was a long one, too.

Well, I ended up getting a bar of soap in my mouth for knowing how to spell a bad

word, and Rodrick got off scot-free.

[Image: A cartoon of a mother looking at her son whose mouth is stuffed with

soap.]

Monday

Tomorrow, I have an English assignment due where I have to write an "allegory"

That's basically a story that says one thing but means something else. I was having

trouble getting inspired, but then I saw Rodrick outside working on his van, and I

got an idea.

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Rory Screws Up by Greg Heffley

Once upon a time there was this monkey named Rory. The family he lived with

loved him very much, even though he was constantly screwing things up.

[Image: A cartoon of a man looking angrily at the monkey.] "Rory!!!"

One day Rory accidentally rang the doorbell, and everybody thought he did it one

purpose. So they gave him some bananas as a reward.

[Image: A cartoon of two people talking to a mankey.] "You are so smart, Rory!

EEE! EEE!"

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Well, now Rory was going around thinking he was some sort of monkey genius or

something. And one day, he heard his owner say--

[Image: A cartoon of a man talking to a monkey and a lady.] "My dang car is

broke!"

So Rory's primitive mind raced to formulate a plan. And here is what he eventually

came up with:

[Image:. A cartoon of a thinking monkey.] "Rory...fix...kar!"