Authors: Jeff Kinney
for letting me know."
Then, during a test, I'd aim my glass eye down at my OWN paper, and I'd look at
some brainy kid's paper with my REAL eye.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy trying to cheat from the boys copy during test.]
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I could copy away! And the teacher would be too dumb to notice.
[Image: A cartoon of a man.] "That poor glass eye kid."
Unfortunately, I DON'T have a glass eye. So if Mom asks me why I flunked my
pop quiz in Pre-Algebra today, that's my excuse.
Sunday
Rodrick has been hitting Mom and Dad up for cash lately, so I guess the Mom
Bucks program isn't really working out for him. Mom has tried to make Rodrick do
more chores to earn some money, but that hasn't been going too well.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy cleaning the door and his father telling him how to do
so.] "Is this how you do it?
You need to be using a clean rag, son!"
129
But tonight, Mom figured out a way Rodrick could earn some cash. My school sent
home a newsletter saying that Music Education has been cancelled because of
budget cuts, so parents should get their kids private music lessons.
Mom told Rodrick he could give ME private drum lessons, and that she would
PAY him for it.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy reading a book on the sofa as his mom and brother talk
to him.]
I think Mom came up with the idea because lately Rodrick's been telling everyone
he's a "professional drummer."
There's this local show called the "Community Follies" where all the neighborhood
parents do a bunch of comedy skits, and it's been running in our local theater for
about two weeks.
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The other night, the regular drummer got sick, so Rodrick filled in, and he got paid
five bucks.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy playing the drums in a performance by two men.]
"(Corny joke, corny joke)
Yuk yuk yuk!"
I don't know if that really makes Rodrick a "professional drummer," but that didn't
stop me from using it to score points with the girls at school.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to the two girls in the class.] "My brother's
professional drummer!"
131
When Mom told Rodrick he should start giving me drum lessons, he wasn't too hot
on the idea. But then Mom said she'd pay him ten dollars a lesson, and that I could
get a bunch of my friends to sign up, too.
So now I've gotta recruit some people for Rodrick's Drum Academy. And I can
already tell, this isn't gonna be a lot of fun.
Monday
I couldn't get any of my friends to sign up for Rodrick's drum school except
Rowley, and I kind of had to trick HIM into doing it. Rowley is always saying he
wants to learn how to play the drums, but he wants to play the kind they use in
marching bands.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys talking about the performance.] "Crash"
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I told Rowley I knew for a FACT that Rodrick was going to cover all that stuff in
week four, and that got Rowley pretty excited.
I was just glad I wasn't gonna have to take drum lessons all by myself.
Rowley came over after school, and we went down to the basement to start our
first lesson. Rodrick started us off with some pretty basic drum drills.
There was only one practice pad and two drumsticks, so Rowley had to use a paper
plate and some plastic utensils. But I guess that's what happens when you're the
last person to sign up for a class.
[Image: A cartoon of a reading as the other practice drumming with plates and
spoons, in the bedroom.] "Tappity tap"
133
After about fifteen minutes, Rodrick got a call from Ward, and that put an end to
our first lesson.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking on the phone and the other two listening to
him.] "Class is dismissed early today."
Mom wasn't too happy to see me and Rowley upstairs so soon, and she sent us
back down to the basement. She said not to come up until Rodrick had at least
given us a practice assignment. So he did.
[Image: A cartoon of a bou lying in his bed and talking to his two friends.] "Your
homework is to listen to some music with drums in it."
134
Tuesday
Me and Rowley had drum lessons with Rodrick again today.
Well, Rodrick might be a good drummer, but he's not a good teacher. Me and
Rowley tried our best to do the drills Rodrick taught us, but every time we messed
up, Rodrick would get frustrated.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy telling his friends how to drum in the bedroom.]
"Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Oops."
Eventually, he got so fed up that he took our drumsticks away. Rodrick sat down at
his drum set and told us to "watch and learn." Then he started doing this really long
drum solo that didn't have anything to do with the drills he was teaching us.
135
[Image: A cartoon of a boy playing the drums and the other boys watching.]
Rodrick didn't even look up from his drum set when me and Rowley left and went
upstairs.
I'm not complaining, though. Because the way I see it, this way everyone wins.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys playing a video game and their mother watching
them.] "Ba-dum bum crash bam"
Thursday
We've got a History paper due the day before Thanksgiving, and I'd better start
getting serious about it.
136
The teachers are getting a lot stricter about the quality of work we turn in, and the
way I usually do things isn't working so good anymore.
Last week we had a paper due in Science, and Mrs. Breckman said we had to
choose an animal to write about. So I picked the moose. I know I should have gone
to the library and done research, but I just decided to wing it.
The Amazing Moose by Greg Heffley
Diet: The moose eats many, many things, but the list would be way too long to put
in this paper. So I will save us all some time by just listing the things that the
moose does NOT eat.
BUBBLE GUM METAL PIZZA
[Image: A cartoon of a cook offering a steaming pizza to a Moose.] "Your pizza,
sir.
No, really...I couldn't."
137
Even though there are moose habitats set up all over the place, the moose is almost
extinct.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy and a Moose talking.] "But we smell a heck of a lot
better than antelopes.
Oh.
I said extinct!"
Everybody knows the moose evolved from birds, just like people did, But
somewhere along the line people got arms, and the moose got stuck with those
useless horns.
[Image: A cartoon showing the change of baby to man and a baby moose to a
Moose.] "Yay!
RATS."
138
I actually thought I did a pretty good job. But I guess Mrs. Breckman must be an
expert on mooses or something, because she made me go to the library and start
the paper over from scratch.
And my NEXT paper isn't gonna be any easier. I have to write a poem about the
1900s for Mr. Huff's class, and I don't know the first thing about History OR
poetry. So I guess I'd better start hitting the books.
Monday
I was up at Rowley's playing board games yesterday, and the craziest thing
happened. When Rowley was in the bathroom, I noticed that there was some play
money sticking out of the box of one of the other games.
[Image: A $20 note of play money.]
139
I couldn't believe my eyes. Because the play money inside that game was the
EXACT same kind of money Mom uses for Mom Bucks.
When I counted it up, there was something like $100,000 in cash in that box.
It only took me about two seconds to figure out what to do next.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy leaving the room with a bag full of money and another
boy is talking to him.] "What should we play now?
Gotta go!"
When I got home, I ran upstairs and stuffed the money under my mattress. I tossed
and turned all night trying to figure out what to do with my new Mom Bucks.
140
I realized Mom would probably have some way of knowing the difference between
phony Mom Bucks and the real thing. So this morning, I decided to try a little
experiment.
I asked Mom if I could cash in some Mom Bucks so I could buy stamps to write
my pen pal. I was really nervous when I handed Mom the money.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy giving money to his mother.]
But she took it without even blinking.
I can't believe my luck! I figure I can make this $100,000 last all the way through
high school, and maybe even farther. I might not even have to get a real job later
on.
The trick will be to not cash in too much at one time, or Mom will know
something's up.
141
And I have to remember to earn a few Mom Bucks for real here and there so she
doesn't get too suspicious.
I will say one thing for sure, though, and it's that I won't be using the money Mom
gave me to buy stamps.
I got a picture from my pen-pal, Mamadou, in the mail yesterday, and that pretty
much killed any chance of me writing HIM back.
[Image: A picture of man playing a guitar.] ""Super Cool""
142
Tuesday
My big History paper is due tomorrow, but they've been saying all week that it's
gonna snow about a FOOT tonight.
So I haven't really been sweating it all that much.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy watching T.V.]
At around 10:00, I peeked out the window to see how many inches of snow were
on the ground so far. But I couldn't believe my eyes when I pulled back the curtain.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking out of the window.]
143
Man, I was counting on school being CANCELLED tomorrow. I turned on the
news to see what happened, but the weather guy was telling a TOTALLY different
story than he was three hours ago.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy watching two people in the T.V.] "We really dodged a
bullet this time, Bob!
You can say that again. Barbara! Ha ha ha!"
That meant I had to get cracking on my History paper. The problem was, it was too
late to go to the library, and we don't have any books in our house that are about
the 1900s. So I knew I had to think of something quick.
Then I had a great idea.
144
Dad has bailed Rodrick out a MILLION times on his school papers. So I figured he
could help me, too.
I told Dad about my situation, thinking he'd jump right in and help. But I guess
Dad has learned his lesson in that department.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy standing behind a man sitting in the chair.] "Good luck
with that!"
Rodrick must have overheard me talking to Dad, because he told me I should
follow him downstairs.
You know how Rodrick had Mr. Huff, my History teacher, in middle school? Well,
it turns out Mr. Huff gave Rodrick's class the EXACT same assignment when he
was in my grade.
145
Rodrick dug around in his junk drawer and found his old paper. And then he told
me he'd sell it to me for five bucks.
I told him there was no WAY I'd do that.
I'll admit, it was pretty tempting. Because number one, since all of Rodrick's
assignments have gone through Dad, I knew Rodrick got a good grade on his
paper. And number two, it was in one of those clear plastic binders that teachers go
crazy for.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy sitting on the bed as the other boy looks at him.]
Plus, I had a huge stash of Mom Bucks under my mattress upstairs, and I knew I
could pay Rodrick with that.
146
But I couldn't do it. I mean, I've copied off of people's papers on quizzes and stuff
before, but BUYING a paper off of someone would be taking it to a whole another
level.
So I decided I was gonna just have to suck it up and do the paper myself.
I started doing some research on the computer, but at about midnight, the worst
possible thing happened: The power went out.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy at his study desk.] "Blink!"
That's when I knew I was in some serious trouble. I knew I'd flunk History if I
didn't turn in a paper. So even though I didn't want to, I decided to take Rodrick up
on his offer.
147
I scraped together $500 in Mom Bucks and went down to the basement. But
Rodrick didn't let me off that easy.
[Image: A cartoon of a person in bed and a boy holding a candle is standing near
him.] "My fees has gone up."
Rodrick told me his new price was $20,000 in Mom Bucks. I told him I didn't have
it, so he just rolled over and went back to sleep.
At that point, I was really desperate. So I went upstairs and grabbed a big handful
of thousand dollar bills and brought them down to Rodrick's room. I gave him the
money, and he turned over the paper. I felt really bad about what I did, but I just
tried not to think about it and went to sleep.
148
Wednesday
On the bus ride to school, I took Rodrick's paper out of my bag. But I took one
look at it and knew something was seriously wrong.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy sitting in the bus reading a paper.] "Uh oh."
First of all, the poem wasn't typed out. It was in Rodrick's won handwriting.
That's when it hit me: Dad only started doing Rodrick's papers for him once he got
to HIGH school. So that meant this paper was Rodrick's OWN work.