Rodrick Rules (2 page)

[Image: A picture of a boy and a note in French.] "Je m'appelle "Philippe""

Friday

Mom decided to start making Rodrick pick me up after school, just like he picked

me up after swim practice. I guess that means she didn't learn from THAT

experience. But I did. So when Rodrick picked me up today, I asked him to please

take it easy on the brakes.

21

Rodrick said OK, but then he went out of his way to find every speed bump in

town.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy driving his truck rashly over the speed breakers.]

"Ouch

Crash"

When I got out of the van, I called Rodrick a big jerk, and then it got physical.

Mom saw the whole thing unfold from the living room window.

[Image: A cartoon of the two boys fighting their mother looks at them.]

22

Mom made us come inside, and she sat us down at the kitchen table. Then she said

me and Rodrick were going to have to settle our differences in a "civil manner."

Mom told me and Rodrick we each had to write down what we did wrong, and

then we had to draw a picture to go along with it. And I knew exactly where Mom

was going with THAT idea.

Mom used to be a preschool teacher, and whenever a kid would do something

wrong, she'd make him draw a picture of it. I guess the idea was to make the kid

feel ashamed of what he did so he wouldn't do it again.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy breaking the crayons I front of the three crying

children.] "I will not break the crayons because that makes the other children very

sad."

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Well, Mom's idea might have worked great on a bunch of four-year-olds, but she's

going to have to think of something better if she wants me and Rodrick to get

along.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy teasing a child.] "I will not call Rodrick names.

Bunny Rabbit!

Waaaah!"

[Image: A cartoon of a boy pushing another off the edge.] "I will not push Gregory.

Aieee!"

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The truth is, Rodrick can pretty much treat me any way he wants, because he

knows there's nothing I can do about it.

See, Rodrick is the only one who knows about this REALLY embarrassing thing

that happened to me over the summer, and he's been holding it over my head ever

since. So if I ever tell on him for anything, he'll spill my secret to the whole world.

I just wish I had some dirt on HIM to even things out.

I do know ONE embarrassing thing about Rodrick, but I don't think it's gonna do

me any good.

When Rodrick was a sophomore, he was sick the day they did school photos. So

Mom told Dad to mail in Rodrick's freshman picture for the school to use in the

yearbook.

Don't ask me how Dad screwed this up, but he sent in Rodrick's SECOND-grade

picture.

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And believe it or not, it actually got printed.

[Image: Pictures of four children .] " Harrington Leonard

Hatley Andrew

Heffley Rodrick

Hills Heather"

Unfortunately, Rodrick was smart enough to rip that page out of his yearbook. So

if I'm ever gonna find something to use against him, I guess I have to keep digging.

Wednesday

Ever since Mom assigned the dishes to me and Rodrick, Dad's been going down to

the furnace room after dinner to work on this miniature Civil War battlefield of his.

[Image: A cartoon of a man making a model of a battle field.]

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Dad spends at least three hours a night down there working on that thing. I think

Dad would be happy to spend the whole weekend working on his battlefield, but

Mom has OTHER plans for him.

Mom likes to rent these romantic comedies, and she makes Dad watch them with

her. But I know Dad is just waiting for the first chance to break away and go back

down to the basement.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy thinking about his model as he watches T.V with his

Mom.] "Kiss Smooch"

Whenever Dad can't be down in the furnace room, he makes sure us kids keep

away from it.

27

Dad won't let me or Rodrick go NEAR his battlefield, because he thinks we're

gonna mess something up.

And earlier today I overheard Dad say something to Manny to make sure HE

doesn't go poking around back there, either.

[Image: A cartoon of a man talking to the child.] "I think I just heard some

grunting noises coming from the furnace room."

Saturday

Rowley came over to my house today. Dad doesn't like it when Rowley comes

over, because Dad always says Rowley is "accident prone." I think it's because this

one time Rowley was eating dinner here, and he dropped a plate and broke it.

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So now Dad has this idea that Rowley is going to ruin his whole Civil War

battlefield in one klutzy move.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy bouncing and about to land on the model.] "Duh,

Bounce."

Whenever Rowley comes over to my house these days, he gets the same greeting:

[Image: A cartoon of a man opening the door and warning the boy as he enters.]

"The Basement is off Limits

Yes, Sir."

29

Rowley's dad doesn't like ME, either. That's why I don't go over to his house much

anymore.

The last time I spent the night at Rowley's, we watched this movie where some

kids taught themselves a secret language that no grown-ups could understand.

[Image: A cartoon of two children sitting and speaking in a secret language.]

"Beegle Boddle Brup Bop!

Bork!"

TRANSLATION: AT EXACTLY 2:30 P.M., LET'S ALL DROP OUR BOOKS

ON THE FLOOR.

Me and Rowley thought that was pretty cool, and we tried to figure out how to talk

in the same language the kids were using in the movie.

But we couldn't really get the hang of it, so we made up our OWN secret language.

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Then we tried it out at dinner.

[Image: A cartoon of a family at dinner time. The two boys talking to each other in

a secret language.] "Your- pa dad-pa smells -pa like -pa a woman-pa!

Hee Hee Hee!"

But Rowley's dad must have cracked our code, because I ended up getting sent

home before dessert. And I haven't been invited to spend the night at Rowley's ever

since.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy leaving the house in the night.]

31

When Rowley came over to my house today, he brought a bunch of pictures form

his trip with him. He said the best part of his vacation was when they went on a

river safari, and he showed me all these blurry pictures of birds and stuff.

Now, I've been to the Wild Kingdom amusement park a bunch of times, and they

have this River Rapids ride where they have these awesome robot animals like

gorillas and dinosaurs.

If you ask me, Rowley's parents should have just saved their money and taken him

there instead.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys talking in the room.] "Did you see any sharks

fighting giant tarantulas on your safari?

No, and sharks don't fight tarantulas.

Well, at wild kingdom they do."

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But of course Rowley didn't want to hear about MY experiences, so he just

gathered up his pictures and went back home.

Tonight after dinner, Mom made Dad watch one of the movies she rented, but Dad

really wanted to work on his Civil War battlefield.

When Mom got up to go to the bathroom, Dad stuffed a bunch of pillows under the

blanket on his side of the bed to make it look like he was asleep.

Mom didn't find out about Dad's decoy until after the movie was over.

[Image: A cartoon of a woman standing behind a man as he works on the model.]

She made Dad come to bed, even though it was only 8:30.

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And now Manny sleeps in Mom and Dad's bed, because he's afraid of the monster

that lives in the furnace room.

[Image: A cartoon of a man lying awake as his wife sleeps beside him.]

Tuesday

I thought I was done hearing about Rowley's trip, but I was wrong. Yesterday, our

Social Studies teacher asked Rowley to tell the class all about his vacation, and

today he came to school wearing this ridiculous costume. But what was even

WORSE was when some girls came up to Rowley at lunch and started kissing his

butt.

[Image: A cartoon of two girls talking to the boys at the dinning table in school.]

"Will tells us more about your trip?

"SI!" Heh,Heh"

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But then I realized maybe that wasn't such a bad thing after all. So I started

parading Rowley around the cafeteria, because after all, he IS my best friend.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys talking and a girl looking at them.] "Rowley here

just go back from south Dakota!

South America!

Whatever!"

Saturday

Dad has been taking me to the mall every Saturday for the past few weeks. At first,

I thought it was because he wanted to spend more time with me. But then I realized

he's just making sure he's out of the house for Rodrick's band practices, which I can

totally understand.

Rodrick and his heavy-metal band practice in the basement on weekends.

35

The lead singer of the band is this guy named Bill Walter, and me and Dad bumped

into Bill on the way out the door today.

[Image: A cartoon of a guitarist greeting the man and his son.] "Mornin' Mr.

Heffley!"

Bill doesn't have a job, and he still lives with his parents, even though he's

thirty-five years old.

I'm pretty sure Dad's worst fear is that Rodrick is going to see Bill as some kind of

role model, and that Rodrick will want to follow in Bill's footsteps.

So whenever Dad sees Bill, it just puts him in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

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The reason Rodrick invited Bill to be in his band was because Bill got voted "Most

Likely to Be a Rock Star" when HE was in high school.

Most Likely to Be a Rock Star

[Image: A picture of two people.] "Bill Walter

Anna Wrentham"

That hasn't really worked out for Bill yet. And I think I heard Anna Wrentham is in

prison.

Anyway, me and Dad went to the mall for a few hours today, but when we got

back, Rodrick's band practice wasn't over yet. You could hear the guitars and

drums from a block away, and there were a bunch of random teenagers hanging out

in our driveway.

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I guess they must have heard the music coming out of the basement and got drawn

to it, sort of like how moths get drawn to a light.

When Dad saw all those teenagers in the driveway, he TOTALLY freaked out.

[Image: A cartoon of four boys in the driveway and a boy in a truck.]

Dad ran inside to call the cops, but Mom stopped him before he could dial 911.

Mom said those teenagers weren't doing any harm, and that they were just

"appreciating" Rodrick's music. But I don't even know how she could say that with

a straight face. And if you ever heard Rodrick's band, you'd know what I mean.

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Dad couldn't relax with all those teenagers out in our driveway.

[Image: A cartoon of a person peeping out of the window to look at the two boys

talking.]

So Dad went upstairs and got his boom box. Then he put in a classical music CD

and let it play. And you would not BELIEVE how quickly the driveway cleared

out after that.

[Image: A cartoon of a man playing music from the window and three children

walking away.]

39

Dad was pretty proud of himself for thinking up that one. But Mom accused him of

getting rid of Rodrick's "fans" on purpose.

[Image: A cartoon of a man and a waman talking as the music plays on.] "What? I

can't enjoy my music, too?"

Sunday

Today, on the car ride to church, I was making faces at Manny, trying to get him to

laugh. I made this one face that made Manny laugh so hard that apple juice came

out of his nose.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy making faces at the small child and making him laugh.]

"Bwah Ha Ha!"

40

But then Mom said:

[Image: A cartoon of the two children in the back of the car and their mother

driving.] "You could have killed him!"

Well, once Mom put that thought in Manny's head, it was all over.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking at the crying child.]

See? This is the reason I keep my distance from Manny. Every time I try to have a

little fun with him, I end up regretting it.

I remember when I was younger, and Mom and Dad told me I was getting a little

brother. I was REALLY excited.

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After all those years of getting pushed around by Rodrick, I was definitely ready to

move up a notch on the totem pole.

[Image: Cartoons of a boy kicking the small child.] "Yaah!

Yaah!"

But Mom and Dad have always been SUPER protective of Manny, and they won't

let me lay a finger on him, even if he totally deserves it.

Like the other day, I plugged in my video game system, and it wouldn't start. I

opened it up and found out that Manny had stuffed a chocolate-chip cookie in the

disc drive.

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And of course Manny used the same excuse he ALWAYS uses when he breaks my

stuff.

[Image: A cartoon of a child complaining to his parents.] "I'm Ownwy Thwee!

I really wanted to let Manny have it, but I couldn't do anything with Mom standing

right there.

Mom said she would have a "talk" with Manny, and they went downstairs. A half