Other Side of the Wall (18 page)

Chapter 19

The
clock was my enemy as the next week ticked by at an accelerated rate. Scott was
returning home on New Year’s Day. I knew he couldn’t stay, and I knew it wasn’t
time for me to go, but it didn’t help with the sadness I felt at his impending
departure. We tried to savor every moment, but there just didn’t seem to be
enough hours in the day. We even tried not to stay too busy. Instead, we just tried
to relax at home or on the beach, but it didn’t lengthen the days.

I
woke up on New Year’s Day, on one hand looking forward to the possibility that
lay ahead in the coming year, but on the other hand dreading saying goodbye to
Scott for the next six weeks. He planned to return for Valentine’s Day. We met early
at the pool, one last time; it had become our morning routine. We didn’t swim
much and we probably kissed way more than my daddy was comfortable with, but I
wanted to savor every last moment with him. I don’t know how many times we
uttered, “I love you,” but it didn’t seem to be enough.

As
I got dressed, I seriously considered going back with him. Maybe his mom was
right. Why were we waiting? But I had to remind myself it was just a short year
ago that we were both married to other people. Sure, I had been separated from
Peter for months at that point, but I was still married. I also reminded myself
that Scott needed to fully come to terms with all the changes in his life. I
believed him when he said he loved me and that we were meant to be together,
but his wife hadn’t even been gone a year yet. I knew I needed to be patient. I
only wanted to do this marriage thing one more time. I wanted to give ourselves
the best chance for success.

My
parents and Tucker said their goodbyes after breakfast, which left me to walk
him out. He had already packed his rental car. I don’t know if I had ever
walked slower down our sidewalk, than I did to his car. When we approached the
driver’s side, he leaned me up against the car and lovingly looked into my eyes
as he stroked my tear stained cheeks.

He
softly kissed every inch of my face. “I love you, Ava,” he whispered between
kisses.   When the kisses ceased he held my gaze. “Don’t forget to wear your
ring every day.”

I
looked at my beautiful ring. “How will everyone know you’re unavailable?”

He
smiled at me. “Ava, all they’ll have to do is look at me and they’ll know.”

I
smiled and cried harder.

He
hugged me tight. “I’ll be back for you,” he whispered in my ear. Then he gave
me one of those long, sweet goodbye kisses, and he left.

It
was funny how time seemed to stand still while we were apart. Ok, maybe funny
wasn’t the word, frustrating was more like it. I tried to keep busy to help
pass the time. My momma had no problem helping there. When she had a project to
be done, she was like the energizer bunny until it was completed. She had me
painting, sewing and decorating at all times of the day. Of course, I took
breaks to talk to Scott on the phone or Skype with him. Thank goodness for
modern technology, but there was nothing like the real version. I also talked
to Myrna on a daily basis. She was so ready for me to be back. Oddly, I wanted
to be back too. I knew my parents wouldn’t be happy with that, but I knew
that’s where I would end up. I decided not to mention it to them until it was
time.

I
did enjoy being home with my family. And I tried to make the most of our time
together, knowing that someday I would go back to just visiting. Tucker came
over most nights, so we had family dinners like in the good ole days. I could
tell my momma loved it. I had a feeling she knew it wasn’t going to last
forever.

Valentine’s
Day weekend was cut short as Scott’s flight was delayed due to weather. We were
barely able to spend two days together. I could tell he, too, was getting
anxious to end our separation. I didn’t express it, but I wanted him to get
past that first year anniversary of Jenna’s passing. I was afraid of what that
realization would do to him. I don’t know exactly what I was afraid of; he
hadn’t pulled away or pushed me away at all. In fact, everyday he seemed surer
about us, but milestones like those affect everyone differently, and I was wary
after everything we had been through.

Scott
had planned to come back mid-March, but I had plans of my own. I felt like I
needed to be with him on the year mark. I remembered the year before when I
felt like I should have tried to help him, but I just couldn’t as I felt like I
had nothing to give. This year was different. I loved him, and I had to come to
terms with Jenna, too, so I booked a flight for March fifth.

As
I landed at O’Hare, I became a little nervous. I worried that perhaps he
wouldn’t want me with him. Maybe he wanted this to be a day for just him and
Jenna, but I knew he would be hurting, and if there was any chance at all he
wanted me to help him through it, I would be there for him.

I
drove on autopilot to where it all began. It was weird as I pulled up to my
house to see the for sale sign. We had had a few showings, but the winter had
been brutal here, and it kind of put a damper on selling it. At least it gave
me a place to stay for the next few days.

Nervously,
I walked up the shoveled sidewalk that led to Scott’s side. I noticed my side
was shoveled too. I didn’t have to ask who had done it. As I walked, I
remembered that first walk I took to his house with dinner. I had no idea what
that night would mean to me and how it would change my life. I had no idea I
would fall in love with the man on the other side of the wall.

I
took a deep breath and knocked. He didn’t answer right away.
Maybe he isn’t home,
I thought. Finally I heard some movement, and he opened the door. His face
registered pure surprise. “Ava,” he said. Just the way I loved it. I don’t know
what it was about the way he said my name, but it moved me.

I
bit my lip nervously. “I thought maybe you could use a friend today.”

He
smiled that perfect smile of his and pulled me to him and shut the door.
Neither of us said a word as we stood there embracing one another. After
several minutes, he kissed the top of my head. “Have I ever told you how much I
love you?”

“Yes,”
I said against his chest. “But feel free to remind me.”

He
looked down at me and cupped my face in his hands. “I love you, Ava.”

“That’s
good news, because I’m pretty crazy about you.”

He
hugged me tightly once more, and then he led me to the couch, where we sat. It
was then I noticed he had done a little redecorating of his own. The large
wedding photo was no longer above the mantle; in its place was the seascape
painting. I tried not to smile when I noticed. But I did smile when I
recognized the many pictures of the two of us that were now scattered
throughout his house. There were still a couple of small photos of him and
Jenna, but I was ok with it. I also noticed all the boxes that were scattered
about, so I asked him about them.

“Well,
I thought it was time to finally clear out all of Jenna’s things.”

I
looked at him lovingly. “I know that must be difficult for you.”

He
didn’t really respond. He just tapped my nose and half smiled.

I
reached up and touched his cheek. “What can I do for you today?”

He
thought for a moment. “Will you come to Jenna’s grave with me and then to her
parents’ house? I have some things of hers I know they would want.”

“Are
you sure you want me to come?”

“Yes,
Ava. I want you by my side.”

It
was my favorite place to be, so I agreed even though it made me nervous. First,
we stopped at the florist and got Jenna’s favorite flowers, purple orchids. It
was a quiet affair as we drove to the cemetery. It wasn’t an uncomfortable
silence, but emotions were loud. I knew Scott was sorrowful and contemplative,
and I didn’t want to intrude on those feelings. I was just going to be a
bystander and a leaning post if he needed it and wanted it.

We
trudged our way through the newly fallen snow. Scott held the flowers in one
hand and my hand in the other. I noticed he kept touching my ring. Maybe as a
reminder, I don’t know. But it was comforting to me all the same. As we
approached her grave site, I noticed his pace slowed. I couldn’t even imagine
how he must be feeling, but I followed his lead and slowed my own pace.

He
let go of my hand at our destination. Her grave was completely covered by snow.
He wiped the snow away with his coat-covered arm and he placed the flowers on
the unassuming grave. It was minimalistic, just like her. All it had on it was
her name, Jenna Ann Farr (I didn’t realize she never took Scott’s last name)
and birthdate of May 18,
^,
1979 and death date of March 5, 2013. She
was too young to die.

Scott
knelt in the snow in front of her grave. He didn’t say anything out loud, but I
could see his tears fall, and my heart ached for him. I didn’t know what I
should do or what would be appropriate, but I moved forward and gently placed
my left hand on his shoulder. He immediately raised his hand and placed it atop
of mine and held it. We stood like that for several minutes. The snow began to
lightly fall again. Scott looked up to the sky and smiled. I wasn’t sure why,
but I didn’t need to know. He stood up, took my hand, kissed my ring, and smiled
at me.

“I
love you.” It was all I could think to say.

He
smiled. “I know.”

We
quickly walked back to his car as the snow became heavier. He helped me in and
then quickly walked around to his side. When he got in, I could see a physical
change in him. He seemed lighter, and when he smiled, it shined in his eyes. He
turned toward me and took my face in his icy cold hands. He kissed me once,
briefly, on the lips. “Thank you.”

I
smiled in return. As we drove to her parents’ house, we didn’t discuss what he
said there silently; I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know. I just wanted him to
know I was here for him. We were no longer silent as we drove; I was grateful
for the conversation as I was very tense about meeting Jenna’s family,
especially under the circumstances. After all, this was a day of mourning for
them, too, and I here I was, wearing Scott’s ring. Her family didn’t live too
far away from Scott’s parents, but their house was a little more run down, and
the neighborhood was shabby.

As
we pulled in front of their house, I turned to Scott. “Do you think I should
wait in the car?”

He
smiled at me as he looked down at my left hand. He picked it up and kissed my
palm. “Maybe that’s a good idea.”

I
let out a huge sigh of relief. Scott left the car running and the heater on for
his southern girl who was freezing. He opened the hatch and retrieved the two
boxes. I watched him walk up across the snow-laden yard. I could tell he stood
nervously as he waited for the door to open. An older grandmotherly looking
woman answered the door. From my vantage point I couldn’t read her expression,
but she welcomed Scott in. He didn’t emerge for another thirty minutes. I
passed the time by watching the snowflakes melt on the windshield. The time
seemed to drag on while I waited. I was happy to see him emerge and walk
quickly back to the car.

Back
to me.

I
noticed the woman, who I assumed to be Jenna’s mother, stared out the door at
me. I wondered if Scott told her about me. I felt sorry for her. I couldn’t
imagine losing a child.

Scott
didn’t say anything to me as he drove off. The only gesture he made was to hold
my hand as he drove, which kind of made me nervous as the roads weren’t in the
best shape. He seemed out of sorts.

I
waited for several minutes to speak. “Is everything ok?”

He
didn’t immediately answer and I didn’t push.

“I
just forgot how negative her parents can be. I’m happy you didn’t come in.”

“Do
you want to talk about it?”

He
glanced quickly my way and half smiled. “No.”

“Ok”

He
switched gears on me. “Does my family know you’re here?”

“No.”

He
smiled wickedly. “Very good.”

“What
is that supposed to mean?”

He
smiled at me again, but didn’t answer my question. He was acting odd, but not
in a bad way.

We
decided to stop quickly for Chinese take-out as the roads were getting
horrendous. I kept thinking,
do I really want to live here again
? But
then I looked at Scott and thought,
Um, yes, yes I do.

Scott
carefully drove us back to his house in the dark. We saw several accidents on
the way back. I was so thankful by the time we made it back to his place. I
only liked the snow when I could watch it from the warmth and safety of the
inside. As soon as we entered his house, he went to work lighting his gas fireplace,
and I set out dinner on his coffee table. He then turned on some jazz and
turned the lights down. We ate by the glow of the firelight and then snuggled
in close. I was so happy he hadn’t pushed me away on a day when he very well
could have.