Other Side of the Wall (11 page)

“Good
morning,” I said as I sat up. “How are you feeling?”

He
just kept staring at me. He had a very serene look on his face, but it was
unlike him not to answer.

I
ran my fingers through my hair. “Do I look horrid?”

He
smiled and shook his head. “No, I was just thinking how beautiful you were,
laying there.”

I
smiled in return. “But really, how are you feeling?”

“Better.
I think my fever broke.” He leaned down. “Do you want to check?”

I
gladly kissed his forehead. “Cool as a cucumber.”

He
laughed, or at least he tried to. It mostly came out as a cough. “Is that a
medical term?”

“Yes,
a highly technical one.”

He
stroked my cheek some more. “I really am lucky to have you, but I feel like you
take care of me more than I take care of you.”

I
held his hand. “You know, even Superman sometimes needed Lois Lane to save him.
I like taking care of you. I know you would do the same for me.”

“I
like the sound of being your superman.”

“Me
too, but no tights, ok?”

He
again attempted and failed at a laugh, but I could see it in his eyes.

I
left his house that morning feeling like it was all going to be ok, but it
didn’t take long for me to find out how completely wrong I was when it came to
men. I was seriously thinking of joining some self-help group. But FYI, it
wasn’t going to be the bereavement group.

The
following week I had the displeasure of meeting Beth. I would have liked to say
I was shocked, but unfortunately it made perfect sense. Beth was like Jenna’s
doppelganger. Tall, pale, rail thin, with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes.
I swear they could have been sisters.

The
bereavement group met at the hospital, and I had worked late that night. I
caught them both as they were leaving. The worst part was Scott choked on his
words when he introduced me; he ended up calling me his neighbor. I looked at
him like he really was a special kind of stupid. His mother would have smacked
the back of his head. He had no idea how hurtful it was. Sure, we never gave
ourselves a title per se, but we were in a relationship. For heaven’s sake, I’d
just spent days nursing him back to health. I obviously didn’t say much, and
Scott didn’t stop me when I left.

What
was more hurtful was the next day when I told him it bothered me that all he
could call me was his neighbor and he blew it off like it was no big deal. I
had also been asking him if he wanted to come home for Christmas with me. My
parents really wanted to meet him, and I wanted to have him there with me more
than anything. We had already planned to have Thanksgiving with his family,
which I was looking forward to, but I hadn’t been home for Christmas since
before I was married, and I really wanted Scott to be there. But he would never
give me a straight answer. He was either thinking about it or didn’t know if he
could take the time off work.

The
weather began to match my life. I would say November became very harsh. The
only highlight was his mom; she became my saving grace. I spent more and more
time with her as Scott spent more of his time with Beth. He said they were just
friends and they were helping each other through this difficult time of year
together. Apparently, Beth really had no one and she needed him. His mother was
disgusted with his behavior, but I begged her to stay out of it even though I
found myself crying on her shoulder a lot.

Chapter 12

Thanksgiving
approached and I was not in very grateful mood. My relationship with Scott was
spiraling downward. Beth was the neediest woman on the planet, whether it was
her battery had died on her car, she needed help changing light bulbs (seriously?
she was like amazon tall), she just needed someone to talk to, the list never
ended, and for some reason she could only call on Scott to help her solve her
myriad of problems. I tried to express my concern to Scott that this was
getting beyond just being friends and that I was almost certain she was
attracted to him. He just waved off my concerns, and I was frequently being
told I just didn’t understand what it was like to be in their situation.

By
the time Thanksgiving Day arrived, I was heavily considering my mom’s offer to
come home and work for her and my dad. I hated the cold weather, and I hated
the constant pit I felt in my stomach about Scott.

I
awoke early on Thanksgiving so I could help Myrna with dinner preparations.
Originally, Scott was supposed to come early with me too, but Beth wanted to
run the 5k Turkey Trot. She just couldn’t bear to run it by herself, so Scott
gladly volunteered. I had a feeling they had been running together lately.
Scott was acting weird when I would ask him if he wanted to run together. He
either had already run or said he planned to do it later.

I
had almost canceled with the Langston’s, but Myrna wouldn’t hear of it; she
said she would un-invite Scott first. When I arrived alone I felt like my
emotions were just on the edge and ready to burst. I found myself wanting to
cry at the littlest of things as we prepared the food. The Langston’s liked to
eat their Thanksgiving mid-afternoon, so we were busy bees all morning. We made
pies, stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce, and of course turkey, mashed potatoes
and homemade gravy. I also made a pear and raspberry cream salad. It was a
recipe that had been in my family forever, and we had it every Thanksgiving. I
needed a piece of home with me.

Myrna
and Deanna tried to talk to me about what was going on with Scott as we cooked,
but I just told them I couldn’t talk about it. I wasn’t in the right frame of
mind. I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s day with my blubbering. I was so close
to losing it as it was, especially with their looks of concern throughout the
day.

Dinner
was finally done, and the table was set beautifully with the place settings
Myrna and I had made the previous week. We were all ready to eat, but there was
still no Scott. I had tried to call him and text him, but he never responded.
His family was getting quite upset, even Jerry who is considerably laid back.

“We’re
eating,” Jerry announced irritably at three.

The
space next to me at the table felt like a big black hole.

Jerry
blessed the food, and he made special mention of me and how thankful they all
were to have me be part of their family. That did it. The tears finally escaped
and ran down my cheeks. When the blessing was done, all eyes were on me. I felt
ridiculous, but very loved—at least by those at the table. Myrna came over and
gave me a big motherly hug and told me how much she loved me. I loved her too.

The
mood at the table was a little subdued as we began to eat, even Nick was less
than his boisterous self, but he did tease me that I should reconsider the
whole younger men thing. I was beginning to reconsider men in general. I was
thinking more of getting a dog or a cat. I had my fill of men.

Half
way through dinner, Scott finally showed up. With his wet hair, he looked like
he had just gotten out the shower. The race had been over for hours, so this
perplexed me. I had a feeling I didn’t want to know where he’d been and what he
had been doing all day. He definitely didn’t have a warm reception, but he sat
down next to me like nothing had happened and like he had been on time. He even
kissed my cheek in greeting.

His
mom was furious. “Scotty where have you been? Ava has been calling you all
afternoon. We were all worried something had happened to you.”

He
started telling us what a great day he had had. The turkey trot was amazing,
and Beth even won her age category in the women’s division. Then, apparently,
they met up with some other people from their group and had a delicious lunch
together. And to top it off, he was kind of stuffed from that, so he wasn’t
going to eat. Everyone stared at him in amazement.

I
was surprised when his dad got upset and told him how extremely unthoughtful he
had been to his mother and me and his whole family.

“Son,
what is wrong with you?”

Before
Scott could respond, I stood up. “I’m not feeling well.” Which I wasn’t. “I
think I’m going to go home.” I turned to Myrna and Jerry. “Thank you so much
for inviting me.”

They
tried to convince me to stay, but I couldn’t be around Scott for another
second. I couldn’t even look at him. I think I heard him say my name, but I
didn’t care. I’m pretty sure his parents yelled at him to go after me, but I
was just trying to stay focused on not crying or losing my dinner.

Scott
did run after me, but I had already made it to my jeep by the time he got to
me. He gently grabbed my arm as I went to open my door.

“Ava,
please stay.”

“Why?”

“What
do you mean, why?”

“Scott,
I don’t really think you care if I stay or not.”

“Ava,
of course I care. I’m sorry I was late and didn’t pick up my phone. I had
turned it off.”

“Scott,
don’t you get it? I shouldn’t have had to call you. You should have just been
here with me and your family in the first place. I mean, where do I even fit
into your life anymore?”

He
swallowed hard and looked nervous. “Well I’ve been thinking about that. In my
bereavement group we’ve been discussing relationships and they said we should
be careful about the relationships we form right after losing a spouse because
rebound type relationships typically aren’t beneficial.”

I
just stared at him, dumfounded by what he said. He couldn’t even look me in the
eye. So I went off on him. “Scott, please tell me you didn’t just call what we
have a rebound relationship. You can spout that crap to someone else. I know
Dr. Heard and what her opinion would be of our relationship and maybe you
forget, but I hold a degree in Psychology too. So, if you don’t want to see me
anymore, then just be man enough to say it, but don’t you dare hide behind your
twisted version of what Dr. Heard said. In fact, I bet it wasn’t even her. If I
had to guess, I would say Beth.”

His
face turned red. I had hit the nail on the head. He still wouldn’t look at me.
He just kind of talked above me. “We never said this was an exclusive
relationship, maybe it would be good to see other people for right now.”

I
just shook my head in amazement. “I didn’t realize we were still in high school
and we had to declare we were going steady. But fine, we’re done. Just remember
that I loved you and wanted you, and not out of any needy or selfish reasons,
only because of who you are or at least who I thought you were.”

He
finally had the decency to look at me. “Did you just say you love me?”

The
tears that I had been holding back came on full force.

“I
did, but don’t worry. I know you don’t feel the same way. Goodbye, Scott.”

I
turned from him and quickly got in my jeep. I think I heard him say, “Ava,” but
he didn’t try and stop me. I drove around the block and pulled over and just
cried and cried. When I finally had my emotions under control enough to drive,
I raced home. As soon as I walked in the door, I dialed my mom. “Momma, I want
to come home.”

Chapter 13

The
next day, while people were out enjoying Black Friday shopping, I typed up my
resignation and two week notice. My parents also put me in touch with a local
realtor they had met at a recent realtor conference. I made an appointment to
meet with him the following week. I spent the weekend organizing what would
stay and what would come with me in two weeks. Furnished homes typically sell
quicker and at higher prices, so I would only be taking with me what I could
fit in my jeep and a rented trailer. My brother, Tucker, was going to fly in
and drive back with me.

As
long as I stayed busy, I was ok. The moment I stopped, I was a mess. Nighttime
was the worst. I remembered when Peter and I separated and the horrible
sleepless nights with only my thoughts for company. I found myself there again.
My heart was broken, and I didn’t even have my best friend to go to because he
was the culprit. I slept on the couch because Scott and I shared bedroom walls;
I didn’t want him to hear me crying.

I
had avoided Scott all weekend, or maybe he avoided me. Either way, I didn’t see
him until Sunday. I was walking out to go get some boxes, and there he and Beth
were at his door, looking like they were going in and like they had just been
for a run. My heart sank. Scott and I both stared at each other for a moment. I
put on my “I couldn’t care less” face and walked away.

Surprisingly,
on my way to the garage Scott texted me. “It’s not what you think.”

I
wasn’t sure what that meant or why he would text me. We were over, and I was
pretty sure it was exactly what I thought. Beth had done her job of playing
damsel-in-distress well, and now Scott was able to play hero again.

I
didn’t respond to the text, so several minutes later I got an, “Ava?”

Really?
Why would I respond to him? Thankfully, he left me alone after that. I came
home and began packing my boxes. I made a box full of all the stuff Scott had
given me; my birthday gifts, his house key, Shedd Aquarium shirts, and beluga
and dolphin stuffed animals were all packed away and staying here. I also made
boxes for Goodwill; one included my wedding dress. I wanted to leave behind all
evidence of Scott and Peter. I was going to be proudly embracing single life
for the rest of my life.

I
was exhausted by the time Monday came, and it left me in no mood to deal with
what I had waiting for me at my garage. There stood Scott. I kept wondering why
exes just couldn’t leave and then stay gone. I mean, they don’t want you when
they have you, but yet there he stood near my garage keypad. And honestly, he
kind of looked like a wreck. His shirt was untucked and his hair was unkempt;
he hadn’t shaved in at least a few days.

I
didn’t say anything to him. I was very confused by his presence. He had made
his wishes known.

“Ava,”
he said. “I wanted to explain about yesterday She was there because…”

I
stopped him. “Scott, honestly I don’t want to hear your explanation and frankly
I don’t understand why you would want to give me one anyways. I thought I was
just your non-exclusive rebound.” I know that was over the top, but he had no
idea how much he’d hurt me. And it was either lash out or cry.

He
ran his fingers through his hair; again, he looked and acted like a wreck.
“Ava, I don’t think of you like that.”

“Huh,
that’s how I heard it. Excuse me, I’m going to be late for work.” I walked
toward my door.

“Can
we please get together later and talk?” he called out to me.

“No.”

I
took off and left him standing there staring after me as I drove away. I had to
will myself not to cry on the way to work. It was already going to be tough as
I was handing in my notice. I don’t know if I could say I was going to miss
this particular job, but it had grown on me. I had never thought I would be in
emergency medicine, but it was what was available when I had moved here. I
definitely learned a lot, mostly about myself. It had stretched me in ways I
didn’t think were possible, so in that regards, I was going to miss it. And for
the interim, I would miss being a nurse, but the break was going to be welcome.

I
just didn’t know why Scott wanted to talk to me or why he cared to tell me
about what was going on with him and Beth. I hated that name by the way. Good
luck to you, Beth, I hope you like Jenna. She probably would.

I
also needed to tell Scott’s mom about my decision to move. I had talked to her
several times since Thanksgiving, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her over
the phone, especially because she was so upset about Scott and me. I couldn’t
say because of our break-up because that would have implied we had actually
been a couple, and according to him we hadn’t been. I still couldn’t believe he
said that to me. It was a very low blow.

The
first thing I did was turn in my notice to the Director of the ER. He was very flattering
and asked if there was a possibility of me changing my mind. He even offered me
a raise. Maybe I should have quit earlier, but I told him I wouldn’t be staying
and I was moving out of state. It felt so weird that I was finally going home.
I was kind of proud that I had made it almost two and a half years on my own,
even amidst terrible heartache and turmoil. I realized I was running home now,
but I made a good run of it. And the thought of living next to Scott and
watching him be with someone besides me, I couldn’t bear it. I had already
watched one man I love leave me for another woman, I couldn’t do it again. I
just wondered why I was never enough.

For
Peter I was apparently too needy, for Scott I wasn’t needy enough and I didn’t
come with a dead spouse; I only had a lying, cheating ex one. If he only knew
how painful divorce was, at least in death you can say they died still loving
you and they didn’t leave you for someone else. You didn’t have to see them
have what you so desperately wanted to have with them. In some ways I felt like
dealing with death would have been easier.

I
called Myrna and made an appointment with her. I wanted her to cut my hair one
more time before I left. She was the best stylist I had ever had, and besides,
I loved spending time with her. I wanted to make sure I spent as much time as I
could with her before I left. I was hoping I could convince her and Jerry to
take a vacation my way.

Myrna
said she would take me that night after work. I decided on my way over to tell
her that I was moving after she cut my hair. I didn’t want her emotional while
wielding scissors. When I got there, she gave me her signature mother hug. I
could tell she still wasn’t happy about the previous weekend. I didn’t expect
she would be.

As
soon as I got in the chair she started in. “So Jerry and I talked to Scotty
yesterday and told him he was the biggest friggin’ moron we had ever raised and
that he had just thrown away the best thing that had ever come his way. I blame
myself.” she said. “I should have been more vocal about all this Jenna
nonsense. They didn’t have a very happy marriage and he has made it out to be
this friggin’ fairytale. I was trying to be a good mother and give him his
space, but what I should have been doing was knocking some sense into him.” She
took a deep breath. “You did the right thing breaking up with him.”

I
corrected her. “We didn’t break up, because he said we were never officially a
couple.” I probably shouldn’t have said it, but there is something about being
in a salon that does something to women.

She
put her hand to heart. “Oh, Ava. I’m so ashamed of the fruit of my loins!”

I
wasn’t sure I wanted to hear about the fruit of her loins, but I admit it gave
me a much needed laugh.

“The
next time I see that boy, I’m gonna smack him so hard.”

“I’m
ok with that.”

She
squeezed my shoulders. “So what are you going to do, sweetheart? I know some
nice boys at church I could introduce you to.”

I
looked at her through the mirror. “Thanks, but I think I’m done with men. I
guess there is something wrong with me.”

She
spun me around in her chair and looked down at me. “Ava, I never want to hear
you say that. No one is perfect, but sweetheart you are pretty darn close in my
book and I know good people when I see them and you are good people. Your
ex-husband and my son are the idiots.”

I
couldn’t help it, I started crying. “Thanks, Myrna. What am I going to do
without you?”

She
tilted her head. “What do you mean? I’m not going anywhere, in my heart you’re
family.”

I
took her hands. “Myrna, I’m moving home next weekend.”

She
started crying. I think everyone in the salon was staring at us now as we blubbered
together. When she noticed, she told everyone to go about their business. I got
the feeling she didn’t cry often.

She
did a fabulous job on my hair again. I asked her not to mention that I was
moving to Scott. I knew it didn’t matter to him, but I just didn’t want him to
know. It was like admitting he won, but if Beth was the prize, he could keep
her. She said she would take it to the grave, after she told Jerry of course.

After
the haircut she took me out to ice cream like I was five, but I didn’t care.
For a moment I wanted to be five again, back when I thought boys were icky and
life was simple. Darn those hormones and God for making men so attractive that our
brains shut down. But I had learned my lesson, men are icky, too, and I was
planning on staying on the other side of the playground from now on.

Tuesday
I met with the realtor. We decided to list the property after the holidays. I
wasn’t in a rush to sell. I would be staying in my parent’s guest house in the
interim, so I could be patient. But as he walked through the home, he felt like
if we priced it right, it would sell quickly. I signed a contract with him,
gave him a key for the lockbox, and it was a done deal.

I
still couldn’t believe I was finally going home. I probably should have right
after the divorce was final, but no, I had to bring my neighbor dinner and then
fall in love with him. I should have just stayed on my side of the wall. I
thought I knew heartache after Peter, but this was no comparison. I literally
felt like part of me was missing. I felt lost and alone. Every day I would get
up and just say, “Put one foot in front of the other and breathe, rinse and
repeat.” I just couldn’t believe after everything we had shared he could just
throw it away and then tell me it never really existed. At least Peter never
pretended we didn’t share a love once.

Speaking
of Peter, he called me, and for some reason I answered. I think the no sleep
was catching up to me and I was delirious. He was even more surprised I picked
up. He wanted to tell me thank you. He had just watched Gia take her first
steps, and he was happy he didn’t miss out on that and said it was because of
me. It was a very bittersweet call for me. I was honestly happy he had stepped
up to the plate, but it was painful to hear him talk of his daughter. Not that
long ago I wanted to have our daughter. I don’t know why, but I told him I was
moving back home.

“The
beach always looked good on you, Ava. You don’t know how many times I wished I
would have just taken that job in Mobile. Maybe things would have been
different then.”

I
couldn’t say, “me too”, because I didn’t love him like that anymore. I loved
Scott.

“Yeah
maybe, but we can’t go back,” I responded.

“Believe
me, Ava, I wish we could. I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll always love
you.”

“You’re
right, I don’t believe you.”

He
kind of laughed. “Ava, whether you believe it or not, I want you to know you
were the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ll always be sorry I ever
let you go.”

“Goodnight,
Peter,” was the only response I could think of.

“Ciao
Bellissima.”

I
guess I had gone full circle. That call felt like closure for both of us.

The
two weeks went by so fast; I was so busy between packing, spending time with
Myrna and Jerry, and tying up loose ends. I saw Scott a couple of times, but
not a word was spoken. It killed me that this was how it would end for us. I
just hoped home would help me heal.

Unfortunately,
I had the displeasure of running into Beth at the hospital my second to last
day working there. I had worked late, and it was the night the bereavement
group met. I had a feeling like she was looking for me to come out. In a way,
it was off-putting. Snake in the grass fit her perfectly. As I walked out the
front entrance, she approached me.

“You’re
Scott’s neighbor right?”

I
hated the way she said neighbor; she knew exactly what she was saying, and she
meant it to be hurtful. Thankfully, I had my wits about me. “Do I know you?” I
responded.

That
bothered her. Her claws came out. “Oh, don’t pretend that you don’t know who I
am.”

“Why?
Who are you to me?”