As I Close My Eyes (18 page)

“
Yeah, I
-
how long was I out for?”

“
Only a few seconds, but you scared the shit out of me.”

“
Sorry, I’m okay.” I held my head and moved into a sitting position. “Let’s go back to your place.”

“
Are you sure your head is alright?”

“
Yeah, I’m fine.” I kept my little flashback to myself for the time being.

He held my hand as we made our way to the car. I kept telling him that I was okay, but he didn’t want to risk me falling again.

“
I’m really worried about you, Dani. Did you have any dreams when you hit your head this time?”
             

I wanted to lie, but I couldn’t. “Yes, I did. They’re so vivid. I really need to figure out why I keep having them.”

“
I think you should go see someone. A professional who can help you.”

“
It’s fine. I’m fine. Really,” I said as I examined my head with my fingers. Good, no blood.

“
If this happens again, I’m calling someone.” Ben was so concerned. It was endearing.

We got back to the car and made our way to Ben’s house. It felt so good to take a shower after the long, hot day we had outside. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat guilty about the intimate moment I had just had with Robert as Caroline. It was hard not to compare notes on Ben and Robert, particularly since Robert and I had made love. I hadn’t yet enjoyed my first time as Danielle. The experience was so realistic that I felt this unusual sensation at the base of my abdomen, as though I could tell Robert had been inside of me. I dismissed the physical awareness I felt and threw on my jeans and a tank top. I could smell the garlic and roasted tomatoes from the kitchen downstairs as I got ready in the master bedroom.

Ben had lit every candle in his house and classical music played in the background as he chopped away at basil on a large wooden cutting board. He was dressed in white linen pants, no shoes, and a baby blue t-shirt. Could this beautiful man really be into me?

“
Hey, gorgeous,” he said to me as I approached him.

“
Hey there. Whatcha cookin’?”

“
Manicotti, homemade red sauce, and garlic bread.”

“
Yummmmm. Sounds amazing.”

I sat on a barstool on the opposite side of the island. Even when there was silence between us, it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was like I had known Ben all my life. Things he said and did all seemed so familiar to me. There was something in me that knew we’d be together for the rest of our lives and I hoped he felt the same way.

Dinner was exceptional. After we cleaned up, we sat in the living room, too stuffed to move. My legs were draped over his and I lounged back on an oversized pillow. Ben told me about some of his college friends. A few were now in politics, others were engineers, and two were stationed in Afghanistan in the U.S. and British military. He also said he had a few girlfriends in college and some after, but none of the relationships ever lasted more than a year. His friends were always trying to set him up, but he was never interested in any of the women. He seemed to have so much more life experience than I did. I guess I’d have more if I was eight years older, too.

“
You’re beautiful. I’ve never met anyone like you.” Ben cautiously climbed on top of me and began to kiss my neck, inching his way to the pit in my collarbone with his lips. “Are you okay with this?”

“
Yes,” I whispered and kissed him back.

That same feeling I’d had with Robert was returning to the lower half of my body. My thighs felt warm and I couldn’t catch my breath. It was a combination of anxiousness and excitement. At first, I felt pain, but it was quickly replaced with a deep desire that coursed through every nerve. Ben was gentle and soft. He moved his hips slowly and calculated every touch of his hands. His tongue slid deep into my mouth with the rhythm of his body. I ran the tips of my fingers up and down his back, feeling the motion of his lower half as he moved in and out of me. My eyes were closed for most of the experience, but as I got to the peak of satisfaction, I opened them to gaze into his. I knew I’d never forget how Ben’s hair smelled - like the fresh air of the woods - and how his body felt warm and slightly sweaty as he pulled away from me, then came back to meet me again. Our bodies fit perfectly together.

I finally felt desired and I watched his face as it quivered with pleasure, knowing he felt the same from me. I had anticipated this moment since I first saw Ben, but I never could have known how good it would feel to make love to him.

“
I don’t want to go back,” I said, resting my head on his bare chest.

“
I don’t want you to go either,” Ben replied as he held me in his arms. “You and I should plan a trip to my parents’ house when we go to Cape May. I want you to meet my family.”

“
I’d love that.”

“
How about we make the trip this weekend?” Ben began to put back on his shirt.

“
I work at Dairy Queen on Saturday, but I could just call off.”

“
You sure? I don’t want you to get into any trouble.”

“
I’ll be fine. I never call in sick.”

“
How about we do some research beforehand, though? I’ll dig up what I can find on Cape May in the 1800s and then come down to your house in two days. Does that work?”

“
That’d be great. Thanks so much, Ben.” I was so glad he didn’t freak out like I thought he would. “You’re being so supportive. I hate to leave, but I should really get back to Sugar Hill.” I started to sit up and put my bra on, but Ben quickly pulled me in for another round of kissing.

“
Are you okay to drive this late at night? You’ve had some wine. Well, we’ve probably had a lot of wine.”

“
Yeah, I’m fine. I think the workout we just had got some of it out of me.” I smirked and got on my shoes. We walked out of his house holding hands.

Ben stopped me on the last step of the porch and pulled me close to him. “I love you so much,” he said as he kissed my cheek.

“
I love you, too.” It was a relief to finally say it.

Ben walked me out to my car and placed his hands on my face, kissing me for the last time until I would see him again.

Chapter 16

The next day, I visited the Sugar Hill library to see if I could find any books on Cape May. I also couldn’t wait to see what Ben would discover since I knew he’d be at the bookstore all day.

It was a really small library in an old schoolhouse, so I wasn’t sure I would stumble upon anything remotely close to some Cape May fire that I most likely made up in my head.

As I prepared myself for the day - getting dressed in my usual tank top and jean shorts - I could smell the blueberry pancakes cooking in the kitchen below. This could only mean one thing
-
Mama had something on her mind that she wanted to tell me and she wasn’t sure how. Blueberry pancakes were my favorite breakfast food and she only made them when she was nervous about my reaction. Her first comment was that I looked tired, but this was clearly a diversion to the actual reason why she was up so early cooking.

“
Bill and I are going to go away for the anniversary week of the accident.”

It occurred to me that since Justin passed away, she never said his name. She always referred to that day as “the accident” and never actually said that Justin died.

“
Okay, where?” I asked.

“
To Virginia. We’re going to rent a cabin up there and just get away from real life for a while. I was afraid to tell you because I didn’t know if you needed us here with you.”

“
No, Mama. I’ll be fine. Y’all should go and have fun. You need to get your mind off that day anyway. I think it’s a great idea.”

“
Good ... good.” That was all my mama could muster at the moment as she fought back tears.

She continued to make an excessive pile of pancakes for no one else but the two of us. She must have been extremely nervous about this morning because I had never seen so many on one plate before. Our conversation was brief, but I was glad because I had a lot on my mind as well. I planned on doing something with Ben that day anyway, so it would be nice for Mama and Bill to be alone together.

“
Can I ask you somethin’, Mama?”

“
Why sure you can, honey,” Mama said as she put the last of the batter on the skillet to be cooked.

“
When did you know you loved Daddy? Or even Bill, for that matter.”

“
I can’t say I know exactly when it happened. What I do know is that there came a moment in time when I couldn’t imagine going a day without seeing your daddy or Bill. Your daddy went away for a week on a business trip when we were first dating and I couldn’t stand it because I had no way of reaching him. I guess that’s when it happened with me and your daddy. With Bill, it just happened, I guess. When it’s right, Dani Bear, you’ll know.” 

I wasn’t ready to tell her that I was, in fact, in love with Ben. I sat quietly and waited for my food.

I savored every bite of breakfast and got to the library just as it opened. After I walked through aisles of books, I asked the librarian if she had any material on Cape May in the Victorian era. She searched the computer at the front desk and found one called “The Fire of 1878: A History of Cape May’s Greatest Disaster.” My jaw dropped as she said the title and I froze for a moment. I asked her where it was located and practically ran to get it.

I found a large wooden table to sit at that looked like it had been restored from an old farmhouse in Sugar Hill and possibly donated to the library. As I sat, intently reading page after page, I found out that the fire began at seven in the morning on November 9, 1878. The Ocean House hotel on Perry Street was the source of the fire. Detail after detail jumped out at me like I was reading into my dreams - thirty acres destroyed; one fire engine to put it out; lines of neighbors with buckets of water all trying to douse the flames. The scenes from my dreams came to life as I read each word.

When I sat in the boat, the fire had looked as though it was mainly coming from a very large building in the distance. Plus, I remembered it being cold, which would explain the time of year.

This book confirmed that it wasn’t just a weird series of dreams. I was somehow seeing into the past. How else would I know the details about this fire? I had never heard of this event before nor had I ever set foot in Cape May. I held my head in my hands and tried to understand how I could be dreaming about something that took place over a century ago. I began to hyperventilate, breathing in short gasps, trying to take in excess air. Sweat beaded on my upper lip. I needed to compose myself.

I paged through the book and quickly scanned each paragraph for any other clues I could find. When I got to the back, there was a map of Cape May in 1878. Some of the roads Robert and Caroline walked on were drawn on the map - Jackson Street and Lafayette. This couldn’t be happening. By now I was really panicking, and I looked around to see if anyone else in the library noticed my silent hysteria. I calmed myself down with a swig of water from the reusable bottle I brought with me. The map was blurry when I looked back at it. I couldn’t focus. I got up from the table and weaved in and out of shelves of books, unable to walk in a straight line. Along the way, I ran into a cart full of books and almost knocked down the librarian.