As I Close My Eyes (35 page)

I turned, and there he stood, with crowds of people in between us, in a gray cap and khaki pants. “Ben?”

Chapter 34

I could feel myself fading out as I wriggled my way through the dense crowd, desperate to reach Ben. I was becoming Mrs. Marcum once again. There was nothing I could do. I wanted to run to Ben, but my life as Caroline needed closure.

*  *  *

The rocking chair had stopped creaking as I sat completely still. No sound came from the house. A single tear streamed down my face. And there lay Robert. In bed with a pale, almost blue-tinted glow to him. I knew he had passed. It was October 29, 1880 and my husband had checked out of this world and into another. As Danielle, I felt the grief as much as Caroline did. I sat, staring at his lifeless face, glimpsing back to our first meeting at the park. I stared down at my hands and turned my ring slowly, recalling when he first asked me to marry him, under the same tree I sat beneath when our eyes first met. My breathing hitched as I launched into a full sob.

A cry from Grace’s room jolted me from my solitude. She was what I needed now. I picked her up from her crib looking at her delicate face as she smiled at me. She made everything better. Her angelic eyes reminded me of Robert’s and I was thankful she would be an eternal reminder of him. I held her in my arms and rocked back and forth until I finally felt calm.

I alerted Rebecca and John, who were staying on the couches downstairs, that Robert had passed. When I said it, it was as if it wasn’t my voice speaking. I felt no emotion as the words left my lips. The sadness had turned my insides numb. John immediately went to fetch the doctor, who would make the arrangements for his funeral. I didn’t have the strength to.

Rebecca made us some tea while I fed Grace in the living room.

“
I’m so sorry, sister,” she said as she handed me the delicate cup full of warm comfort.

“
I know. I know.” It was all I could muster through tears as I stroked Grace’s fine hair with my fingers. We sat together for a few minutes but I needed time alone.

I handed Grace to Rebecca and went out to the garden we once loved as a couple. I stared at the roses and vegetables growing. It was so unfair that they got to live and he had to die. They thrived and I was left with nothing.

I gazed quietly for about an hour before the doctor came to see me.

He sat down on the stone bench by my side. “It’s all arranged, Caroline. Everything is taken care of. I reserved the ballroom of Congress Hall for after the funeral. I hope that suites you,” he said as he led me into the house for some much needed sleep. Now it made sense to me as to why I got an uneasy feeling when I first saw Congress Hall.

Rebecca and Grace were quietly playing on the floor of the living room with wooden toys. I could hear Grace's happy laughs while Rebecca played waitress to my tiny, unsuspecting daughter.

I knew I should take the doctor's advice and go upstairs for some rest since I'd be spending the next few days entertaining well-meaning family and friends. But how could I sleep in the same bed Robert lay in just hours before passing into the next life? I fell in defeat on the layers of blankets and held his sweat-filled pillow in my arms, falling into the first restful slumber I had had in weeks.

I finally became Caroline. Every tear shed was a release for both of us and every memory we shared, we shared together. As Danielle, I ached for Robert as much as Caroline did. It became clear, and what I had been dreaming over the past few months had come to light. I understood. I had been Caroline at one time just as Ben had been Robert; Shannon, Rebecca; and Justin, John. Those who surrounded me had always been there and I had loved Ben eternally. They may have changed form, but those closest to me remained the same people I had always known. I left Cape May with a deep comfort, knowing I’d be surrounded by the same spirits forever.

*  *  *

People walking by seemed like flashes of colors blurred into greens, pinks, and grays. I slipped away for only a matter of seconds, but it felt like an hour. My feet were heavy. I walked as if I was in quicksand towards this man I thought would no longer welcome me in his life after what I did to him.

“
Dani,” he yelled over the heads of busy English men and women.

“
Ben,” I yelled back.

I wasn’t sure if I should hug him or wait to be hugged. He had to be furious with me. But why did he come all the way to England to find me if he was so livid?

“
I can’t believe I found you,” he said reaching for me, grabbing my face in his strong hands and kissing me with an intensity that made me go limp.

“
What are you doing here?” I asked, pulling away from him as I held onto his familiar arms.

“
I know you ran away because you were scared. I had to find you.”

“
I thought you’d never want to see me again.”

“
No. You underestimate me. I’m in love with you. I can’t just let you go.”

He picked me up, spun me around, and pulled my lips towards his, kissing me again. A circle of people nearby glanced back at us, trying to piece together who we were to each other.

“
I’m so glad you’re here.” I said through tears.

“
Of course I’m here. I’ve loved you forever.”

I looked into Ben’s eyes and a smile came across my face. I was staring at Robert once again and I knew that those eyes would always be mine.

We left the train station, walking with our arms around one another, and decided to hail a taxicab back to campus. I rested my head on his shoulder in the backseat and let out a sigh of relief, knowing we’d have the rest of our lives together.

The driver began to curse at the congestion ahead, but it didn’t matter to me if we stayed in the taxicab for hours. That would just mean that I’d be in Ben’s arms longer.

Frustrated, the driver began to veer around a few cars to avoid some of the traffic but missed stopping at a four-way section of the road, going straight through a stop sign. There was no time for oncoming cars to swerve. The squealing of tires and scraping of metal on metal filled my head as our car was pushed several feet into other cars in the lane next to us. Within seconds, all was quiet.

My eyes started to open and I could see a small line of blood dripping from Ben’s right cheek where the glass from the window had shattered and grazed him. The driver up front was hunched over the steering wheel. Ben began to wake and I could hear him repeatedly screaming at me to respond, but I couldn’t. It was too difficult to keep my eyes open.

I faded out with the image of Ben’s face ingrained in my mind as he reached for me in the car. I began to open my eyes again, seeing slivers of light and movement as I regained consciousness.

“
Elizabeth. Are you alright?”