As I Close My Eyes (34 page)

“
Okay.” I was getting a bit worried now by the sound of his voice.

“
Your father didn’t run away after Justin died.”

This made me come to a complete stop. “What? That’s not true. Mama said
-
”

He interrupted me. “I know what your mama said. She was trying to protect you, Dani. Your daddy didn’t leave. He killed himself.”

It took me a moment to speak. “What? No ... No ... that’s wrong. No ... he couldn’t handle it so he left us.”

“
I know. I know he couldn’t handle it. That’s why he killed himself, Danielle.”

“
No. You’re wrong about that. Nope. There’s just no way. My daddy was a man of integrity. Everyone liked him. He couldn’t do that to us.”

“
Dani, listen to me. My mama came over that night to help your mama. That’s when she found him on the bathroom floor. You don’t remember because your mind won’t let you remember and your mama doesn’t have the heart to tell you the truth. But I’m going to tell you the truth because I think you should know. He’s dead, Danielle.”

“
Nope ... no. He’s not dead.”

At this point, Eric was shaking me and looking around to see if anyone saw us. “Danielle. I know you can do this. Think back to that night. What did you see, Danielle? Tell me what you saw.”

“
I ... don’t know. There was a lot of stuff in the bathroom. Daddy’s stuff. It was all over the counter. His shaving cream, his cologne, his razors. Oh my God. His razors.”

“
Yeah, his razors.”

This time I didn’t flash back to Cape May. I flashed back to a vision of me standing in the doorway to my parent’s bathroom with speckles of blood on the tile floor. I saw more on the shower curtain in the bathtub, but my vision after that went away because I can see Mama rushing in to find me, whisking me out of the room as fast as she could.

“
How did I forget? He killed himself in the bathtub. Why did he do that? Why did he leave us? Arghh
-
that infuriates me! He took the easy way out and left us picking up the pieces of our lives.” I collapsed onto the grass and Eric picked me up and carried me back to my dorm room. I didn’t even cry. I couldn’t. I just let the world crush me with realization.

Thankfully, my roommate wasn’t there so he decided to get under the covers with me and hold me until the sun came up in the morning.

Chapter 33

It had been two years and Mama and I had never even talked about Daddy’s death. I imagined her waking up the day after daddy died, pacing the bedroom, wondering if I understood what I saw. I didn’t blame her for not coming to me that morning, but I did blame her for dismissing it and acting like it never happened. I felt like the entire world looked down on me and was saying “Poor Danielle.” I didn’t want a pity party. I wanted someone to tell me the honest truth.

“
Why didn’t you ever say anything, Eric?” I asked, still lying in his arms from the night before.

“
I just felt like it was your mama’s place to talk to you, not mine. I thought after the first year she’d begin to ask you about that night. I waited and waited for you remember it. For that first year, I jumped every time I heard my cell phone ring, thinking you’d be on the other end in complete hysterics. When we were sitting under that tree yesterday, I couldn’t stop staring at you and thinking about whether or not I should go through with it. Then, I just felt like you had to know. Selfishly, it was partly so I wouldn’t carry it with me anymore, either.”

“
No, it’s not your fault. I blame my daddy for everything. I hate him. Mama had just lost her only son and he decided to take his own life, leaving her completely alone with a very distraught daughter to console. It’s awful. I hope I never know what it is to bury my own child. But he had another person to take care of
-
me. I guess I didn’t matter as much to him as Justin did.”

“
I don’t think that’s it at all. His grief overcame him and he couldn’t take it anymore. I would bet there have been several occasions where your mama was about to talk to you, but just couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud. I mean, imagine how she felt. All of a sudden, she had to raise you by herself. She just lost her son and who was there to take care of her
-
no one.”

“
Damn! My life is not turning out at all as I had expected. Shannon and I don’t talk; you leave and I think I’m never going to see you again; my own father commits suicide; and Justin is gone. Then there’s Ben. It’s too much. I can’t take it anymore.” I got up and started searching through my closet for something to wear for the day since I had fallen asleep in the same clothes I wore last night.

“
Well, I’m here now and you’re not getting rid of me so easily this time. And Ben’s at home in Georgia thousands of miles from here,” said Eric as he came over and placed the clothes in my hands on the bed so he could give me a proper hug.

“
I’m sorry, but would you mind if I had some time to myself today? I would really love to spend the day with you, but I have so much work to do for this Art History class and I just want to be by myself.” I didn’t think Eric would take it well, but I had to be alone. There was too much on my mind. Too much to contemplate. I stretched the truth a bit about the Art History work because I had already handed in the paper that was due. I just really wanted to take a walk alone to try to sort some things out.

“
It’s fine, Dani. Call me tonight when you have some time. Maybe we can see each other for dinner?”

“
Absolutely.”

Eric left the dorm room and I grabbed everything in my plastic bathroom container and made my way to the communal showers down the hall. The steam surrounded me like shadows with long fingers as they held me up in the streaming water. I stood for a long time under the spray without shampooing or cleaning anything. I just thought. And thought. When I got back to my room, I was surprised to see that an hour had passed by and I wasn’t even dressed yet. What was I going to do today? Sit under a tree and read a book? Go to my favorite café? I thought about it more and decided I’d just take a walk.

I walked for miles and then came to Old Pye Street. I could see the store Ben told me to visit in his email. It was as though an external force was pushing me towards the front door. I hadn’t even noticed that I was headed in the direction of the bookstore. I went in and immediately missed Ben. The store was almost identical to Something Old. Three oversized tables sat in the center of a large room with piles of books on each one. Ornate chandeliers hung overhead and floor-to-ceiling bookshelves lined the walls of the interior.

“
Can I help you find something?” asked a gray-haired man, probably in his late fifties.

A smile struck my face as I realized Ben asked me the very same thing the first time we spoke. “No, I’m just browsing.”

I spent a bit more time in the store than I did in Ben’s the first time, looking through piles of books I had never heard of. I felt a sense of
déjà vu
as my hands glided over the ancient books on the shelves. It made me miss Ben.

I ended up buying a book about Michelangelo and paged through it as I exited. As I flipped through the pages, I realized I wanted to see some ancient art for myself. I decided to go to France where I could see the
Mona Lisa
and the
Venus de Milo
up close and personal. It was Saturday, so I left Eric a note on his apartment door and headed to the train station to get a ticket to Paris. I called ahead and already had a room reserved at one of the hostels there. It was only seven American dollars for one night with breakfast in the morning.

Paris was stunning and very easy to navigate. Even though I didn’t speak a word of French besides
Bonjour
, I could find my way through this city with my eyes closed. Well, maybe not with my eyes closed, but it was much easier than I had imagined. The
Venus de Milo
didn’t disappoint. It was grand and stood at the end of a long hallway in the Louvre. I could just picture a great artist around 130 BC carving the voluptuous armless figure. There had been some debate as to who actually created her, but there was no doubt in my mind that she was exceptional. The one thing that greatly disappointed me, which I was originally very excited to see, was the
Mona Lisa
. She sat behind thick glass that protected her delicate smile from the flashes of cameras and hoards of visitors who crowded around her. I couldn’t even get close.

I wandered the streets, blending in quite well with the locals. In fact, a Canadian exchange student tried to ask me for directions in French as I sat at a small table outside a bistro.

“
Je ne parle pas Français
,” I responded as the frantic Canadian searched for someone who could help him.

I sat alone at the bistro for hours, drinking delicious coffee. I thought about Ben and wondered how he was doing. I missed him greatly and wished he was sharing the moment with me.

I attempted to order calamari, but instead, was served pasta with clams. It was so sensual it made my mouth orgasm. The hostel was only a block away and I welcomed the sleep from the long day I had of traveling and sightseeing. It felt good to be alone in a place I had never been to before. I felt insignificant in the massive city, but it was exactly what I needed.

My room overlooked the Eiffel Tower many blocks away and I found myself staring out the window at its magnificence. It was lit up with sparkling white lights and I imagined a couple standing at the top, looking out over the city, held in a close embrace.

Paris looked equally as stunning at sunrise. The pink and purple sky served as a backdrop over the Eiffel Tower and I couldn’t believe the view from my room. There were two other beds in the same room as me, but no one ever came to rest there. The money was well worth it for a night alone.

I hoped on a train and headed back to London the following afternoon after a brief shopping trip to a few local boutiques. I had to tell Eric all about my day in Paris. He didn’t try to call or email me when I was gone. That was what I loved about him the most. He knew when to keep his distance.

On the train ride back I thought about how he had come back into my life. I believed things happened for a reason. The fact that I ran into him on a street across the ocean from Georgia was a sign to me that our relationship wasn’t supposed to come to an end. I never expected it would, but I certainly didn’t foresee running into Eric in London. I loved him like a brother. He would always love me more than I loved him, but he knew my feelings for him wouldn’t change.

As the train pulled into the station I took a deep breath and felt, for the first time, like I could really be moving on. With all of the terrible things that had happened to me in the past two years, I was finally feeling like me. I had come to Europe on my own and had also begun to understand who Danielle Grayson was for the first time. It was a relief.

As I took the last step off the train onto the concrete, I smiled and practically skipped away, secure in the knowledge that the decision to come to England was the best decision I had ever made. The train station was filled with people weaving in and out of each other, desperately trying to get to their next destination as quickly as possible.

“
Dani,” yelled a male voice from behind.