As I Close My Eyes (21 page)

“
Sure, Mama.”

“
I just want you to know that you can tell me anything.”

“
Okay,” I replied confused. “But I have nothing to tell you.”

“
I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about you and Ben. I know you’re all grown up now, but he’s much older than you and he has more - ” She cleared her throat, “
-
experience.”

“
I know he’s older, Mama, but that doesn’t matter to either of us. We haven’t had sex yet, if that’s what you’re getting at.” I lied. I never lied to Mama before this summer and it made me feel horrible, but I also felt as though I was old enough to make my own decisions. I’d tell her when I was ready.

“
Danielle Grayson, I do not care to know about your sex life, but if I did, I would hope you’re using protection.”

“
OH-MY-GOD, Mama. You do care because you’re sitting here whispering like we’re about to get in trouble for talking about it.”

“
It’s not a comfortable thing for me to discuss with you and I know you’re a very responsible young woman with a good head on her shoulders. I’ve just never seen you like this before - so into a boy.”

“
I know, that’s because I’ve never been in love before now.”

“
Are you sure you’re in love with Ben?”

“
I think I am, Mama. And he’s in love with me. I can’t wait to meet his family this weekend and see where he grew up. I know it’s going fast, but at this age, I know what I want and that’s Ben.”

“
Honey, you’re only eighteen. You have your whole life ahead of you. Just be careful. You’re young still.”

“
Okay, Mama, enough of the serious talk. What do you think I should wear to meet Ben’s parents for the first time?” I knew she wanted to discuss this more, but I had my mind on other things. Our conversation got a bit lighter after I changed the subject. Mama practically dumped my entire suitcase out on the bed and repacked other clothes for me to take - clothes that would show me off better, as she put it.

“
You and Ben are stopping by Cape May before going to his parents’ house, right?” Mama asked as she folded the last shirt into the suitcase and zipped it up.

“
Yeah. I think just for the day, though.”

“
That will be nice.”

Mama and Bill thought Ben and I were just going to Cape May for a little vacation before seeing his family, which was partly true, but I mostly wanted to see what I could find there. I hoped I’d recognize some buildings, but I didn’t expect much since it was over 130 years later.

After double-checking that I had everything I needed for New Jersey, I sat at my desk and applied very light pink blush to my cheeks and some mascara to one eye. The slamming of a car door outside made me jump and I painted my other eyebrow black with the mascara brush. I looked out of my window and could see that it was Eric.

He looked up at me as I came quietly down the stairs. “Dani, can we talk?” Eric asked as he gestured to the front porch outside.

“
Yeah, sure.”

I set my suitcase down at the base of the steps inside and followed close behind him.

“
I know I told you to forget the conversation we had the other day about how I feel about you, but I don’t want you to forget it,” Eric said.

“
Okay, you’re confusing me.”

“
I know. I’m confusing myself.” Eric shifted his weight from one leg to the other. He did this when he was nervous, but I had never seen him do this with me. He quickly took his hat off and ran both hands through his hair. “I don’t know how to say this, but I got accepted to Northeastern. I leave next week.”

“
Oh, Eric. Why’d you do that? I told you not to go because of me.” I gritted my teeth in anger.

“
It’s not just because of you. I realized after we talked that I want to go mostly to figure out who I am. I need to get away from Sugar Hill and Gainesville and you made me realize that.”

“
Don’t blame this one on me. Geez ... I want you to stay here more than anything. I didn’t make you choose this, Eric.” How could he insinuate that I somehow pushed him into the decision?

“
No, I’m not saying it was totally you. Shit. Look, I just want you to know that you made me really sit down and think about what I want. My parents are always fighting, Shannon and Brad have each other, and now you have Ben. I’m not even sure I fit in here anymore. I have to go, Dani. I have to figure out what I want to do with my life and I can’t do that here or at Gainesville. Does that make any sense?”

I nodded my head in agreement.

He grabbed my face in his and we stared into each other’s eyes for a moment.

Then he kissed me.

I pulled away immediately as our lips touched and gave Eric a slight push. I stared at him and lowered my chin, letting out a low growl.

“
What the hell, Eric?”

“
Sorry about that,” he said as he put his hands up in surrender.

“
You know, I just don’t even know who you are anymore.” I turned and slammed the front door, leaving Eric on the porch. In a matter of weeks, we had gone from best friends to an awkward pair of individuals I didn’t even recognize anymore. As far as I was concerned, it was all Eric’s fault. I watched from the kitchen window as Eric sulked his way down the front porch steps slowly to his car. He glanced back and I quickly ducked. I didn’t want him to think that I cared about how we left things. Why did he have a way of ruining so many perfectly good days for me lately? It was always when I had plans with Ben. I began to think that Eric had some sort of Ben radar and could sense that I was happy so he felt the need to bring me down.

“
What was that about?” asked Bill.

“
Arghh,” I replied waving my hand in the air as if to say ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ I stomped my way up the stairs to my room and grabbed
Pride and Prejudice
from my nightstand, then came back down the steps with thundering frustration before heading out to the front porch. I thought I’d take a moment to myself outside and actually start reading it before Ben showed up. I only got to the third chapter and found that I could relate to Elizabeth when Darcy wouldn’t dance with her at the ball because she wasn’t pretty enough to be in his company. It was how I imagined people felt when they saw Ben and me together.

I could hear Ben’s car coming around the corner to our house and I quickly shot up from the rocking chair on the porch, opened the front door, and yelled, “I’m leaving. See y’all on Sunday!” I was so excited to go, but I also didn’t want to risk Ben getting out of the car for fear that Mama would try and stall us with small talk. I had forgotten my suitcase, so I swiftly ran back inside and grabbed it.

He rolled down the passenger side window and said, “Hey, gorgeous.” It still floored me that I was his girlfriend.

“
Hey there,” I responded while I tossed my bag in the back seat and leaned in to kiss him.

“
Hmmm, I missed those lips,” Ben said as he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me towards him so he could properly greet me with a kiss.

“
I’m sure my mama is staring out a window right now and just saw you shove your tongue down my throat. You’re not making my life very easy these days, you know.”

“
Sorry, I just can’t help myself when you’re around.”

We pulled out of the driveway and began our trip to Cape May.

Chapter 20

The drive to Cape May was going to take forever - at least 12 hours. Ben had the route planned out with stops along the way. We left the house at nine a.m. so we could make it to our hotel by ten p.m. at the latest. With the way Ben drove, we might make it there in time for dinner.

“
I’m so nervous to meet your family,” I said as we drove along Route 85 out of Georgia, passing large, wooded areas on either side of the highway. Towns along the way were speckled with shopping malls and massive residential communities surrounded by southern live oak trees and the occasional crape myrtle.

Ben responded reassuringly, “You’ll be fine. I’m sure they’ll all love you. Sharon is bringing Leah and we’re gonna Skype my brother Kevin in Belgium. My mom is on a trip with some of her girlfriends, but she’ll be there on Sunday morning to meet us for breakfast.”

“
Your family is so much more cultured than mine. I’m afraid I won’t have anything to talk to them about because all of you have done so many things and traveled all over the world.”

“
Dani, look, they’re all just so excited that I’m bringing a girl home to meet them, they’re probably gonna surround you the second you get in the house. I mean, you’re the reason I’m coming home.”

“
It just makes me nervous. I don’t want to say the wrong thing. What if I pass out during dinner or something?”

“
You’re not going to pass out during dinner.”

“
I’m not so sure about that. I don’t exactly know what’s going on with me lately. Maybe it’s not the best time to be introduced to your entire family.”

“
It’s the perfect time. If not now, when, Danielle? When will you have the opportunity to come with me to Cape May again? You’ll be going back to school soon, so there’s no better time to go than now. You’re just nervous. You’ll be fine. I’ll be right next to you the entire time. My family isn’t that scary.”

“
I know. Let’s talk about something else. We’ve got a long drive and I can’t bear to think about encountering your mother. If she’s anything like you’ve told me, I’ll feel about as small as a tick compared to her.”

“
Where does this lack in confidence come from?”

“
I’m not sure.” I took a deep breath. “I’m not going to think about it anymore. It’ll be fun and I’m glad you invited me to go along with you.” I smiled at Ben and hoped it was enough to reassure him that I was excited about our trip.

“
I wouldn’t have made this drive without you.” He took my hand and kissed it.

The drive was very relaxing and our conversation never stalled. Ben had his hand on my thigh almost the entire time and at every stop, he would come around to my side of the car and open the door for me and extend a hand to help me out. It was like we were teenagers driving around to find the perfect make-out spot with the best view. In South Carolina, we were somewhere near the border of its northern neighbor when we found a little road off the highway that took us to a place overlooking Lake Whelchel. It seemed that our relationship was at its best when we were near water, or making out in it. In North Carolina, it was High Rock Lake that set us on fire, and by the time we got to Virginia I was bursting with anticipation for the ride over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.

We didn’t quite make New Jersey by dinner time like Ben wanted to, but we got to Norfolk, Virginia - four hours away from the Cape - in time to grab a bite to eat. Ben liked to experience whatever town he was in through food, so we stopped at an eccentric little Italian restaurant off Route 13. The outside walls looked like they were made out of driftwood and dozens of flowerpots lined the walkway to the entrance.