A Year in the Life of a Complete and Total Genius (2 page)

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: October 23, 9:21

Hi, Arthur! I'm really excited that you are my creative writing partner!!! LOL!! I LOVE writing stories, and it's gonna be really fun sharing ideas with you! I didn't even know you liked writing! You should join the newspaper! We have a lot of fun reporting on stuff! And it's GREAT practice for writing!

So far, I think my story for the contest is going to be a VAMPIRE story! It will be something about a guy who is locked in a mental institution because he sees VAMPIRES and keeps telling people that they are coming for him, but people think he's crazy. Of course, the vamps will be real LOL! I'm not sure how it will end yet, but probably something GORY! Do you have any ideas?!

Kennedy :)

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: October 23, 10:04

Dear Kennedy,

I love you

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: October 23, 10:09

Sorry, Kennedy! I accidentally hit Send before finishing that sentence. I meant to say I love your idea! I don't know how your story should end, but I will think about it. I also will join the newspaper with you. That sounds good. I'm not sure how much time I will be able to spend on it, since I write a lot already. I plan on becoming a world-famous author, so I need to practice. I think my story will be an epic story. I've been thinking that maybe it will be the story of a poor man who thinks he's a knight. He lives in a village and thinks that windmills are dragons, so he tries to kill them. It sounds funny, but it will be very sad. He will think that a peasant in the next village is a princess for him to save. At the end, he will die of heartbreak. That's sort of the main storyline so far.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: October 23, 20:13

Hi, Arthur! You are SO funny! I'm glad you are going to join the newspaper! That will make TWO new reporters LOL! Robbie Z is also going to join! Do you know Robbie? We are next-door neighbors! Well, not quite, but he lives across the street and we've been playing baseball on the same team SINCE T-BALL! I know Robbie hates writing, but we ALWAYS need photographers and artists LOL!

Anyways, your story sounds pretty good, but…um…I'm pretty sure that there's a famous story like that already? My parents took me to a play called Man of La Mancha and it was kind of the same as your story! Maybe you saw the same play and forgot that you saw it LOL! That happens to me all the time too LOL! I bet you could change it though, and make it a new story! LOTS of GREAT writers rewrite other stories!

Anyways, have a good weekend and I will see you at the newspaper meeting on Monday at lunch! Room 204! My boyfriend is taking me BOWLING tomorrow LOL! TOO funny LOL!

Kennedy :)

• • •

October 24th

Dear RJ,

We're still reading the cowboy book. I don't actually know why we're studying it. I mean, Ms. Whitehead said that SHE studied it in junior high. How old is this book?! And why do authors write stories based in “reality”? It's lame. First, like I said before, cowboys aren't really real, not the way books describe them. And no kid would ever call himself a cowboy. That's like kids who play D&D calling themselves geeks.
Cowboys Don't Cry
? Of course they don't. Who would “identify” with this book? I bet Ms. Whitehead would say that it's “symbolic.” My mom told me that symbolism in books was all made up, but I think that the ranch in this book symbolizes boredom for everybody who has to read it. Luke said that his class is reading
The Hunger Games
. That sounds way better. I wish we lived close by him and then I would get to read better books in school.

I would rather read a story where the world isn't real, where the world is made up, with ogres and knights and magic. At least then the good guys are good guys, and the princess doesn't have a next-door neighbor who is a guy who “accidentally” hits people on the head with his backpack on his way to the back of the bus the way Robbie does to me. She also doesn't have a boyfriend in eighth grade who takes her bowling. Who goes bowling anyway? My story for the competition is going to take place in a different world. I can already describe what all the monsters look like. It's going to be awesome, and all the judges are going to be amazed at how I was able to create a whole new world and paint images inside their minds.

In my story, I won't kill off the parents either, because it sucks for the kid who reads that book and knows what it feels like when his mom dies, and it sucks for everybody else who has to be in a class with a kid whose mom has died and then they look at him to answer all the questions the teacher asks about how the character is feeling.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: October 25, 21:10

Hi, Arthur! I didn't see you at the newspaper meeting at lunch today! Then I thought that maybe I forgot to tell you what room it was in LOL! For next time, it's in Mr. Everett's lab! Mr. E. is SUCH a nerd but he's funny LOL! ANYWAYS, I signed you up to do an article on the Halloween Dance! I can't wait to see your costume! Also, have you thought more about your story? I think that maybe in mine one of the nurses will be an ALIEN! Crazy twist LOL!

Kennedy :)

• • •

Assignment: Acrostic Poems

Write an acrostic poem about a person in your life. It could be a poem about your dog, your boyfriend/girlfriend, your grandmother, or maybe even a poem about a celebrity you find inspiring. A reminder: an acrostic poem uses the first letter of a word or name at the beginning of each line. Extra points if your poem rhymes!

Due: October 26

• • •

My Dad

By Arthur Bean

E
very night, he sits in a chair

R
eality shows on the TV blare

N
ot watching them really

E
ach one looks so silly

S
ometimes he smiles weakly

T
o me it looks meekly

B
ut he's there every night

E
rnest Bean will be all right

A
s long as he's not dumb, and

N
ever forgets my mom.

Dear Arthur,

Your acrostic is a lovely ode to your father, but it's quite sad. Maybe next time you can try focusing on his best qualities or your favorite memories that include him. It might make you feel better. Did he teach you to ride a bicycle? Does he play catch with you in the backyard? This is a real departure from the humor in your previous work. Know that you can speak to me privately should you be encountering any problems at school or at home.

Ms. Whitehead

• • •

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: October 26, 17:04

Hi, Arthur! Did you get my message about the newspaper and the article about the Halloween Dance? I never heard back from you! The dance is on Friday night, I HOPE you can make it! I still don't have a costume! My bf wants to go as Fred and Wilma from the FLINTSTONES LOL! I told him that was crazy since I have BLOND hair, not red LOL! Now I think we will go as a fisherman and a mermaid LOL! Anyway, Mr. Everett wants to have a first draft of your story at the newspaper meeting on MONDAY at NOON. Don't worry if it's not perfect (OF COURSE it's yours, so it probably will be anyway LOL) cuz Mr. E. edits everything anyway. He said that even HE makes spelling mistakes LOL! OK, I'm off to do some homework!

Kennedy :)

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: October 26, 17:20

Dear Kennedy,

Sorry I didn't make it to the meeting. I wasn't sure I wanted to join anymore but you convinced me. I'm very busy with my writing, because I'm working on a novel outside of school. I'm going to be the youngest winner of the Governor General's Award, but I need to write a lot. But since you seem so excited about it, I will be at the dance. I think I will go as a reporter. Funny, huh?

See you on Friday. I'm sure it will be fun.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: October 26, 19:06

Hooray!!! LOVE the costume idea LOLOLOL!!! And I CAN'T WAIT to read your PRIZE-WINNING NOVEL LOLOLOL!!!

Kennedy :)

• • •

Halloween Dance a Scream

By Arthur Bean

Terry Fox Junior High had a howl of a good time on Friday night at the Halloween Dance.

Taking first prize in the couples' costume contest were Amanda Lawrence and Jeffrey Wong for their inspired Romeo and Ghouliet costumes. Placing a close second were Kennedy Laurel and Sandy Dickason as Fisherman and Mermaid. Their second-place finish is likely because Kennedy's mermaid costume clearly outdid her boyfriend's flannel shirt and rubber boots. That's just pretending to be in costume. Everyone thought that Oliver Keith's Quasimodo would win Best Individual Costume, but he lost to Peter Lee's Couch Potato costume. I have a “hunch” Quasimodo will be “back” next year.

The party really started when the vampire DJ went on his coffin break and the mummy DJ started spinning wrap music.

The most shocking event of the night was when Robbie Zack, dressed as a cannibal, was suspended from school. He was found in the home ec room, buttering up the teacher.

Hiya, Arthur,

A punster, like myself! What a great start on your first article. I'm going to look it over and make some edits in time for publication on Friday. For your next article, try to focus on finding the story, and not just the puns. And don't forget to stick to the truth and nothing but the truth. I appreciate the humor, but we don't want to confuse our readers by printing a photo of Robbie Zack as Batman and referring to him as a cannibal. (Wouldn't that be a new twist in the next Batman comic?) Very funny though! Cheers!

Mr. Everett

PS Why did the monster eat a lightbulb? She wanted a light snack!

Assignment: Call-and-Response Poems

In Friday's class, many of you commented on the lyrical qualities of the call-and-response poems. Sometimes we can find inspiration in the words of our colleagues, so I have assigned you a partner and would like you to write four to six stanzas of a “call-and-response” poem. In this poem, the first person (Person A) writes the first stanza. Then Person B will write a stanza that responds to Person A's writing. Person A will then respond to Person B and so forth. You may find yourselves surprised at what wonders collaboration can create!

Due: End of class today! (November 1)

• • •

Call-and-Response Poem

By Arthur Bean and Robbie Zack

(Robbie)

Poettry is for loosers

Sports are way more cool

Like hockey and bassketball

And even baseball is beter than a pome

(Arthur)

Your lack of intelligence astounds me

But then, your mean streak does too

Sports are for idiots, jerks, and bullies

In short, they're for people like you

(Robbie)

There not for jerks, nerdball

There for people with skills like stick handleing

And running fast

Leaving loosers in dust

Where you will be

(Arthur)

I know you think you're cool

Cuz you're bigger than kids like me

But I will be famous, and you will be dumb

In the future, you just wait and see

(Robbie)

whatever.

your not worth my time

i just want to rite about sports

(Arthur)

You're confusing your you're with your your

Something we learned in grade three

But I guess to you grammar doesn't matter

Cuz it's not needed when you work at McD's

• • •

November 3

Dear Ernest,

Your son Arthur is in my Language Arts and Creative Writing class. He is bright, enthusiastic, and participates often in class discussions. However, I have some concerns about his behavior, particularly concerning his interactions with one of his classmates, Robert Zack. I am worried about his aggression toward Robert and the disdain he shows for Robert's work. Robert is a student who struggles in the Language Arts setting, and I believe that it might be a great help to both Arthur and Robert to work together.

I'm proposing that Arthur become Robert's tutor for the next few months. I feel that Robert could certainly benefit from Arthur's knowledge and passion for the English language, and it may help Arthur to become more understanding of other people's foibles and challenges. I understand that Arthur and Robert have had some confrontations in the past, and I hope that some structured time one-on-one will help them interact on a more positive basis. The Terry Fox Junior High peer tutoring process takes place for one hour each week, directly after school, on an afternoon that is mutually convenient for the tutor and tutee. With your consent, I will set up a time to meet with Robert and Arthur to discuss the tutoring process.

Should you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,

Alexa Whitehead

Dear Ms. Whitehead,

I would like to point out that my father is very strict about people referring to him as Ernest. He won't like you being so personal by using his first name instead of Mr. Bean. Secondly, I am very busy after school. I have activities on every evening, and I have writing to do for the school competition AND the newspaper. I don't think I could make it work with my very busy extracurricular schedule. I think you should reconsider sending this letter to my dad at all. He's a very busy man, and he is also very sad about losing his wife, so if he thinks his son is bad, it might break his heart and leave me an orphan. Don't you think I've been through enough?

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

Arthur,

Please keep this revised letter in this
sealed
envelope for delivery to your father.

Thank you,

Ms. Whitehead

• • •

November 4th

Dear RJ,

I know that I'm supposed to use you for reading responses, so I'm responding to a letter that Ms. Whitehead wrote to my father. It sucks. It's the stupidest letter I've ever seen—and the stupidest idea ever. For one thing, I think Robbie will just use the time for tutoring to spit on my paper. He used to do that in fifth grade when we sat across from each other. Then I got in trouble for handing in wet math problems, and the cool girls called me Droolyface. Not only that, but Robbie is clearly stupid. My mom used to say that calling people stupid is the worst thing you can do, but I think that's stupid. Sorry, Mom. Some people are stupid. People like Robbie Zack, and people like Ms. Whitehead for coming up with some crappy punishment for me because she knows I'm probably smarter than she is and that I'm going to be famous and never dedicate a book to her. I won't even thank her in the Thank You section. All this tutoring is going to get in the way of my writing time too. My story for the competition is going to be way shorter now.

Anyway, RJ, I just wanted to tell you this because no one else will listen. If ever you want to tell me something, RJ, I'll listen. HA-HA-HA.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

November 4th

Dear Mr. Everett,

I've been thinking a lot about my place in the newspaper club, and I would like to write a column once a month. In my article, I will comment on goings-on at school and in the world as I see them. I promise it will be funny, especially since I am practicing to be a famous author one day.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

Hiya, Arthur,

Your suggestion for a running article is an interesting one! What enthusiasm and initiative for the newspaper! We normally reserve opinion pieces for the editors who have a couple of years of hard-hitting journalism in grades seven and eight behind them. Why don't you cover the Remembrance Day Assembly instead? We can see how that goes, along with a few other articles in the next couple of months and perhaps try a sample of a running article after a few more editions.

Cheers!

Mr. E.

• • •

November 5th

Dear Alexa,

Please consider this letter as consent for Arthur to participate in the tutoring program. I'm glad he's able to help out.

Ernie B.

• • •

November 7th

Dear RJ,

I have to start tutoring Robbie this Tuesday. I tried to talk to my dad, but he says I have to do it if my teacher thinks it's a good idea. He told me to “take it as a compliment.” I don't know how spending time with a jerk is a compliment. I was talking to Luke about it today, and he said that I should say that I'm sick and go home early, and then when Ms. Whitehead asks me about it, I could say that looking at Robbie's face makes me want to throw up. I thought that was pretty funny, don't you, RJ? Too bad Luke isn't around more often. We got to see them at Thanksgiving, but now I have to wait until Christmas. Talking to him on the phone sucks too. His mom always takes the phone from him and coos about sending her love. It's so lame.

Oh yeah. About reading books, Luke told me to read
Feed
, by M. T. Anderson. He said it's crazy-weird and funny so far. I'm going to see if the library has it tomorrow.

Anyway, wish me luck this week, RJ. I'm going to need it!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

• • •

Peer Tutoring Program—Progress Report

Session: November 9th

Worked On: Synonyms.

I think this is impossible. This guy is a turd.

—Arthur

I concur (agree)

—Robbie

• • •

Assignment: Remembrance Day Poems

Write a poem for Remembrance Day. Look at some of the poems. we read and studied in class for inspiration. Perhaps your poem is inspirational, or perhaps it is antiwar. Maybe you want to consider writing the poetic story of a soldier in World War II. We'll read the works in class and choose a favorite to be read at the school Remembrance Day Assembly.

Due: November 10

• • •

War

By Arthur Bean

In schoolyard fields

The insults are said

Between the bullies

Grade to grade

They don't throw bombs

They throw water balloons

They think they're funny

They're just baboons

We are the nerds

Short days ago, we knit,

Felt pride, wrote songs

And poems, then felt wronged

And now we hide

In classrooms, side by side

Away from schoolyard fields

We are the lowest of the low

To cooler kids we throw

The answers to next week's test

And maybe they won't pick on us

At least until we miss the bus

And have to wait

In schoolyard fields

Dear Arthur,

Your reimagined poem of “In Flanders Fields” is very interesting. I appreciate your creative variation on the assignment—to suggest that war could be considered bullying on a much larger scale. It is an intriguing concept. However, you understand that your liberal interpretation of the assignment would be inappropriate for a school assembly marking an occasion as solemn as Remembrance Day, don't you? Many people have a soft spot for this particular poem, even today.

Ms. Whitehead

• • •

We Shall Grow Old during the Assembly

By Arthur Bean

Terry Fox Jr. High celebrated another Remembrance Day with an assembly on November 10th. As expected from an assembly, there was the usual singing of the national anthem, a bad rendition of a mournful song by the choir, and some speakers. Three poems were read, one by a student in each grade. Representing the ninth graders was Mikayla Connors, reading a rhyming poem pretending she was a dead soldier from World War I. Eighth-grade student Brianna Lau read her poem about being a dead soldier from World War II, and finishing off the trio was seventh-grade student Paige Petrovych, who read—yes, you got it—her poem about being a soldier who watches his best friend die in World War I. Certainly there were better poems in the seventh-grade class than this overwrought free verse. In case you fell asleep during this part of the show, you can read all three poems on page 5 of this edition of the Terry Fox Jr. High
Marathon
.

The poems were followed by the obligatory two minutes of silence, one of which was punctuated by a teacher's cell phone ringing. Read more about the school cell phone policy on page 1.

The best part of the assembly was the talk from a soldier who recently served in Afghanistan. Lt. Ducharme was funny but also serious, and told us some great and sad stories about life as a soldier and about living in a war zone. He should come to every assembly.

Hiya, Arthur,

There's some great work in your writing here! You've covered some of the major points of the assembly, and I like how you refer your readers to other parts of the newspaper. For your next piece, focus on being more objective while you are reporting. It's awesome that you covered everything so completely, so now try and look at your subject like a scientist! Think objectively, and avoid adding your own personal commentary. I've done some editing on your article to show you what I mean—check it out!

Would you like to try covering a school sporting event next? The boys' volleyball finals are next week. Should be a smashing game!

Cheers!

Mr. E.

Dear Mr. Everett,

No offense, but sports don't interest me. What I would really like is to write my own opinion pieces, since you've said that my voice is so strong. How about I write one article for the December edition of the paper, and you can review it beforehand? I'll have an article for you by the end of the week!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

Hiya, Arthur,

I think I'd like to see more articles from you before we look into a new format. After all, I'm still learning about the best format for the school paper too! The trials of being a first-year teacher! Could you review the short film that the AV Club made this fall? They will be showing it every lunch hour during the first week of December in the drama room, but are willing to do a preview for the newspaper. I bet it leaves you reeling!

Cheers!

Mr. E.

• • •

November 15th

Dear RJ,

I knew that the first month back at school would be hard and stuff, but I didn't think it was going to stay that way! First off, Luke was right about there being so much homework. I'm
always
doing homework, when what I really want to work on is my short story for the competition. I heard about this book that teaches you how to write a novel in three days, so I'm going to find that. I hope it has lots of ideas to choose from. Can you imagine? If this book tells you how to write a book in three days, then it must take like an hour to write a short story! I'm going to write something like
Feed
. Luke was right. That book is super weird and crazy, but it kind of feels like it could actually happen in the future.