Wanderlust (8 page)

‘I’m not. I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the last few days. That night, at the bonfire, was the first time I’d been able to think about it without wanting to kill him. It feels like it happened to someone else. It’s like the person that happened to disappeared when I came here. Does that makes any sense?’

Alex nodded. ‘It does.’

‘Are you going to tell me why you left Berlin?’

Alex shifted a little. She’d said what happened to her wasn’t a secret, that he could easily have found out for himself, but she clearly trusted him. He didn’t want to change that, and he wanted to be as open with her as she’d been with him.

‘I’m guessing it’s because of a woman?’ she pressed.

He sighed and looked back up at the sky. ‘A woman, friends. Family.’

‘Family?’

‘Things with my parents weren’t so great before I left. We argued a lot, mostly because they thought I was throwing my life away and they were right. It didn’t make it any easier to hear, though.’

‘And the woman?’

The woman. Why did she want to know? What was it about people that made them so interested in the gory details? It was like asking how many people your new partner had slept with before. It was unnecessary and only ever led to trouble because there was no right answer to give. He looked at her and saw her staring at him as if she were trying to stare right into his soul and, once again, he found himself unable to lie.

‘This, what you’re feeling tonight, was my life for months.’

‘Drugs?’

Alex nodded, keeping his eyes fixed firmly on the sky. Selina’s aversion to drugs told him that she’d probably be less than impressed at his former lifestyle.

‘I never took anything before my accident. I loved my job and I took it seriously. I’d have a few beers now and again, sure, but nothing more than that. After the accident, things spiralled out of control. I started to drink more, and then one night, I met Marie.’

He looked at Selina, but she simply nodded for him to continue.

‘Things were really good at first. She was magnetic and we had a lot of fun.’

‘And you’d get high?’

‘Not all the time, not to begin with. It wasn’t my scene but Marie…she loved it. And I got more and more curious. Eventually I tried it and for a while, I felt invincible. It was like I became everything I loved about her. I had a new group of friends and people wanted to be around the two of us because we seemed like fun. It gave me something I hadn’t felt since I’d had to stop climbing.’

‘So what changed?’

‘The fun stopped. I thought it could replace the rush of climbing, but it couldn’t. The comedowns took longer and we started to fight all the time. She wanted to keep going out, keep getting high, and I didn’t want to and eventually I saw what was really going on. The Marie I thought I knew, the one I’d met for the first time, didn’t really exist. It was all built on convenience and lies.’ Alex sighed and clenched his jaw. ‘I left her and came here.’

‘But at the bonfire, you said it was something mean and cruel.’

‘I didn’t tell her I was going until the day I flew out. And even then, I just left her a note, telling her I was leaving.’

Alex kept his eyes firmly fixed onto the brightest star he could find in the sky. He wasn’t the first guy in the world to skip out on a woman, but that didn’t help his conscience, especially when the woman in question was still bombarding him with messages three months later.

Selina said. ‘That’s a really dickhead-ish thing to do, Alex.’

‘I know, and I’m not proud of it. I’d told her before that she needed help but she’d always refuse and call me a square. She thought her lifestyle was normal, and I genuinely think she enjoyed it. But I just couldn’t do it anymore and I knew that if I stayed, I’d end up like her. If her messages are anything to go by, she still hates me. Probably always will.’

‘She wants you back?’

‘I don’t think so. I think she’s angry with me, more than anything else. She didn’t deserve to be treated like that. She needed help and I dumped her because I couldn’t be the one to give it to her. I had my own shit to deal with. I made myself a promise not to do the same thing again. I don’t want to get involved with anyone until I’ve sorted my head out. I felt really bad for leaving her behind like that. I still do.’

Selina didn’t reply and he didn’t know whether to take her silence as disapproval or whether it was because her mind had floated away elsewhere. He hadn’t planned to tell her everything, he’d intended to give her an overview, but the more he’d spoken, the more he’d wanted her to know. After all, they were friends now, weren’t they?

‘Feeling bad is good,’ she said, eventually breaking the silence. ‘It means you’re not an actual dickhead. Just a dickhead in disguise.’

Alex looked at her and laughed as his body relaxed a little with relief. Selina had met him at a weird time in his life, at a time where he was just starting to change into the kind of person he wanted to become. She didn’t know the old Alex, and there was a part of him that hadn’t wanted her to. He hadn’t wanted her to think badly of him.

‘And, dickhead-in-disguise or not, I’m really glad you’re here,’ she said, and inched closer to him before nonchalantly draping an arm across his chest.

Alex held his breath. If anything, he’d have expected her to be disgusted with him for walking out on someone without even so much as a backwards glance but instead, she was curling up next to him, nestling her face into his shoulder. He was sure that if he’d have told her this at any other time, she might not have been so understanding.

‘I’m going to miss you when you leave,’ she said with a sigh.

Her breath was warm on his neck. How could something as simple as the sensation of her breath send a pulse of shivers down his spine, through his legs and into his toes? He took a deep breath, trying to refocus. At least if she’d have reacted badly to what he’d told her, he’d be reassured that there was absolutely no chance his promise could be broken.

He remembered what Penny had said earlier, about the bonds people make. He wasn’t imagining the seeds that were being planted between him and Selina, but they’d only known each other for a few days, and they both had enough to deal with without making things any more complicated. So why was he beginning to think that the apprehension he felt whenever he thought about Croatia wasn’t because he’d miss Colinas Verde, but that he’d miss Selina?

He closed his eyes. It made no difference if his apprehension was because of Selina or not. The fact was that he’d be leaving in two days time, and she’d be staying in Ibiza, whether he liked it or not.

‘Bloody hell, Selina,’ Natasha said. ‘When I told you to experience things, I didn’t expect you to take it so literally.’

Selina heaved a sigh that turned into a yawn as she held the phone against her ear.

‘It’s not like it was on purpose,’ she replied. ‘And believe me, I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll never take someone else’s drink, ever again.’

‘How are you feeling now?’

‘Like I could sleep for days.’ She yawned again.

She looked at the sky through her bedroom window. It was almost evening and she’d spent all day in bed. Luckily, the days she worked were just as flexible as her hours. She’d slept for nearly twelve hours, occasionally waking up to drink some water before going straight back to sleep again.

‘My body feels like it’s been drained of all its energy,’ she continued, burrowing further into the covers.

‘I’m not surprised.’

‘Oh God.’ Selina groaned. ‘I can’t believe I threw up in front of Alex. Talk about embarrassing.’

‘At least he didn’t have to hold your hair back. You did the right thing, cutting it before you left.’

‘Not funny, Tasha.’ Selina sighed. ‘At least he was there, though. It made it a lot less scary.’

‘I suppose, but that’s only because he’d done it before himself,’ Natasha replied disapprovingly.

She was just as anti-drugs as Selina, so it was no surprise that she’d screeched down the phone when she’d heard what had happened.

‘He doesn’t do them anymore,’ Selina replied, feeling the need to defend him. ‘He was really great. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he weren’t there.’

‘Why do I get the feeling that now he’s done his knight in shining armour act, you’re going to start obsessing over him?’

‘I’m not.’

‘I don’t believe you. I mean, yesterday you were resorting to the fact he walks around barefoot as a reason not to fancy him.’

‘I know, but…’ Selina tailed off. How could she put it into words?

While she'd been lying down in the truck hallucinating, she'd seen her time in Colinas Verde playing out in heightened colour and sound and had been aware of Alex next to her, feeling perfectly safe. In her hallucinations, or visions, or whatever they were, she’d felt closer to him than she ever had with anybody, and it hadn’t stopped when she’d woken up. It was as if everything that she’d hated about him to begin with had simply melted away, even when he’d told her about the ex and the life he’d left behind. It had made him vulnerable, and that was why she’d hugged him afterwards. She’d felt the need to let him know she didn’t think badly of him and she’d been unable to articulate it with words. His body had felt warm and perfect alongside hers, and once she’d started to touch him, she hadn’t wanted to stop.

‘But what?’ Natasha asked, jolting her out of her memory.

Selina sighed. ‘Nothing. It doesn’t matter.’

She couldn’t explain it and, even if she could, Natasha wouldn’t understand. How could she, when Selina didn’t understand it herself?

‘You didn’t do anything with him, did you?’

‘It wasn’t like that. It was…’ she searched for the right word. ‘It wasn’t sexual. It was like we connected on another level.’

‘Do you know how you sound right now?’

‘I know, but I don’t know how else to describe it. Besides, it wouldn’t have been right for anything to happen.’

‘No, it wouldn’t, but you sound disappointed.’

Alex hadn’t done anything other than let her hug him, and wrap an arm protectively around her shoulder. And while she was happy he hadn’t taken advantage of her, there was a part of her that wished she’d have kissed him. She could have, too. After playing with his hair and stroking his neck, it wouldn’t have taken much to tip things over the edge. She’d never felt so turned on in her life and she was sure she’d have felt the same way even if she hadn’t drunk that water. She’d known that something would happen. She just hadn’t banked on the night turning out the way it had.

‘It’s for the best,’ Selina said in as bright a voice as she could manage. ‘Anyway, he’s leaving tomorrow.’

‘Listen, I have to get back to work,’ Natasha said. ‘You should rest up.’

‘I couldn’t do anything else, even if I wanted to.’

‘Good. And listen, you’re right about it being for the best that nothing happened last night. You’d only have regretted it this morning.’

She was sure Natasha was right, but she didn’t say anything more except than to ring off. She stuck her arm out of the covers to put her phone on the bedside table before pulling the blanket over her head and going back to sleep.

When she awoke two hours later, Selina sat up in bed and rolled her head from side to side. Her body ached from lying down for too long and she stretched after getting out of bed. She sniffed the t-shirt she’d fallen asleep in and pulled a face. Being stuck under a blanket all day in the Ibizan heat didn’t do any good for personal hygiene. She swung open her window to let some air circulate around the room and opened her bedroom door.

‘Hey,’ Alex said. ‘How you doing?’

He was sitting on the sofa with his feet propped up on the coffee table, eating a bowl of soup.

Selina nodded. ‘Good. I think I’ve slept enough to last me for a lifetime. I’m just going to take a shower.’

‘There’s still some of the soup you made yesterday in the fridge. Want a bowl?’

‘That sounds great. Thanks,’ she replied and headed to bathroom. It seemed her inability to cook for just two people had paid off.

The slight feeling of disorientation still hadn’t left her, but it was Alex’s last night. Surely they should be doing a group thing to celebrate? She listened to him moving around in the kitchen as she showered. Maybe she’d been wrong to simply assume that Penny would organise something. She showered quickly before pulling on a t-shirt and shorts, and by the time she went back into the living room, a steaming bowl of soup was on the coffee table, along with slices of crusty bread.

‘You’ve been sleeping all day,’ he said.

‘I didn’t have the will to do anything else.’

Now that the food was in front of her, her stomach was calling out to be fed and she tore off a chunk of bread and dipped it into the bowl as Alex took his glasses off and cleaned them with the hem of his t-shirt. She giggled, and he looked at her with his blue eyes darting from left to right with uncertainty.

‘What?’

‘Nothing,’ she replied and bit into the soaked bread. ‘I just still can’t believe that you wear glasses.’

‘My eyesight is awful. I’ve been wearing them since I was seven.’

They looked cute. Selina shoved another chunk of bread in her mouth to stop herself from saying it out loud and within minutes, the bowl was empty.

‘So nothing’s been arranged then, for tonight?’ she asked, putting the bowl back on the table.

‘There was. We were all going to eat together and make another bonfire, but since I knew you’d be feeling rough, we rearranged it to brunch tomorrow. I’ll head to the airport afterwards.’

Selina looked at him as put his glasses back on. He’d rearranged his leaving party, because of her?

‘That’s really kind, but I feel awful. It’s the second night in a row I’ve ruined for you.’

Alex shrugged. ‘No big deal. It was just dinner.’

‘This week’s gone so quickly,’ she said quietly. ‘I can’t believe I’ll be on my own after tomorrow.’

‘You’ll be fine. You pretty much know your way around now.’

Selina nodded, but that wasn’t what she meant. Yes, she knew her way around now. She knew where everything was stored, what needed to be done and who to go to for what, but those were just practicalities. After balking at the idea of living with him to begin with, she’d got used to him being around. What would it be like when she woke up in the bungalow alone, instead of hearing Alex shuffling into the bathroom? When she turned the lights out at night, there wouldn’t be a strip of light shining under her bedroom door because he wouldn’t be sat in the living room, reading. Instead, it’d be plunged into darkness.

The scent of mint and wood floated towards her, the same scent that had filled her nose when they’d first met. It was funny, but even though she’d been skin to skin with him last night, she couldn’t recall smelling it.

She looked at him as he tapped his index finger against the arm of the sofa. Was it just her imagination, or had the air in the room suddenly got heavier? He turned his head a fraction to look at her and she looked down at her hands. She wasn’t imagining it, was she? She looked at his finger, tapping away and wondered if it was because he was feeling it too.

Selina looked at the clock on the wall. It had almost been an hour since she’d woken up and, in a few more, today would officially be over and the day he’d leave for Croatia would finally be here. Suddenly, she felt like she was thirteen again, sitting in the cinema, waiting for her date to make a move and give her what would be her first kiss. It was a pattern that had repeated itself ever since. She’d always been too scared to make the first move, worried about whether she’d misinterpreted signals, whether she’d make an idiot of herself. But something was telling her it wouldn’t be the case this time.

They’d opened up to each other. He’d looked after her last night, when her body and mind had been as foggy as an autumn afternoon. They’d laughed together, and even sniped at each other about their first impressions of one another. She didn’t want her last impressions to be tainted with the question,
what if?

She took a breath, remembering what Natasha had said when they’d Skyped yesterday. She’d always been wary of making a fool of herself and after Liam had posted those photos, that instinct had gone into overdrive. What she needed was a kick up the backside and she needed one now, because she knew that if she didn’t do something, she’d regret it.

Alex moved to get up, and Selina swallowed, knowing that if she let him go, the moment would be lost. It was now or never. She grabbed his arm and he stopped, looking at her with a small frown.

‘Selina…’ He shook his head, but she’d been right. She could see the internal battle raging in his head simply by the look on his face.

She hadn’t been the only one to make a promise not to get involved with anyone, but she hadn’t figured meeting him into her plans. And she was sure he was feeling the same way because instead of shrugging her off, he was still looking at her, half sitting, half standing on the sofa. His eyes flicked down to her lips and back up to her eyes. They’d unashamedly scanned her from head to toe all week. She’d seen it, when she’d sat in the kitchen in her hot-pants, and when she’d emerged from the bungalow wearing her playsuit last night. Now, she wanted his hands to do the same.

Selina swallowed and inched herself forwards towards him until her face was only centimetres away from his. Slowly, she let her eyes skip across his face, taking in every detail. She looked at his long eyelashes, framing the intense blue of his irises, and the fullness of his lips. She could see the cotton of his t-shirt quivering as he took short, sharp breaths and when she felt his hand on her waist, her breath quickly matched his. She didn’t move as he closed the gap between them and when he pressed his lips against hers, her breath hitched in her throat.

His kiss was soft and gentle, and utterly at odds with what she would have expected. His hands cupped her face and she slowly closed her eyes, letting herself melt against him. Who needed drugs when she could get the exact same feeling, just from a single kiss? As his tongue parted her lips, tingles shot up the length of her spine and she arched her back, closing the remaining space between them as she lifted the hem of his t-shirt with her hands.

Slowly, she trailed her fingers along the muscles on either side of his spine, just as she’d imagined that first night in the kitchen. His skin was hot against hers and with every inch she stroked, the softness of their kiss intensified. She felt his heart pulsating against his ribs as she swept her hands around to his front, greedily covering every inch of his torso until she reached the button on his jeans.

With one hand on the back of her neck and the other around her waist, he gently, but firmly, laid her down on the sofa. She watched as he sat back up and pulled his t-shirt over his head, the muscles in his torso flexing with every move he made before impatiently removing her own. He unhooked her bra and laid her back down.

His body was warm against hers and she could feel the rapid drumming of his heartbeat, right next to hers as they lay chest to chest. She hooked an arm around his neck and pulled him in closer, not wanting to wait a second longer and, as his tongue flicked against hers, and she knew, without a doubt, that she’d been right to make a move. Some promises were meant to be broken.