Wanderlust (7 page)

Selina headed back down the brightly lit hallway holding two glasses of champagne. After Alex had told her it would only be a house party, she hadn’t expected much, but this was something else.

When they’d driven up through the hills, it had become obvious that this would be no ordinary birthday party. The few houses they’d passed were nothing less than mansions, and she’d craned her neck to look at the fleeting glimpses of them through the trees. When they’d pulled up outside Erin’s house, she’d sat in the truck with her jaws hanging open. It was three storeys high, almost completely made of glass and surrounded by fragrant orange trees, and exuded understated glamour.

She stepped out onto the terrace, if she could call it that. It was enormous, with plants, sleek sculptures and stylish uplighting from the terracotta-tiled floor. There must have been a hundred people packed onto it and there was still more than enough space. It was her first night out in what felt like forever, and she was enjoying every second of it. With mid-tempo techno music wafting through the air and the pool full of people, it almost felt like she was an extra on a movie set. Alex had told her that Erin had inherited the house, along with a huge amount of money when her dad, an investment banker, had died. It made sense. What other twenty-seven year old could afford a house like this and throw a party with an apparently endless supply of food and alcohol, not to mention the DJ and fire-dancers.

She spotted Alex standing alone by the wrought iron railing, looking at the pool below and walked over to him.

‘This is such a great party,’ she said, handing him his glass. ‘Thanks for inviting me.’

Alex downed the glass in one go and grimaced. ‘Actually, I was just thinking the opposite. In fact, I was considering heading back.’

Selina pulled a face. ‘Why?’

‘This isn’t my scene.’

‘Penny told me you used to be quite the raver. I’d have thought this would be right up your street.’

‘What did she tell you?’ he asked.

Was it her imagination, or had he suddenly just got really defensive?

‘Just that you used to go out a lot. I was pretty surprised, what with you being a barefoot crusty hippy and everything.’ Selina grinned and nudged his shoulder, but he didn’t return it.

‘The me that Penny told you about doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t like this kind of stuff anymore and I really don’t want to stay any longer than I have to.’

She wanted to stay, to have some more champagne, talk to him some more, and yes, flirt with him too. If she’d have known he’d want to leave after only an hour, she’d have made a move already. It was only her nerves holding her back.

From the moment she’d started getting ready back in Colinas Verde, she’d been trying to hold them at bay. She’d spent ages getting ready, deciding on what to wear and trying to see herself through Alex’s eyes, and since arriving at Erin’s house, she’d worked through myriad ways to try and step things up to the next level in her head. It would all have been for nothing if they left now but one look at his face told her that he’d already made up his mind.

Selina sighed. ‘Okay. If that’s what you want.’

‘I’m sorry. This just isn’t what I was expecting.’

‘Don’t worry about it. It’s just a party.’ She shrugged and looked away, trying to hide her disappointment.

Maybe it was better that they did go home. They’d grown closer, but she’d made a promise to herself to stay away from guys. Maybe he was doing her a favour and saving herself from something she’d regret down the line.

Alex sighed. ‘Ah,
egal
.’

‘In English?’

‘Sorry. It means fuck it,’ he explained. ‘I can handle it a little longer.’

‘Really?’ She grinned. ‘Because if you’re really not into it, we can leave. I don’t mind.’

Alex stuffed his hands in his pockets. ‘Another hour won’t hurt.’

His body language suggested the opposite, but an extra hour would buy her a little time.

‘Thanks. Really.’

‘It’s nothing.’ He shrugged, but it was something.

The reality was, she still wasn’t even sure that he liked her like that but somehow, being at the party bolstered her courage. It was less pressure than being alone in the quiet romantic surroundings of Colinas Verde.

‘I just need to nip to the toilet, could you keep hold of this?’ She handed him her glass with a grin. ‘I’ll be back in two minutes.’

‘You’d better get a move on, then because we've only got fifty-eight left.’ He returned her grin and she left for the bathroom.

Fifty-eight minutes. Surely that was plenty of time to try and move things forward? They’d already wished Erin a happy birthday and spoken with some of the other guests. When she got back to him, they’d find a quiet corner somewhere and talk alone, and make the minutes count. And the glass of champagne she’d left with Alex would be her last. The bubbles had gone straight to her head and she didn’t want to make a fool of herself. Being the one to make the first move was nerve-wracking enough without feeling too tipsy to do it.

On the way back outside, she saw a half empty bottle of water someone had left on the table. She could go back to the kitchen and get one, but it seemed like such a long way away and she wanted to get back to Alex. She shrugged and greedily drained the bottle in record time. It was only water and whoever it belonged to had obviously forgotten about it. She grimaced once she’d finished, hoping it hadn’t been filled from the tap. The last thing she wanted was to get sick and the water had a funny, bitter taste to it. Still, it had satisfied her thirst and she’d needed it to clear her head.

As she wandered back outside, she saw faltered. Alex was chatting to a group of people. How was she supposed to get him on his own? She headed over to him, fixing a smile onto her face.

‘This is Selina,’ Alex said when she joined them. ‘She’s staying at Colinas Verde too.’

If he hadn’t told her he’d wanted to leave, she’d have believed he was in his element. Nothing about his tone or body language even hinted at him not having a good time. After introducing her to the group they were soon drawn into conversation and he seemed as at ease as he did back in Colinas Verde.

Selina leaned back against the railing, trying to involve herself instead of wishing she could drag Alex away to somewhere they could talk by themselves, but with every passing second, she felt more and more removed from what was going on. She fixed a look of concentration onto her face and tried to focus, but she couldn’t hear anything other than the beat of her heart in her chest.

‘Selina?’

Alex’s voice jolted her and she pulled her head back down. When she turned to look at him, her vision blurred. He put a hand on her shoulder and it blazed like fire against her skin. She looked at him, blinking, trying to refocus her eyes but his face was still blurred as he moved to stand right in front of her.

‘Selina? Are you okay?’

She squinted her eyes at him. ‘I don’t know.’

The pounding in her ears reminded her of the time she’d fainted after slicing her toe open on a broken floor tile when she was twelve. She’d heard her own heartbeat, just before blacking out. Her stomach suddenly turned and she swallowed.

‘Come on,’ Alex said, taking her by the arm. ‘I think you should sit down for a bit.’

They left the group and he led her over to the chairs, she stumbled over her feet. Her legs felt wobbly and light, as if they couldn’t possibly carry her weight and Alex wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her steady until he lowered her into a chair.

‘How much have you had to drink?’ he asked, crouching in front of her.

‘A few glasses of champagne.’

‘How many?’

‘Three or four. I don’t know.’

He took her chin in his hand. His eyes scanned her face and the way he pulled his eyebrows together made her heart ram in her chest even harder.

‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ she asked.

‘How do you feel?’

Selina swallowed. ‘Sick.’

Her stomach was rolling, as if someone were kneading it like dough. She’d had three or four glasses of champagne before. Hell, she’d had more than that before, plenty of times, but it had never felt like this. She’d never felt so wobbly inside, or so damned hot.

‘Have you taken anything?’

She pulled her chin away from him and shook her head with a fierce frown on her face. ‘No. I would never do drugs. I’m not into that stuff.’

Maybe she’d been spiked. It happened to people all the time, but she’d poured her own champagne.

‘Did you have anything else? Anything at all?’

Selina shook her head before remembering the water she’d had. ‘I had some water, but that’s it.’

‘From the tap?’

‘No. I found it.’

Alex swore under his breath. ‘I’ll be right back. Don’t move.’

Selina watched as he strode across the terrace and out of sight. She couldn’t move, even if she wanted to. Her head felt light, as if it were packed with cotton wool and her stomach still churned. She curled up in the chair, feeling the need to ball in on herself and closed her eyes, willing herself not to be sick. Apart from anything else, it’d be humiliating and it wasn’t as if she needed any more of that in her life. She had to keep in control, so she took a series of long, deep breaths until she felt a warm hand softly place itself onto her shoulder.

‘Hey.’

It was Alex. His voice was soothing and tender, momentarily distracting her from her rolling stomach. She slowly opened her eyes and saw him crouching in front of her.

‘Here, drink this.’ He handed her a glass of water. ‘But sip it. Slowly.’

She did as she was told. ‘It tastes sweet. Last time it tasted bitter.’

‘The water you had earlier?’

Selina nodded and took another sip before squeezing her eyes shut. It was all she could do to focus on sipping the water and not being sick.

‘How are you feeling now?’

‘Weird.’ She swivelled her gaze again and jolted back as her vision juddered. ‘Its like my eyes are shaking and there are halos around the lights.’

Alex put a hand on her knee. ‘Don’t freak out, but I don’t think what you had was just water.’

‘Oh God. What was it? Please don’t tell me it was acid or something.’

She’d read a story online once, about someone who’d accidentally taken acid at a party when someone had put it in a drink, and she couldn’t think of anything worse. She hadn’t lied when she’d said she didn’t take drugs. The most she’d ever done was take a puff on a cigarette when she was fifteen and it had made her sick. After that, she’d never felt the need to experiment with anything, and she certainly didn’t want to start now.

‘It wasn’t acid,’ he replied, and she opened her eyes.

‘How do you know?’

‘Because from what you’re describing, it doesn’t sound like acid. It sounds more like MDMA.’

‘What?’ She shook her head, immediately wishing she hadn’t because it only made everything in front of her swim.

‘Apparently there are a few people on it here.’

Selina pulled herself back into a ball, hugging her knees. ‘This can’t be happening. I need to get it out. I need to make myself sick.’

Alex shook his head. ‘It won’t do anything. Your body will have absorbed it by now.’

Selina’s eyes burned as tears rolled onto her cheeks. ‘Alex, I don’t take drugs.’

‘I know.’ He moved to sit next to her on the chair and put an arm around her shoulder. ‘It’s really shit that this has happened but I promise you, you’ll be fine and in a few hours it’ll wear off.’

‘How do you know? You’re not the one who drunk half a litre of MDMA water.’

‘I just do. The main thing is that you have to try not to panic.’

Don’t panic?
What kind of advice was that? She didn’t do drugs because she couldn’t stand the idea of putting herself in a situation where she couldn’t control what would happen. Even worse, people died from drugs. They held no appeal for her whatsoever. Another swell of panic rose inside of her. She’d only been away for four days. It was supposed to be an adventure but instead, she’d accidentally taken a Class-A drug and who knew what would happen next?

‘I don’t want to die,’ she said quietly.

‘You’re not going to die.’ He squeezed her shoulder. ‘I promise.’

Alex clenched his jaw. He’d known from the minute they’d walked in that at least half the crowd were on something. That was why he wanted to leave, and he should have. It had never even crossed his mind to think about whether there’d be any drugs here tonight. He barely knew Erin, aside from the odd messages they’d swapped after he’d seen pictures of Colinas Verde on her Instagram. Of course, there was nothing on her profile to even hint at drug use. He should have dragged Selina to the truck as soon as he’d realised, whether she liked it or not, but he hadn’t thought that someone would be so stupid as to leave a bottle of MDMA water just lying around.

He looked down at her, gripping his arm with her head nestled into the crook of his shoulder.

‘I don’t want to die,’ she mumbled.

She’d repeated the same sentence over and over again ever since he’d told her what she’d taken. She’d told him she’d been to Ibiza on clubbing holidays and he assumed she’d dabbled before but she was terrified, he saw it in her face as soon as he’d said it. She wasn’t going to die, Alex knew that, but it didn’t make the situation any better. At first, he’d thought that maybe he shouldn’t have told her, but it wouldn’t have been right to lie. She was clever enough to know that alcohol alone could never make her feel how she was feeling now.

‘You won’t die,’ he replied after a few seconds. ‘It’ll pass soon, I promise.’

He’d promised that many times over the past half an hour too, and for the most part, it had worked. He’d kept her talking, trying to distract her from the rush of coming up, but somehow, she’d always gone back to thinking about dying.

‘But my body feels weird.’ Selina held up a hand in front of her face. ‘It’s like I can’t feel anything.’

He knew the feeling well. Feeling disconnected from your body and reality was something he’d experienced himself, many times before, but at least he’d experienced it intentionally.

Selina shifted in the chair and sat bolt upright. He breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God. He hadn’t wanted to move her, knowing she’d only freak out even more as her body struggled to cope with the drug taking over her system and she’d barely moved until now.

‘I feel sick,’ she said, taking a series of short, sharp breaths. ‘Really sick.’

Alex swore under his breath and helped her up before leading her around the side of the house. He didn’t want to take her back inside. There were too many people and he didn’t want her to be overwhelmed by the bright lights on the way to the bathroom. He also wanted to spare her the embarrassment of throwing up in public if they didn’t make it to the toilet in time.

He’d reasoned with himself that it was unfair to leave so soon. Selina had clearly wanted to stay and his reasons for wanting to leave were his problems, not hers. She’d looked so beautiful, standing in font of him in her playsuit with her smooth skin and big brown eyes, that he couldn’t just leave. There were dozens of people at the party, but they’d all faded away until she was all he could see. Still, right now, he was regretting that decision. If they’d have left, this wouldn’t have happened.

He held onto Selina’s shoulders as she violently retched into the bushes. How many times had he been in this situation before? He thought back to Marie’s message and the picture of her inside the club. She always got into a state on nights out, and he’d felt lucky that he didn’t have to spend half the night looking after someone else. The irony of what he was doing at that exact moment wasn’t lost on him.

He knew it wasn’t Selina’s fault, but he felt a surge of frustration. All he wanted to do was change his life. He’d got his head up out of the sand, realised that he didn’t have any other choice and done something about it. He’d left to escape the endless circle his life had descended into. He’d avoided the rampant nightlife in San Antonio and Bora Bora, yet the first night out he’d had since arriving on Ibiza was now going horribly wrong. He was an idiot for coming to the party at all, an idiot for bringing Selina with him and an even bigger one for staying.

She finally finished and straightened up, and he rubbed her back.

‘Feeling better?’ he asked, trying to push his frustration away.

She nodded as he handed her the water. ‘I don’t want to go back inside.’

‘Good, because we’re not going to. We can go down the hill and chill out in the truck, until you’re feeling ready to head home.’

There were blankets and a couple of pillows in the back of the pick-up and while it was unlikely that anyone would still be up and about back in Colinas Verde, he didn’t want to take the chance.

Three hours later, Alex woke up, startled. He looked to his left and saw Selina lying next to him on the back of the pick-up truck. Of course. After leaving the party, he’d driven to a field on a side road just before the bridge that would take them from the mainland to Colinas Verde. She’d insisted that her stomach felt better but she hadn’t had a surge of energy, like he would have expected. Instead, she’d quietly laid down with her eyes closed and eventually, her constant humming had relaxed him enough to fall asleep. She was quiet now. Maybe she’d fallen asleep too.

Alex shifted a little, trying to bring some life into his numb back. The blankets were only thin, and the metal of the truck was cold. He tried not to disturb Selina but she snapped her eyes open. At least her pupils weren’t the size of saucers anymore.

‘How are you doing?’ he asked. ‘Did you fall asleep?’

‘No.’ She yawned. ‘I couldn’t. I was seeing so much stuff, I thought I was hallucinating.’

‘Yeah, that can happen.’

She smiled shyly at him. ‘Thanks for looking after me. I feel much better now.’

‘It’s fine,’ he replied, as if it were something he did every day. Which it was, until he’d left Berlin.

Alex looked up at the stars and watched the faint, blinking lights of an aeroplane cutting its way through the night sky.

‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’ Selina said. ‘So many stars.’

Alex nodded. ‘Yeah, there are.’

‘The world can be so beautiful, sometimes.’

He smiled. He knew it was probably just the remnants of the MDMA talking but he was inclined to agree. Back in his climbing days, he’d thought the same thing all the time. Being alone and so close to nature was the one thing that had always made him feel like he was in the right place. He remembered how overwhelmed he was at the magnificence of his surroundings when he’d finished the Sass D’la Crusc route in The Dolomites for the first time. He’d barely been able to stand afterwards but he’d looked at the expanse of green forest two thousand metres below and sucked in a deep breath, marvelling at how stunning it was. It had quickly become his favourite climbing route.

It was only now, after his accident and travelling through central and southern France, mainland Spain and now Ibiza, that he could once again appreciate the beauty of the world around him.

‘It really means a lot, you looking after me,’ Selina said, turning her head to look at him.

He smiled back. ‘Like I said, it’s fine.’

‘Talk about embarrassing. I feel okay now, though. It would have been much worse if you hadn’t been here.’

‘It shouldn’t have happened at all. But I’m glad you’re feeling better.’

‘You’ve done it before, haven’t you? MDMA, I mean. You seemed to know what you were talking about when I was freaking out.’

What was he supposed to say to that? He didn’t want to lie but he didn’t want to seem like an irresponsible, drug-taking raver either. He looked at her face and mentally cursed himself. He couldn’t lie to her, even if he tried.

He nodded. ‘Yes, I have.’

‘In Berlin?’

Alex nodded again.

‘Did you do it a lot?’

‘It’s kind of standard procedure there, something I did to escape reality.’

‘I’ve never done drugs before and none of my friends do them either.’ Selina let out a long sigh. ‘I miss them. My friends, I mean. I know it’s only been a few days, but I miss them so much.’

Alex smiled to himself again. He didn’t doubt the strength of her friendships but again, he was sure it was the drugs talking.

‘Erase/Rewind.’

He looked at her and frowned. ‘What?’

‘The song playing. It’s by
The Cardigans
.’

Alex listened to the music softly playing from the radio. It sounded poppy and melancholic, and not the kind of thing he’d usually listen to. ‘I don’t know it.’

‘Wouldn’t it be great if you could do that? Imagine if you could hit a button and rewind through the past, erasing everything you didn’t like.’

Alex looked up into the sky. ‘You have no idea how many times I’ve asked myself the same thing.’

‘About your accident?’ Selina turned on her side and propped herself up on her elbow.

He nodded. ‘I’ve wondered many times whether, if I was given the chance, I would go back and stay at home watching movies all weekend instead of pushing myself when I knew I wasn’t one hundred percent fit.’

‘And?’

‘And,’ he replied, turning on his side too, to face her. ‘I don’t know if I would. I was devastated and I miss climbing like hell but when I look at where I am now…’ He shrugged. ‘It’s like you said the other day. If none of that ever happened then I wouldn’t be here now. We can either take our experiences and try to improve the way our lives move forward, or use them as an excuse to stay stuck.’

‘I suppose,’ Selina grudgingly agreed and turned onto her back again. ‘I’m enjoying it, despite what’s happened tonight, but I’d still prefer not to have
had
to come here in the first place. I’d rather it’d been because I
wanted
to.’

‘Does it matter? You’re here now, whatever the reason.’

‘What’s the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to you?’ she eventually asked without looking at him.

‘I don’t know. I’ve been embarrassed before, plenty of times, but I don’t know if I’d call any of them humiliating.’

‘At the bonfire, you guessed that I’d left because of a break-up, and I told you that you were right. What I didn’t tell you was that it was the single most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me.’

Alex frowned. ‘You don’t have to either. Right now you’re feeling open because you’re high. You might regret telling me anything afterwards.’

‘It’s been hours. I don’t feel high anymore.’

‘You’re still high. Trust me,’ he replied. He found it hard to believe she’d be willing to say anything if her head wasn’t up in the clouds.

‘Seriously,’ she said looking at him. ‘You’d be able to find out in two seconds if you Googled me. It’s not even really a secret, not anymore.’

Alex looked into her eyes again. It was possible that the MDMA was wearing off by now. It had been, what, four or five hours? And there was no way of knowing the dosage she’d had. It could have been a tiny amount, but she would have still had a big reaction to it because she’d never done it before.

‘The reason I left England was because my ex posted pictures of me online.’ She looked at him and pulled a face, a face that told him that she was hurt and embarrassed, and trying to act as if she were neither. ‘
Those
kinds of photos.’

Alex’s jaw dropped as a surge of anger welled inside of him, along with an unexpected feeling of protectiveness. He’d received photos of girls before, but he’d never even considered sharing them like that. It was vindictive, downright nasty and an unforgivable violation of trust.

‘I sent him some when we first got together and he posted them on Instagram, Tumblr and Twitter after we broke up. And to make it worse, he put my phone number on them, too. At first, I couldn’t understand why I was getting so many prank calls, then my best friend was saw the photos and told me. By that time, they’d been seen eight thousand times, shared and retweeted.’

‘That’s…’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t really know what to say. He must be a complete dick. And that’s putting it lightly.’

‘He was, and our on/off relationship ended up costing me a lot. It seemed liked everyone I knew and came across had seen them, and now it’s going to court. Apparently the government are looking at changing the law to be able to give tougher sentencing for that kind of thing.
Revenge porn.
Unfortunately for me, I’m being looked at as a test case.’ She blew out a long breath. ‘I couldn’t deal with the press interest and seeing the look in my parents’ eyes all the time. So, what could I do?’

‘Buy a backpack and fly to Ibiza?’ he replied, and she nodded.

‘Exactly. I’d been stupid getting involved with someone like him in the first place. So, I made a promise to myself not to get involved with anyone after that, at least not for the foreseeable future. And here I am.’ She sighed before stretching her arms up to the sky. She wiggled her fingers for a few seconds, as if she were playing with water, before dropping them again and turning to look at him. ‘So yeah, if I could, I’d definitely go back and erase that from ever happening. But only if I could still end up here, in this place, with you, looking up at the stars like this.’

‘And you say you’re not high.’ Alex shook his head. Seconds ago, she’d just recalled the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to her, the reason she’d left England but now, she was dismissing it as if it hardly mattered.