Wanderlust (5 page)

Alex yawned and pushed down the plunger in the cafetière as he heard Selina come into the bungalow and make her way into the kitchen.

‘Morning.’ She smiled and took a glass from the draining board by the sink.

‘Morning.’

Why had she smiled at him like that? And did she really have to walk around in such tiny hot pants? He breathed in the vibrant smell of coffee as he poured it to distract him but it wasn’t easy, not when she had legs that went on for miles. An image of her lying in bed with those long legs stretched out flashed up in his head but he shoved it away.

‘Penny’s yoga class is great,’ she said, pouring herself a glass of orange juice. ‘It’s been ages since I’ve done it. I’d forgotten how good it is. She said you usually go too?’

Alex nodded, trying to work out why she was suddenly so friendly. ‘Sometimes, but I couldn’t get up early enough this morning. I was up reading until late.’

It was only half true. He
had
stayed up late reading, but he’d stayed up even later, thinking. The recovery from his climbing accident had been long and slow, and he’d been fuelled with rage, asking himself why it had happened to him. Why, after finding something that he loved, that he could do well, that challenged him like nothing ever had before, had it been taken away? Why hadn’t his injury been different? What was it about his bones and his body that meant he’d never be able to climb again?

His book was telling him that he, along with everything else in the world, was dying, every second of every day. It was telling him that everything and everyone should be treated with compassion but after his accident, compassion was something he’d had little time for. He’d gone from being ultra health conscious and focussed, to someone whose main driver was the pursuit of fun, taking it wherever and however he could get it. All he’d wanted to do was block out the pain but, in the end, he’d ended up inflicting it on other people.

He’d laid awake, thinking about Marie, the girl he’d left behind, feeling the heavy weight of shame. She’d been the reason he hadn’t been able to sleep. He’d seen her face until the sky had begun to brighten in the early hours of the morning. That was why he’d skipped yoga this morning. The last thing he’d wanted was to lie down for ten minutes at the end of the class with his mind confronting him with all the things he’d done wrong.

‘And how was it?’ Selina asked, sitting at the kitchen table.

‘How was what?’

‘Your book.’

He took a long sip of his coffee. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about what that book had made him think about. Why was she even interested? She’d clearly thought was too clever for him.

‘It’s not exactly a light read, is it?’ she pressed.

‘If I’m going to pick up a book, it has to be something worth my time. I’m not into stories about CIA agents or vampires.’

‘At least those kind of books are entertaining. One about living and dying?’ she grimaced and drained her glass of juice. ‘Sounds depressing to me.’

‘It’s more about how to live well than dying. It’s basic Buddhism. If more people read books like that, the world might be a nicer place.’

‘You’re a Buddhist?’ she raised her eyebrows.

He shook his head. ‘No, but the philosophy interests me. I don’t identify with any religion.’

‘Me neither.’ She grinned, and he couldn’t help but notice the way it lit up her face. ‘My parents are Christians but I’d never call myself one. Penny said that apples fall far from the tree sometimes. I’m beginning to think that maybe she’s right.’

‘Penny’s right about a lot of things. She’s a smart woman.’

His phone vibrated on the side and he picked it up. As soon as he looked at the screen, he wished he hadn’t. WhatsApp message notifications stacked up one by one on his screen and he clenched his jaws. He might not be back in Berlin but the world had a funny way of shoving the place back into his face, especially when he least wanted it to.

‘You have a phone?’ she asked, as if it were the least likely thing she could ever have imagined.

He looked down at it before looking back at Selina. ‘Of course I do. Don’t you?’

‘Yeah, but I thought you were a…’

‘A what?’

Selina shrugged and unless he was mistaken, he was sure he could detect the same look of embarrassment on her face that she’d had when she’d first seen his book.

‘A hippy, I guess.’

Alex laughed and put the phone back on the side. ‘Why? Because I walk around without shoes and I don’t have some trendy, hipster haircut?’ He shook his head as Selina visibly cringed behind her glass. ‘I suppose if I told you I had a Facebook account, you’d faint?’

‘Ha, ha.’ Selina replied, deadpan. ‘I just didn’t expect it, that’s all.’

‘I’m from Berlin, not Mars.’

‘You’re from Berlin? I’d been trying to figure out where your accent was from.’

He hadn’t thought she was interested, since she never asked.

‘My mum’s English and I’ve got friends from all over the place back home,’ he explained. ‘I don’t have a typical German accent.’

‘Cool.’

Alex sipped at his coffee while she sipped at her orange juice and for a few seconds, neither of them said anything. Had he missed something? Maybe he was a little out of sorts from lack of sleep, but had they actually just had a normal conversation without her giving him a single withering look? He looked at her as she drew small circles on her glass with her finger. Eventually, she broke the silence by scraping her chair back and got up from the table.

‘Right, well,’ she said. ‘I’d better get ready for work. What are you up to today?’

‘I need to put the paint we bought yesterday to good use.’

‘Good luck.’ She nodded and smiled.

As she left the kitchen, he found himself unable to keep his gaze away from the perfect curve of her hips and thought back to yesterday, when he’d watched her sitting out on Penny’s porch during the storm. He’d tried to concentrate on his book but gave in when he realised he’d re-read the same page almost a dozen times. He’d watched the way she smiled when Penny spoke to her and it was as if the girl who’d arrived with manicured nails, a face full of make up and unsuitable shoes was slowly becoming someone else. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen another side to a beautiful woman, but this time it was different. It was like she was becoming someone he wanted to get to know instead of running away from.

Alex looked at his phone and pictured Marie, sitting in her Berlin apartment, wondering why he still hadn’t replied after almost three months away. When they’d met at a mutual friend’s house party, he’d been fascinated with her. She’d walked into the room and it was like being showered with light. She was effervescent, friendly and beautiful, and if there was ever a life and soul of the party, she was it. Everyone wanted a piece, including him. Until he’d realised that none of it was real and by that time, it was too late. The real Marie was destructive, possessive and precariously emotional. It was only when they’d party and get high that she’d become the Marie who had captivated him like nobody else before.

How could he have told Marie that, when he’d realised what his life was descending into, he’d had to leave, and that meant leaving her too? How could he tell her that he couldn’t be with someone who had an insatiable appetite for self-destruction? He couldn’t, so he’d left her a note explaining he was going away instead. He’d known she’d needed help but she didn’t want it and he’d had to make a choice: stay and become someone he was beginning to hate, or leave and try and get back to the person he used to be.

After the first few messages she’d sent, calling him every name under the sun, he’d simply stopped reading them because he’d known that he deserved it. Being with Marie had been an invaluable life lesson and that was why he’d promised himself not to get involved with anyone, at least not until he was ready. He had to deal with getting used to his new life without getting distracted by someone else’s.

He wasn’t a bad person, was he? He’d been brought up well and he was a sensitive guy at heart but after his accident, he just hadn’t cared anymore. It could’ve been a lot worse, he knew that. He could’ve ended up disabled, or even dead, but losing the ability to climb completely had filled him with rage and the sharp feeling of inadequacy. It had lessened as soon as he’d gone through the security gate at the airport and he didn’t want to look back.

He frowned as he swilled some water around his empty cup before putting it in the dishwasher. He needed to banish these thoughts from his head and look forward to Croatia but, instead of being filled with the usual anticipation of arriving at a new destination and meeting up with old friends, all he felt was a gnawing sense of apprehension. Maybe Colinas Verde had grabbed more of a hold on him than he thought.

Alex stretched his arms over his head. He’d escaped dealing with his inner demons in Penny’s yoga class that morning, but it was hitting him with full force now and it didn’t help that his body was aching with the missed opportunity to stretch and realign itself. He’d go tomorrow.

He walked to his room, trying to psyche himself up for work. His elbow still ached and he had to paint the hut. It was going to be a long day.

Just as he opened the door to his bedroom, Selina emerged from hers, wrapped in a towel. She smiled at him again as she walked past him to the bathroom and, before he even realised what he was doing, he stopped and turned to look at her.

‘Hey. You any good with a paintbrush?’

It turned out she was great with a paintbrush, if a little slow. He’d covered almost twice as much as she had, but the last minute decision to ask Selina to help had turned out to the right thing to do. Philipe was in bed with a fever and he’d have been on his own otherwise. Alex looked at her as she crouched down, jabbing the paintbrush into the small grooves in the wood to make sure the coverage was even.

‘You’re very thorough,’ he said as she went back over a patch she’d only just covered.

She looked up at him before dipping her brush back into the pot. ‘Well, if I’m going to do something, I like to do it properly.’

‘And slowly, too.’ He grinned to show that he was just teasing her and even though she looked at the floor, he saw the grin on her face too.

‘I never promised I’d be quick.’

‘Thankfully, otherwise I’d be very disappointed,’ he replied, bending down to add more paint to his brush.

‘Yes, well.’ She looked at him. ‘We can’t all be perfect.’

She turned back to the wall and he fought to hide his smile. Had she just called him perfect? He was sure she had and, despite the blazing sun beaming down on them, it warmed him from the inside out.

He was enjoying working with Selina and although this situation - slipping into what seemed like the beginning of an easy friendship with a pretty girl - was nothing new, the way he was dealing with it was. Usually, he’d be looking for signs that things could go further but this time, it was different. He was determined to stick to his promise and not even allow himself to think about any girl as anything more than a friend. It wasn’t easy with Selina, not now that she was being so nice to him but still, he had no desire to even consider straying from his promise.

It was hard to change overnight, but this time, he was determined not to screw it up.

Selina put her empty plate on the ground and brushed away the crumbs from her legs. It had been a beautiful evening. The fire had been lit in the steel bowl in the centre of the clearing and around them, people sat huddled in conversation while someone strummed on a guitar. The small solar powered torches stuck into the ground glowed as they lit the way back to each of the bungalows and it felt like, for the first time, she’d been able to appreciate the place for what it was.

‘So, what’s the verdict?’ Alex asked.

‘Hm, not bad,’ she replied, uncrossing her legs and crossing them again.

‘Not bad? By the way you were smacking your lips together, I’d have said it was the best thing you’d ever eaten.’

She grinned and swatted his arm. ‘I did not.’

‘Did too.’

Selina shook her head and looked down at the ground. Since talking to Penny during the storm, she’d found herself thawing towards Alex. She was curious and her inexplicable hostility towards him was rapidly receding. Instead, she was noticing how funny and smart he was. She was enjoying his company, but this? Why had she swatted his arm like that? It was like she was ten years old again, chasing her crush around the playground and that was most definitely not good. She looked back up at him to see him smiling as he took a swig of his beer.

‘Okay,’ she conceded. ‘It was really good. For a veggie barbecue, anyway.’

‘Veggie barbecues are the best. Fresh salads, grilled cheese…’

‘Sausages, burgers…’

‘Burning flesh?’ Alex grimaced. ‘No thanks. You’re going to have to get that meat craving under control if you want to survive around here.’

Selina picked up her glass of orange juice from the ground. ‘I don’t know where you’ve got this idea of me being a massive meat addict from, considering I’ve been vegetarian for, ooh, I dunno. About three years.’

He held his bottle a few inches away from his lips. ‘Really?’

She nodded. ‘I used to have stomach problems and I found that I felt better after cutting meat out of my diet, so I became a vegetarian. I eat fish, though.’

‘But you were just moaning about the lack of sausages and burgers.’

‘What can I say, I miss it sometimes. Barbecues are my weakness.’

Alex grinned and shook his head. ‘So why didn’t you say anything when I cooked dinner on your first night?’

She shrugged. ‘You seemed to have already made up your mind about me, so I decided not to tell you anything at all.’

‘That’s fair enough, but since we’ve come onto that topic, so did you.’

Selina pulled a face.

‘Come on,’ he said, nudging her with his shoulder. ‘Admit it.’

She took a long sip of her drink. Admitting it would mean admitting to being judgemental, and even worse, that she’d been wrong.

‘You know what they say about first impressions,’ she replied, fully aware that she’d evaded answering properly.

‘Yes, I do, but if I stuck by my first impressions, I’d still think you were a condescending city girl who was out of her depth but still thought she was better than everyone else.’

Selina’s mouth dropped open. Condescending? She remained silent as Loki curled himself up next to her. Alex’s comments had stung, but she’d be damned if she let him knew that.

‘I still think you’re serious,’ he continued. ‘But since I like to give people more than one chance, I’d say my second impression is that you’re sharp, intelligent and you don’t give up easily. I didn’t think you’d last two hours here but you impressed me, especially after almost chopping your hand off just to save a few tomatoes. I like you.’

Why did that make a smile twitch at her lips? She kept her hand rooted in Loki’s fur but looked back at Alex.

‘And,’ he added, ‘I’d say you definitely don’t like to admit to being wrong.’

‘I don’t. But my first impressions of you were that you were an arrogant, know-it-all crusty hippy with more muscles than brains.’

‘Damn, that hurts.’ Alex laughed. ‘And now?’

She grinned. ‘I still think you’re a hippy, even if you do have a smartphone and Facebook. ‘

‘Do you still think I’m crusty?’

He was anything but. In fact, she found it hard to imagine why she’d ever thought so to begin with. He always smelled fresh and minty, and just looking at his skin made her want to reach out and stroke it. In the silvery light of a full moon, he looked almost angelic, sitting cross-legged on the ground next to her. Almost. His intense blue eyes seemed to probe every inch of her body, and there was nothing innocent or angelic about them.

She laughed and shook her head. ‘No, I don’t. And I like you, too.’

When they’d first met, she’d taken the way he’d looked at her as a sign of disdain, as if he were trying to figure out what the hell she was doing there, but now she was beginning to think differently. He’d said he liked her. Maybe that was why now, when she caught him looking at her, it was like being momentarily jolted out of reality to a place where there was no need for self-made promises to stay away from guys. He probably only meant that he liked her as a friend, but a little fantasising couldn’t do any harm, could it?

‘I still don’t get why you walk around barefoot all the time though,’ she said.

‘And I still don’t get why you have such a big problem with it. It’s really not that abnormal.’

Selina wrinkled her nose but kept the smile on her face. Clearly, the shoes vs. no shoes argument was one that neither one of them were willing to back down from.

‘I’m glad you don’t think I’m crusty anymore but the hippy bit…’ He shrugged. ‘Oh well. Like you said, we can’t all be perfect.’

‘You do know I wasn’t actually calling you perfect, don’t you?’

‘I do. As much as it hurts.’ He clutched his chest with his hands over his heart in mock pain before looking at her with an outstretched hand. ‘Truce?’

Selina grinned and shook it. ‘Truce.’

It was a huge relief. It took so much mental effort trying to get comfortable with her surroundings, as well as trying to impress Alex and show him she could cope with life in Colinas Verde.

‘So, what’s your story? I barely know anything about you,’ Alex said and she laughed. ‘You said you’re from London?’

She nodded. ‘I moved there for work, but I’m originally from Brighton.’

‘What did you do?’

‘Temping, mostly. I quit uni and decided to try my luck working instead.’

‘Ah, so you’re a drop out.’ He winked at her. ‘What did you study?’

‘Physiotherapy.’

‘Why’d you give it up?’

Selina shrugged. ‘I liked the idea of it but the more I studied, the more I realised I wanted to do something else. Maybe I have an irrational fear of working in a job I’d only come to hate years down the line.’

Alex nodded before lying down on the grass. ‘Nothing wrong with that. Nobody in their right mind wants to do something they don’t enjoy.’

‘The stupid thing is though, that’s exactly what I did. I temped because I thought it would give me more freedom than having a permanent job but I’d go to whichever assignment my agency secured and hate it.’

‘Is that why you left?’

‘Part of the reason, yeah.’

‘And the other part?’

She sighed and laid down next to him. How had their conversation twisted to talk about the past, especially when that past had the potential to shatter the happiness of the present?

‘Let me guess. Bad break-up?’

She swallowed and looked at the moon. As beautiful as it was, she couldn’t help wishing for a moonless, starlit sky instead. At least that way, she’d be able to hide from Alex’s all knowing gaze.

‘Something like that.’ She softly stroked Loki’s fur as he slept next to her.

‘What happened?’

‘It was mean and cruel, and that’s all I really want to say.’ She turned her head to look at him and he nodded.

‘Fair enough.’

‘What about you?’ she asked after a few seconds. ‘What’s your story?’

‘Well, we have something in common,’ he replied, turning to lie on his side and face her. ‘Like you, I dropped out of uni. I was supposed to become a dentist like my dad, but I decided I liked rock-climbing better.’

‘So you became a rock-climber instead?’ She raised an eyebrow and Alex nodded.

She didn’t even know rock-climbing could even
be
a job, but it was easier to imagine him doing that than performing root canals. At the very least, it explained his toned physique.

‘For four years. I was good enough to get sponsored and I loved it, but I broke my arm and had to stop. I was climbing in Italy a couple of years ago on a route I’d done plenty of times before. I knew it back to front.’ He shook his head. ‘There was maybe an inch of space on a ledge and it crumbled under my fingers. Maybe it was complacency, I don’t know, but I lost my grip, fell and smashed into the rock face.’

Selina winced. ‘Didn’t you use a rope?’

‘Yes, and it stopped me from falling to my death. It could have been a lot worse but it killed my career.’

‘And that’s why you’re travelling now?’

‘Kind of, yeah. The accident was nearly two years ago but things got a bit…complicated after that.’

He looked away and Selina frowned. Clearly, she wasn’t the only one with a story to hide.

‘Complicated how?’

Alex blew out a puff of air. ‘It just was. I was mean and cruel, and I’d rather not talk about it.’

‘Fair enough. Everyone’s running from something or towards something, right?’ she said, replaying Penny’s words. ‘It’s funny how life works out. I mean, whatever our reasons are for leaving, if they hadn’t happened then we wouldn’t be here now. Maybe running away from something isn’t all bad.’

‘That’s true.’

‘It can even be fun.’

‘Are you having fun here?’

She nodded. ‘It’s different to what I expected, but so far it’s okay.’

The last thing she wanted was to sound critical of Colinas Verde, but she missed the buzz of the city. It was Friday night, which would usually mean a night out with Natasha. At least, that’s what it would have meant before she’d found out about the photos.

They laid in silence for a while, listening to the crackling logs in the fire bowl. It was soothing and hypnotic and she realised that, for the first time, the feeling of humiliation after seeing the pictures on the screen of her mobile phone wasn’t so acute.

‘Hey, I’ve got an idea,’ Alex said as he sat up. ‘There’s a party tomorrow night on the mainland. I don’t expect big things from it, it’s just a house party, but it could be fun. It’s for a friend I met over Instagram. She visited Colinas Verde last year, that’s how I found out about this place. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem to bring you, too. So, what do you say to cementing our new-found friendship with a party?’

Selina smiled. Their newfound friendship. When he’d put it like that, there was no way she could turn him down.