Authors: Roberta Kagan
Chapter 84
The next time Anna saw Benny, he stood by the coffee pot, hovering very close to Alice in the break room. Alice leaned forward pressing against him blushing and giggling like a schoolgirl. Anna wanted to leave the room, and she would have if Bette had not come in right after her.
“Anna, are you taking lunch now?”
“Yes, I was.”
“Come sit with me.” Bette said then she glanced over and saw Benny and Alice. She gave Anna a look that told her she didn’t understand what was happening between Benny and Alice.
Anna shrugged, trying to appear as if she were indifferent to Alice and Benny, when in fact she felt terrible. Why the hell did he have to become interested in one of her friends? Couldn’t he just go away where she didn’t have to see him all the time?
“Can we join you?” Benny asked, stealing a side-glance at Anna.
“Sure,” Bette said.
Anna took the sandwich she’d brought from home out of the brown paper bag and laid it on a napkin. Then she put a single sugar in her black coffee.
Benny pulled the chair out for Alice and she sat down.
“How have you been, Benny? I haven’t seen you around in quite a while,” Bette asked.
“I’ve been doing just fine. Spent a few months out West, but I had to come back to New York for Christmas. I love the hustle and bustle of the city during the holiday season.”
“Yeah, there’s no place like New York during Christmas, with the store windows and all,” Bette said, nodding. “The big department stores really do it up right.”
Anna took a bite of her sandwich. Her throat was so dry she felt like she couldn’t swallow.
“How have you been, Bette, Anna?” Benny asked.
“Fine,” Bette said. “Not much news here.”
“Anna?”
“Fine.”
When Benny had stopped coming around, Anna had been adamant in telling both of her girlfriends that she and Benny had never been anything more than just friends. Bette and Alice accepted this, even if they found it hard to believe. Neither of the girls would have allowed themselves to be interested in Benny if they thought Anna were interested in him. But Anna made it clear that she would never break her marriage vows. Now, it seemed as if it all had backfired on her, and Alice and Benny were romantically attracted to each other.
“I’m having a Christmas party,” Bette said to Anna and Alice. “Both of you have to come. Of course, Benny is coming.”
Alice smiled at Benny and touched his chin with her thumb.
“When is it?” Alice asked.
“Next Friday night.”
“I’ll be there. What can I bring?”
“Yourself,” Bette said. “Can you come, Anna?”
Anna had fixed her eyes on the table. She didn’t want to meet Benny’s gaze. She was afraid he would see how she felt.
“I think Wera and I have some plans already,” Anna said.
“Bring her with you. It would be good for her to get out,” Bette said. Then she turned to Alice and Benny. “Wera is Anna’s neighbor. She never leaves the house.”
“I don’t know if she’ll want to, but I’ll ask her,” Anna said. “I have some shopping to do before I go back to work, so I’ll see you later.” Anna got up and threw the rest of her food in the trash. Then she rushed out of the break room.
Anna still had twenty minutes left of her lunch break. Perhaps she’d take a walk outside. The cold air would do her good. Anna grabbed her coat and scarf, and walked through the store and out the front door. Only a week and a half remained until Christmas. Crowds of shoppers made their way through the slushy streets, as the window decorations flickered and holiday music filled the air. Why did she feel so sad? Alice and Benny were both single, they should be dating. She had Alex, and for better or worse, she’d vowed to stand by him. Hadn’t she? There could be no doubt that he’d been a difficult husband, and many times she’d considered divorce, but she didn’t think he could bear the loss, and there was no telling what he might do to himself. He needed her, he leaned on her, and she had to be there. She’d promised she would be there. A tear rolled down Anna’s cheek. She’d married so young. She’d married a man she thought she could save, and now she found herself drowning, falling deeper and deeper into the bottomless sea of his depression. Why had he enlisted? Why? Finally, after all they’d been through, just struggling to have a place to live and food on the table, he’d finally gotten a decent job, one he enjoyed. Everything had begun to look brighter. They’d made friends with the people he worked with at the paper, and it seemed as if they might be settling into a comfortable middle-class existence. Then the bombing of Pearl Harbor had set Alex rolling into one of his states of deep despondency. When he descended into one of his dark periods, nothing she said or did could reach him. And sadly, these episodes always ended with a radical act of desperation on his part. When she’d first met him, she believed that she could be the candle that lit the darkness inside of him, and she’d strived to be, but it never worked. When he should have turned to her for support, he always turned away.
Anna pulled her coat closer to her body. She felt frozen inside. If only she could go home, and curl up in her bed and sleep. But she couldn’t. She was expected back at her counter, and so she headed back to the store.
All afternoon Anna felt miserable and tired. She wasn’t herself. At the end of the day, Bette and Alice asked her if she wanted to stop and have a cup of coffee, but she declined. Instead she took the subway home.
When Anna got home, she quietly unlocked her door. She wanted a few minutes alone before Wera came over. Anna laid her head back on the top of the sofa. Right now, she hated Alice.
Alice has always been loose. Easy would be a good word to describe her. In fact, as soon as Benny showed her the tiniest bit of interest, she fell at his feet. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already been to bed with him.
The more she thought about Alice, the more furious she became.
Well, if he’s willing to settle for trash like her, then I am glad that he’s out of my life, even if we were only friends.
Wera knocked on the door. “Anna, are you home?”
Anna sighed and got up from the sofa. She would have preferred to spend the night by herself. The way she was feeling, she knew she wouldn’t be good company. But she opened the door.
Wera tilted her head “Are you feeling all right? You look pale.”
“Yes, I’m just tired.”
“Come, I have a nice dinner ready. You’ll eat and then get some sleep.”
Anna nodded. “Let me change first. I’ve been wearing this dress and high heels all day.”
“I have an idea. Come over in your warm pajamas. It’s just across the hall and you’ll be much more comfortable.”
“I like that idea tonight, Wera.”
“I thought you would.”
Anna hardly spoke during dinner, as she pushed the food around her plate.
“It’s that man you’ve been seeing isn’t it?” Wera asked.
Anna shrugged. “We don’t see each other anymore.”
“You’re better off.”
Anna shrugged again.
“Anna, you like him, don’t you?”
Anna looked away.
“You can talk to me. Believe it or not, you can. I understand. I know how lonely it is to wait for your husband and not know where he is or if he is all right. It’s easy to become caught up with a man who is here in the flesh and gives you the attention you are craving.”
“I can’t get involved with Benny. I have to think of Alex.”
“Yes, that’s true. But something tells me you are already involved. What happened?”
‘I broke up our so-called friendship, because he was developing feelings for me. Now he is dating a girl I work with who I used to think was my friend.”
“Does she know how you feel?”
“No, I don’t even know how I feel. I feel so many things. I want to be with Benny, but I am sick with guilt over Alex. Oh, Wera, I am a mess.”
“I don’t think so. You’re just a woman. We are complicated creatures.”
“Have you ever had feelings for a man other than your husband?”
“Sure, I think every woman has an attraction now and then. It’s just deciding how far to let the attraction take you.”
“I like Benny. He’s a gentleman, and he has shown me so many new and exciting things. Besides all of that, he is strong, so strong and unafraid. I can tell him anything, and he understands. He is so different from Alex.”
“Oh, I think you are wrong there. I think Benny and Alex are both very much alike.”
“Do you? I can’t see how you think that.”
“Benny may be a little stronger. He might have his mind a little more settled. But both men are passionate and driven by something they believe in.”
“Yes, that’s true. I never realized it. But Alex is so much needier than Benny.”
“Exactly, Benny is the way Alex would have been if he’d never gone through what you told me he went through in Germany.”
“Perhaps you’re right, Wera.”
‘I think so.”
“So what do I do now?” Anna said.
“What do you want?”
“I want both. That’s terribly selfish, I know. But I do.”
Wera nodded her head. “If you let this thing with Benny go any further, you might fall in love with him.”
Anna shook her head and felt the tears sting the back of her eyes “If I am not already.”
“Would you divorce Alex?”
“I don’t know. I am so afraid of what would happen to Alex if I left him.”
Wera nodded. “So what will you do?”
Anna shrugged her shoulders and took Wera’s hand.
Chapter 85
Anna planned to forgo the party on Friday. She would have a quiet dinner with Wera and play a game of cards. But when she told Bette that she wasn’t coming, Bette insisted.
“Come on, Anna, don’t be so selfish. It would be good for your friend to get out of the house. The two of you burrowed into that building like two moles is not at all good for either one of you.”
“Bette, it’s cold and snowy, and we’d have to take the subway. I don’t think Wera would want to do all of that.”
“Why don’t you give her the option?”
“Bette…”
“Come on, it’s Christmas, and it won’t be the same without you.” Bette smiled.
“You win. I’ll be there. I don’t know about Wera. I’ll have to ask her.”
“Fair enough. I’ll see you tonight then?”
“Yes. Eight o’clock, right?”
“Yep,” Bette smiled.
Wera surprised Anna. She wanted to go to the party. Wera insisted upon baking cookies for the two of them to bring.
“I made my famous
kolachkes
. Taste one.”
“You didn’t have to go to all that trouble.” Anna took a bite. “Oh my, these are delicious.”
Wera winked. “Come on, get your coat. We’ll be late for the party.”
Chapter 86
When they got to Bette’s apartment, the women outnumbered the men at a ratio of three-to-one. This is war. Anna thought. The men all gone off to fight, the women alone and worried, but surviving. Still, even with Alex away and the constant concern about his welfare, she was glad that America had entered the war. Without the help of the Lady of Liberty, Hitler might just be unstoppable.
Wera got a glass of punch for herself and one for Anna. Although her old-fashioned dress looked out of place, Wera did not seem at all intimidated by the other more fashion-forward young women. When Benny walked in with Alice, Wera looked directly at him. Even though she’d never seen him before she knew he was the one that had turned Anna’s head. Incredibly handsome, well spoken and self-confident, Benny made his way around the room, saying hello to all of the employees who knew him from the union strike. Now that she saw him in the flesh, Wera could see what had attracted Anna. From what Anna, had told her of Alex, Wera still felt that Benny was a great deal like Alex. But Alex lacked Benny’s self-confidence and his immediate likeability, which brought him lots of friends. Benny cast a ray of sunshine as he made his way through the crowd toward Anna. Here he comes, Wera thought.
“Anna Banana, I just wanted to wish you a happy
Hanukah
and a happy New Year.”
“Thanks, Benny. The same to you.”
“Isn’t tonight the last night of
Hanukah
?”
“Yes, it’s the 22
nd
.” Anna noticed that Benny had a black eye.
“And the oil burned for eight days. Right? Isn’t that the premise? You know I’m not religious, but I actually have a little bit of knowledge of the Jewish holidays.”
“Yes, Benny, that’s the premise. There is more to it, but you have the basic idea.”
“Wanna tell me the rest of the story?” Benny smiled.
“Not now.” The words caught in her throat. “What happened to your eye?” Anna asked.
“Hey there, Benny! I’ve been looking all over the place for you. You go off to get a girl a cup of punch, and you don’t come back for a half-hour. I guess that’s what I have to cope with, dating Mr. Popular, the union rep.” Alice smiled. “Hi, Anna, this must be your friend Wera?”
Anna nodded. “Yes. Wera, this is Alice. Alice …Wera.”
“Nice to finally meet you. Anna says such nice things about you at work,” Alice said.
“A pleasure,” Wera said.
“Just look at our poor brave Benny. He was attacked by union-busters the other day,” Alice said, and she gently touched the bruise beneath Benny’s eye. “Without this fellow we would never have won our contract.” Alice said to Wera. “Isn’t that right, Anna?”
“Benny works very hard for the union,” Anna said.
“Well, nice to meet you, Wera. Good to see you, Anna,” Alice said, wrapping her arm into Benny’s. “Let’s go get something to eat. I’m famished.”
As they walked away, Benny quickly glanced back over his shoulder. Anna saw the longing in his eyes and turned away.
“You might as well accept it. You really like him,” Wera said.
“Yes, I know. But I am trying to fight it, and the harder I try, the stronger the feelings are.”
“It can be that way sometimes.”
“Hi, Anna. I’m so glad you came.” Bette gave Anna a warm hug. “This must be Wera?”
“Yes.”
“I’m so glad you could come to my party.”
Even as Bette was talking to Anna, she was stealing glances at Benny, who had his arm around Alice. Alice was laughing. Then Alice walked over to a table decoration and picked out a piece of mistletoe. She stretched to hold it above Benny’s head. Then she kissed him. Anna quickly turned away. But something forced her to look back and she saw that although Benny was kissing Alice, his eyes were open and he was staring at Anna.
“How are you holding up?” Wera asked Anna after Bette left to welcome another guest.
“I don’t know. It hurts to see him with her, but I have no right to him. I’m a married woman.”
“Sometimes our emotions don’t know right from wrong.”
“I know how he feels about me. I can see it in his eyes.”
“I wish I could give you some advice. I don’t have any. All I can say is that I am your friend and I will be here for you no matter what you do.”
“Oh, Wera, thank God for you. What would I ever do without you?”
“You’re a strong woman, Anna. You would manage.”
Throughout the night, Anna stole glances at Benny, only to find that he had stopped paying attention to her and was focused on Alice. Anna wanted to leave; she felt sick, but she didn’t want to ruin the party for Wera, who had made friends as people came up to compliment her on her cookies.
It seemed as if the night might never end, but as the clock ticked toward one o’clock, the party began to break up. Anna and Wera thanked Bette for having them, and then they both wrapped themselves in their winter clothes and began their walk to the subway. Anna had never taken the train this late at night. A bitter cold wind brushed across their faces as they walked the empty street.
“Got any spare change?” A bum in ragged clothes hardly enough to protect him from the cold asked.
“Come on, Anna.” Wera grabbed Anna’s arm. They tried to walk faster, but the sidewalk was slippery with ice.
“Can’t you find it in your cold heart to help a guy who’s down on his luck?” The bum came chasing after them.
Anna felt her heart pounding. She thought about the time she was robbed when she’d ended up in the hospital.
“Leave us alone,” Anna said, trying to sound firm and unafraid.
“Heartless bitch.” The bum was so close that Anna could smell the alcohol on his breath.
“Hey, what the hell is going on here?” Benny said as he came walking up with Alice.
“Nothing. We’re fine,” Anna said.
“Come on, leave the girls alone. You’re scaring them,” Benny said to the bum. He took a quarter out of his pocket and handed it to the man. “Now get outta here.”
“Thank you,” Anna said.
“He’s just a drunk, looking for money for liquor. Probably pretty harmless. Why don’t I take you ladies home in a taxi? It would ease my mind to know that you got home safely,” Benny said.
Anna looked at Wera. She saw the relief on her face and felt the same gush of relief. “That would be wonderful,” Anna said. “Thank you.”
Benny flagged a cab and opened the door. The three women piled in and Benny got into the front. He strategically gave the driver Alice’s address first.
“Benny, didn’t you want to come over tonight?” Alice said. “Why don’t we drop them off first?”
“I’m kinda tired, Alice. Maybe another time. Besides you live the closest. It would be easiest to drop you off first.”
Alice didn’t say another word, but the tension grew thicker ever minute as the cab made its way to Alice’s flat.
“Goodnight, “Anna and Wera said as Alice got out of the taxi. Benny got out and opened her door, then walked her up the walkway. Then he turned and got back into the cab. Anna saw Alice huff, then go inside as the cab eased away from the curb and back onto the street.
“Don’t wait for me,” Benny said to the driver as the three got out in front of Wera and Anna’s building.
“It’s not necessary for you to walk us inside,” Wera said. “We are fine from here.”
Anna’s heart was on fire. She was confused, angry, but fatally attracted to Benny.
“I insist,” he said. “It will ease my mind to know you are safe.”
Even with that black eye, he was handsome, rugged, and unafraid. Anna wanted to run away, and at the same time, she yearned to fall into his arms, to collapse and feel his kisses all over her.
What am I thinking?
Benny paid the driver and walked the two women up to the door of their building.
“Goodnight,” Anna said as she fumbled with the keys. “Thank you for taking us home.”
“Anna…” Benny’s deep voice cracked with emotion.
“Yes?”
“Please?”
She cocked her head.
“Can I speak to you alone for just a minute?”
“Oh yes, of course, “Wera said, and she turned to Anna. “I’ll go upstairs. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Anna nodded. She watched Wera disappear into the building.
“I know what you said. I know that you want me to go away, to leave you alone. And I tried. I really tried. Hell, I even went so far as to start seeing Alice, but Anna...I’m crazy about you. I think I might even be in love with you. I can’t think of anything else.”
She felt the same way, but she couldn’t tell him. She had to think of Alex.
His eyes were so naked, that she knew he had told her the truth.
“Please, Anna. Don’t send me away again. I know that you feel the same way about me…”
“I don’t. I love my husband.”
Anna turned to open the door. Benny stopped her. He turned her around to look at him. His desire for her was like a magnet, pulling at her body and her heart. He took her into his arms. She struggled but only for a second. Anna felt wonderfully weak in his arms. Here was a man she could lean on. The warm strength of his touch, filled with yearning and she grew limp in his arms. It felt like dream, a fantasy, as he leaned down and their lips met for the first time.
Chapter
Three Christmases and three summers passed as the war continued to escalate and the death toll continued to rise.
The friendship between Alex and Nelly grew stronger, and because of Nelly, Alex found some acceptance from the other men in his platoon. There were still those who called him the dirty Jew, but there were others who had begun to look past his ethnic background and befriended him as a fellow soldier.
Sometimes Alex would lie in bed at night and find it hard to remember Anna’s face. He would picture her, but as time went by the picture began to fade. He still wrote, but less frequently. And she still answered, but less frequently.
As Alex and Nelly came to know each other better, he learned more about her son. The boy was born with a clubfoot, which caused him to walk with a severe limp. With just Nelly and her mother to support the child, there had been limited funds for medical treatment. Nelly had never told anyone except Alex how guilty this made her feel.
“Perhaps a really good doctor could have done something to make it easier for him to walk. The other children laugh at him and it just breaks my heart,” Nelly told Alex.
“I don’t know if anything would help. But then again, who knows what a good doctor could do? What I do believe is that you’ve tried to do everything in your power to give the boy a good life; haven’t you?”
“Yes, I’ve tried.”
“Well then, you’ve done your best. Just give the boy your love, Nelly. That’s the finest gift anyone can ever receive.”
At Nelly’s request, Alex wrote children’s stories for her son, which she tucked inside the care packages that she packed for him. Her mother read the stories aloud to the boy at night, and wrote to tell Nelly how much the child enjoyed them.
“You’re a talented writer,” Nelly told Alex.
“I don’t know. I’ve often wondered if I really have talent or if I just think I do. I suppose for me, writing is my voice. Do you know what I mean?”
“Not exactly.”
“I’ve always had difficulty relating to other people. I’ve always felt like an outsider, except with you and Anna. You two are the only people I’ve ever been able to truly be myself with.”
“I’m glad that I can be here for you.”
“I’m glad too.” Alex smiled at her. It was getting dark. Nelly usually left the men’s barracks earlier, but on this night, she’d stayed late.
“Will you walk me home?”
“Of course,” Alex smiled at her. “I’d be happy to.”
It was a cold night in late January of 1944. Nelly had forgotten her gloves. As they walked, she tucked her hand into Alex’s pocket and folded her fingers into his waiting hand. As soon as he felt her presence, a shot of electrical energy ran through him.
“Do you think I’m pretty?” Nelly asked.
“Beautiful,” Alex answered. “Why would you ask such a question?”
“I’ve always wanted to know. I’ve always been afraid that I wasn’t attractive enough, and that’s why my son’s father ran away from me.”
“My guess is he was probably afraid of taking on the responsibilities of a family. It can be scary for a man. You must realize that the man is the one who must earn enough money to take care of his wife and children. It’s a big responsibility.”
“But you married Anna. Would you have married her if she were pregnant?”
“Yes, I would have.”
“I wish I had a man who loved me, really loved me, a man like you,” Nelly said and she squeezed his hand.
“Look, there’s a shooting star…” Alex said.
“I see; it’s beautiful. Make a wish.”
They had arrived at her room.
“Goodnight,” she said, squeezing his hand but not letting it go.