Authors: Roberta Kagan
Chapter 120
The next three days were like a honeymoon. Viktor insisted on showing Elke around Luxemburg, a city filled with old world charm. They walked through the ruins of a twelfth-century castle. Holding hands, they explored an old fort. Every night they made love, holding tight to each other until morning. Both of them knew that soon they would be separated, and neither could speculate for how long. In the mornings they took long walks, stopping for breakfast at small cafes. They tried to keep their meals fairly inexpensive, but still they dined on smoked pork shoulder with fried potato patties, or pan-fried trout with dishes of steaming
sauerkraut
. On the last night before he sailed out, Viktor insisted that they splurge and enjoy a French-inspired dinner of veal with cream and mushrooms topped off with a delicious Riesling wine. They sat in a dimly-lit restaurant with white tablecloths and white-gloved waiters as a harpist played softly in the background.
“I’ll always remember this night,” Viktor said.
“Why this night?”
“Because everything is so perfect.”
She smiled at him. The flame from the candle on the table illuminated his eyes; they looked so sincere, so filled with love. And that reminded her that keeping things from him made her untrustworthy. If only she could tell him, come clean. He took her hand and brought it to his lips. Not yet, it would spoil the evening. And besides, the words would not come. When the time was right...then... Perhaps after he returned safely and everything fell into place. Yes, there would be time to tell him then.
When dawn broke, Viktor knew he must return to the ship. Elke sat up in bed watching him dress. He glanced over at her. She’d forgotten to pull the sheets over herself and her naked breasts were exposed, her golden hair falling in curls over her shoulders.
“Have I told you how beautiful you are?” he said.
She smiled.
“Right now, as I am looking at you, I am amazed that any person can be so stunning. Please forgive me if I stare, but I am taking a picture in my mind. I’ll carry this picture of you, just the way you are right now with me all the way to Germany, and then until you are safely back in my arms.”
“I look a mess,” she turned away from him, blushing
He just shook his head. “I love you. God, how I love you.”
She stood up and walked over to him, kissing him and then holding him tightly, inhaling the clean fragrance of his newly-shampooed hair. Outside a light rain fell from an overcast gray sky. Elke quickly slipped on a dress and shoes; then she walked Viktor down the stairs and to the train station. A flock of pigeons flapped their wings as they flew overhead.
“I am so afraid for you,” she said, a lump forming in her throat. Elke suddenly felt desperate, terrified. “Why can’t you just stay here with me and forget all about the papers? We don’t need them.” She pulled on the collar of his uniform.
“Then we can never go to Germany. I will never see my brother or my parents again.”
“They could visit us here. This is so terribly risky, Viktor. What if you are caught? You will be punished... My God, Viktor...punished by the Nazis…” She felt a shiver run like a sharp fingernail down her spine.
“My parents are too old to travel. I will be all right. I will be back soon. You must trust me. Don’t forget everything I told you to do.”
“Viktor…” Elke squeezed the sleeve of his raincoat, “I love you.”
“I know, and I love you. And with God’s help we will be together again soon.”
The train rolled into the station with a horn blaring to announce its arrival.
Viktor turned to Elke and she grabbed him hard and fast, holding him close, “Be safe...” she said.
He kissed her, then turned and boarded the train. Elke watched and waved until Viktor was completely out of sight. Then she returned to the loneliness of her hotel room and sat looking out the window at the street. She was glad to be starting work the following day. It would take her mind off the waiting and wondering. She took off her shoes and went to the bed. Laying her head on the pillow he’d slept on, she turned and clutched it to her face inhaling deeply, then began to cry. Had it been better when she’d had no feelings at all? Hard to say, because when Viktor with beside her the world seemed to glow in a golden light only she could see. And somehow that light made any sacrifice she might be forced to make worthwhile. Elke tried to nap; she drifted in and out of sleep. Because she’d been on the
St. Louis
and knew her way around it so well, she could picture Viktor on the deck or in the radio room. She longed to be there with him, but she knew she was lucky, lucky to have found a country willing to open its doors to Jews.
By five o’clock that night Elke needed to find something to eat. They’d finished the bread Viktor bought the previous night. As she forced herself to get up and go down the hall to wash the tears off her face. Then she went to see if Lara would like to join her for a light dinner somewhere.
Lara sat at the front desk. She greeted Elke as soon as she saw her.
“My husband left today,” Elke said. “I thought maybe you would like to join me for a quick meal?”
“I would love to, but I can’t; I have a date tonight. Perhaps later in the week?”
“Yes, anytime. I am by myself, just waiting for my husband’s return, and I would love to have the company.”
“Of course. Then let’s plan to have dinner later this week.”
“I look forward to it.”
Viktor had given Elke as much money as he could afford, still keeping enough to pay for the papers, and she had a little cash of her own that she’d brought with her to begin her life in Cuba. How different things had turned out than she’s thought they would when she boarded the
St. Louis
. Then she’d been looking for money and security; love had never even entered her mind. Strange, love… If anyone had asked her, she’d have told them that love was nothing but a prison for fools. Well, she couldn’t say that she regretted the way that things had turned out. As long as Viktor returned safely, everything would be fine. And she was glad that she had not told him her secret. The shocking news might well have made him nervous and careless, two things he could not afford to be right now.
Chapter 121
Elke started working that Monday morning. Going from room to room, changing beds, sweeping floors, dusting wood furniture until it shined, and cleaning the bathrooms at the end of the halls… The work exhausted her, especially since she’d spent an entire month on the ship, not doing anything at all.
During the day she moved at such a fast pace that she hardly had a moment to think, but at night when she lay in the bed she’d shared with Viktor, her mind would not allow her to rest. She still had not changed the sheets, because she didn’t want to lose touch with him. The fresh scent of his hair on the pillow, the fragrance of his cologne on the sheets, was all she had left of him now.
It was over two weeks before Lara had time to share a meal with Elke. They met at a bakery that served food just a few blocks from the hotel. Elke was so glad to have someone to talk to. Lara went on and on about the men she was seeing, about her new hairstyle, and a dress she was saving money to buy. She talked so much that Elke hardly said a word. Elke didn’t mind listening. Although the girls were very close in age, Elke felt many years older, and for her Lara’s untroubled life served as a much-needed distraction from her own worries.
When they parted, Elke and Lara decided they would try to meet once a week for dinner. That meeting became the highlight of Elke’s otherwise lonely and worried days.
Chapter 122
It had been almost a month since Elke had last seen Viktor. Every possible scenario raced through her mind. It became difficult to sleep. She would drift off for an hour only to awaken with terrible images of Viktor being caught by the Nazis and arrested. For the rest of the night she would lay in bed watching the clock on the wall, unable to rest. And then, exhausted, she would drag herself out of bed in the morning and go to work.
Every week she would open her pay envelope and hide the contents in the drawer beneath her bras and panties.
Elke decided to save money and stop eating out, with the exception of the evenings that she met Lara. At the bakery she purchased a loaf of bread and from a vendor she bought some apples, she would live on these for now.
Lara reminded Elke of a brightly-colored butterfly; she flitted from subject to subject, and from boyfriend to boyfriend. Her frivolity amused Elke, who even during her very young years had not enjoyed a life of lighthearted pleasures. Elke longed to open up to Lara. It would help to have someone to share her fears about Viktor’s return, her concerns about her pregnancy, and even her thoughts about her mother back in Germany. Often Lara and Elke would sit across the table eating a light meal of salads and fried potatoes, Lara giggling about a new dress, while Elke bit her lip as a reminder that she must not share her personal information with anyone. She’d promised Viktor.
One night after Elke finished dinner with Lara, on her way home she saw a card shop. A single bulb flickered in the window where she saw lovely cards and stationery, but what drew her attention was a thick leather-bound book. On the cover in gold letters it said, “Journal.” She went inside and picked up the book. It was encased in rich burgundy leather. She ran her hand over the cover.
This would be good for me; I could release my feelings by writing about them. It would do me good to rehash it all: my childhood, my mother, Viktor, and everything that has happened since I left Germany on the
St. Louis.
She splurged and bought the book, and a lovely fountain pen and ink as well. It was exciting to have a project, something to do, to keep her busy on the long, lonely nights ahead.
As another week passed, Elke began to believe that Viktor had returned home and decided to stay in Germany. After all, his family and all of his friends lived there. If he came to live in Belgium, she would be all he had. She couldn’t blame him if he had decided after being away from her that what they had was just not enough in exchange for what he would be sacrificing.
When Elke had left for Cuba, she thought that starting a new life on her own would be easy. And perhaps it would have been, then. But that was before she fell in love. Now, life without Viktor seemed impossible. Except for Lara, she had no friends or family in Belgium. And with each day that passed that Viktor did not return, instead of things becoming easier, she missed him even more.
Chapter 123
Elke’s secret began to stir and grow inside of her. She was pregnant. But that wasn’t the entire problem. Elke tried several times to accurately calculate the dates in order to make a solid determination; however, she was not sure if the baby belonged to Viktor or Manny. And this was why she had not told Viktor before he left. She agonized over this. How could she expect Viktor to raise a child that might have been fathered by another man? But then again, the baby could very well belong to Viktor. She had no idea what to do.
Chapter 124
Elke awoke early one morning feeling slight cramps. When she went to the bathroom she saw a spot of blood on her underwear. She needed a doctor or a midwife to help her or she would surely lose the baby. Over the past several weeks, she had become attached to the tiny soul that grew inside her womb. Being alone much of the time, once the infant had begun to move, it became very real to her. She talked to the baby and found that although she could not hold it or see it, she no longer felt lonely. The longer her pregnancy went on, the more she convinced herself that Viktor had fathered the child, and she wanted that child, wanted it with all her heart.
Elke pulled a small pile of money out of her drawer. Working and not spending, she had acquired a small savings, certainly enough to pay for medical help. But how would she ever find a doctor? She didn’t know anyone except Lara in Belgium, and Lara did not know about her condition. Well, perhaps she would ask her anyway, but not mention the pregnancy. She wanted to wait for Viktor, wanted him to be the first to know.
Elke went downstairs to find Lara at the front desk; she told Lara that she’d been feeling very tired lately and need to see a doctor. Lara recommended her family physician. Although she seemed concerned, Lara didn’t press her for details. Work took a toll on her that day; she completed her tasks, but the quality suffered. As soon as she finished her shift, she walked four blocks and turned the corner as Lara had instructed to find the office of Dr. Moens. His receptionist, a young girl with wavy auburn hair and warm honey-colored eyes said he was busy, but if she had an emergency, Elke could wait and she would get her into the office as soon as possible. Elke waited for over an hour until the doctor had an opening in his schedule. He examined her and recommended bed rest, insisting that she must quit her job immediately.
“The work that you do is too strenuous for you right now, in your condition. If you want this baby, you cannot continue this way.”
Elke nodded. What would she do for money?
“Now if the bleeding gets worse you must call me right away. Do you understand?” he said, his face kind but stern.
“Yes, I understand.”
Then he also told her that she must make plans with either him or a midwife to assist with the birth. Again she nodded.
The appointment cost her more money than she expected. If her bleeding increased, forcing her to see the doctor again, and then had to pay for delivering the baby too, it would wipe out everything she had.
What if Viktor never returned? What then? She must not deplete her savings.
She left the building and began walking.
Vomit rose in her throat and she turned into an alleyway just in time to spew the contents of hers stomach on the pavement. Elke leaned her head against the side of a building. The bricks felt cool on her cheek. She was even more lightheaded and nauseated than she’d been before she’d seen the doctor. As she caressed her cramping belly, blood trickled down her leg. She forced herself to begin walking again. Only four more blocks and she would be back at the hotel, then she could lie down. Perhaps the pain would subside.