Authors: Roberta Kagan
Chapter 90
Anna lay in Benny’s arms. Since she’d become pregnant, Anna had begun to prefer spending quiet weekends with Benny at her apartment. She found dancing and running all over the city too taxing. He smoothed her hair. Soon she would be showing, and forced to leave work. Then they agreed that she would move into Benny’s apartment. He would pay all of the bills and she would stay at home and raise their child. Every penny that Alex had sent her, Anna had saved an envelope in her drawer. She would continue to save it and then give it to him when he returned. She didn’t deserve that money. She was his wife, but she had sinned; she had given herself, heart and body, to another man. Benny and Anna had decided that Anna would ask Alex for a divorce, but not by mail, not until he returned safely home.
Even with Benny’s love and constant support, Anna had misgivings. She owed Alex. She’d married him, and she loved him.
But she loved Benny too, loved him in a way she’d never been able to love Alex. Benny made the decisions. He took charge. He took care of Anna’s every need, anticipated it before she knew it herself. But the biggest difference was a private one, one that Anna could not ever tell Benny or anyone else. It was sexual. With Alex, making love had been tender, gentle, warm, and loving. But Benny was different; his passionate, driven personality flowed over into an overpowering sexual whirlwind. His desire for her swept her up until she lost all touch with conscious thought. He was demanding as a lover, insatiable, taking her body to heights she’d never even known she could experience, and for the first time, with Benny, Anna had an orgasm. It was like heroin; once she tasted the sweetness she couldn’t help but yearn for more.
At night, every time Benny left and Anna was alone, the guilt always came seeping back.
Alex… God only knows where he is, if he is even alive. I am a horrible person. All I can think of is myself, while Alex is out there somewhere, perhaps suffering.
She cried herself to sleep, often wishing she’d never met Benny, and cherishing every minute she spent with him.
“You’ll probably miss the company picnic this year,” Benny said, breaking Anna out of her personal thoughts
“Yes, I know I’ll be almost into my second trimester by then. And goodness knows I’ll have trouble hiding my belly.” She patted her stomach. “Just look at how big I am already. When I look in the mirror I feel sick. I am so fat! None of my clothes fit.”
“You are and have always been beautiful. Pregnancy only makes you more beautiful to me.”
“And fat.”
“Nope, just beautiful. Glowing, happy, and beautiful.”
Benny leaned down kissing the top of Anna’s head. “Would you like me to pick some food up for dinner?” he asked. It was a Friday afternoon, and Anna had gotten off early from work.
“Sure, what would you like?”
“Oh I don’t know, you’re the one with cravings. Anything you want is fine by me.”
“How about some potato
latkes
from the deli around the corner?”
“Your wish is my command, my princess.” he said. “I’d better hurry though; they’ll close by sundown for the Sabbath. I’ll take a walk over there now and pick them up. Would you like some corned beef and a rye bread to go with it?”
“Hmm. maybe roast beef for me. Corned beef is too spicy. Spice bothers me since I’ve been expecting.” She smiled and he kissed her. “Why don’t you order a little of both, corned beef for you, roast beef for me?”
“Sounds good. I’ll be right back.” He stood up, then leaned over her and kissed her again.
“Mmmm, your kisses could keep me here.”
“But then you would be too late to get anything from the deli.”
“Yep, but we have all night…”
She smiled at him and shook her head. “Benjamin Berman, you are incorrigible.”
“That’s what they say...” He winked at her and smiled.
Damn, she thought. He looks so much like Clarke Gable.
All of the windows were open in the entire apartment, but there was hardly a breeze. Benny bought Anna a fan, and it helped a little, but she still felt sweaty. Her hair, normally like silk, was frizzing around her rounded face. She hated the way pregnancy made her look, but the reward at the end would make it all worthwhile. Anna would be a mother; she would have a child of her own, Benny’s child. A sad smile came slowly over her face as she remembered her own mother. God how she missed her parents. It had been years since she’d heard from them. She prayed that they’d gone into hiding and would contact her after the war. The alternative was unbearable. How could she be so happy and so miserable at the same time? She wanted the baby, but she didn’t. Alex would be so hurt. She could see the look on his face, and it made her feel sick to her stomach.
The downstairs bell rang on the wall of her apartment. Who could that be? Maybe Benny had forgotten his key, and wanted her to buzz him in, or it could be that they had the wrong apartment number. That happened quite often. She went to the intercom and pressed the button that allowed her to speak and listen.
“Who is it?” Anna asked.
“Telegram for Mrs. Mittleman. Are you Mrs. Mittleman?”
“Yes…” Anna’s heart thundered in her ears.
“May I come upstairs and give you the telegram?”
Chapter 91
The cobblestone streets were crowded with automobiles as Benny navigated through the groups of people congregating on the sidewalk. Of all the places he’d traveled, Benny loved New York the most, the familiar old ethnic neighborhoods, the exotic foods that the immigrants from everywhere brought to the New World, but most of all the people.
He rounded the corner and entered, Appleman’s Deli. As always, a small crowd waited in line to place their orders, with only one man serving behind the counter. Benny went to the end of the line.
“Aren’t you that fellow who’s with the union?” the man who stood behind him asked. He was a heavyset man, with thick skin and jowls that looked like two weights on the sides of his face.
“Yep, that’s me.”
“You’re one of them Jew troublemakers, right? I should have known I’d see one of you assholes if I came here to the Jewish deli. But my wife likes this food. I sure as hell don’t know why. Oh boy, do I know all about you and your damn unions.”
“It depends on what you mean by a troublemaker,” Benny said. He wasn’t in the mood for a union-buster today. It would be nice to just go back to the apartment and enjoy a quiet dinner with Anna.
“You know what I mean, stirring up them workers causing problems, getting folks fired.”
“Well, you see there are a lot of labor laws that need to be changed. If we don’t start to organize, and join together, the company owners take terrible advantage of the workers. They make plenty of money, but hardly pay their employees a living wage and people out there are working long hours for very little money. Many of them work ten to twelve hour days without even a break to eat. Do you think that’s fair?” Benny felt himself becoming angry.
“I think that folks are lucky to have jobs. And you want to mess that up. Shit, do you have any idea what it’s like to stand in a fucking bread line? My son listened to one of you SOBs and you know what happened? He was fired, and then his wife left him, so he jumped off the bridge, my one son, my only boy. He left me with three kids to support. ”
“I’m sorry that happened. I can imagine how you feel, and my heart goes out to you. But, with all due respect, sir, I can’t help but try to make the scales to be a little more balanced. If the labor force has no rights, then the owners can take advantage, especially in a depressed economy.”
“My only son…”
“Next,” the owner of the deli wearing a white apron called out.
“I’m next,” Benny said.
“No, you ain’t. I was here before you,”tThe man Benny had been talking to was itching for a fight.
“Go ahead. I can wait a few minutes.”
“I want a pound of pastrami and pumpernickel bread.”
The deli man packed up the order. “Here you go, sir.”
The man with the jowls nodded, taking the bag and handing the owner a few dollars. Then he turned back to Benny and said, “You better watch your back. My boy lost his job because of one of them damn unions some good-for-nothing talked him into joining. Coulda been you.”
Benny didn’t answer, although he wanted to. His blood boiled. He wanted to hit the old guy right in the face, but it wasn’t worth the aggravation.
“Sir, can I help you?” The deli clerk addressed Benny.
“Yeah, thanks. I need a half pound of roast beef and a half pound of corned beef, four potato pancakes, and a rye bread.”
“Right away, sir.”
Benny watched the other man leave the deli in his dirty tee shirt, with his oversized belly hanging over the belt of his pants. Bastard, he thought.
After he paid, Benny took his package and left. Put that guy outta your mind, he’s not worth getting upset over, Benny thought, but he was still shaking as he walked back toward the apartment.
Benny passed an alleyway between two tall buildings. Before he realized what was happening he felt a hand covering his mouth pulling him into the alleyway. Although Benny could take care of himself in a fight, this assault caught him off guard. He lost his footing and slipped as he felt the sting of the blade of a knife tear across his throat. Blood poured like a river from his neck. The bag the deli manager had carefully packed in white paper dropped from his hand. At first, he couldn’t believe what happened. But he felt the gush of wind come into his body from the open wound as he fell to the ground, his blood a crimson blanket on the concrete. I’m dying, he thought. It had happened so suddenly. He’d just been on his way to Anna’s for a night of cuddling. If he continued to bleed this heavily, he would be dead in a few minutes.
What about Anna? The baby? Our future? How did this happen?
Benny’s eyes closed for the last time as the man who’d murdered him picked up Benny’s bag of food from where it had fallen, wiped the blood on to his tee shirt and straightened the contents, then shoved it under his arm and left. His wife sure would be happy that he brought home all that Jew food.
Chapter 92
Anna almost forgot to tip the delivery boy. Her hands trembled, as she found a quarter and pushed it into his right hand, taking the envelope and closing the door. She wished Benny had returned already, and then he would be here with her when she opened the telegram. But he had not yet returned and she couldn’t bear to wait.
She tore open the envelope. For several minutes, she could not understand the words. She read them repeatedly. Alex had gone into combat. He was missing in action somewhere in France. The army did not know if he was dead or alive. Anna’s hand covered her mouth. Alex, my God… Alex, all alone somewhere in France. He could be in agony. The Nazis might have him. Oh dear God, he needs me, and I’m not with him. Her heart cried out as she said his name over and over again. “Alex…Alex...”
Anna had to find Benny; she couldn’t cope with this alone. Benny was her oak tree. He would know what to do. He’d been gone a long time, far longer than it took to buy some food at the deli around the corner. Anna slipped on her shoes, and with the letter still in her hand, she ran down the stairs to the main floor of the building.
Maybe someone stopped him to talk about building a union, and he got sidetracked.
That happened to the two of them all the time, so Anna had come to expect it.
As soon as she got outside, Anna heard the blaring of ambulances and saw the flashing lights of police cars. Something had happened up the street. Perhaps Benny was in the crowd of people who’d gathered on the sidewalk.
“What happened?” Anna asked a woman with an infant in her arms as she approached the scene.
“That union fella got killed in the alley over there. A fella and his little boy found his body. Somebody slit his throat.”
“What union fella?” Anna asked, but she already knew. Her face turned white, she began to hyperventilate.
How was this possible? Could it really be Benny?
She ran up to the front, pushing her way through the crowd.
“Who is it?” She asked a police officer who was loading the covered body into the ambulance.
“That union fella, his identification said his name is Benjamin Berman. Do you know him? Can you come with us to identify the body?”
Anna didn’t answer… She walked away, deaf to the roaring crowds and blazing horns of the ambulance.
“Benny is gone, gone forever. Oh God…” Her voice came as a whisper.
Anna broke the heel of her shoe as she ran back to her apartment. Once she got inside she slammed the door, breathing heavily from the shock and exertion. She heard Wera next door, but she needed to be alone. Anna remembered that Alex had left a bottle of whiskey under the sink. She could count number of the times she’d had alcohol on one hand. She poured herself a shot. As always, the taste assaulted her senses; then it burned as it slid down her throat. But she didn’t stop; she poured another and drank it quickly, then another. The bitter taste of whiskey lingered on her lips. In the past, when she’d taken a shot, she felt numb, easy, tired. But this time she felt as if she’d been struck with madness. Suddenly Anna was filled with anger, anger at Alex, at Benny, anger at her life and her wasted youth, rage at Hitler, but most of all anger toward herself. She wanted to die. Alex was missing, and Benny was dead. Her mind was crazed. She could not believe all that had happened in just a few hours. She could see no point in trying to go on, no point in bringing a child into a world as cruel as this one. It would be better if she had never been born. Anna’s hand trembled as she took the knitting needle out of her bag of yarn. Then she ripped off her underpants and lay down on her bed. “God forgive me, I can’t take anymore. I can’t bring this child into this hell, and care for it by myself. I can’t do it. I give up. I’m tired, and I’m finished,” she whispered, tears running down her cheeks. Anna shoved the needle inside of her. A pain the likes of which she had never felt before shot through her like a lightning bolt. She would abort this child, it would never have to endure the hell she had lived through, and hopefully she would die in the process. Sharp pains shot through her belly, familiar pains, but stronger than she’d ever felt them. Anna held her abdomen as an ocean of blood poured out of her. She rolled onto her side in a fetal position.
Then, because of the intense pain and the extreme loss of blood, Anna lost consciousness.
Anna awoke to bright overhead lights that stung her eyes. Her head felt as if a band of drummers pounded inside of her brain. Could she be dreaming? It looked like the hospital but her mind was fuzzy. What had happened? How had she come to be here? A nurse gently held her hand as she told Anna that she’d lost a lot of blood, and that she had miscarried. Anna turned away, her saliva tasted bitter in her mouth as her memory returned.
“And Benny? The union man who was attacked in the alley? Did, you hear about it? Was he brought here? Did he make it?” She hoped against all odds that somehow some way…
“I’m sorry. He didn’t. Did you know him?”
Anna nodded and turned her face to the wall.
The baby…gone… Well, she’d caused that…killed it in a fit of madness... Benny…her rock, her oak tree…her friend and her lover…gone... Alex…dear sweet Alex, where was he? He might be dead; could he be swept from her life too?
An ocean of tears would not be enough to express the sadness and grief she felt. But she could not cry; her heart ached too much to weep. Now Anna was truly alone, and even if she wanted to, she could not return to Germany to her family. She didn’t want to speculate what the Nazis might have done to her parents. It had been a long time since she’d heard from them. Anna had seen too much pain in her young life, and now everything had fallen apart, everything had failed. Maybe God was angry with her for betraying Alex, and so he’d punished her by taking Benny. And maybe her suicide attempt had failed because God wanted her to live so that she would suffer for what she had done. Well I deserve to suffer. I had an affair while my husband fought and perhaps died on foreign soil, and I killed my unborn child. I don’t deserve any sympathy. I deserve to spend the rest of my life in agony.
“Anna...” Wera stood in the hallway and peeked her head around the corner into the room. “Are you all right? My God you gave me a scare. I went over to your apartment to borrow some milk and it’s a damn good thing I did. I found you. What were you thinking Anna?”
“You found me? You’re the one who called the hospital.”
“Yes, I thought that you and Benny had gone out somewhere, so when I knocked and you didn’t answer, I used my key.”
“Oh, Wera, Benny is dead, and Alex is missing in action.”
“Anna!” Wera took Anna’s hand and sat down on the edge of the bed.” I’m here Anna.”
“I think I’ve lost my mind. Wwhen I heard about Alex and then Benny… Oh God, Wera, Benny! I wanted to die. I wanted to kill my baby. What was I thinking? Now the baby’s dead. I’ve murdered my child…and I’m so weak from the loss of blood.” Anna was as pale as the white hospital walls; her body shook violently.
“Are you cold? You look like you have the chills.”
“Yes, very cold,” Anna answered, her teeth chattering.
“I’m going to get you another blanket. I’ll be right back.”
Wera went to the nurse’s station and got another blanket, which she spread over Anna.
“It’s going to be all right, Anna. “Wera squeezed her hand. “We will get through this together. I’ll help you.”
“Wera, I’m so glad you came. I need you so much right now. I committed the most unspeakable crime against my own helpless baby.”
“I think maybe you were in shock… and that’s why you did this.”
“What am I going to do, Wera? How am I ever going to go on living? I ran away from Germany, from Hitler, from the Nazis. I left my parents, and God only knows where they are now. But you know what? Hitler is here. He is still with me. The hatred he brought out in people has stayed with me, and with Alex, and with every Jew who tried to escape him. Because, you see, no matter what we do, our lives will never be the same. It will never be for us the way it would have been if we hadn’t been forced out of our homes. The guilt I feel for my parents? Alex has the same guilt. And now, I’m so guilty about the baby. I wish I had died.”
“You shouldn’t say that. God’s greatest gift is life.”
“God is punishing me for my affair with Benny. That’s why Benny is dead. Or maybe God has an anti-Semitic streak too. Why did he let this happen with the Nazis? Why, Wera, why are so many Jews forced to suffer? Tell me, Wera, tell me. I want to know…” She shook even more violently than before. The veins on her neck stood out like purple ropes.
“I don’t know, Anna. I wish I had all the answers but I don’t. But I refuse to believe that God is mean or vengeful. I think that God allows us to do what we want to do. Then, sometimes, bad things happen. But I know, no matter what, I know God loves you. We have never talked about Jesus, because you are Jewish, but Jesus loves you, Anna. No matter what you did, he loves you. And he forgives you.”
“I killed the baby. How can I ever forgive myself for that? I couldn’t bear to bring a child into this horrible world without a father. I was afraid, afraid of so many things, that I wouldn’t be able to support the baby on my own.”
“Well, you’re right; it would not have been easy, and you probably would have lost your job when they found out that you had a child out of wedlock.”
“But most of all, Wera, I couldn’t have Benny’s baby because I didn’t know how I would face Alex with a child by another man. I am weak and I am selfish. ”
“What’s done is done. You acted in a state of madness.”
“I am so alone. And I deserve to be alone. I deserve to suffer. Why didn’t I just die? It would have been easier.”
“You know what I think? I think you should move in with me, at least until we know more about Alex.”
“Do you think he is dead?” Anna asked, and bit her lower lip hard, until she tasted blood.
“I don’t know, but we will be together and wait for news. For now you must not lose hope.”
Suddenly Anna’s shoulders dropped and her body stopped trembling. Her head hung and she seemed to collapse. Then she began to weep. She wept in long, heart-wrenching sobs. It helped to cry, to let the pain out instead of burying it so deep that it ate her from the inside out, like a cancer.
Wera put her arm around Anna and held her. Anna buried her head in the comfort of Wera’s ample breast.
“Do you still love Alex?” Wera asked, her voice soft.
“I’ve always loved Alex. I am not sure how it is possible, but I loved Benny too. I just can’t believe he is dead. And I will never forgive myself for the baby. Look what I’ve done.”
“I know... I know. Shhh… It will be all right.” Wera patted Anna’s back and held her like a child.