The Face In The Mirror (25 page)

After Alecia left, Mitchell and I went upstairs and fell into the bed. “It was
all that and more,” he said, and curled close to me.
I leaned back to look at him questioningly. “The chicken, it really was
Spanish heaven…” he explained.
“No, this is heaven,” I said.
I called my dad the next morning. “This is a nice surprise,” he said when he
answered. “Dinner last night was good – no, wait, Roxy said it was awesome.
She went on and on about it and asked me to pick up a menu when I return the
crockpot.”
“I’m glad you liked it. The menu will be on-line soon. Just hang on to the
crockpot and we’ll swap it for a full one before long.”
“Christmas?”
“No. I’m sorry, that’s why I called. We’re spending the day with Mitchell’s
mom and a guy he works with is coming for dinner.”
“Renee…”
“Not now, Dad.”
“I know you’re avoiding your family…”
“I am,” I admitted. “My head and my heart are so full. Christmas without
Mom, her birthday… It hurts and I have to tell you honestly that I don’t want
to share her birthday with Roxanne.”
There! I said it! And it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.
“I understand,” he said.
I wanted to scream, ‘NO, YOU DON’T!’ But I didn’t. “I’ll talk to you
soon.”
“I love you, Renee.” I hung up as though I didn’t hear him.

n

I’d watched her struggle for a few days. I knew it was Christmas; she was
just having a hard time with all of it. After the tree was up, she seemed to be in
better spirits. But I saw her wrestle with her emotions - the battle with what she
felt, and what she thought she should feel, over her fractured family, but mostly
it was missing Mona.

She kept a happy face whenever anyone was around. But I noticed Cassie –
the nurturer – surround her with love that I’m not sure Renie was even
conscious of. She would see Renie, off somewhere in thought, and begin
talking about things she was enthusiastic about for the business. Her
excitement was infectious and I’d see her gently reel Renie back in.

On Christmas morning we woke early. Renie had brought an assortment of
the muffins home to bake and we enjoyed them with her favorite coffee –
Santa’s White Christmas. We sat quietly, looking at the tree, seeing where the
ocean and the sky melded into one on the horizon. She’d asked that we not
exchange gifts, but I already had something for her when she made the request.

“Ready for more coffee?” I asked as I rose from the sofa.
“Thank you, that’d be nice.”
When I returned I handed her the cup, and then went to the tree and dug

among the branches and brought back an ornament.
“What is this?”
I pointed to a hinge on the ball and said, “Maybe you should open it.”
“You didn’t play fair!” she said when she opened it. “It’s beautiful.”
“The jeweler in Gatlinburg helped me design it. It’s unique only to you.”
It was a band with three diamonds set to fit in the infinity ring we’d

exchanged as our wedding band. She slipped the wedding band off. I set the
two together and placed them back onto her finger. She held her hand out to
look and as I watched her, I saw a grin slowly grace that beautiful face, and
then she yelled, “To infinity and beyond!”

She moved closer, put her arms around my neck and said, “I love it!”

Once more, the plan was for our ‘family’ to get together to celebrate, and I
could tell she felt good about it. It warmed me in a way that I can’t explain to
see her that happy. Everyone was bringing a dish to contribute to the meal, and
Renie had been in the kitchen all morning. She was wearing one of Granny’s
aprons and it seemed like it was a cape that gave her super powers or
something, because as soon as she had it on she was a different person.

But the closer it came time for the others to arrive I saw her happy mood
seemed to become more subdued. She’d baked Mona’s favorite cake the night
before, white cake with “sticky” frosting and coconut. She stood, quietly at the
counter, adding poinsettias that she’d made of red frosting to the cake.

I walked up behind her, wrapped my arms around her, and whispered in
her ear. “You OK? You seemed to get quiet.”
“I’m fine. I’ll be better with the distraction of everyone else being here.”
“Whatever you say,” I said and kissed her neck as the doorbell rang.
“Renie,” I said, looking back over my shoulder, “it’ll be fine. I love you.”
Midge, Cassie and Alecia were in the kitchen, busily chatting over all that
remained to be done. Ashley was setting the table, and Chuck, Dave and I were
on the sofa watching football. As I watched Renie, she seemed to wander
around as though she was looking for something. Finally, she came to me and
whispered in my ear. “I just need a few minutes.” I reached up and patted her
hand.
I watched as she entered our room and knew she was going to the chaise. I
couldn’t even imagine the depth of sadness she really felt today.

n

I tried to keep my mind busy, but my mom was everywhere I turned - not
just the mirror today. I felt her to the point that it overwhelmed me. I knew she
would have loved the chaos in the kitchen, the festive decorations, and Midge
telling everyone what to do, like she was Martha Stewart.

Finally, I went to our room and curled up on the chaise to give myself a
minute alone. I pulled the afghan over me with the intent of just clearing my
head for a few minutes.

I felt Mitchell beside me as his body lovingly wrapped around mine. “Hey,”
he whispered in my ear. “You doin’ OK?”
“Yeah. I guess I thought I’d be more OK than I am, but I’m good.”
“Everything is ready. We’re just waiting on you.”
I glanced at the clock by the bed. “Oh my goodness, I’ve been in here half
an hour…”
I started to get up and he held me in place. “It’s OK, take your time. Mom
and I explained. Go wash your face. You’ve got a hand print on your cheek.”
He smiled and pushed my hair away from my face to kiss me as he said, “Renie
Ella, I love you.”
“Mitchell, thank you, for all of this, for everything. But mostly, thank you
for loving me, again.”
“I never stopped.” He kissed my forehead and left the room.
I went into the bathroom to freshen up, and when I looked in the mirror,
there she was smiling at me. I looked hard, and as I did, I swear I heard her say,
“Thank you. I love you, Renee,” and I broke into tears.
I finally made my way to the dining room. “I’m sorry; I had no idea it
would hit me like this. I thought I was ready for it, but I miss her so.”
Midge came to me and wrapped me in a hug. “She’s here, I feel her.”
“Oh God, Midgey, me too…”

The meal was wonderful, and I thanked God for each of the people there.
They all gave me comfort of a different kind, and I felt blessed. Cassie and
Chuck were so adorable, and I loved them sharing this special day with us.
Dave and Ashley - new love - they brought such joy. Midgey and Alecia were
comfort to me and I thought how much I loved them and prayed about next
year being easier.
All those first everything
s, I thought. And then I looked at
Mitchell – the man of my dreams, my lifetime love, my everything. I bowed my
head, and thanked my mom for her part in bringing us back together, even
though it meant that she wasn’t here to witness our new beginning. But I
believed she was.

When everyone was gone, Mitchell and I fell into bed and into each other’s
arms. “That was lovely, Mitchell, all the people I love together. I’m sorry I had
to disappear for a while.” Quiet a moment, I finally said, “I just miss her.”

“Want to read?”
“You read, I’ll snuggle,” I said and curled into his arms. Suddenly he sang,
“Isn’t it ironic,” and I peeked.
“A little too ironic,” I sang in reply.
Christmas 2007

Tomorrow is my 59
^th
birthday and the first time in a very long time that I
feel peaceful… Your dad is away on a ski trip ‘with the guys’, and I really
don’t care. I won’t miss him. Derek and Janelle have gone to Aruba, and I’m
here waiting on you and Granny to arrive for our slumber party. I’m looking
forward to our girl-time. I think we’ll order pizza.

The holidays are always such a special time for me. You called this morning
to say that you were bringing a friend for Christmas Eve. You didn’t say who
it was, and I confess that I was hopeful that your friend would be a man.
When you arrived I was just as happy to find Ashley with you, but sad that
she was going through the heartache of a divorce. I can secretly wish it were a
man. I fear that you are settling for what you have – and then I realize that I
am doing the same.

Renee, find love, again. Don’t be alone or lonely. I’m sorry if I’ve allowed
you to think what I have is acceptable. Find a man to make you happy, but
my selfish prayer is that…

“Stop,” I said, fighting tears. Until Mitchell came back into my life, I
had
settled. I knew no one else would ever make me as happy as him, so I didn’t
really look. I’d spent the last nine years apart from the man I loved and she
knew it.

“Renie?”

“She was right, because she knew all along that my life would never be
right, never be whole, without you.”
He opened the book again and read on, but it only made me cry, hearing
his voice say those words…

…My selfish prayer is that you wake up one day and realize how your life
COULD be, what it SHOULD be with Mitchell Donovan. Find him,
Renee. You loved each other so much, for so long. I thought fifteen was young
when you met him and he was older, but I saw something all along that was
sadly missing from my own life. The look on his face every time I saw him look
at you was nothing short of absolute love. I saw that look right up to the
moment you walked away from the judge’s chambers when your divorce was
finalized.

Find him again. Let me see that look of love on your face once more. That
smile, that sparkle in your eyes when you say his name, and that flash of
excitement that I saw every time he said yours. Find him.

I jumped from the bed, practically running to the bathroom, and Mitchell
was right behind me. I ran to the sink, to the mirror, hoping I would see her
there – but she wasn’t.

“Say my name, Mitchell!” I said, blubbering now. “SAY IT!”

“Renee Ella Ridgeway Donovan Donovan,” he smiled and I saw that look,
the one my mom described – absolute love.
“Mitchell Patrick Donovan, I love you more than life, and hope my mom
sees this love we share. I’m sorry for every minute we were apart because we
missed so much.”
He handed me a tissue and I blew my nose making that big, loud, goosehonk noise. He wrapped me in his embrace and I felt that love, and I felt
thankful for mulligans.
I washed my face and we went back to bed. Mitchell picked up the journal
and started reading again.

I know that you will ‘surprise’ me with my favorite cake, and in the
morning, I will beg you to make omelets with the surprise I have for you!
“The omelet pan,” I told Mitchell, smiling and remembering.

As I wait for you to wake up, I’m remembering and reliving so many years.
For a really long time, I’ve thought I was missing something, but I’ve come to
realize that I have all that I need. I no longer need anything from your father,
but I won’t leave. I will put the ‘happy-wife’ face on when he needs me to, but
if there is leaving to do, it will be him. Let it be his legacy to be an adulterer. I
will be the wife he threw away. I hope someday he realizes what he cast aside,
over and over, but I find that I no longer care.

“Oh, Mitchell…”
“Want me to stop?”
“No, please go on.”

I heard Granny leave her room this morning, sure that she was on her way
to the kitchen. She loves her coffee. As I lay there just a little longer, I felt
happy knowing that you were down the hall, back home in your old room. I
wanted to run down the hall like I did when you were small, to wake you to
come see what Christmas surprises were under the tree. And then I reminded
myself that you are thirty years old – so I refrained. I’m excited for you to open
your gifts. I paid attention, and I listened when you say you like something, or
you wish you had this or that. I can already see the smile on your face.

“I never made the splurge to get a ‘real’ omelet pan. I’d been using a nonstick skillet omelet pan, and it worked OK, but it wasn’t what I dreamed of. We
were watching a documentary on Julia Child and they talked about the pan she
used for her omelets. It was designed just for her by
The Pot Shop of Boston
. After
we saw the show, I researched and it was listed everywhere as the best of the
best - cast aluminum to keep the heat consistent, the perfect curved sides. It
was my dream, but it was way more expensive than I wanted to pay. Every time
I made her an omelet I would say ‘someday Mom. Someday!’ And that
Christmas was THE day. I remember opening it and feeling like Ralphie when
he got the BB gun in the
Christmas Story
movie!”

“She was prepared. She had all the fixin’s to make omelets for breakfast. I
made one with ham and Swiss and we split it with Granny, and then I made
one with spinach and feta and we split that one, too. I just remember feeling as
though I were floating on a cloud…”

“Is that the pan you have now?”
“Mmm hmm. It will probably last forever - the quality of it is that good.”
“I think you need a couple more of those bad boys for Granny’s, ‘cuz this

one is staying right here. The world must experience those omelets!” he
laughed.

“That’s enough for now,” I said, and took the book and put it aside. I
scooted into the curve of his body. “Can you please just hold me?”
“Nothing in the world would make me happier.”
Our grand opening was just over a week away, and the anxiousness - good
and bad – was finally kicking in. I was a nervous wreck, but excited beyond
belief. I hired Sarina, a girl who was attending the community college and
needed some spending money, to help as a server.
Thinking about all that life had blessed me with the last eight months made
me feel incredibly grateful. I couldn’t look at Mitchell without feeling like I had
butterflies in my belly. I couldn’t believe the blessing of my husband and how
happy being in love felt. He came to Granny’s at lunch most days and I found
myself anxious for his arrival each time. Today was no different. When he came
in the back door, he carried a big box, and wore a huge smile on his face.
“You have that mischievous grin on your face. What are you up to?” He
sat the box down, gave Cassie a peck on the cheek and grabbed me in a big
hug.
“I brought you a present, and I’m happy about it!”
“Well, bring it on! I can’t wait to see what’s inside!”
He pushed the box toward me as Cassie looked on. I looked at the return
address - Boston, Massachusetts - and tore into the box like a crazy woman. I
knew what was in there! Inside I found, not one, not two, but three of the
omelet pans!
“I told you before. The world has to experience those omelets!”
“I think you should make one now. I haven’t had one! Omelets can be
good for breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus you need to show me how!” Cassie
said, encouraging me.
“She might be able to show you, but the magic is in these fingers,” he said,
taking my hands and nibbling on my fingertips. “Get busy,” he whispered in
my ear.
I looked through the fridge and found some ‘kitchen sink omelet’ worthy
ingredients - roasted chicken, spinach and Gorgonzola cheese - and started
whipping eggs.
“Dang, woman, I think this is the best one yet!” Mitchell said after the
second bite.
“Mitchell,” I laughed, “you say that every time!”
“The B Team of my guys is coming on Monday for the trial run. Dave, The
A Team, and Ashley will be coming Tuesday. Mom and some of the ladies
from the bank are coming, too,” Mitchell said enjoying the last bite.
“Oh, fun! Chuck is off Wednesday and invited some of the nurses he
works with to come for the Grand Opening!” Cassie added.
“The gals from Welsley and Ryan are coming Tuesday, and Midgey is
coming Wednesday, bringing some of the ladies she and mom socialized with. I
am absolutely giddy!” I said.
“We already have several frozen orders ready for pick up and I have the
counter flyers ready for Wednesday’s ‘grab and go’ menu. I’m giddy, too!”
Cassie laughed.
I looked at my lunch partners, and suddenly, I started to cry.
“What is it?” Cassie asked.
“Change,” Mitchell said to her. “It’s all good.”
I nodded and went to the restroom to blow my nose, and there she was.
“Change,” I said aloud. “Change, challenge, uncertainty, and missing you,
wishing you were here to celebrate all of this with me.”
But I felt that she was.