The Face In The Mirror (21 page)

Later that evening, Mitchell and I talked about Ashley and Dave.
“He likes her,” he told me.
“She told me she was in lust,” I cackled.
Mitchell laughed, and said, “I know the feeling.”
We were on the sofa, and he pulled me to his lap to face him. He slipped

“Have I told you today how happy I am?” he asked as his hands began
doing amazing things to my breasts.
“Not yet,” I said, curling closer, and whispering in his ear. “Tell me now,
Mitchell.”
I dragged my hands through his hair as he crushed my mouth with his
kisses. “Renie, I love you, and I’m so happy that you came back to me.”
“Me too,” I said, moving on his lap. I could feel him getting aroused, so I
wiggled around some more. Kissing him, I ran my tongue playfully along his
lips, allowing it to tease it’s way into his mouth when he parted his lips.
“Jesus Renie, you are making me hornier than a fifteen-year-old boy.”
“And?” I asked, wiggling a little more.
“And I’m going to take you to the bedroom and make love to you like a
thirty-nine year old man!” he said rising, from the sofa with me in his arms.
Thanksgiving morning was busy as we finished preparing the meal. After
one last check before we put dinner on the table, I looked around the room at
the people there waiting to share our Thanksgiving meal - Midge, Alecia, Dave
and Ashley, as well as Cassie, and my sweet, wonderful husband – and I felt
deliriously happy. We’d be sharing our meal of thanks and giving at Granny’s
table.
I’ve thought about that a lot lately, and I think we sometimes get lost in the
commercialism of the holidays. ‘Thanks and giving’ felt good to me and
everyone gathered at the table warmed my heart. I thought about how blessed I
felt, and how thankful I was for new friends and old; thankful that Midge’s
presence kept my mom closer to my heart. And my heart filled every time I
looked at Mitchell - the love of my life.

Conversation filled our meal, and I loved it all. I made Mitchell’s favorite
coconut-cream pie, by-passing the pumpkin. Alecia made that, and everyone
said it was good. I’ve never been good at making something I didn’t like, and
pumpkin pie was not my favorite, so I welcomed her expertise.

“What a great day!” Cassie said as we packed up meals for her to take to
Chuck and his co-workers at the hospital. “Maybe his co-workers will become
customers!”

Lying in bed later, Mitchell picked up Volume Six and I curled into his
arms as he read. It had been a good day, but it was emotional; this was the first
Thanksgiving without her, and her words began to paint a picture of
unhappiness.

I’ve always tried to push my suspicions aside - believe that he really was
working late, live quietly with the life Wayne chooses to lead, but sometimes I
just want to vanish, disappear… I know others suspect the same as me, but I
took my vows seriously. I still do. I will never be the one who leaves.

“Oh my gosh Mitchell, he really is cheating on her, and she knows it, yet
she stays.” I lay there quietly, trying to process what we’d just read, but I just
kept thinking, wondering actually, about her staying if he really was cheating.
Why?

I began reading the next section, and stopped. Before I continued, I closed
the book. “Remember when you asked me to marry you - this time - and I told
you I couldn’t have children?”

Mom’s words – in detail, it seems.”
“Then let’s let your mom tell it, and if I have any questions, I’ll ask you.”
He eased me back to his side, and began to read.

I’m very concerned about your health. I see dark circles under your eyes,
lack of rest, fatigue, I’m not sure, but you don’t look well and it frightens me. I
tried to talk to you about it, but you are so private. You never volunteer
anything, so I’m not so patiently waiting…

You called the other day to tell me you were seeing Dr. Isaacs. I was relieved,
and then I was scared.
“I just feel so blah, so tired and I have no energy. I’ve had time to think
about it, and I just don’t want to go alone.”
I asked you to tell me what was going on.
“I started my period in February and it just hasn’t really stopped since.”
“Renee, it’s the end of June!”
“I know, I went to see Dr. Isaacs in April and he put me back on birth
control pills. It eased up some, but it never really stopped. I went back the
middle of May and he said we should give it a couple more weeks and put me
on iron pills for anemia.”
“Last week they did an ultra-sound, I told him there was nothing in there
and he laughed. “Not looking for a baby, Renee,” he told me. “Good, ‘cuz I
think you have to do something to make a baby, and I haven’t in a while.”
“When they called with those results, they said they wanted to do a
biopsy…”

It’s been two weeks, and today when we left you shared your fears. I had
fears of my own. It didn’t take long, but cramps had you doubled over in pain.
Dr. Isaacs told us they would call with the results as soon as they had them.
I’m happy that you let me stay with you a while, at least until the cramping
eased up. And as you rested on the sofa, I sat and wondered what all of this
would mean.

You called on Monday. “It’s endometriosis, He wants me to have a dilation
and curettage, a D&C. I have to be there Thursday morning at 5:15.”
“I’ll be there with you.”
“Good.”
When I hung up, I cried. You’re all I have, and I don’t want you to have to
go through all of this, but what concerns me more is that it not be something
awful. I just want it to all be fine …

At the follow-up, Dr. Isaacs said he wanted to see you back in three
months, but after only four weeks you told me you were still experiencing
excessive bleeding and cramps so I encouraged you to move the appointment
up…

Sitting in the lobby, waiting your turn to see the doctor, you turned to me
and said in soft whisper of a voice, “I’m afraid there will be no grandchildren
for you from me. I’ve been reading up on all of this and I’m pretty sure that
he’s going to tell me I need to have a hysterectomy. That seems the outcome in
most of the cases I’ve read about.”

I saw tears in your eyes, and I tried to be strong, but I was hurting too, not
because this could mean no babies for you, not because no grandchildren for me,
but because I was so concerned for you.

“As long as it’s not cancer or something, Renee, that’s what we need to
think about.”
“I know, Mom, but I might meet some guy someday who wants kids, and
it’s a deal-breaker.”
“Then he’s not the right one, Renee.”
They called us to come back. When you rose, you reached for my hand and
squeezed. “Thanks Mom. Let’s go.”
We sat across from Dr. Isaacs and he picked up your records. Before he said
a word you did.
“Just say it, Doc.”
He smiled first at your direct approach, and then said, “Renee, you need to
have a hysterectomy.”
You pulled a calendar from your bag as though you were jotting down a
business meeting and said, “Schedule it. I kinda just want to get it over with.”

“Renie, it’s not a deal breaker,” Mitchell said, laying the book aside,
scooting closer to me.
“I love you, Mitchell Donovan.”

After Thanksgiving it got busy - like crazy, ridiculous, chaotic busy! We were
shooting for a mid-March opening of Convenient Cuisine. Mitchell and his
crew were completing the project at Mulligan’s and they were receiving great
praise for the work. Mitchell and Dave were working on the remodeling for
Granny’s, and it was coming together nicely. Mitchell was also working on a
proposal for another big project, as well. Cassie and I were getting business
cards, menus, brochures and flyers ready to print.

And on top of all of that, Christmas was causing such emotional swings for
me that I really just wanted to stay in bed. Christmas would have been my
mom’s 65
^th
birthday and I was dreading all of it, the tree, the music -
everything.

Midge came by one day to ‘visit’. I know Mitchell called her, but it’s OK,
seeing her always brought a smile to my face.
“Renee, what’s with all this moping?” she asked.
“I’m just trying to decide what to do about Christmas, its three weeks away
and I don’t know what to do…”
“What to do about Christmas?” she repeated with a sarcastic laugh. “It
comes on December 25
^th
every year! What the hell is there to decide?”
At first I laughed, because the whole conversation was so like Midgey, but
then that emotional rollercoaster took over and I was on the downside again.
“It’s not just Christmas for me. It’s Mom’s birthday, and I’m really
struggling.”
“I am not, and never will, tell you what to do. You have to follow your
heart; and you know it will lead you, it always does. I will remind you that
Christmas was
always
her favorite holiday. She loved all of it - you know that. I
think she would be disappointed to find you with no Christmas spirit. She
would have loved to see this place all decorated and festive.”
“I know that, and I have the boxes of her decorations stashed in the closet
in the back room.” I hesitated. “I don’t want to open them,” I said, finally.
“Open a box, Renee. Open it and see what happens. See if it speaks to you.
If it doesn’t, open it again next year.”

After she left, I putzed until Mitchell came home. I couldn’t seem to
concentrate on any one thing for very long. I did a little of this, and a little of
that, as I waited for him. We’d developed a routine that I loved; it was
something that we hadn’t shared before.

“Damn, what smells so good?” he called out as he dropped his keys on the
counter and came to hug me.
“Beef stew. I was cold this morning and beef stew sounded warm and
comforting.”
“If you’re still cold…” he whispered, nibbling on my ear.
“Go get your shower and join me on the sofa,” I laughed.

When he returned he snuggled beside me. “Now I’m the one who asks -
‘what smells so good’?” I said.
“Let’s eat so we can read,” he said and reached for my hand.
“Wait,” I said. “I have something I want to say. Thank you, Mitchell.”
“For?”
“Smelling like that,” I laughed, but it didn’t stop the tears as I’d hoped, “for
sending Midge over today.”
“I did no such thing,” he smiled.
“Oh, but I suspect that you did, and it was good. I still don’t know what
I’m ready for, but after dinner I have to open a box and see of it ‘speaks’ to
me,” I smiled. “Midgey’s advice. Come on, I’ve gotta make some cornbread.”
“Cornbread? Oh man, I’ll be your slave the rest of the evening, if you make
that kind in Granny’s cast iron skillet that gets all crispy on the bottom from
bacon drippings…”
“Slave? Hmm… we may not get to the boxes at all,” I laughed and he
grabbed me in a hug, smothering me with noisy, sloppy, wet kisses.

After dinner I made my way to the spare room and pulled three boxes
from the corner of the closet. I lined them up with no clue of the contents
except that they contained ‘Christmas decorations’ according to the writing on
each one. I sat on the floor and fought with my emotions. Mitchell waited
patiently as I tried to hold it together.

“She told me not to make up my mind until I opened a box to see if it
‘speaks’ to me,” I told him. “I’m kind of anxious about it. I feel her presence so
strongly sometimes, Mitchell. It overwhelms me.”

“How about I open the box and you listen?” I smiled at his reference to
Midgey’s ‘see if it speaks to you’. He pulled the tape and opened the flaps, and
as he did, I couldn’t believe what I saw. I couldn’t stop myself! Packed right in
the top of the box were Granny’s ornaments.

“Oh, Mitchell!”
He smiled as I dove into the box, pulling things out. “Oh my gosh!”
“I guess we opened the right box first,” he said.

As we went through the first box, I knew the answer to something I was
previously unable to commit to.
“We’ll be decorating for Christmas,” I announced, and Mitchell smiled.
“I’ll go through these three and then I’ll go to Granny’s and go through what I
have stored there. The breakfast crowd will expect decorations next year.”
Mitchell pulled me onto his lap. “I’m happy to hear this news.”
“Now, about that slave thing you mentioned earlier,” he announced, and
before I saw it coming, we were lying on the floor and Mitchell had my t-shirt
over my head.”
“Here? Now?” I laughed.
“Here! Now!” he shouted in a playful voice, but there was nothing playful
in his eyes. His eyes told me what he was going to do before his hands touched
my body, and when they did, he possessed me. I was his… but I let him know
by the response of my body that he was mine.

The next day I sorted through Christmas decorations, making piles of what
to use at the condo, and what to pack for Mitchell to take to Granny’s. He was
bringing the boxes of my decorations from Granny’s after work. I was also
making a list of things we would need to buy to decorate at the condo. At the
top of my list was the word TREE in big bold scribble.

I spent the week putting up decorations and each evening had something
for Mitchell that I couldn’t reach or tackle on my own. He was happy to help. I
think he was just happy because I was no longer moping, but it didn’t matter
much, we were enjoying it.

Alecia and Midge came on Saturday and we went together to get a tree.
Everyone had their opinion and it seemed to take forever, but finally, all four of
us agreed that we had the perfect tree. When we returned, Mitchell had a
surprise for me. He’d made a revolving base so that once decorated, the tree
would slowly rotate.

“I figured this way you’d have to make sure you decorated the whole tree!”
he said, playfully.
“I love it!”
We put the tree where we wanted it and Mitchell got the lights and a ladder
he’d brought home from work.
Midge and Alecia were busy in the kitchen preparing finger foods and
snacks for our ‘coffee table dinner party’. Everything with Midge is a party!
They put the spread of food out while Mitchell and I put the lights on the tree.
Later, Mitchell made spiked eggnog, and our party continued.