Authors: David Topus
Chapter 16
The Importance of Authenticity and Curiosity
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but with nine lives they might have caught a lot of mice along the way. Genuine curiosity—that desire to know—is the lifeblood of good relationships. Showing interest in another person—interest that’s wrapped in a genuine desire to discover more about him or her, to get to
know
that person—without judgment, is perhaps the single most critical ingredient in successful relationship building, and certainly in random connecting.
Questions are a pivotal part of random connecting. First, the answers your new acquaintances give you provide the information that you need to assess if, and how, they can be of value to you—and you to them. It also allows you to unlock the gate to conversation; questions show that you are interested in the other person, they make the other person feel valued and appreciated, and of course, they give you the insight you need to determine what potential exists through this person.
To be truly curious, you have to get out of your own world and into the other person’s. Truly curious people don’t spend a lot of time or effort thinking about their own
personal
interests; they focus on what interests others.
It is very difficult for others
not
to feel regarded, recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated when you are attentive toward them. Yet despite this fact, I am constantly struck by the lack of curiosity among people, especially when they first meet. It’s almost as if interpersonal curiosity—the desire to learn more about others, to ask meaningful questions in an authentic desire to get to know the other person—has vanished. Where did it go? What caused people to stop wondering about others? How can we expect others to know that we are interested in them if we don’t ask questions that allow us to understand and learn more about them?
Most people, unsurprisingly, like to talk about themselves. If they feel you are genuinely interested in them and their “story,” they will share it. In fact, it is so unusual to find someone who asks good questions—and does so with genuine curiosity and actually listens to the answers—that you will distinguish yourself immediately simply by exhibiting this quality.
Find something that is special, unusual, and remarkable about your new acquaintances; your interest will be flattering. What line of work are they in? How did they get to where they are today? Who in their life influenced them to head in that direction? What’s their favorite part of their job? These are safe, simple questions. They will give you a glimpse into who each person is, at least on the surface, and they create the path for further conversation while giving you the information you need to determine how you might be of value to one another. You are also earning others’ respect and gaining deeper insight about them, all while demonstrating your ability to listen, to care, and to be other-centric. Once you build some rapport, you can ask even more meaningful questions, ones that help you figure out their values and interests. What do they care about most? What’s most important to them in their lives? When you find them fascinating—and everyone
is
fascinating in their own way—they will overflow with information. They will want to tell you more. They will feel respected, appreciated, and acknowledged.
Of course, no one wants to feel
interrogated
, so use a slow pace when asking your questions about the other person; don’t ask rapid-fire questions. You want to pose questions in a gentle, nonthreatening way—and always with genuine curiosity and interest.
One answer leads naturally to another question. Imagine the person is a fascinating story that is yet to be told—part mystery, part drama, part comedy, part fiction, part reality. If you meet in a travel venue like an airport or train station, asking simple questions such as “Where are you headed today?” is Random Connecting 101. Then you can delve a bit deeper: “Are you traveling for work?” “How did you get into (the particular profession)?” “Was there a specific turning point in your life when you realized this was the profession for you . . . or where you got a big break that created the path for your success?” “What was the secret to your success?” “Who were your role models?” “If you could do anything else, what would it be?” You will learn about your new acquaintance through these questions, all the while cultivating the rapport that is so essential to relationship building.
The more you inquire, the more you’ll discover. That discovery will allow you to mine high-quality information—and you never know where that new information will lead. People are walking, talking stories. And everyone is fascinating in their own way. You will find opportunity in their stories; but you’ll never know about these opportunities unless you ask.
I once attended a wedding where a bagpiper was playing for the bride and groom as they walked down the aisle. He was dressed in full bagpiper regalia and blew those horns so all the world could hear. I could have watched and listened like everyone else and assumed he was a bit player in an otherwise lavish production. But I was fascinated by him and was determined to know the story behind him and his craft. While everyone else at the wedding was listening to the music and perhaps thinking about what a lovely touch this added to the ceremony, I was considering where and how I would approach him to get the story behind the story. He was accompanied by his wife, and as luck would have it, they both stayed for the reception, giving me my opportunity.
I began to ask him questions: Was this a side business, or his full-time work? Did he always do this, or was it something he’d begun recently? How and where did he learn? How many gigs does he do in a month—and how often did he play at weddings? Is bagpiping increasing in popularity? What does a set of bagpipes like that cost these days?
As it turned out, this was indeed a side business. By day, he sold job candidate testing materials to companies, something closely aligned to my business. We have spoken about how I can integrate his product into my offerings, and I anticipate we’ll do business together at some point.
But the big surprise came through his wife. How could I have predicted that she is a professor at the Art Institute of Atlanta? In chatting with her, she asked if I would be willing to be a guest lecturer at an upcoming class. Six weeks later I was standing in front of 20 marketing majors, sharing my insights and learning from them about the issues and challenges facing young job seekers. I found out about a dynamic educational forum. I found out about new directions. I expanded my network, and all from a random encounter at a wedding with a bagpiper.
Things About People to Be Curious Of
The art of asking good questions has been lost in our culture, yet almost everyone appreciates when others show an interest in them. Unfortunately, most people seem much more interested in themselves than in others. This is why you distinguish yourself from the crowd when you show genuine curiosity about someone else; you give the person to whom you are talking a chance to feel recognized and valued. At the same time, you gather the information you need to discover what’s possible in the relationship.
Chapter at a Glance
Chapter 17
Focus on Your New Connection
Can you think of instances in which you’ve interacted with a truly great communicator? Do you remember how it felt? Probably like you were the most important person in the world in that moment. That feeling most likely stemmed from the way the other person looked at you—straight in the eyes. Or the way in which the other person listened to you, hearing what you said and understanding the meaning and feelings behind it. Maybe it was how the new connection avoided external distractions and stayed focused on you and only you.
Extraordinary communicators are fully present when they communicate and interact with another person. That’s the hallmark—and secret—of great interpersonal communication (see
Table 17.1
).
Table 17.1
How Communication Skills Impact Relationship Quality
| When You Are. . . | You. . . |
| Only pretending to be interested in the other person | Lose that person’s respect Indirectly offend and insult Prevent the relationship from developing Don’t absorb quality information Have short conversations Don’t create a basis for meaningful follow-up |
| Moderately interested in the other person | Establish a moderate amount of credibility Show you care Pick up insights about who that person is and what he or she does Have average-length conversations |
| Genuinely interested in the other person | Gain that person’s respect and admiration Differentiate yourself as a top performer Get high-quality information about that person’s needs, goals, challenges, hopes, and dreams Have conversations that lead to topics beyond the obvious Will have a potential new contact who likes you and wants to continue to be involved with you |
If you want to make high-quality connections with complete strangers, you will want to exhibit those same characteristics by focusing on your new acquaintance instead of on yourself. The difference between a random connector who walks away from an encounter with a name, phone number, e-mail address, and agreement to speak again and someone who walks away empty-handed is that the successful person focuses on the person he or she is connecting with. Success involves being other-centric, that is, making the other person the center of the conversation by letting him or her talk and act as if he or she is the most important person in the world.
An important caveat here: There is a big difference between those who talk about themselves without being asked, as if what they have to say is of interest to everyone else, and those who are asked to talk about themselves to a ready and interested other party. Learning what others like or don’t like, what they care about, what they’ve done, where they’ve been, what they think—their stories, personal history, observations, and insights—are all of great interest to someone who is curious.
Since people generally like to talk about themselves, you are most effective when you prompt them to do so, specifically, by asking questions. If you encounter someone randomly and want to talk about yourself, make sure the other party is interested—and that what you have to say is engaging, unique, insightful, captivating, fascinating, and new. Otherwise, do more listening than talking, at least in the beginning.
There’s a story about an older gentleman who meets a young woman at the coffee shop he frequents. They end up spending hours together talking, during which she used the vast amount of time asking all kinds of questions about him and the story of his life, his experiences, his career, his interests, and so on. For hours she asked, he answered, and she listened. When he got home late that afternoon, he shared with his wife that he had met this young woman at the coffee shop and they had talked for hours. “What was her name, and what does she do?” the wife asked, showing interest in his afternoon. “I don’t know,” he said, “but she sure was fascinating!”
Being other-centric isn’t just about letting the other person talk; it’s about listening and responding to what that person is saying. We know from our own experience what it’s like to interact with someone who is merely pretending to be interested in what we have to say, going through all the motions but clearly uninterested. Their eyes wander, their attention drifts, or their responses are unconnected to the conversation (See
Table 17.2
)
Table 17.2
The Differences Between Unfocused and Laser-Focused Communicators
| Unfocused Communicators | Semi-Focused Communicators | Laser-Focused Communicators |
| Have wandering eyes | Look at the other person | Have nothing but the other person on their mind |
| Make irrelevant responses | Respond appropriately | Make consistent eye contact |
| Talk about themselves more than the other person | Let the other person know they’re listening | Respond with comments that add value to the conversation |
| Check their smartphones in the middle of conversations | Ask relevant questions | Play back what they heard and check for understanding |
| Change topics often | Allow the other person to lead the conversation | Ask highly relevant questions that lead to high-quality information Make it safe for the other person to share information about himself or herself Pick up subtleties about what is being said and “listen” for the meaning behind the words Delve below the surface |
When you want to connect with a complete stranger and create a successful relationship, there is nothing more important in that moment than
that person
. Your ability to listen, focus, track, and respond appropriately will build the credibility and mutual respect that paves the way for a meaningful—and hopefully mutually rewarding—interaction.
People appreciate when others listen to them. It garners mutual respect. And it separates you from the pack in random connecting. It enables you to move the conversation and relationship toward productive outcomes, because it tells the other person you care about and respect him or her.
When you are fully and completely focused on other people, you look at them. You track what they’re saying. You listen to the words they’re saying and the meaning behind those words. You ask for clarification and elaboration. You send verbal and nonverbal signals that let them know you’re paying attention and are interested in what’s on their mind and in their heart. You may not necessarily agree with everything that they’re saying, but you hear it, you acknowledge it, and you respect the person’s right to express it.
Good listening is an attribute of effective communicators, with everyone and in every situation. It is especially important in random connections, because you have to overcome the fact that you’re a stranger. So your interpersonal skills have added significance. Good listening doesn’t only help build your credibility; it gives you the information you need to know what’s possible in the relationship. By listening carefully and attentively, you discover not just what your new connection does for a living but who that person is, what he or she needs, and what’s important to that person.
Chapter at a Glance