Authors: David Topus
A simple yet relevant comment, observation, question, or remark that captures a shared experience or circumstance is sure to trigger a nice connection. Focusing on the other person, and saying something that resonates with him or her, creates a comfortable start for both parties.
Chapter at a Glance
Chapter 15
Get on Their Wavelength
Most public venues carry a veneer of unfamiliarity and personal privacy, sometimes even cynicism. People don’t typically appear open or available for friend making or network building in public places. However, it usually doesn’t mean they don’t want to; it’s just that they don’t think
you
want to. There is also that creep factor we mentioned earlier—that fear that the person nearby or approaching is a weirdo. That’s why the way you initiate conversations and build the rapport is critical to making a successful connection.
People build relationships in real time and over time. From the instant you attempt to break through another person’s privacy barrier, either verbally or nonverbally, he or she will have to decide whether or not to engage in conversation with you. Your tone of voice, body posture, eye contact—and yes, that universal gesture of friendliness and approachability, your smile—will all be the key success factors in breaking through the veil of anonymity. The other person will be assessing you as the conversation progresses, checking you out, determining whether you are safe, secure, and, well . . .
normal
. A sense of comfort will settle into the conversation over time, and you will be on your way to a new and potentially lucrative association.
The good news is that people like people who are like them. It’s just a fact of human nature, and one that’s been proven in studies by social scientists. But you needn’t be a communication expert to know it’s true. Just think about the people
you
are naturally attracted to; chances are, they’re a lot like you.
And because people like people who like them, or at least who
are
like them, it’s essential to align yourself with your new acquaintances from the start. That means getting on their wavelength, being curious about them, and showing interest in what they’re interested in.
Not long ago, I found myself sitting next to someone on a small airplane who was traveling with a cat. I should mention that I don’t have a natural affinity for cats; I am a total and lifelong dog person. So even though the furry creature was in a travel cage, it was still a cat—I was going to spend the next 2 hours sitting next to its devoted owner. For me, it was a little too much feline familiarity.
However, veteran random connectors know that aligning with other people is the golden rule of making successful, meaningful contacts, regardless of our own preferences. So for these few hours, I vowed to find ways to embrace and celebrate cats—and those who own them. I had no idea that at the same time, I would meet a global recruiter for one of the largest consulting firms in the world, an individual who would become a friend, colleague, and resource who would enhance my life and my business in ways I could never have imagined. (That was the woman, by the way, not the cat.)
I knew that people like people who are like them, so I was determined to find a way to like my new seatmate, as well as her furry friend. This was not a time for letting my own sentiments get in the way of making a new connection. It was a time to be other-focused, to be interested, curious, and even fascinated by this person, traveling midday on a business route, with cat in tow. And if I was going to find out what her story was, I would have to override my negative thoughts and feelings about cats—not to mention those who travel with them—lest I limit my possibilities by not even broaching a conversation.
“What’s her name?” I asked with interest, gesturing to the cat.
“Sadie,” the woman answered.
“What a cute name,” I replied, causing this new potential contact to instantly warm up to me. After all, I didn’t have to love cats to get on board with those who do. “Cats are amazing,” I added. “They’re very loyal, so much fun to play with, and there’s nothing like a cat curled up on your lap.”
Even though I didn’t necessarily have experience with cats sitting on my lap, I presumed what I said would be true for my new traveling companion, so it seemed an appropriate comment to make. It was my attempt at establishing alignment and common ground.
“She seems to be traveling very well . . . Do you travel with her often?” I asked, building more rapport and (hopefully) creating a conversation path about why she travels and what type of work she does.
Information flowed freely from there as we chatted: she was moving to a new city for an assignment with her company . . . recruited senior consultants . . . was focused on the fast-growing Asia/Pacific region . . . was studying to become a personal coach . . . wanted to do some part-time work for a firm like mine . . . and oh, by the way, I would come to discover that her husband worked for a company that was on my target prospect list.
In random connecting, and life in general, we will always encounter people who are different from us. That’s what makes life interesting. Our ability to abandon our own, sometimes limited, ideas and beliefs in deference to the other person—to find what is interesting, even fascinating, about that other person and what is important to
him or her
—is one of the greatest attributes we can possess. My cat-loving companion prompted me to abandon my personal feelings about cats and instead open my mind to the fact that others
do
love cats—for reasons I may not fully understand or appreciate. As a result of my ability to keep an open mind, I gained a valued friend and colleague.
Think about people with whom you just seemed to hit it off, whether you met them at parties, in business settings, through mutual friends, or in the neighborhood. Chances are, you will realize it’s probably because you and they were—and are—similar in some way or ways.
Sometimes that similarity is a physical one: how you walk, talk, sit, or move. Sometimes these compatibilities are obvious, and sometimes we are aware of them unconsciously. But we’ve all had the experience of just liking someone immediately. Often those are the people who become our friends and closest associates.
Another way you will connect quickly is by identifying a common interest, hobby, or line of work. Maybe you went to the same school, grew up in the same part of the country, like the same sports team, or like to spend your free time engaged in the same activities. It might even be that you and the other party are in the same emotional state at the time. If you are at an airport and strike up a conversation with someone who is aggravated but you’re on cloud nine, having just returned home after closing the biggest deal of your life, you probably won’t make a great emotional connection. If, on the other hand, you are also perturbed by some recent experience with the airline or airport service provider, you and your new associate will probably hit it off like great old friends. Consider a sporting event where you and the person next to you are rooting for the same team—or opposing ones. When one team scores and one of you is jumping up and down with happiness and enthusiasm while the other is holding his or her head in disappointment, it’s not a match of emotional states. When both of you are jumping up and down with joy and excitement at the team scoring, you know you have yourself an instant best friend.
And often that attraction happens—or
doesn’t
happen—in an instant. Most people will decide within the first few seconds of a random encounter whether they want to engage in conversation with you. The other party is assessing whether you are safe or a threat, friend or foe, and whether to engage in conversation or shut you out. And that person will base his or her decision on both conscious and unconscious thoughts about you that stem from how you come across. Therefore, the key to connecting with a complete stranger is to get on that person’s wavelength, showing that you are aligned—and it’s important to do this quickly (see
Table 15.1
).
Table 15.1
A Sampling of Things to Match About Others to Create Rapport, Comfort, and Trust
| Body posture | Sitting or standing straight Sitting or standing slumped |
| Voice speed | Fast Slow |
| Voice style | Deep High Clipped Smooth |
| Voice volume | Loud Soft |
| Topics | What’s happening at the moment Sports Current events Politics Hobbies Technology Line of work Family Travel destinations Early life places or experiences Profession or career |
| Emotional state | Relaxed Stressed Happy Sad Bored |
| Communication style | Creative Rigid authoritarian Relaxed Humorous Serious |
CASE STUDY: How aligned interests (and staying in touch) formed the basis of a profitable relationship for Melissa G., an interior designer.
As Melissa tells it:
I had signed up for a full-day bus tour of artistic sites such as museums and galleries in the city where I live. This was a treat for myself—something a bit out of the ordinary and something I had wanted to do for a long time.
I am always interested in discovering new people, so on the tour bus, I made a point of sitting next to someone, rather than sitting alone. Starting a conversation with my seatmate was easy, since I assumed we both must share a passion for art. We fell into an easy discussion of museums we had seen, favorite artists, and places we both wished to visit in the future. There was an instant bond between us.
During our conversation, my new friend mentioned that she had just purchased a town house in the area and was wondering how to decorate it. That was an opening to tell her that I was an interior designer. I did not pitch my services to her, but I
did
mention that I publish an Ezine online that explored various interior design topics. I asked if she would like to be on the free subscription list. She did and handed me her business card with all of her contact information.The tour ended, and we parted ways, vowing to stay in touch. She received my Ezine, automatically, every few weeks, which served as a touch point for me to stay on her radar. After about two years, she came back to me and asked me to undertake a major redecoration of her entire town house. It was a very enjoyable, and lucrative, assignment.
Sometimes something as simple as a newsletter or Ezine is all it takes to maintain contact with a new acquaintance until that person is ready for your services.
Everyone has a unique communication style. You will be able to tap into this style when you carefully hone your random connecting skills—like tuning a radio to a frequency. It’s there; you just need to fine-tune the dial. However, even if you can’t pick that up, you can always match the more obvious communication signals. This will let the other person know that you are harmless—and in fact, pleasant.
The alignment can be relative to the other person’s voice, body posture, interests, mood, experiences, values—and anything else that makes that person unique. How you talk, sit, or stand and what you say and how you say it will all be evaluated consciously and unconsciously by the other person. And he or she will more often than not respond based on how well you match or align on these factors.
Because most people tend to like those who are similar to them in as many ways as possible, pay attention to and respectfully mirror the other person’s communication style as much as you can. The other person will view you as being similar, make him or her more comfortable with you—and, in turn, more likely to open up and share information.
Try to find common ground as soon as possible. Of course, you have to first hear the other party’s voice pattern in order to match it. So after making an opening statement designed to gauge availability and create comfort, pay attention to how the other person talks—and what that person talks
about
. If he or she talks loudly, then you can talk loudly, too. If the speech pattern is fast, pick up your pace. Gestures beget gestures. If the speech pattern is short and clipped, speak in short, clipped sentences, too. And try to listen more than you talk.
Chapter at a Glance