Authors: David Topus
The world is a friendly place, and you can meet anyone, finding customers, partners, investors, mentors, and friends, simply by talking to strangers. You are just a comment, a question, a remark, or a compliment away from tapping unlimited potential. In the next section you will discover the key principles and techniques for turning your everyday random encounters into meaningful and productive relationships.
Chapter at a Glance
SECTION II
Turning Random Encounters Into Mutually Beneficial Relationships
The ability to have successful random encounters begins with your thought process and attitude. As we discussed in the previous section, if you believe you can meet anyone—that people are fundamentally friendly and that you, and everyone you meet, has something worthwhile to offer—then you will increase your chances of making an endless number of valuable contacts in your daily life.
Yet random connecting is also a
skill
, one that requires specific strategies and tactics to implement successfully. And although it’s not difficult, it’s like any other skill in that it entails focus and discipline. You probably already have some of the skills required to make productive face-to-face associations, whereas others might be new. In either case, this section will show you how to learn, build, and/or sharpen these proficiencies so that you can turn everyday random encounters into mutually profitable relationships.
Chapter 11
Find Clues to Initiate Conversation
The entire random encounter process begins with your ability to initiate conversation with a complete stranger. For many of us, the biggest challenge is knowing where to begin. What should you talk about? How do you find that point of entry into the conversation? And
whom
should you talk to, given a room, airplane, lobby, or elevator full of people?
In the 1960s and 1970s, people placed bumper stickers on their cars to make a statement or indicate something about their circumstances, personalities, or values. Sometimes they were funny, sometimes political, sometimes very personal. In all cases, they gave insights into people, their beliefs, their likes and dislikes, and what they considered important. Thirty and forty years ago, bumper stickers said things like “Let’s All Do the Twist,” “Hug a Hippie,” “Peace and Love,” or “Nixon in ’60.” These were literally and figuratively signs of the times that indicated car owners’ personal and political inclinations.
Today’s bumper stickers say things like “Driver Carries No Cash. . .He’s Married,” “Four Out of Three People Have Trouble with Fractions,” or “Guns Don’t Kill People; Drivers With Cell Phones Do.” Like those of the 1960s, these give insights into a person’s sense of humor, interests, priorities, and even values. If you pulled up beside someone with any of these on their bumper, you would have a clue about the person, and maybe even be able to say something about their statement that resonates with them.
Although the popularity of bumper stickers has come and gone, the good news is that people often provide information about themselves in other subtle ways—through the clothes they wear, the things they carry, and what they’re doing. In these items, you can find little pieces of information that people give out about themselves, either directly or indirectly. These little gems are the golden keys for random connectors, because they unlock content you can use for initiating conversation.
The following are some ways people broadcast information about themselves that you can use to initiate and direct your conversation:
I met someone who became one of the most significant business partners of my career simply by noticing his business card and using it as a conversation clue. I was building a comprehensive multimedia training program and needed some content expertise to enhance my own. The challenge was finding someone who had the right knowledge
and
life circumstances to be available to work on an independent contractor basis. It couldn’t be someone with a full-time job; it had to be an independent consultant-type who had the time and freedom required for the project.
Weeks went by as I tapped my network for someone who would fit that profile with no luck—until one day when I least expected it, there it was. While waiting to board a puddle jumper to western North Carolina, I saw with my very own eyes exactly what would lead me directly to what I was looking for: a business card of someone who worked for the leading sales training and development company in the country, attached to a piece of luggage and obviously belonging to one of the passengers who was boarding the plane with me. Although I wasn’t sure who it was, I knew I would find out. I scanned the faces of my fellow seatmates once I boarded the plane but couldn’t make a definite determination. I would have to watch carefully when we landed to see who would retrieve that suitcase and make contact then.
I made a point of being among the first off the plane and positioned myself near where the bags would be placed on the tarmac. When the person who belonged to the bags with the business card grabbed his luggage, I gently and politely asked if he in fact worked for the company. Yes, he did. I immediately began a line of conversation that would help me determine whether he was a candidate for my project. We chatted about the company and his role, which led to a conversation about my endeavor and the opportunity that might await him.
We worked closely together over the next two years, developing and marketing a highly successful multimedia training program. It was a business relationship born out of a complete random encounter, the result of my noticing a business card, believing I could meet the person to whom those bags belonged, putting myself close enough to make contact, and initiating conversation with a simple question.
Someone you see in a public place, such as an airport, coffee shop, hotel lobby, or any of dozens of other public venues, is more than likely receptive to meeting (to some degree). In addition, most people telegraph—sometimes blatantly, sometimes subtly—information about their availability and themselves. Someone sitting in the back of the coffee shop is probably somewhat less open and available than the person who chooses to sit in the middle or toward the front. Likewise, someone who is hunched over their computer in the corner of the hotel lobby is likely less available than the person sitting on the sectional sofa where there is room for others to sit nearby. These are subtle yet significant clues about how available someone is, and they are important guides for you as you approach your potential new acquaintance.
Chapter at a Glance
Chapter 12
Avoid Judging People From a Distance
We tend to evaluate others based on surface assessments of how they look, how they’re dressed, or what they’re doing. It’s human nature to make up stories about people based on what truly amounts to superficial data. And because it is superficial, the formulas we use don’t always hold up. We think to ourselves: That person doesn’t look friendly because she’s frowning instead of smiling. This person doesn’t look like he’s influential because he’s wearing cutoffs and has a few days’ growth on his face. Or that person probably isn’t worth meeting because she just got out of an older model car.
Have you ever read
The Millionaire Next Door?
Thomas J. Stanley and William D. Danko’s book lets us in on an important fact: most millionaires drive old cars. And most have never spent more than a few hundred dollars on a suit. And oh, by the way, some of the most successful entrepreneurs don’t even bother to shave every day.
No doubt, we as random connectors are seeking those who represent the greatest potential for having a mutually beneficial relationship. But just as a priceless piece of sterling silver may not appear so on the surface, a hugely valuable connection may be waiting for you at the bus stop, in the coach section of the airplane, or in the share-a-taxi line at the hotel. So although your preliminary assessment of another person may be right, it may also be wrong. And making the wrong call about a potential connection could be costly. It might cause you to miss out on making one of the most valuable contacts of your lifetime, just because you presumed that the woman standing in front of you in line at the coffee shop in a running suit isn’t the CEO of a company who happens to be on vacation. . .or working from home that day.
Chapter at a Glance
Chapter 13
Don’t Be Overeager
When you attempt to talk to someone in a public venue for the purpose of networking, the way in which you reach out has everything to do with the result you get. In other words, it’s all about the approach, with the venue being an important consideration. If you are in a place where the other person has overtly or implicitly agreed to socialize or be met, then that person is fair game. It is mutually understood that the person is willing to engage, and you have permission to strike up a conversation. Since both parties know this, the other person is less likely to be guarded or feel that you are trespassing in his or her personal space. Trade shows, industry conferences, professional events, and parties are obviously networking bonanzas; most everyone is open and receptive to making new relationships. You might say they’re “all-you-can-meet” buffets.
However, random connecting differs from these kinds of venues in that you are approaching people in places where the other party has not necessarily agreed to be met. This is where your approach becomes so essential. It is especially important to be cognizant of the creep factor—not
the other person’s
creep factor, but
yours
. Although there is often some initial unease (even in traditional networking events) on the other person’s part about whether approaching another person is legit, this concern is heightened in random connecting. You don’t want to come on too strong; rather, you want to ease into the interaction. You wouldn’t turn to someone at a coffee shop and say, “I know you’re here to get a cup of java but I’m trying to find a job, so if you don’t mind, may I ask where you work, what you do, and if you have any authority to hire?” Although that might work occasionally, it will
not
work most of the time. It’s too bold, in your face—and too early in the conversation to pose those kinds of questions.
The first thing to do when approaching a complete stranger with whom you want to connect is to simply assess the situation and person. Does the person seem receptive? Has he or she smiled or somehow acknowledged you in a welcoming way? Did the person make a nonverbal gesture of receptivity? If so, and it feels right to say something, go for it. Break the ice with a comment or question that creates a pathway to conversation (see Chapter 14 for examples of these).
Here are some guidelines for gauging when and how to approach someone when making a random encounter. . .
When the other person. . . Approach freely
Initiates a conversation with
youMakes eye contact/smiles/gestures
Is standing or sitting facing you
Is wearing or carrying something with company logo or other easy identification
Is not immersed in personal technology
Is talking to someone loudly enough that you can hear them
Is making him- or herself obvious (i.e., sitting in the center of the room or near most of the activity)
When the other person. . . Approach, but cautiously
Is working on a laptop in a public place
Is talking on a cell phone in a public place
Is reading
Responds to your opening statement but doesn’t keep the conversation going
When the other person. . . Avoid completely
Is working on a laptop in a private place
Is talking on a cell phone in a private place
Avoids eye contact
Is wearing headphones or eye covers
Is under a blanket
If you’re not quite sure what to do or say, the best thing to do when you are within talking range might simply be to allow a moment or two to pass
without
saying anything. By
not
filling those few seconds with words, you dissolve the defensiveness that others sometimes have when strangers approach. Coming across as
too
eager to connect can seem intrusive and inhibit the interaction before it even begins. We all know from our own experience that nobody likes to feel like the person befriending us is too overeager. There’s a lot to be said for subtlety, that is, allowing some space between the initial proximity and the first comment and between the first utterance and the next remark in the conversation thread. Sometimes a few seconds is all it takes.
Making a comfortable connection with a complete stranger is much like volleying in tennis; there is a serve and then a return. The person who is serving hits the ball gently across the net directly to the other person, so the receiver needn’t work hard to return it. You can then gauge what kind of player you have on the other side of the court—and how motivated that person is to play—based on how the ball comes back across the net.
You want to come across as neutral when you’re connecting randomly. You must exude a nonthreatening, friendly, and authentic air. You will want to be curious as well, first in general, then as a natural extension of the conversation, and ultimately about what this person does for a living. And after all, you are curious, since you are simply gathering information at this point. You don’t know if this person is in between assignments with the Peace Corps, the CEO of a major corporation, a stay-at-home dad who hasn’t worked outside the house in five years, or a full-time college student.
Even though your goal is to determine whether there is a basis for a continued relationship, no one likes to feel as if he or she is being used for influence or authority, especially by a presumed stranger. Therefore, your initial approach is paramount to random connecting success.
Although most people in public venues are available to some degree and can be met, you must still be sensitive to people’s situations. People give clues about how available they are; sometimes those clues are obvious and sometimes, less so. But the clues are there, and effective random connectors observe those signals and monitor their approach accordingly.
You will know quickly whether this is someone who’s available for meeting. The person will either respond openly or shut down the conversation with a curt response. Growling, snarling, and reddening in the face are generally indications that the person is not interested in meeting anyone.
Although turning random connections into productive relationships presupposes an outcome, we have to be respectful toward all those we encounter. Yes, you have a goal, but unlike a heat-seeking missile that finds its target but might destroy everything in its path along the way, you will drive
gently
toward your destination as a successful random connector. We all want to be regarded by others, and no one wants to feel as if he or she is being used only for influence and connections. So although you may have a goal in mind, you want to find your way there gently, preserving the relationship while ultimately discovering opportunity.
Chapter at a Glance