Authors: Renea Porter
WINTER
“Is that who I think it is?”
Alexis’s eyes pop.
“So you are seeing the same thing I’m seeing?” I question. Cole slides smoothly into the car through the window and buckles himself into the seat.
“I don’t know about you, but I see Cole in a race car, getting ready to race your loverboy there,” she says sarcastically.
“I had no idea he raced,” I say. “This could get ugly.”
“Dude, I don’t even know what to say, but hot damn.”
“Alexis!” I laugh at her comment.
“Hey, I’m not dead. I might not like to be touched, but a girl can dream,” she smirks while batting her eyelashes.
“I’m seriously questioning your sanity right now,” I tell her.
If you get Cole within a hundred feet of her, she melts. I don’t even want to think about that now. I can’t. I focus on the boys revving their engines. One tries to outdo the other and then Alex sways the flag for them to go. They take off in a flash and Alexis and I jump up and down from the excitement. Layne pulls through and makes it and secures his spot in the ranks. Cole will have to work a little harder if he thinks he will beat Layne in a race. I run up to Layne and instinctively throw my arms around his neck. I kiss him on the cheek and congratulate him on his win. Tonight will be a happy celebration.
He throws his arms around my waist and swings me around, then sits me down causing me to feel dizzy from the spin. I giggle, and Alexis congratulates Layne.
“Thanks.” Layne smiles so hugely that his dimples cause an appearance.
“I’m gonna get this girl home, and then I’ll meet you back at the house,” I tell Layne.
We walk back to the car and we’re both in a happy mood. “Did Cole wink at us earlier or was it just my imagination?” Alexis asks, when we get in the car.
“Why yes he did,
” I tell her. “But that was probably more for you than me. I’m just saying.”
“We should have talked to him after the race. I wasn’t even thinking,” she says, shaking her head.
“I’m sure we will run into him again soon. Oh, by the way, I may have threatened him if he hurt you,” I say in a fast tone.
“Um, you what?”
“He was asking about you, like I told you the other night. And believe me when I say he is very interested in you. I threate
ned bodily harm if he hurt you, and I meant it. No one hurts my friends or the ones I love. Okay, I might have been a little dramatic about it, but at least I got my point across.”
“No one has ever stuck up for me like that. I’m speechless,” she says stunned.
I smile. “You can thank me later.”
“We’ll have to do this again. I had fun, and I appreciate you as a friend. I would even hug you if I
weren’t such a phobic about it.” She opens the car door and waves me off. I watch and make sure she makes it inside before pulling away.
I make my way to Layne’s place and just the thought cause
s the butterflies to flutter in my stomach. I get to his place in no time, and the driveway is jammed packed so I park along the street. Walking inside, it’s your typical college party. I don’t even have to describe the scene, that’s how typical it is. I walk through the living room and into the kitchen and I find Layne throwing back shots with a few of the guys. He is going to be so wasted, and he’ll regret it in the morning. Of course I’ll have to get some greasy food in his stomach tomorrow afternoon.
“The man of the hour,” I shout over the music blaring through the house.
He passes a shot my way, and I down it followed by two more. We don’t even speak as I let the liquid flow down my throat, and it burns sliding down. Dylan comes into the kitchen and tries to be friendly, so I just excuse myself to the restroom. I take my time, reapply some of the makeup that has worn off, and straighten myself up. Once I open the door, I’m confronted by the green eyes of Dylan.
“What do you want?” I ask, as his gaze lingers over me. The curves of his mouth turn up into a mischievous grin.
His arms trap me against the wall of the hallway, one hand on each side of me, pressing his hands against the wall. “I thought maybe we could make a go of it again.” He leans in and nuzzles my neck, causing me to put my hands on his chest to push him away, but he’s not budging. I start to panic.
“Get off of me
, Dylan. I’m serious.” My heart kicks up with the adrenaline pumping through my body as I panic.
“I was hoping to get off later.” H
e smirks, and I smell the alcohol on his breath. He’s drunk. “Come on, Baby.” He snakes his hand around my waist, bringing my body against his.
“Get away from me right fucking now,” I say sternly and as calmly as possible. I don’t want him to know I’m dying inside. Suddenly
, all I see if a fist flying into Dylan’s jaw, knocking him down, and I jump away from him.
Layne bends down to face Dylan. “That was your one and only warning. If she says no, walk the fuck away. Now you just gave me an excuse to finally kick your fucking ass out of this house. Be gone by morning or I will throw you out myself.”
“Are you okay?” he says, turning from Dylan.
I nod yes, feeling embarrassed by the scene that just unfolded in front of me. The crowd moved in quick when they heard the commotion. Dylan gets up and walks past us. “Bitch,” he mumbles under his breath, but loud enough for Layne and
I to hear him. Layne starts to charge him and I pull back on his arm.
“Don’t
; he’s not worth it,” I plead with him.
“Fine, but if he so much as looks at you the wrong way, I will
fucking kill him,” he barks, before heading back to the kitchen. I follow behind him and I don’t say anything.
“Hey, M
an, calm down. We are celebrating your win tonight,” one of the guys say.
“You’re right
.” Layne smiles and passes a shot my way.
“This should probably be my last one,” I tell him.
“Don’t matter now, because you’ve already had a few and you aren’t driving home tonight,” he says sternly.
“Okay then.” I throw the next shot back and it burns my throat.
My head is spinning and I’m feeling tipsy. The party only gets crazier. Imagine my surprise when Layne pulls on my arm to dance with him. Once I get over the initial shock of it, we dance to some fast heart pumping songs. When a slow song comes on, he moves toward the kitchen, I follow and he hands me a beer. I watch as some of the couple’s slow dance and I fondly envy them.
“
Are you wanting to dance?” He motions toward the others.
“
No, it’s okay.” I take a drink of my beer. “How does winning today’s race feel?” I ask, changing the subject.
“It felt great. Guess the new guy th
ought he would get one up on me.” Layne smirks.
“Obviously
, he didn’t realize who he was racing against.”
“Do you know the guy?
” Layne asks bluntly.
“I do. H
is name is Cole and he’s in one of my classes. But I swear I didn’t know he was coming onto the racing scene. I was shocked to see him there.”
“But there is nothing going on between you two?”
“What? God no. He is interested in Alexis, the girl you met at the race. Geez, Layne, what kind of girl do you think I am?” I huff. I storm off to his room, the only place I can go to feel safe and alone. I might have been a little more dramatic than the situation was.
I sit heavily on the bed and sigh
, frustrated with everything, my feelings for him, my eating disorder, and the death of my best friend I’m coming to terms with. People come and go in our lives every day and you wonder what the lesson is behind each one. Layne comes into the room, interrupting my thoughts.
He closes the door behind him and leans against the door
, facing me as I sit on his bed. We just look at each other for a long time before he says anything. “I didn’t mean anything by my comment earlier.” He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “I saw the three of you at the coffee shop the other week. I came to school to surprise you and give you a lift to your dorm. And I thought it looked like you were into him.” He huffs. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m even acting like this.”
“What are you trying to say
exactly, Layne?” I place my hands under my legs.
“I don’t even know
.” He comes over and sits next to me on the bed. “I feel like I need to make a trip to see Amber.”
And there we have it.
“You want company? I would like to visit with her, too. But I understand if you want to go alone.”
“I’d appreciate if you came along. I was thinking of making it up there tomorrow, if we can get up e
arly enough,” he says. “I just need closure. I need to move on. It’s been what six or seven months since she passed? I need to get out of this funk, and I miss her like hell. But I know, deep down she wouldn’t want this,” he says with pain in his eyes.
“You’re right. She wouldn’t want that. She would want you to move on. I’ll be ready to go in the morning.”
He kisses the side of my head, letting his lips linger on my temple. “Let’s get in bed, and we’ll leave early in the morning.”
He moves to his side of the bed and pulls the sheets down
. He undresses, leaving his boxers on. “Care if I grab one of your tees to sleep in?” I ask.
“Go for it.”
I rummage through his dresser and find a white tee shirt, and take it to the bathroom to change. I change and the shirt smells like him. I inhale it, taking in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. Still, even with his tee shirt on, I feel naked, but at least it’s long enough to cover the important parts. I move underneath the sheets quickly.
“Layne?”
I say, facing the door.
“Yeah.”
“Can you hold me tonight?”
He moves
and presses his chest into my back. He doesn’t say anything; he just holds me, wrapping his arm around my waist. No questions asked, he just does it.
LAYNE
I wrap my arms around Renee’s waist. My body is stiff against hers. Her skin is soft and I want to kiss every single inch of it. Even as much as I want to, I can’t. I almost told her how I
really felt, but I held back. Something in her eyes said she wasn’t ready for that. When I do tell her, I want to go all in or nothing. I torment myself with the feelings I have. I have to see Amber one more time; I have to tell her goodbye, even if it kills me.
Yet
, somehow, my arms around Renee feels that is how it is supposed to be. This is how we should be. My heart picks up speed and I try to close my eyes to calm myself down.
Once I know she is asleep I give her a little peck on the shoulder, before succumbing to sleep.
LAYNE
I wake early in the morning with my arm still wrapped around Renee. My head thumps as I lift it up. “Renee, are you still going with me today?” I whisper in her ear.
I see a grin play across her face, and
she turns her body to face me. She grabs my face and kisses my forehead. “I need to shower first; do you have something I can throw on for today?”
“Sure.
I probably have a pair of sweats you can throw on. Just have to roll them up in the waist. And you can use whatever shirt you want.” I silently pray to the heavens, asking if I can get more mornings like this.
I linger in bed while she showers. I close my eyes
, imagining her naked body glistening with the water streaming down over it and turning pink from the sting of the water.
Fuck, I can’t think these thoughts or I will be hard for a week.
I force myself out of bed and move to the kitchen to get the coffee brewing. I run my fingers through my hair as I lean against the counter, waiting for the pot to fill. Once it fills, I bring two mugs into the room, and I pass one to her as she exits the bathroom.
“I just need to put a little makeup on, and I’l
l be good to go.”
“You l
ook just fine without it just my two cents,” I tell her as I head to shower. I smirk at the thought of her wearing my clothes. She wears them well, too.
I take a quick shower, and
then we are on the road pretty quick. Looking to the passenger, I see she decided to forgo the makeup. “I wonder if we should see Amber’s parents?” I ask, looking over to Renee.
“We should. It would be the polite thing to do. But Joan will fuss over having us there. I’m sure they will love the company though,”
Renee says, smiling and leaning her head against the head rest.
We stop halfway there and I fill up the gas, while Renee gets the goodies from the store and makes a quick bathroom trip. Back in the car, on the road
, we dig into the goodies while I drive. Renee calls Joan asking if we can stop by. Of course Joan said to come straight there; she would have lunch ready for us. I hate that she goes to so much trouble for us, but she loves to do it.
A couple hours later
, we pull into the driveway of the home Amber grew up in. I swallow a lump, remembering all the times we shared good and bad. I don’t even want to think about the day she died. “I don’t know if I can go in there, much less be here. I thought it would be easier,” I say aloud.
“I know.
It’s weird being here knowing Amber isn’t here. I know it can’t be easy, but you can do this. We can do this. I’m here every step of the way. If it gets too bad, we can leave,” Renee assures me putting her hand over mine.
I take a deep breath before exiting the car. Once outside I let the air slowly escape my lungs to try and calm my nerves. Joan comes out to the porch outstretching her arms to us. She embraces Renee
, squeezing her tight, and then doing the same to me.
“It’s so nice t
o see you two again. Come on in; I have lunch ready,” she says happily.
We fo
llow her inside and we both greet Roger. He shakes my hand firmly and hugs Renee. “Nice to see you two kids.”
Amber’s sister
, Sarah comes around the corner and her belly is big. She is pregnant.
“Oh my god, you are pregnant. Congratulations
,” Renee says, hugging her. “When are you due?” Renee breaks from the embrace.
“Two more months, and I feel like I’m about to burst,” Sarah beams.
“So nice to see you,” I tell her, wrapping my arms around her small frame.
“So what are you guys doing in town?” Sarah asks, smiling, as we all sit around the table.
I look toward Renee and she gives me a nod, letting me know it’s okay. “We came to visit Amber’s grave,” I say, looking down at the table and clearing my throat.
“I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear from you,” Joan says
, patting my knee.
We eat the sandwiches Joan made along with her macaroni salad, which is a favorite of mine. “You really didn’t have to go through all this trouble
, Joan,” Renee says.
“It was nothing. I’m glad you two are here to
liven things up.”
“Are you excited
about that little bundle of joy?” Renee points to Sarah’s belly.
“I couldn’t be happier. We are so excited to have a little one running around here,” Joan beams with excitement.
“How’s school going?” I ask Sarah.
“School is going good
. I go in the evenings. Once the baby comes, I will probably take a semester off and then Mom will watch the baby when I go back,” Sarah says, rubbing her baby.
Sarah grabs Renee’s hands and presses it to her belly. The baby is kicking. “Oh my goodness, I just felt it kick
.” Renee smiles. “I’m so glad you are doing well; you look great.”
“I hate to be a buzz kill, but we really should go
,” I say.
“Oh I wish you two could stay, for the night at least,” Joan expresses. “It’s not a bother, if you do stay.” Joan looks at us with hopeful eyes.
Renee and I look at each other. I shrug my shoulders at her, letting her know it’s her decision and I’m cool with whatever.
“I guess we could stay one night. But we would have to head out in the morning,” Renee says.
Joan hugs us both. “You two can stay in the apartment upstairs. I can have dinner ready in a few hours,” she says in a rushed tone.
I place a hand on each of Joan’s shoulders and look into her big brown eyes. “
Relax; don’t go through any extra trouble for us. I’m just happy being here,” I tell her.
She wraps her arms around me and holds me tight and then she kisses my cheek.
“You’re a good man, Layne.” She kisses my cheek. “Go do what you came to do,” she says.
Somehow
, I think she knows the reason behind the visit. A mother always knows. God, how much I love that woman. She is so selfless and giving. I’m glad I came, after all. Renee and I head back to the car. “Can you stop at the flower shop before we go?” Renee asks.
“I’m already on it.
” I wink at her.
We stop at a flower shop about a mile from the cemetery and we both grab some calla lilies to place on her stone. I pay for the whole batch we grabbed. Renee and I don’t talk much on the way. I park along the curb of the cemetery and Renee splits the flowers in half
, handing me half.
“Go on ahead,” Renee says.
I walk slowly to her grave. It’s not hard to find, and I place the flowers along the stone. I kneel down on one knee and I don’t speak at first. I run my hand over the letters, spelling her name. A stray tear escapes my eye. “I don’t even know what to say, except I wish you were here. I know you are in a better place; a place that doesn’t know what pain is, a place where heartache doesn’t exist. A place where only happiness resides where my angel can fly. My heart hurts, and I think you still have half of it.” I stop momentarily to catch my breath and take in the scenery. “You taught me how to love and made me feel what it’s like. I don’t want to hurt anymore. You will always be the one; the one that made me feel things I never felt before. The one that could look at me and I would know what you were thinking. But I’m afraid I need my heart back. Is that even possible? I don’t even know. All I know is that a man can’t survive with half a heart.” I choke on my words as I speak them. “Anyway, I love you and I always will. But I need to move on. This is our final goodbye. You will always be in my thoughts and my heart. I hope you can understand that. I think you would even be happy for me to know that Renee and I have connected on a deeper level than we’ve ever been on. I know she’s probably feeling conflicted because you were her best friend, and things might progress between us, if I have anything to do with it. Anyway, know that you were my one. I’ll love you until the day I die.” I kiss my fingers and press them to the stone before I stand to leave.
I wipe the tears from my face before heading to the car. Once Renee sees me approaching the car, she gets out with the flowers in her hand.
“Are you okay?” she asks, approaching me.
“I will be. Take your time,” I say as she passes by me. It feels like slow motion. I enter the car and cry for a few minutes, allowing myself to grieve one last time. I watch as Renee walks to Amber’s stone. She stands momentarily before placing the flowers with mine.
RENEE
“Hello, my friend. Where do I even start? Losing you, just about did me in. But I’m still standing. And I kept my promise to get better. You were the only one to say something to me about my eating disorder. I owe you big time. I think you may have even saved my life. How does a girl repay that? I hope you like the flowers we brought. Anyway, I hope you are flying in Heaven you earned those wings. I miss you like crazy, and no one could ever take your place. God knows I don’t, but I did come here to ask if you were okay with Layne and I? I feel guilty having feelings for him, when he was yours. You are supposed to be here with him. I honestly thought he would lose it and go crazy, but given the circumstances, he’s holding it together pretty well.”
I stop and take a moment to clear my head. I have so many things I want to say
, but can’t seem to find the words.
“I think I might even be in love with Layne. I will have you know I have never said those words out loud. I only hope you can be happy for us. Oh
, I almost forgot; I got a neck tattoo, in your memory. It was something we wanted to do together but never got the chance. It hurt like a son of a bitch, too.” I laugh at the thought of it now.
“You’re my girl,
my sister from another mister. But damn I miss you like hell, girl. Keep flying,” I tell her as I stand. It’s hard walking away from her. I wipe my tears away before walking to the car, so Layne doesn’t see me.
I walk back to
the car without looking back, only looking forward. Who’s to say I’ll never visit again? Knowing me, I know I will have to visit her at least once a year. No one has ever made an impact on my life like she did, and maybe no one will. I’ll never forget the friendship we shared, the laughs we made, and the future of promises. She taught me so much in the little time that I knew her, and I will apply those lessons in my life.
“You okay?” Layne asks as I slide into the passenger seat. I can tell he’
s been crying.
“I will be,” I say with a somber tone.
He gives me a nod, and starts the car before pulling away. I look back into the back window and watch as the cemetery fades in the distance. Tears start to stream down my cheeks and I don’t stop them; I let them flow one last time.
“Hey, it’s okay
.” Layne reaches over and places his hand over mine to comfort me. I reach into the glove box for a tissue. I wipe my tears with the tissue and try to straighten myself before we get back to the house. “I think we’ll be okay,” he says again and I’m not sure if he is trying to convince me or himself.
Layne pulls into the driveway and he squeezes my hand
, giving me a weak smile. Joan waves at us from the porch as she rocks in the rocking chair. We approach the porch and I sit in the chair next to Joan. “You guys care if I walk around the property?” Layne asks.
“No, go
right on ahead. Stop by the barn and say hi to the horses,” Joan says. Layne walks away with his hands stuffed in his jeans and his head down. My heart breaks for him. “How’d the stone look?” Joan asks, breaking my train of thought.
“It was really lovely. We put some calla lilies on her grave,” I tell her.
“Those were her favorite.” Joan smiles. “I’m going to fix some dinner. Want to keep me company?” she asks.
“Of course,” I tell her
, standing up to follow her inside.
“Just sit there and keep me company. How’s schoo
l? Tell me all about it,” Joan insists.
I give her all the details from getting the tattoo, to Dylan cheating on me and about Layne and me spending so much time together.
“Sounds interesting. You’ve been busy. And I’ve been watching Layne, the way he looks at you. I’ve seen that look before.” She smiles.
“Joan, I…”
“Listen to me; I’d be happy for you two if something were to come of it. You have my full support. He’ll come around when he’s ready. Trust me, he will come around,” she beams.
I see a glimmer of Amber in her sparkling eyes. It puts me at ease.
Later that night, Layne and I head up to the apartment to get some sleep. I slide underneath the sheets, but the scene of the first day we were here plays in my head. It was when Amber told us she was sick. But I’m at peace with everything since we came back. It seems like closure is what we all needed. I hope that Amber is smiling down at us.
LAYNE
When we came back from the cemetery, I walked around the property. I went to the barn first and found Roger there, so I helped with the horses. He didn’t seem to mind. Once that was done, I walked over to the lake where Amber and I spent so many days and evenings. It was very reminiscent. The bridge over the lake still looks exactly like I remember. The tire remains on the tree that I put up for Amber and I. Then I remember the passionate hot summer days we shared.