Authors: Renea Porter
I wake early enough to get a shower and head to the student lounge to study and catch up on anything I might have missed.
“Care if I join you?” a familiar voice asks.
“Chase. Yes;
have a seat. How have you been?”
“I’ve been getting by. I still miss her like crazy
, though,” he says, with a somber tone to his voice.
“Me too.
I just got back to school after taking six weeks off. Now I’m playing catch up so I can graduate on time. But at least I’m keeping busy.”
“I’m trying to do the
same; it’s my last year, so I’m off to a good start. When I saw you, I thought maybe we could study together.”
“Of course,” I say with a smile.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
After several hours of studying, I stand up to leave and Chase and
I promise to keep in touch. On my way back to the dorm I realize Dylan never text me about how he did in the race, so I decide to make it to the after party after all. I’m sure by now, it’s in full swing.
After a quick shower,
I let my hair air dry and pull on my tight skinny jeans, a flirty top, and add high heels, since it’s been awhile since I got dressed up for a good reason. I apply mascara to my already thick lashes and lip gloss to my bow shaped lips. The drive is fairly quick, since it’s already late and traffic was light.
I enter the house,
and it’s packed full of people drinking and making out. I spot Layne through the glass doors out back and see him sitting on the porch by himself, but I don’t see Dylan anywhere. I walk into Dylan’s room like I normally would any other time and I’m greeted with the biggest shock of all; Dylan having sex with someone else. His eyes meet mine while he is in mid-action of thrust fucking. I am speechless.
“Renee, wait!” he shouts as I slam the door closed.
I storm out of the room with tears streaming down my cheeks. I hear Layne asking me what’s wrong, but all I see is red as I walk out of the house. I hear Dylan yell for me from behind. He catches up to me as I’m walking down the road, to nowhere. “I’m sorry. It’s just I’ve been lonely,” he says.
“Well excuse me for not meeting your needs while I grieved for my best friend, who just fucking died! Just get the fuck out of my face
! You are fucking disgusting,” I spew. Hatred consumes my whole body as he continues to stand in front of me, shirtless.
“Look
; it didn’t mean anything. I’m so sorry.” He looks down at the ground, ashamed.
“Fuck you
, Dylan. We are over!” I shout. Not my finest moment, and definitely not his. “I hope she was worth it,” I say turning, on my heel and heading back to the house. I see Layne on the front porch watching me come back in.
“What happened?”
he asks me with concern in his eyes as he stops with a hand on my arm.
“I just caught Dylan cheating on me, red handed.
I just need to get out of here.” I turn to grab my keys.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for
you to drive in your condition.” He stops me again, placing a hand on each of my shoulders.
“I can’t be here, in the same room as him,” I cry. He takes my hand protective
ly, leading me out back and sitting me down on the porch.
“You’re a
mess; you can’t leave like this. Either stay until you’re calm enough to drive, or I can drive you,” he states.
He hands me a tissue.
“I don’t get it. Seriously, I’ve been grieving for my best friend, and I thought he had enough patience. Obviously, he is only thinking of himself.” I wipe my nose with the tissue that Layne gave me.
“He’s an asshole.
” He points inside the house. “I’ll go kick his ass if it will make you feel better. Hell, it might make me feel better.”
“As much as I appreciate you saying that, I don’t think it would help. I feel like my heart was just stomped on and crushed into tiny pieces.” The thought of losing another person I loved is soul crushing.
“Join the club. We can be in misery together.” He puts an arm around my shoulder, letting me cry into his chest.
“I miss her so much, still,” I say, lifting my head up.
“Me too.” He swallows, and then takes a drink of his beer.
“How was your race?” I ask
while wiping my cheeks dry.
“Good;
I moved up a spot.”
“Congrats.
” I playfully nudge him. We sit in silence for such a long time, that we watch the sun come up. “I should go; you should sleep.”
“What’s sleep? Are you okay to drive?”
“I will be. I’ll wait to a have meltdown until I get home,” I force a smile.
“
I’ll come by on Monday to see how you’re doing.”
“Layne, I appreciate you being here for me tonight. But you don’t have to babysit me,” I say patting
, his chest.
“If I remember correctly, we were friends long before I introduced you to Dylan. So if I want to check on you, I’m going to.”
“Fine, you win.” I throw my arms up, not giving in to a fight.
He walks me across the street to my car, and makes sure I get in safely before driving off. Back at the dorm, I quietly slip inside and put on pajamas, slipping into bed to sleep Sunday away. I refuse to cry anymore tears over somebody that could just throw it all away in one night.
Okay, maybe one more cry.
I cry into my pillow over the loss of my boyfriend and my dead best friend. This year is sure to kill me yet.
“Are you okay?” m
y roommate asks, groggily sitting up in her bed.
“I’m fine,” I say drying my tears
and letting sleep take over.
~
~ ~ ~ ~
I wake several hours later and force myself to eat, so I eat the other half of the burger in my mini fridge. I throw
it in the microwave for a few seconds and shove it down before I can think too much about it. Looking around the room, I notice my roommate is nowhere in sight. I let out a heavy sigh, feeling a heavy weight on me. Yesterday took a toll on me and I’m ready to focus on myself for once. How can I love someone, before I even love myself? I slip back into bed, to sleep the rest of the day away.
I slip in and out of
sleep for the remaining portion of the day. Sundays are all about lounging around anyway, right?
Finally
, when Monday morning approaches, I wake up early enough to take my time getting ready, and then I hear a knock on the door.
“Morning
, Sunshine,” Layne says, handing me a cup of coffee.
“Morning to you
, too. Why are you in such a chipper mood? Did you get laid after I left?” I ask with a chuckle.
“What? No! Can’t I bring a friend coffee?
A thank you would be nice,” he says sarcastically as he steps inside my dorm. “Besides, I’m here to walk you to class.”
“Thanks, Layne. You sure
know the way to a girl’s heart.” I smile and stand on my tip toes to kiss him on the cheek. “Let me grab my bag.”
We walk across campus grounds as I sip on the hot coffee. The sleep yesterday definitely helped
, or maybe it was just Layne showing up with coffee either way my mood is good for a moment.
“By the way, that tattoo is bad ass
.” Layne points to my neck.
“Oh, thanks. I got it
in Amber’s memory. We had talked about getting a tattoo together, but we never got around to it, so I thought this would be perfect to get in her memory.” I look at the ground, as talking about her still makes me sad.
“W
ell, I think it’s fucking cool.” He shakes his head. “She would have loved it, too. I miss her so fucking much. What are we gonna do? How are we gonna move on without her?” he asks, throwing an arm over my shoulder.
“I don’t know I wish I knew the answer. All we can do is keep her in our memory
and talk about her, even though it makes us sad,” I tell him as we approach the building.
“How did you get so smart?”
“I knew a girl once, who lived life to the fullest, and she savored every fucking moment, good and bad.” I tell him, taking the last sip of my coffee.
“I couldn’t have said
it any better.” He stops in front of a classroom. “I think this is you.”
“Okay. W
ell, thanks for the coffee, and walking me to class. I’ll catch you on the flip side,” I say before stepping into the room.
He shakes his head. I walk into clas
s and grab a seat in the back. For once, I’m glad to be back in school, putting my focus on something important and it’s something that will help in the long run. After a day of classes, I’m exhausted; I still have to go to the eating disorders meeting.
Dropping my books off
at my dorm, I head to the meeting and support group. I sit next to Alexis, like I did last time. Leah, the counselor, goes over some statistics on Anorexia and Bulimia and those facts make me feel nauseous, physically and emotionally. Who knew starving yourself could take such a toll on your body? This year is definitely a new start for me. For my own sanity, I have to get better; life has to get better. There has to be more to life, and one day I will figure it out. One day someone will see me and love me for
me.
But none of that can happen until I love myself first.
We go around the room as each person tells their story. When it comes my turn, a lump forms in my throat as I stand. “I started starving myself when I was fourteen. In school, kids woul
d pick on me about being chubby and I started eating less and less, and being molested by my step dad didn’t help matters. I felt like my world was crumbling, and I needed some sort of control. My mom did divorce him when I went to her about it. I was glad she believed me. But the scars are still imprinted in my brain on my darkest day. I did get counseling for it. Two days ago, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me and a few months ago, I lost someone near and dear to me and I took the first semester off from school. I could pretty much fool anyone into believing everything was okay, but my best friend, the one that died, saw straight through me and she made me promise to get help. And I came upon this support group at the perfect time.”
I sit back down in my seat, and I listen to the others tell their story. Some stories are similar to mine, and some are very different
, but we are all after one goal to get better. The meetings kind of remind me of those AA meetings you see in the movies. Everyone is seated in a circle, and mostly they are open about their situation. There are about two who are not ready to talk, so after the meeting a lot of us grab a coffee a treat that Leah provided.
I approach the coffee stand.
“Thank you for sharing your story. I know you felt uncomfortable doing it. You’ve had a rough patch of bad luck. I’m sure things will turn around for you soon.” Leah pats my shoulder while giving me a smile.
“Thanks,” I say, as I stir the coffee I just made.
Layne
It’s late evening, and I’ve had a full day of classes. I really don’t remember a damn thing that was said in any of them. All I know is Amber is still on my mind. Even in death, I think about her all the time. What I wouldn’t give to see her doe eyes, to kiss her lips once more, hear her laugh just once more. She is still all around me. I still see her everywhere I look, in the song on the radio, in the hall laughing with a group of friends, in the grocery store checking out the fruit, everywhere.
A
nd I never want to forget her. Sometimes I pinch my eyes shut and try to imagine her happy, content. Once in a while, if I concentrate hard enough, I can smell her just like peaches.
In my bed, I shuffle my position and turn onto my side. I leave enough room, in case she comes to me. Knowing she won’t
, I look at the empty spot next to me and wish she was here. I can barely breathe when I think about that. I think my heart stopped the moment she passed. I sit back up on the edge of my bed and put my head into my hands. She’s in a better place, where no pain exists. I know that and I try to see comfort in knowing that.
Living in the past is not going to help me get over her. I just have to forge through and make it, taking each day as it comes. Some days will be dark and I hope there will be more bright days than dark ones. I lie back down and grab my phone
. The time reads midnight. I wonder if Renee is awake.
I text her
.
How was your day
?
She texts back
,
It was okay. Layne, it’s late. Is everything okay?
Just a rough night
. Can’t sleep. Thought I’d see how you’re doing, is all.
Do you need me to come over?
No, I’ll see you tomorrow.
I quickly realize I shouldn’t have text her. And as much as I wanted to say yes, to having her here, I know it wouldn’t be fair to either of us. We have been friends for so long
, though, and we have been there for each other through some bad shit, with both her and I; and that was before I even introduced her to Dylan. I gave him an earful after she left Sunday morning, and I let him know he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He told me later that he regretted hurting her like that. After all this thinking I finally let sleep take over, seeing Amber behind my closed eyelids.
RENEE
My alarm blares early in the morning. Hoping for a better day, I look over my schedule and see my day is light compared to yesterday. I flip the on switch on our small coffee pot as I get ready for another day. I shower and throw on a pair of capris and a flowing summer top, and I complete the outfit with a pair of wedge sandals. The summer will be ending soon, so I’m wearing all my favorites before the summer ends. Today, I’m vowing to eat better, take better care of myself, and try to see the bright side of things, and then I remember getting a text from Layne.
I quickly text him as I’m finishing getting ready.
Stop by my dorm, so I can return yesterday’s favor.
Open your door,
he texts back.
I open the door, and see Layne on the other side of the doorframe.
“I’m a step ahead of you.” He hands me a hot cup of Joe; exactly the way I like it.
I dump my coffee and sip the one he passed to me. “Thanks. How are you doing today?”
“Better than yesterday, I think. Sorry I text you so late last night,” he says as we walk across campus grounds.
“It’s okay; I’m
here if and when you need me. Are you racing again, anytime soon?” I ask, changing the subject.
“Actually
, I’m taking the car out for a test run today. We worked on it, all Sunday. You can stop by the garage if you want,” he says.
“You are inviting
me
to your garage. I feel special,” I exaggerate.
“Yes, consider yourself lucky,” he winks.
I’m having trouble reading Layne, because I’m not sure if he is flirting or just being nice. Either way, I like him this way. Maybe we can help each other get over this hurdle we are stuck in. “Then I’ll be there.” I smile.
“How
are you holding up since the Dylan thing?” His eyes focus on the ground in front of him.
“I’ve cried enough over him, and I’m over it.
He’s not worth anymore tears. It was the best and worst year of my life. But now it’s time to focus on myself for a while.”
“I’m glad to hear that;
really I am. If you need me for anything, you know I’m there,” he says. “I’m only a phone call or text away.”
“Yes, I know. I’m thankful to at least have you in my life. It’s reminds me o
f when we were friends when we were younger, and it was just us,” I tell him.
“I remember;
quite well, actually. I used to pull your hair on the bus.” He laughs.
I give him a playful shove, a
s we arrive to my class. “This is me,” I point.
“Okay, well, I’ll s
ee you later then. Don’t forget,” he states.
I walk into class with a smile
planted on my face. For the first time I’m smiling, for no apparent reason, other than the fact that I declared it a better day today. One of these days maybe I will even tell Layne my secrets; the ones I shared in the support group. It would be nice to get it all out in the open, but I need to take baby steps, as this is a process. And a process takes times.
After class, I make myself grab a snack from the vending machine.
Just the thought repulses me. Most of the options are unhealthy, but I grab some pretzels. I could use the carbs, anyway. I eat them on my way to my next class.
~
~ ~ ~ ~
After my clas
ses, I head back to the dorm to study until it’s time to go watch Layne do a test run. I know racing will be his main focus this year; it’s the one thing that keeps him grounded. I grab a large apple from my fruit basket and chomp on it while I’m studying. Luckily, I have complete peace and no interruptions.
Before I know it
, an hour passes and it’s time to go meet Layne at his garage. I figured I’d just drive myself and meet him there. The drive was pretty simple and I remembered where it was, since one of his races was near the garage a while back. I pull in front of the garage and see the door is all the way up. I slowly walk inside, looking around for Layne when he quickly spots me.
“Hey, over here,” he motions. He is leaning over the car
, looking at the engine. Grease spots cover his hands. He looks grungy, and kind of hot actually.
“All ready?” I ask, nervous, as the rest of the guys look at me, making me feel uncomfortable.
“Yeah, it’s ready; ready to take her for her first test run,” Layne says, running his hand over the smooth hood of the car. It’s a black, supped up mustang. I stand out of the way as they load it up in the trailer. “You can ride with me if you want.”
“Okay, great.”
I climb in the truck and squeeze in between him and his uncle. The drive is short, only about a mile down the road. We pull off to the side, scout out the location for any cops around, and we don’t see any. The guys unload the car out of the trailer.
“We have to do this quick, and before any cops see you,” Layne’s Uncle tells him.
“I know the drill.”
I stand aside, along the grass
and out of the way. Layne slides into the car pulling his helmet over his head and snapping the buckle, and then clips his seatbelt.
“Ready?”
his Uncle asks.
Layne nods. They pour some liquid
along the tires, so when Layne takes off the tire gets a burn to heat the tires. It’s a very important part of the burnout. Not only does it help heat up the tires, it removes debris from the road when they take off.
He presses the gas pedal and is so far
gone, all you see are the tail lights of the car in the distance. He swings the car around and heads back at a slower pace. He pulls up, where he started, pulling the helmet off his head and grins from ear to ear, showing off his dimples. “The car felt great. I don’t think there is anything else that needs to be done before the race this weekend.” His uncle pats him on the back.
“You did good, son.”
The guys load the car back up in a flash and we are back inside the truck, headed back to the garage.
“Who are you racing against?” I ask, as we ride back to the garage.
“Some chomp named Shawn.” He chuckles at his own comment, and looks out the window.
“Well, that so called chomp is a spot ahead of you, so I wouldn’t name call just yet,” I tell him, nudging his arm.
We pull into the garage and I stand aside while the crew unloads the car from the trailer. Layne comes over to me. “What did you think?”
“I think y
ou will be amazing this weekend.” I look up and smile at him.
He slips an arm over my shoulders, the same way I’ve seen him do to Amber on numerous occasions. “You’re coming to watch me, right? Maybe you
’ll turn out to be my good luck charm.”
“Ha ha.
You know I’ll be there. Nothing will keep me away. I definitely need to see this one,” I say with a sarcastic tone.
“
Are you doubting my mad racing skills?”
“
Who me? Absolutely not.” I press my hand on my chest, acting offended.
“Dylan will most likely be there,” he says, looking for my reaction.
“Who’s Dylan?” I ask with a smile.
“That’s my girl
.” He rubs his knuckles on my head.
“
Ow.” I wiggle out of his grip, rubbing my sore head. “I better get going; lots of studying to do,” I say, walking toward my car.
He jogs toward me. “Seriously
, though, thanks for coming out to see me. It means a lot.” He pulls me into his strong arms and hugs me tight. “Get some rest. I’ll come by the dorm in the morning, if that’s okay.”
“Sounds good.
I’ll see you on the flip side.” I slide into the driver’s seat and Layne closes the door securing me inside.
I
t’s late and sleep is calling me, and I’m thankful the drive isn’t bad. Once I arrive to the dorm, I find I’m alone. I slide in my pajamas and pull the comforter back to get in. Colors swirl behind my eyelids and dreamland takes over.