Authors: Renea Porter
I wake feeling disoriented and I don’t recognize my surroundings. I squint my eyes open. My head feels so heavy, when I try to lift it. Looking to my right, I see a familiar face. Layne.
“What happened? Where am I?” I ask
, confused.
“You’re in the hospital.” His eyes try to hide the pain but it’s written all over his face. “You were in an accident last night. You fell asleep behind the wheel.” Tears stream down his cheeks.
“What do you mean? I thought I made it to the dorm in my bed.” I cry from the pain; not the physical kind, it’s the emotional kind. How could I be so careless and stupid? My heart hurts, and I see Layne’s breaking in front of me.
“I thought I lost you.
For good. You scared me half to death.”
“I’m sorry,” I cr
y, letting the tears take over.
“I’m thankful you’re alive. You sure had an angel watching over you,” his voice cracks.
His comment makes me think of Amber. Maybe she was the angel watching over me. Maybe she made sure I lived. I can’t imagine how Layne feels, but my heart hurts for him. It breaks for every tear that falls, for every time he cries my name, and for every squeeze he gives my hand. His grip is tight and I realize that maybe it really is us against the world, and it always has been. I see Layne in a different light I just can’t pinpoint it. Something has shifted between us…or I could just have a concussion and be completely crazy.
“Don’t cry. I’m sorry I scared you. It will never happen again.”
“I know damn well it won’t,” he says angrily. “This is all my fault.” He runs his hands over his head angrily.
I pull my hand from his grip and place it on top of his.
“This is not your fault.”
“I asked you to come see me do a test run, and you did. You were tired and you fell asleep behind the wheel. It’s my fault.”
“Stop it, right fucking now. This is not your fault. I wouldn’t have missed your test run for anything. I would never blow you off, no matter what. You are the only friend I have. And you are the only one that has been there for me whenever I needed you.”
“The doctor said you co
uld be released today. Luckily you didn’t suffer too bad of injuries. I think you should come over to my place, where I can keep an eye on you,” he suggests.
“Absolutely not!
I’m perfectly okay now. I don’t need to be babysat,” I tell him firmly.
“You will stay over at my plac
e, so I can keep an eye on you. It’s the least I could do anyway. You really don’t have a say in the matter.”
Just as Layne finishes his
instruction on me coming home with him, the doctor comes in. “Nice to see your smiling face. How are you feeling?” He checks me over.
“I’m feeling better.”
“You look better, but we’d like to keep you one more night, for observation. You hit your head pretty good,” he says as he makes notes in my file.
I reach up and feel my bandaged head. I must have hit the steering wheel really hard. “The nurse will be in to give you some pain meds.”
“Thanks Doc,” I say as he turns, giving me a smile before walking out of the room.
“Being the awesome friend that you are.
Can you go get me a change of clothes from my dorm? Something comfy, please; to go to your house in.”
He groans. “Okay, fine. Get some rest while I’
m gone.” He leans down kissing the top of my head before heading out the door.
I really just wanted some alone time, to close my eyes and rest, without the feeling of being watched.
The nurse comes in just as I fall asleep so I give up on getting any sleep while I’m in here. I take the remote to the TV and flip through the channels before I see the movie
The Notebook
on. And I intently watch, remembering I watched it several times with Amber when she was sick. Pain shoots through me. How careless I could be falling asleep behind the wheel? The movie is just about over when Layne comes in with an overnight bag. He looks up at the screen and he swallows hard. I watch his Adam’s apple move as he swallows again.
“
The Notebook
?”
“It’s almost over,” I tell him, flipping on the mute button.
“How are you feeling? I brought a bag full of clothes. Hopefully I grabbed the right stuff. Your roommate asked about you. I take it you aren’t on friendly terms.” He grins.
“I’m feeling a lot better. I could kick myself f
or being so careless. I’m sorry,” I tell him.
“That’s in the past now. No use in worrying about it now. I’ll take care of you.
Like we always did for each other.”
My eyelids feel heavy and they close as Layne remains by my side.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I wake to the bright sunlight beaming in my hospital room. The curtains are wide open. I turn over and see it’s already almost noon.
“Oh you’re up,” the nurse says while entering the room. “Ready for lunch?” she asks. I make a yuck face, because hospital food sucks. I had ear surgeries when I was younger, I can’t imagine the food being any better. “Well the doc will be releasing you soon, if you’d rather wait.”
“I’d rathe
r wait.”
“I’ll
get the discharge papers ready.”
Layne comes in
, shoving a coffee in my hand. “I thought you were going to sleep the day away.” He grins.
I bring the hot mug to my lips and let the warmth caress my insides. I feel it
go all the way down. “You ready to be my roomie for a while?”
“Maybe for the
night, or even two. Any more than that, you will annoy me.”
“Ha
, Ha. You think you’re funny. You won’t be laughing later.”
“I think I will be,” I tell him. I get out of bed and start to pack my stuff.
The Doctor comes in giving me a once over one more time to make sure I’m okay. He flashes his light in each eye, having me follow each direction it goes. He checks my bandaged head and gives me instructions on taking care of it. I keep forgetting about the bandage, but now I have a pounding headache. The nurse insists on me getting into a wheelchair to get to the car, though it really isn’t necessary. Layne helps me inside the passenger seat and throws my bag in the back seat. I buckle myself in and we head out of the parking lot.
“Are you going to be okay with Dylan at the house
? I can make him leave.” He cocks his head to the side.
“Layne.
That is his house, as much as it is yours. I’ll be fine. It’s not like I’ll be there a long time. Besides, I already feel like a cock blocker. I’m sure you’ve been getting your share lately, and me being there, will only hinder you getting laid.”
“Ge
tting laid is over rated, anyway.” He squeezes my knee and winks.
The rest of the ride is quiet and words don’t need
to be spoken.
Fifteen minutes later
, Layne pulls into the driveway, and he helps me inside by coming over to my side of the car and pulling the door open. He pulls my arm over his shoulders as I lean on him to go inside.
We step inside and Dylan takes one look at me. “What the fuck
? Are you okay?” I ignore him.
“She’s fi
ne, Dylan. Don’t worry about it,” Layne says.
A petite blonde enters the living
room; she only has on a pair of underwear and a little tee. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize anyone was here.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes. “C’mon,” Layne says. I let out a laugh, but what else can I do
? Once inside his room, I sit on the bed and tears stream down my cheeks. I can’t help it; Dylan was my world for a while, and seeing him with the slut he cheated on me with, shot an arrow through my heart, causing my chest to tighten.
Layne bends down in front of me. “Hey, don’t cry. I hate him for hurting you the way he did. The offer of kicking his ass is still on the table.”
His comment causes me to smile through my tears. “That’s better,” he says, swiping my tears away. “Are you hungry? I can fix you a sandwich and chips.”
“
I am. That would be nice.” Layne turns to leave the room. “Layne?”
“Yeah
?” He turns while his hand rests on the doorknob.
“Thanks.” I wanted to say more, but that was all I could get out.
I smile at him.
“That’s what friends are for
, right?” He flashes his dimples.
I nod. He walks out and I try to catch my breath
. I hold my chest as I try to slow my breathing. Digging in my bag, I decide to take a quick shower before Layne comes in with food. I grab a pair of my pink
Victoria Secret
sweats. I run the water and step inside the standup shower and let the steam engulf me. I let the hot water sting my body until it almost hurts. I welcome the hot water to numb my body, to make me forget. Maybe being here with Dylan in a nearby room is too much for me to handle. Perhaps I thought wrong when thinking I could handle it.
Knock, knock.
“Everything okay in there?” Layne asks through the door.
“Yeah
; I’ll be out in a minute,” I say just as I step out of the shower. I wrap the towel around my body, securing it in place. I grab my brush and look in the mirror as I brush my hair back and secure it in a low ponytail. My face is starting to look better; I think my new lifestyle change is a good thing. My tattoo has turned out quite lovely; I rub it and touch the colors. I love it and I think it was a great to honor my BFF.
You can do this.
I keep repeating those words until I actually believe them. I quickly change into my sweats and meet Layne back in his bedroom. He has the best bedroom and bathroom in the house, and he pays more rent, so he should. “Sorry, I just needed to freshen up,” I say, plopping myself on his bed.
“Here you go.” He hands the plate to me and I bite into the sandwich
, thankful it’s not hospital food. Layne sits next to me, but remains quiet.
“So, is my car completely totaled?” I stop to ask.
“I’m afraid so. I’ll see if anyone has a beater that maybe I can fix up for you until you can get another one.”
“I’d appreciate any help. Luckily
, I can walk to my classes, but I’ll need to ride with you tomorrow,” I tell him, knowing I’ve already missed too much school as it is.
“You know you can ride with me. Hell, I think it would be a good idea to stay over tomorrow night as well. J
ust to make sure you’re alright.” He slides an arm across my shoulders. And I don’t argue with him. Bunking with him is much better than rooming with my roommate. She is just too damn perky, like someone I used to know,
me
. “Just take it easy this evening, and if you think it’s too much having Dylan here, tell me. I’ll get rid of him. I hate to see you so upset over him.”
I slide my body farther up on the bed, pressing my back against the headboard.
I don’t respond to his comment. We settle in, watching a movie. I don’t remember most of it, because my mind was elsewhere.
Later that evening, I change into my pajama shorts and tank top. When I come into the bedroom, I find Layne is already under the blankets on his bed.
“Um, where am I supposed to sleep?” I ask.
“In here with me.” He throws the other side of the bed’s sheets down for me to get in.
“Are you wearing anything underneath those sheets?” I arch my eyebrow.
“Get in and find out.” He grins, teasing.
“Layne Mic
haels! Shame on you.” I continue to stand by the bed, deciding whether or not I should get in anyway.
“Just get in;
I won’t bite. And if I do, it won’t be too hard.” He chuckles.
I hesitantly get in under the sheets.
“Try to stay on your side of the bed. Okay?” I slide down farther into the bed and cover myself with the blankets and I bring them all the way up to my chin. In bed with my best friend feels kind of weird. Of course, this is not a normal circumstance, but nonetheless it’s still weird. My eyes adjust to the darkness, and the house is completely quiet. I finally let the darkness consume me and I fall fast asleep.
~
~ ~ ~
I wake up
to the buzzing sound of Layne’s alarm. He slams the snooze button and turns over, facing me. He throws an arm over my waist, then his eyes immediately open and he removes his arm after realizing what he did. “Gotta get ready.” He jumps up and I see he had on boxers. I hope things don’t get awkward between us. Hell, who do you think my first kiss was? Yep, Layne was way back when we played spin the bottle when we were younger. It wasn’t a big deal, and we went right back to being best friends.
Layne heads into the shower, so I take that minute to get dressed quickly and I throw on a pair of skinny jeans and a tank top, paired with a pair of wedge sandals. I use his
dresser mirror to brush my hair, put a thin head band on, and slap on some light makeup on my face. Even though people will only see the bandage on my forehead over my left eye and I will probably have to answer the same question a thousand times today.
Just to think my life could have ended so early, when I wasn’t ready
… I think of Amber. She was right; the world doesn’t stop moving just because someone dies or if someone is grieving. She was right about a lot of things.
“Ready to go?”
Layne asks in a rushed tone, throwing his backpack over his shoulder.
“Yeah,” I say, grabbing my own bag, but Layne takes it from me. “You do know I’ll still have to carry it around today.” I slide into the passenger seat of his car, whi
le he throws the bags in the back.
“I k
now, but I can help, when I can,” he says while sliding behind the wheel.
I nod in agreement. I know something is on his mind, and I’m not sure if I should ask or let him be.
I decide to let him be, for now. The ride to school is quiet, and it’s early. I sip on the coffee he made me before we left. He pulls into the school’s parking lot, and I open my own door, bidding him bye.
“Wait,” he motions with his finger. He grabs our bags from the back seat. “Let me at least walk you to class.”
“Okay.” I offer him a smile.
“Just remember to change your bandage this afternoon.” He points.
“Will do; I have the stuff in my bag.”
“And about earlier…” he starts to say.
“Don’t mention it. It’s forgotten,” I tell him, about this morning when he threw his arm around my waist. He nods and flashes me a wink.
See? We can go r
ight back to where we left off, as if nothing happened.
“Lunch later?” he asks just outside my class.
“Deal. I’ll see you then,” I say as he slides the bag over my shoulder.
I walk into class. I sit in the only seat left in the back next to a hot guy I’ve never noticed before. He has
dark brown hair and green eyes. He smiles at me as I slide into my seat. “You new?” I boldly ask.
“I just transferred.” My heart skips. His green eyes have flecks of blue in them.
Slow and steady. I refuse to fall for any guy at this point.
I need to focus on myself first. I check my calendar and see that my support group meets this afternoon. So I make a mental note to go. It seems like it’s been awhile since I was there last.
“I’m Cole.” Blue-eyes
holds his hand out to shake mine.
“Renee, with two
e’s,” I say, shaking his hand.
“It’s nice to meet you Renee, with two
e’s.” He smirks.
He has a killer smirk;
it’s deadly and seductive. I bet he will have girls swarming around him in no time. And I refuse to fall for his delicious charm. I smile and turn my attention back to the professor that is talking about some boring topic; I’d rather stick toothpicks in my eyes. But it’s a requirement so I try to listen.
Lunch time approaches and I meet Layne in the cafeteria.
I slide in front of him in the line nonchalantly, and he flicks my hair from behind.
“How are you feeling?”
I turn to face him. “Fine. I have another class after this and then I’m done for the day,” I offer a smile.
He points to my bandage.
“Just don’t forget to change that after lunch.”
“I won’t
. I’ve had plenty of stares and questions about it. It’s annoying,” I roll my eyes.
“I’m done after my next class
, too. So you can ride home with me. I’ll go to the shop later and see if I can get you a spare car for now.”
We move up in the line and place some food on our trays. I opt for a hot ham and cheese on a bagel, my favorite, with some carrots and an apple. We find a seat at a table
and Layne sits across me and winks as he bites into his sandwich. Sometimes I wonder about Layne if he is being flirty or just friendly. Pushing the thoughts out of my head, I think about the support group I’m going to after lunch, and how I don’t want Layne to walk me there. I don’t want him to know. I’m too ashamed as it is.
“I’m proud of yo
u,” he points to my empty plate, “you ate all your food.”
“
Change is good, sometimes.” I smile, grabbing my now empty tray to place it by the trash bin. He follows me out of the cafeteria. “I’ll catch up with you out front after my next class,” I say rushing past him.
I make
it to the support group on time and sit next to Alexis. She gives me a weak smile as I place my bag underneath my chair. “How’s it going?” I ask her.
“I guess okay
; having a rough couple of days.” She sinks in her chair and crosses one arm over to the left side of her hip.
“I hear ya,” I say in response. I don’t want to push her on the subject. She seems so fragile right now. I wish I could tell her, things will get better. But I can’t.
Leah, the counselor, comes in and sits at the head of our circle. “Would anyone like to start today? It can be anything?”
I throw my right hand up. “I was in an accident a few days ago. Luckily
, I wasn’t badly hurt or worse. I have a friend who is helping me along.”
“How are you feeling?” Leah asks, crossing one leg over the over.
“Overall? I feel better about myself. I’ve made the decision to start eating and taking better care of my body. I think I might have even gained a few pounds, and I just say fuck it. There are some days that I practically choke at the thought of food sliding down my throat. But I think of my now dead best friend and I remember the promise I made her. And I’m trying my best to abide by that.”
“I’m glad you are on the right path to healing your
self. Just stay focused on that and you’ll be fine. If you find yourself struggling, we have hotlines you can call or you can even call me. It’s the pamphlet I gave you already. Alexis, how about you? Would you like to say something?”
Alexis shuffles in her seat uncomfortably.
Her eyes are glued at her feet, and her jaw clinches. “I don’t know what to say. My condition is worsening. I gag if food touches my throat; it makes me want to throw up. Classes stress me out and it causes me to not eat, therefore making me lose weight. But this has been going on since the sixth grade. I can’t just turn it off.”
Alexis looks sad, and she seems like she wants to get better. Some peop
le just can’t stop cold turkey. It’s a process.
“Why don’t we start with some small steps first and once you accomplish those we can move onto more steps t
o accomplish. Get with me afterward. I will go over some things to help you,” Leah says.
Alexis nods her head and looks hopeful. I offer her a weak smile and hope for the best for her and everyone else in the room. I listen as a few others speak and I’m glad I’m not alone and that we can lean on each other for support.
After the group recesses, I meet up with Alexis before she has her meeting with Leah.
“I know we do
n’t know each other very well, and I was intent on not making friends this year, but would you want to meet up for a coffee sometime? We could study or whatever.”
She smiles. “Sure, that sounds awesome. Here
; let me punch my number into your phone.” She takes my phone and I take hers and we give each other our phone numbers.
“And if you need anything, if you’re having a hard day
, you can get hold of me, too,” I tell her, handing back her phone.
I wave as I make my way toward the entrance of the building to meet Layne.
I see him leaning up against one of the pillars, he has his hands stuffed in his jean pockets and he looks deep in thought, not looking at anything in particular. And then his head snaps in my direction, and a dimple showing smile appears as he watches me catch up to him.
“Just where did
you rush off to after lunch?” he asks, taking my bag from me.
“Okay, this might as well be a
s good a time as any to tell you. I joined a support group.”
Concern spreads across his face.
“What kind of support group?”
We approach the car, an
d he throws my bag in the back, and then we slide into our seats. “Layne, I have an eating disorder. I made Amber a promise to get better, and I’m really trying.” Tears streak down my cheeks, feeling ashamed about abusing my body the way I have.
“Don’t cry.” He leans over
, swiping my tears away. “I knew something was up, before. But I didn’t know the full scope of it. And I never pressed the issue, because I knew you would tell me when you were ready. I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me.”
The tears continue
and I can’t stop them. “I feel so ashamed.”
He puts the car in drive. “Listen to me. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If I could take all your pain away, I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m happy you’re getting the help you need, and you know I’m here for you whenever you need me.” His fingertips lightly brush my tear stained cheek. He turns my head to face him. “Do you hear me?”
His caramel eyes bore into me. “Yes, I hear you. I appreciate it.”
Something happens in those minutes in his car. I don’t know what it is. His eyes have changed and I don’t want to think about that right now. Pushing the thought out of my head
, I reach for a tissue in his glove box and I use the mirror above to clean my face up.