Planet Janet in Orbit (15 page)

Gave D her birthday present at lunch since she was meeting Ethan straight after school for their
PRIVATE
celebration. Got her that top we saw in Gap. I said I knew she couldn’t wear it now, but, judging by what you read in magazines, there’s a good chance she’ll have another boyfriend in her lifetime and he might like orange.

I could hardly believe it but when I checked the mailbox this afternoon there were
four
letters for Aunt K! (This represents a definite deluge!) Ms Staples said hadn’t she told me this would happen? I said I’d never really doubted her but
she
knew better than anyone that the
Creative Spirit
is v sensitive and easily demoralized (great artists and writers are known for self-mutilation, suicide and drinking themselves to death – and what is that but the cry for help of a
Delicate Soul
?). Ms Staples said she never really thought of writing an agony column as requiring a great amount of
Creativity
(so even
she
has her limitations!). I said I didn’t really see much difference between writing a story, a poem, or a letter to Spotty and Desperate. Not that these new letters are any more interesting than the others, of course. I really do understand that to a person with dandruff or wobbly thighs there isn’t anything much worse that could happen, but reading all these letters has made me realize anew how shallow and trivial the lives of most people are. (And I thought it was just
MY
family!) Ms Staples said my column has certainly generated a lot of interest. I said good advice is much more relevant to people’s lives than poems about dusk in Indonesia, isn’t it? She said not only among the student body. Apparently Old Woolly Jumper wants a word with her.

As you know, I have nothing but respect and admiration for Ms Staples, so you can imagine how
SHOCKED
I was today to discover that she’s a snitch! She told Mr Cardogan who Aunt K is! She said she had no choice. So the upshot was that
I
had to go and see him!!! Old Woolly Jumper and I are not unacquainted, of course, but our meetings have always been about things like lateness and talking at the same time as a teacher. Mr Cardogan started out by telling me how brilliant the magazine is and how proud he is of all of us. Then he went on to praise my column for being so practical and down-to-earth. He said he was pleasantly surprised. I said, “Really?” He said he’d always thought I had a rather flamboyant imagination. I said having a
Passionate Heart and Soul
didn’t mean you don’t know how to change a fuse. He said he also liked my sense of humour. I was just starting to think that I’d been worried over nothing when Old Woolly Jumper let me have it. He wanted to know if I was aware that there were rumours
FLYING ALL OVER THE PLACE
since my column came out. I said a school is like a village – there are always rumours flying about. He said not about one of his teachers going out with a student, there aren’t. I said if he’d read my column he’d know that Aunt K pooh-poohed the whole teacher idea and suggested that the mysterious boyfriend might be something much worse, like a traveller or a Womble. He said he accepted that I wasn’t personally responsible for the gossip but he would appreciate it in future if I stuck to things like diets and skincare. I said would Life? Would Life content itself with the odd spot and the need for garlic? I said I didn’t think so. He said he’d like us both to try. I said I’d see what I could do, of course. But I have
ABSOLUTELY
no intention of letting Aunt K be threatened or bullied by the reactionary forces of the Establishment. Freedom of the press is at stake!!! Disha wanted to know what Old Woolly Jumper wanted. I said he was wondering if I would like to do an interview with him for the magazine.

On a more positive note, Aunt K had
FIVE
more letters today! One Fat Bum, one Small Breasts, one My Boyfriend Would Rather Hang Out with His Mates Than with Me, one The Only Films My Boyfriend Wants to See Are Thrillers and one My Boyfriend Says I Talk Too Much (
Answers: Learn to live with it
and
Dump him
). It made me think once again about how
très
IRONIC
life is. I mean, I’ve worked really hard for years (or at least months!) trying to write fiction with little success (though Ms Staples did have a lot of good things to say about the story I wrote in the spring) – and now here I am excelling at
NON-FICTION
. What if it is genetic? What if I’ve inherited psychoanalytical skills from Sigmund (even though he doesn’t really have that many) when my
Heart and Soul
cries out to be a novelist – or maybe an artist or poet? Am I to be
thwarted and frustrated
because of a mere accident of birth?

There
MUST
be a blue moon tonight! Got Disha to come with me, David, Marcus and Flynn after school to the new
très
trendy café by the canal as a late birthday treat for her. (Apparently Ethan’s working.) You can sit outdoors (
YES
– even in
ENGLAND
!!!) all year long because they’ve got heaters and umbrellas. Marcus said you have to hand it to British ingenuity and Flynn said he reckoned it was more likely to be American technology because Americans like to improve
EVERYTHING
but the British have always just muddled through and made do. We were mucking about, having a few laughs, when I thought I saw Ethan walk past. I said, “Hey, there’s Ethan!” Flynn and Marcus both swung round like turnstiles, but Disha said it wasn’t him. I said I was sure it was and she should go after him and bring him over, but she was
ADAMANT
. She said she thought she’d be able to pick her own boyfriend out of a crowd. Marcus said he was beginning to doubt that this bloke actually exists. Flynn said maybe he’s the Invisible Australian. Disha said she had to go.

It’s a sad and galling fact of my life that ever since I was little, the small, dull minds of my relatives have constantly accused me of having
TOO MUCH IMAGINATION
(as if there is such a thing, right?). Even Disha Paski (you remember her – she used to be my best friend in the universe) has been known to suggest that sometimes I get carried away. Well they can scoff
ALL THEY WANT
– guess what
I
saw today? Something that will force the doubters to think again about my instincts and judgement, that’s what!!! Flynn and I went to the high street after school to get me a driving handbook. We were walking back to mine when I saw Mr Plaget’s Beetle stopped at a light (you can’t miss it – most of it’s orange!). I was just about to wave when I realized who was sitting beside him! Oh, yes! It was none other than Catriona of-course-I-don’t-have-a-boyfriend Hendley!!! She was smiling and shaking her hair about the way she does. I pulled Flynn into a doorway so they wouldn’t see us. He wanted to know what was wrong with me. I said I’d just seen Catriona in Mr Plaget’s car. Flynn said, “
AND
?” and I said I had reason to believe that Catriona was the girl in Worried Mate’s letter. Flynn said, “And why is that?” I said, “Call it a hunch.” He said he’d rather call it a wild guess and that it was bad enough that people are whispering about poor Mr Plaget without me joining in. He is
ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN
that Mr Plaget is not going out with Catriona or any other student. I said maybe, but you don’t have to be Einstein to work out that two and two makes four, do you? Flynn said actually Einstein flunked maths, so he probably wouldn’t’ve worked it out. Flynn said the fact is that Catriona’s in Mr Plaget’s advanced calculus class and it’s not a big deal if he gives her a lift. I said I still thought it was v suspicious. Flynn wanted to know if I remembered when I thought
he
was interested in Catriona? I said
oh, that
.

The driving manual is nearly
FOUR HUNDRED PAGES LONG
!!! I really think that’s a bit harsh. I mean, how can anyone be expected to remember
EVERYTHING
that’s in it? (Especially someone who’s doing her A levels!! There is only so much space in the human brain after all!) You’d have to have a photocopier memory.

Love’s Rollercoaster
has done another deep dive. Disha rang in tears again tonight. (She’ll dehydrate if she doesn’t watch out!) She had yet another fight with Ethan. I asked what it was about this time. She said, “
NOTHING
” (between sobs!!!). Which, of course, is what she always says. I said I really didn’t think this was the way a relationship was meant to be. Not unless you’d been married for a while. I said was she sure she was in
Love
and not just having a
nervous breakdown
? Disha said nothing that was really worth having was ever easy. I said a lot of things that weren’t worth having (like AIDS) weren’t easy either. Disha said that’s what she loves about me, I always make her laugh. I said it didn’t sound to me like she was laughing – unless it was through her tears. I said why won’t she
TELL ME
what’s going on? She said it’s really no big deal. Also, I wouldn’t understand (she obviously doesn’t know
WHO
she’s talking to!!!). And she already knows what I’d say. I said I don’t see how
she
could know when
I
don’t.

Flynn has finally paid his father back for the parking ticket, so he took me shopping for party supplies in the car this afternoon. It’s so long since I’ve been in a real supermarket that the lighting, etc. practically made me
SWOON
! It was weird to be totally engulfed in food and not actually be able to smell any of it. Flynn said he never noticed. I started reading the labels on everything (it’s
ASTOUNDING
how even someone with a strong character like mine can be influenced without even realizing it!). Flynn wanted to know what I was doing. I said I was just checking for sugar and GM soya, etc. Flynn said I was mad. He said even crisps have sugar in them and if I kept that up we wouldn’t have
ANYTHING
to eat. Dropping Buskin’ Bob’s standards, we filled a whole trolley with unsuitable soft drinks and snacks!!! Then we went to the party shop and got balloons (black and purple) and streamers (also black and purple). And then we went to the cheap place across from the tube to get prizes. The MC noticed the carrier bags right off. She immediately started going on about how I was destroying the market stalls and small grocers of London. I said, “It’s my party and I’ll buy where I want to.” Flynn thought that was
HILARIOUS
but the Mad Cow didn’t even crack a smile. Flynn said he’d come round tomorrow to help me blow up the balloons, etc. I decided not to mention that Marcus is coming too in case he gets in one of his moods (I don’t know why it’s women who have a reputation for being temperamental – I find blokes v touchy!).

Told Disha about seeing Catriona with Mr Plaget. Disha thinks I should dedicate my brain to science. She said it’d distract them from human cloning for centuries trying to work it out. I said Flynn saw them too (which he would’ve if he’d been looking). I said they seemed to be having a good time. D said he was probably just giving her a lift, which isn’t a crime in this country yet. I said a lift to
where
? Disha said a lift
home
.

Sometimes it almost surprises even me how I’m always right (though I do realize, of course, that I’m lucky to be so intuitive!). This afternoon Disha discovered that Lila and the Hendley have had a
MAJOR FALLING-OUT
!!!! I’m willing to concede that Mr Plaget
might
just have happened to give Catriona a lift home because she broke her foot leaving the school grounds or something, but not when at the
VERY SAME TIME
Catriona and Lila have stopped speaking. I mean, really – how can that be a coincidence? Catriona must’ve worked out who Worried Mate is. Disha said that wasn’t what Lila told
her
. Lila said it was over something Lila borrowed that she can’t find to give back. Pull the other one, that’s what I say. Flynn, of course, agreed with Disha. He asked if it had ever occurred to me that the letter might not be about Catriona? I said no.

It’s been
GO
!
GO
!
GO
! all day, but I have to
STOP
for just a few minutes to tell you what happened now because I’m
V UPSET
!!! (Now I know how that woman who found a tarantula in her bunch of bananas must’ve felt! Surprise doesn’t even
BEGIN
to cover it!) Flynn, Marcus and I were putting up fairy lights in the living-room (Marcus’s idea – so they’ll look like stars!) when the phone rang. It was Disha. She said she was
REALLY
,
REALLY
sorry but she’s not going to be able to come tonight because she’s got the worst period pains any woman has ever had since time began. I couldn’t believe she was using the old cramps excuse on
ME OF ALL PEOPLE
!!! I practically invented it! I said why didn’t she just take a painkiller? She said she’s been eating them like sweets but they don’t help. I said what about a hot-water bottle? She said that didn’t work either. I said what about Ethan? Wasn’t he looking forward to meeting everyone? She said had I forgotten that they’d had a fight? And anyway, he has to work. I said so why can’t she come on her own? She said because she’s got the worse period pains any woman has ever had since time began. I was
TOO
hurt and angry to argue. I said well, thanks for the birthday surprise and slammed down the phone! Then I burst into tears. Flynn and Marcus were v comforting. Flynn said maybe Disha really is in pain (she would be if she’d told me to my face!). I said yeah and maybe there’s a flock of pigs flying over London. I said I knew she was lying. Flynn said not to let this ruin the party for me. He gave me a hug. Marcus said you’ve still got
US
. He gave me a hug too. I put on a brave face and said of course I wouldn’t let the petty insanity of Disha Paski destroy my big day. But I was lying. How can I enjoy myself when my
Best Friend
has dumped me
ON MY BIRTHDAY
?!! I know, of course, that you can’t rely on anyone in this world, but I never dreamed that included Disha! I’ll get dressed and put a smile on my face, but I’ll be crying on the inside. (The dark, bitter tears of wisdom!)