Planet Janet in Orbit (6 page)

Went into the kitchen for a cup of tea to take to bed with me while I wrote in you and remembered that I’d been ordered to
GET ALL THOSE DISHES OUT OF THE SINK
. Really didn’t feel up to it – but also didn’t feel up to another hysterical scene (the
Power of Love
DOES NOT
include chilling out hormonally imbalanced women!). Luckily had one of my brilliant ideas. Stuck them all in the broom cupboard and it only took a minute! Sometimes I think Sappho’s right and it really is hard to believe that God isn’t a woman.

Came out to breakfast this morning to find Buskin’ Bob tucking into a bowl of muesli (yes,
REALLY
!). He was dressed (thank God), but he didn’t have any shoes on. The MC told me not to look so shocked. I said I wasn’t shocked; I was just surprised, since I hadn’t been told he was staying over. The MC gave Robert the sort of long-suffering look she used to give Sigmund. I went to the cupboard to get my cereal but there wasn’t any. I said I thought she’d been shopping and she said she’s not buying anything made by Nestlé any more because of the Third World (I didn’t ask). She said I could have muesli (what am I – a horse?). I fixed myself some toast (
WHOLEMEAL
!). I could feel Robert watching me while I was waiting for the toaster. He wanted to know what brand my trainers were. Sadly, I made the mistake of telling him. He went on for sixteen minutes (I timed him!) about sweatshops and things of that ilk. When he finally shut up, I said, “Thank God I’m wearing cotton and not fur or we’d be here till lunch.” This was another
BIG
MISTAKE
. Apparently the other place besides Durango where slaves are still used is in the cotton industry. Thank God, the phone rang in the middle of this fascinating insight into corporate greed. Saved by the bell!!!

It was Disha to tell me about her date. Apparently there has never been such a brilliant night in the history of dating. Ethan’s handsome, Ethan’s smart, Ethan’s kind, Ethan’s funny, Ethan’s sensitive… I asked if he’d hired her to be his press agent and she laughed. I asked if that meant she’d be seeing him again? She said she’d like someone to try and stop her. Apparently he feels the same about her. They’ve got another date this afternoon! [Note to self: Ask Sigmund what the opposite of
schadenfreude
is. You know – when you’re
not
happy about something good happening to someone else.]

Rang Flynn to see if he wanted to have another go at finding the Last English Village, but he’s been banned from using the car. I said what’d you do, drive into a police van? He got a parking ticket. Apparently Flynn’s dad
HAS NEVER
had a parking ticket in his life! So Flynn’s back on the buses of London until he pays his father back for the fine – which is pretty much like saying he’s not going anywhere.

Tonight Sigmund rang to say he’s been thinking about me learning to drive and he’s decided he’ll give me lessons after all. It’ll be something we can do together. I joked that the last time we did something together was the father-daughter three-legged race at the school fête when he broke his ankle. He said he reckoned we were both older and wiser now (which, if Disha’s right, means that this time it won’t take twenty-four hours before he realizes he broke his ankle!).

Disha spent the day with Ethan
AGAIN
. I asked her if this meant she was in
Love
, and she said she wasn’t sure but whatever it is feels fantastic (not if you have to listen to it, it doesn’t). My morale and energy levels depleted by my
LONG
and
TEDIOUS
hours in
Hell’s Kitchen
, I gave in and went to visit Sappho and Mags with the MC (Buskin’ Bob must’ve been out saving the mongoose or something). They’ve both gone so mad about this baby that they’ve turned the spare room into a nursery! Which, of course, we had to examine every centimetre of. (I’d rather be doing the tour of the Kilburn squat!!!) Then we had to look at every item of clothing they’d bought for this kid, including the nappies (how fascinating is that?!!). Has every woman I know suddenly taken leave of her senses? Sappho dragged me into the kitchen to help her make the tea. It was a ploy, of course. What she really wanted was to know what I thought of Buskin’ Bob. I said he seems OK. She said she and Mags think he’s terrific. I said then it’s too bad one of them couldn’t have him as a boyfriend. I reckon he’d be v useful in choosing politically-correct baby gear. Sappho said I sounded a bit put out. I said
I AM NOT PUT OUT
, but just because the MC’s besotted with the Corporate Avenger doesn’t mean that I have to be. I said one woman’s knight in shining armour is another woman’s repetitive stress syndrome. I was v glad when our visit was over. Though not for long, of course. Now that I’ll be learning to drive, I feel I should start paying close attention when someone else is driving. The MC said if I was going to be a back-seat driver I could at least sit in the back. (It’s incredible, isn’t it? Buskin’ Bob tells her what’s wrong with her toothpaste –
A LOT
apparently! – and her washing-up liquid and she’s off buying crap made from wild herbs, but if I just say one little thing about not paying enough attention to what’s up ahead she goes berserk!) I turned my attention to the car itself after that – which is why I noticed we were almost out of petrol. She was totally humiliated last time she ran out of petrol and called the AA because she thought something was wrong with the car. Since I’d already been told off once for trying to help, I let her go past two petrol stations before I asked why she didn’t stop. She said she was boycotting Esso. This had
ROBERT
written all over it, of course, so I didn’t ask for any of the gory details. We drove on. But trust Buskin’ Bob to pick the biggest chain in the universe to boycott! The MC said he didn’t choose it, Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth did. I said it didn’t seem to me there was any point, since it wasn’t going to do any good. She said that’s where I was wrong. Many companies, including Nike and McDonald’s, have changed their policies because of public pressure. I said well, I didn’t see why she couldn’t go to Esso just this once – as it was an
EMERGENCY
. She said I was old enough to understand the importance of principles. Apparently principles, like puppies, are not just for Christmas. You don’t just have them when they’re convenient (I never noticed that this bothered her before!). We ran out of petrol at a traffic light about five minutes after it started pissing down. Then – even though it was
ALL HER FAULT
– she made me get out of the car and help her push it to the kerb! This is the first time I’ve been grateful it’s a Mini and not a real car.

Now when Saduki asks me if I’ll work an extra shift, I automatically say
NO
. Before, I always said yes because I wanted him to think I was keen and hard-working so he’d put me on nights. But now that Ethan and Disha are
AN ITEM
, I don’t see the point. I hear enough about their relationship from her without getting it from him too. Rang D to see if she wanted to do something, but
SURPRISE SURPRISE
she’s already doing something with Super Waiter. [Note to self: I will
NEVER
abandon
My Best Friend
for a man. I think it’s v immature.] I said didn’t she think she should slow down a bit? I mean, she doesn’t want to get really serious about someone from Australia. What if he goes home? Is she planning to move
there
? She said
WHY NOT
? I can think of quite a few v good reasons, a lot of which are poisonous spiders. I reminded her of that advert. I said that personally I’d think twice about living somewhere that sees itself as a nation where a man would sleep with his best friend’s wife but not drink his last beer. Then I said, “What about sex?” She said, “What about it?” I said, “You know, has he asked you yet?” She said, “I’ve only been going out with him for a couple of days, for God’s sake.” I said, “Exactly. But already you’re thinking of emigrating.” She said I didn’t understand!

Went to the V&A with Marcus. He says he likes the V&A because he finds it v inspiring, but if you ask me he likes it because there’s no entrance fee. Marcus wanted to know if I’m
absolutely
certain I don’t want to go on a proper date sometime. I said I’m positive. I said I value his friendship too much to risk ruining it by exchanging saliva. What I didn’t tell him was that Ethan and Disha have opened my eyes (in more ways than one!). Marcus doesn’t inspire the feelings in me that Ethan obviously inspires in D. Apparently Ethan makes Disha feel like dancing among the stars. Marcus makes me feel like having a nice cup of tea – and maybe a couple of biscuits.

Nan came over for supper tonight to meet the Eco Balladeer. As per usual, Nan immediately went into Jesus mode. Buskin’ Bob didn’t blink. He said he reckoned that if Jesus were alive now He’d be a vegetarian, ride a bicycle, not buy anything that isn’t fairly traded, boycott all companies that support oppressive régimes and grow His own vegetables (now who does that remind me of?!!). I expected Nan to argue, like she usually does, but instead she
TOTALLY
agreed! (I looked out the window to see if the moon had turned blue, but it was raining.) Apparently Nan’s joined some new Bible group that sees Jesus as a rebel. Nan said Jesus had a lot to say about wealth and money, etc. and was v anti-materialistic. Robert said all the Great Teachers were like that because they understood what is truly important. (I thought Nan was going to hug him on that one!) Nan said that the more she learns about Christ and His teachings, the more she realizes that it’s easier to call yourself a Christian than actually be one. Robert said this was
TOO TRUE
, and called her Rose! (I didn’t even know that was her name. The MC always calls her Mum; Geek Boy and I always call her Nan; and Sigmund calls her either Mother or – when she’s not in earshot – The Thirteenth Disciple.) Nan said her Bible group is really opening her eyes to the injustices in the world. Buskin’ Bob said that between 30,000 and 35,000 children die every day of preventable poverty-related causes. He said he reckoned that if Jesus came back now, He’d be an anti-globalist. Nan said she didn’t know about that but He’d certainly be pissed off.

I was just congratulating myself on finally getting the hang of this waiter lark (I’d been on
ONE WHOLE HOUR
and I hadn’t mixed up an order, dropped anything or had an argument with
ANYONE
!) when Flynn and David strolled in. (Of all the joints in all the world, right?) To tell the truth, I was actually glad to see them. But wary. I sidled up to them in my best professional waiter mode and asked them what they thought they were doing. David said they thought they were having lunch. I said not in Durango they weren’t. Flynn said it’s a free country. Not according to Robert and Sappho, it isn’t. But I wasn’t about to argue that right then. I said if they gave me
ANY
trouble they’d only live long enough to regret it. Flynn said they weren’t trying to get me fired, they just thought it would be a bit of a laugh. I gave them the table way at the back by the kitchen, tucked in behind the fireplace so Saduki wouldn’t see them. David asked me what I recommended. I said the Thai place across the road. This made us all laugh. Flynn said there must be
SOMETHING
on the menu that was good and I said that none of the beverages had been known to kill anyone yet. Then David spotted Sky. He said, “She’s a bit fit! Are they real?” I said, “What, her feet?” (She has
ENORMOUS
feet as well!) That made us all laugh too. Flynn and David agreed that all the blokes in the kitchen looked like they had rap sheets as long as your arm. David said he hoped none of them had been charged with poisoning and Flynn said you definitely wouldn’t want to send anything back. More laughter. For the first time since I started, I actually enjoyed myself. And they gave me the biggest tip ever! I was feeling almost happy by the end of my shift – but happiness is v fleeting, isn’t it? The Dorito Bandito grabbed me as I was leaving. He said what did he tell me about my friends coming by? I said they were eating. He said I’m not meant to
FRATERNIZE
! I took exception to this, of course. If you ask me, the whole deal with being a waiter is that you fraternize. I’m meant to make the customers feel that they’re on to a good thing and not suspect that
Satan’s chef and his henchmen
have been done for criminal damage. I said that as far as I could work out I was the person who made people glad they’d come here instead of staying home and cooking for themselves. Saduki wouldn’t listen, of course. Blah blah blah. I was practically shaking with the
INJUSTICE
of it all. So I
QUIT
!!! Just like that! I threw his stupid tie at him and said, “In the words of Bart Simpson, I’m outta here!” It was a truly liberating moment. It wasn’t until I got home that I wondered if Sappho has had more of an influence on me than I’d thought.

Disha said she was proud of me for lasting as long as I did at Durango. She said Ethan said Saduki makes Captain Bligh look caring and compassionate. I said now that I’m freed from my bondage we can hang out more, and D said, “Um.” I said, “What does that mean? Only if Ethan’s abducted by aliens?” D said it’s just that she doesn’t have that much time to see him, since he works so much, etc. And he gets a bit funny when she suggests hanging out with someone else. I said what do you mean
funny
? She said
YOU KNOW
. I said you don’t mean
JEALOUS
?
OF
ME
? She said not really jealous, but she can tell he doesn’t like it. He thinks I’m a bit of a flirt!!! If you ask me, she’s making it up. She just doesn’t want me to think she’s the sort of
shallow and superficial
person who dumps her mates the minute she’s got a boyfriend (the sort of person she
USED TO SAY SHE HATED
!!!).