Planet Janet in Orbit (13 page)

I feel better already! It’s so good that I decided to write a second letter. This one’s from Scared of My Own Shadow. It’s meant to be from someone who has been so affected by all the things there are to worry about in the world that she’s afraid to go anywhere or do anything. It takes all the strength she has to go to school. Not only is she afraid of all the things everybody else is worried about (car accidents, plane crashes, tornadoes, cholesterol, etc.) but she worries about pianos falling out of windows and things like that. Aunt K says:

Handed in my copy for
ISSUE ONE
to Ms Staples today, who immediately turned it over to our Editor-in-Chief – who has decided to let Power go to her head! Apparently Catriona (she may write poetry but obviously has the soul of a bureaucrat!) was a bit bothered about the letter from Worried Mate. She reckoned that Old Woolly Jumper, the teachers’ unions and the Minister of Education might be upset about accusing a teacher of professional misconduct. I pointed out to Ms Staples that no one was accusing anybody of anything. All Worried Mate was saying was that she
thinks
it
might
be a teacher because her friend’s being
SO
secretive. Also, it’s not like this sort of thing doesn’t happen all the time, is it? There are precedents! But Ms Staples said she wasn’t certain we should start out with a major controversy. What if we edited the letter a bit to leave out the part about the teacher? I could tell that, besides not wanting to be sued or lose her job or anything like that, Ms Staples wanted to appease Catriona and not let her feel that she isn’t in charge (blessed are the peacemakers, as Nan would say!). I said I wasn’t sure that was ethical. And how can my readers be encouraged to write about their real problems if we won’t print them? Ms Staples said I had a point. She said in that case what if Aunt K suggested one or two other reasons why the friend was lying, etc. I said I could live with that.

Question:
HOW BLIND IS A GIRL WHO WILL NOT SEE
?

Answer:
VERY
!!!

Just as I was drifting off to sleep last night I practically fell out of bed when a new thought hit me like an out-of-control juggernaut! Suddenly I
KNEW
why Catriona didn’t want to publish Worried Mate’s letter. And not because it might upset Old Woolly Jumper either! Because it’s
ABOUT HER
!!! I mean, really, how many girls can there be in
one
school who are secretly dating a man they don’t want their parents to find out about? (Especially in my school – I read the letters!). Told Disha I’ve been giving more thought to Catriona’s
Secret Love
and it occurred to me that it might be a teacher. Disha said, “Which teacher?” I said I hadn’t got as far as thinking about
WHO
it might be; it was just a thought. Disha said if anyone fancied a teacher at our school it would have to be Mr Plaget, since he’s young, single and attractive. All the other male teachers are either old, married, attractive only if they’re being compared to trolls, or all three. That’s when another lorry of thought crashed into me and my brain lit up like Piccadilly Circus! I told D about seeing the Hendley and Mr Plaget leaving school together. Disha said
SO
? Was a student and teacher walking together meant to be
UNUSUAL
? Disha doesn’t believe that Mr Plaget would put his career on the line to date Catriona, esp. with her media connections. Since my own personal experience includes Sigmund putting his marriage on the line to date a woman with twins and a psychotic husband, I find this less impossible than D does. But it is v shocking!!! I’ve always liked Mr Plaget. I would’ve thought he’s too smart to fall for someone as obnoxious as the Hendley. But Disha is right about one thing – there
is
no one else! Must keep a sharp eye out! [Note to self: Why do even intelligent men always fall for the wrong women?]

The
Rollercoaster of Love
has finally started its descent! (And
NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON
, if you ask me.) Disha and Ethan had a fight!!! She was all quiet and moody at lunch, and then she asked me if I wanted to sleep over. I said I thought she always saw Ethan on Friday nights and that’s when she said they’re not exactly speaking. I asked her what happened, and she said it was something that wasn’t worth discussing. As soon as we got to her room she lit up a cigarette. I reminded her that she doesn’t smoke any more. She said she didn’t
usually
but she was feeling a bit stressed. I said I didn’t see how getting lung cancer was going to make her feel less stressed. I said, “So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” and she said, “
NOTHING
.” Then she started to cry. I said she ought to be angry, not miserable. She wanted to know how I could say that when I didn’t even know what had happened. (Well, I
WOULD
know if someone would tell me!) I said because she isn’t the sort of person to argue over something stupid like how to boil water (Sigmund and the MC have had several fights about that one!). So it must be something Ethan did. She said it wasn’t really anything he
did
– it was more that they have different views of things. I said well, of course they do. He’s a boy and she’s a girl – what did she expect?

Got home to find the MC scrubbing round the bathroom taps with a toothbrush. I asked if this was some sort of post-menopausal symptom or if the Queen was coming round. She said Marcella made an unkind remark about her housekeeping standards last time and she didn’t want it repeated. I said you mean the Hotspurettes are coming
HERE
?
AGAIN
? She said she’d told me. Wanted to go back to Disha’s but the Mad Cow mooed and
PUT HER HOOF DOWN
(right on
ME
, as per usual!). I tried to explain that Disha’s in a state of emotional turmoil brought on by love and needs me. The MC said that Disha can look forward to many unhappy years of emotional turmoil brought on by love, so I’ll have plenty more opportunities to be supportive – today it’s
her
turn. She said she’d told them I’d take them to Camden market. Apparently they’d like that. (Please note that she didn’t tell
ME
I was taking them to the market and obviously doesn’t care that
I
won’t like it. And I thought it was the stepchildren who were meant to be treated like second-class citizens!). Immediately rang Disha and got her to come along. She said at least it would take her mind off her aching, breaking heart. Which wasn’t true, of course. If you ask me, there’s nothing short of a nuclear war that could take Disha’s mind off her bleedin’ heart. She was in
ABSOLUTE
Zombie Girl
mode all afternoon. She wasn’t crying (miraculously!), but she looked like that was only because she had no tears left. She clutched her mobe the whole time we were out, just in case Ethan rang to apologize (but for
WHAT
?!!). And she didn’t really speak (unless you count the occasional grunt and nod – which I don’t). Being terminally
SELF-ABSORBED
themselves, the Deadly Duo didn’t notice Disha’s state. Marcella kept up a running commentary on everything we saw (the child’s like walking background music!), and Lucrezia held up her end by throwing a
MAJOR
hissy fit because she wanted to buy a blue top like the one Marcella bought in green, only they didn’t have it in blue. Walked off and left her to it but she came straight after us, screaming that
EVERYONE ELSE
gets what they want! (How can this child possibly be related to Buskin’ Bob?) I said that actually it isn’t true that everyone else gets what they want. I said that
MOST OF THE PEOPLE
in the world don’t even get what they really need – never mind what they want. She said I sounded just like her father and kicked me! Through all this Disha was constantly testing her phone to make sure it was working and said nothing. Only when we were leaving the market did D say it seemed to her that Lucrezia has some behavioural problems. I said she couldn’t imagine how grateful I was to have her point that out to me. Disha went home (presumably to cry, or at least moan in anguish, in the privacy of her room), and the Deadly Duo and I went to get a video. Lucrezia got to pick because she screams loudest. (Marcella says there’s no point arguing with Lucrezia because even if you win she’ll ruin it for you. I asked if she doesn’t find her sister
EXHAUSTING
and she said yes. I felt really sorry for Marcella even though she never stops talking. I know how much
I
suffer from being the sister of Justin Bandry – but on the list of Most Irksome Siblings in the Universe he’s
WAY
below Lucrezia Hotspur. He’s like a goldfish next to her shark!) Marcella and I played backgammon after supper while Lucrezia watched her film and Buskin’ Bob and the MC sat in the kitchen drinking wine and singing “Big Yellow Taxi” and “He’s Only a Hobo” over and over. (I’m surprised the neighbours don’t call the cops – I was v tempted to call them myself.) I learned a lot about Marcella’s mother the actress and her stepfather the entrepreneur. Apparently they’re v busy
ALL THE TIME
(being on telly and making money). That’s why the Deadly Duo go to boarding school in the week. Marcella said that although Buskin’ Bob is a pain in the bum about what you can eat, etc., at least he hangs out with them. I said what about the guitar? Marcella said she’s learned to live with it. If you ask me, it’s like learning to live underwater.

Catriona was banging on about her costume for my party today. She’s coming as a belly dancer – even though she doesn’t actually have a belly. (It’s a good thing I didn’t decide to have a Middle Eastern theme for my party or
all
the really slim girls would’ve come as belly dancers and I would’ve wound up being an aubergine!) Anyway, the Hendley’s monologue reminded me that I haven’t done anything about my own costume yet! I’m going as Trinity from
The Matrix
(thanks to the Dark Phase,
BLACK
is something I can do!). Disha doesn’t know what she’s going to be yet. I said it is only a little over
TWO WEEKS
away you know. She said that was plenty of time. I said only if you’re planning to come as a twenty-first-century teenager. Marcus and Flynn are being
v secretive
about their costumes. They both want theirs to be a surprise.

Woke up in the middle of the night with
THE MOST AWFUL
thought in my head. What if the MC invites Buskin’ Bob to my party? Even worse – what if he decides he’s the entertainment? (One chorus of “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” and my social life wouldn’t be toast, it’d be the crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. I could never live it down!) Had a word with the MC over the organic muesli this morning. She gets all huffy if you say anything even the teensiest bit critical of Buskin’ Bob, so all I said (
très
casually) was, was she planning to see him next weekend? She said he’s taking the Deadly Duo camping and since she has no intention of leaving the party without a chaperone she’s not going with them. (Apparently she made that mistake when Justin was my age and came home to find the police on the doorstep. I think she’s making it up. I have
NO
memory of this
AT ALL
! You can see what I have to deal with here, can’t you?) Then she wanted to know why I wanted to know. I said no reason.

The
Rollercoaster of Love
has peaked again. Apparently Disha and the Wizard of Oz have made up (oh,
JOY
!!!). She was all bubbly and happy and talking again today. Of course, since she only seems to have one topic of conversation when she isn’t depressed into silence, it was all about Ethan. Blah blah blah… I think I liked it better when they’d fallen out.