Planet Janet in Orbit (19 page)

Despite yesterday’s argument about the recycling, it looks to me like my little plan is working
très
brilliantly. As soon as we got back to the
House of Horror
Sigmund went straight into the kitchen for yet another cup of tea!!! The MC didn’t bat an eyelid! She said, “Bad Day at Black Rock?” Sigmund said teaching me to drive made the Gunfight at the OK Corral look like a church picnic. I laughed too. I do feel it’s important for them to have their little jokes if they’re going to patch things up.

Mr Belakis kept the art room open after class, so Marcus and I worked on our art projects all afternoon. I was going to do one of those traditional portraits with everyone posed in their good clothes, but though my family don’t think very much they do move about a lot, so I’m making it more active. Marcus was v impressed with my depiction of Nan lobbing the balloon at the police van. We got so absorbed in our work that the only three cars left in the car park when Mr Belakis finally threw us out were Mr Belakis’s Volvo, Mr Plaget’s Beetle and Mr Tulliver’s Kawasaki. Ran into Catriona on the way out. Even though nobody asked her, she insisted on telling us how she’d had to stay late to work on the magazine
AGAIN
. Apparently the job of Editor-in-Chief is
NEVER DONE
. She said I must be deliriously happy that I’m just a feature writer – or will be if I ever write a feature. I said I was. I said I feel there are
FAR MORE
important things in life than correcting punctuation.

We haven’t seen much of Nan lately because she’s always busy with her Bible group, but this weekend she’s going on a retreat with them and has dumped Mr Kipling on
US
. What with Marcella and Lucrezia popping up whenever they want, the Bandry residence has become a wildlife refuge. I asked Nan why Mr Kipling couldn’t go with her – she usually takes him
EVERYWHERE
. Apparently the Bible group already has a dog and Mr Kipling doesn’t like dogs. I would’ve got a dog myself if I’d known that. It would’ve saved me
HOURS
of scraping cat hair off my things.

Marcus is about to start the part of his painting where his grandparents come to England and wanted to check out the light on a rainy autumn afternoon, so we went to the park. Apparently his grandparents used to hang out there when they first came over because the trees reminded them of home. (Either my image of Jamaica is
COMPLETELY
wrong or Marcus’s grandparents were v lonely!) Ran into Mr Plaget under an umbrella. We would’ve walked right past him but I recognized his ratty old sneakers (mathematicians don’t care about their appearance – Einstein used to turn up for important dinners in his pyjamas). The Beetle had broken down and he was taking a short cut home. Marcus wanted to know if I didn’t think that was a little odd? I said not at all. Our car was as old as Mr Plaget’s and it was
ALWAYS
breaking down. Marcus said not
that
– the fact that Mr Plaget was walking home instead of ringing the AA. I said I thought that was pretty rich coming from him since he’s always telling
ME
not to leap to the wrong conclusion. I said there could be a dozen reasons why he was walking. Marcus said he’d buy me a coffee if I could name even five. I had a mocha latte.

It’s been one of those six-of-one, half-a-dozen-of-the-other days (and which days aren’t, right?). The first part was
très
brilliant. The second issue of the mag sold out by lunchtime.
EVERYBODY
was talking about Aunt K. Even Old Woolly Jumper gave me a knowing smile when I passed him in the corridor. That and the
ASTOUNDING
progress the Old Folk Not Quite at Home are making (no Buskin’ Bob
ALL WEEK
!) have certainly shown those nay-sayers like my mother, who didn’t think I was a gifted problem-solver! It wasn’t until the afternoon that the day sort of fell apart. As you can imagine, I was feeling v confident with all the positive feedback. Read out the letter from Don’t Know What to Do to Disha at lunch. I said I thought it was a tricky situation. What would she do? Disha said she’d tell her. (She said this with
NO HESITATION
!) She said it was the duty of a
Best Friend
to tell the truth – esp. about something like that. So I told her about seeing Ethan with Miss Bazooms on Hallowe’en. Did she fall into my arms sobbing with gratitude? Did she cry out
OH, THANK GOD, AT LAST I KNOW THE HORRID TRUTH
? Did she thank me for being the
Best
Friend
a girl ever had?
NO, SHE DID NOT
!!! She went
COMPLETELY MAD
!!! First she was pissed off because I’d taken so long to tell her!!! She said she supposed I’d told everyone else I know and we were all laughing at her behind her back. And then she was pissed off because I’d told her at all. She said that at best I hadn’t seen what I had seen – that I’d
LEAPED TO THE WRONG CONCLUSION AS PER USUAL
– and that at worst I was making it up because I’m jealous of her happiness. I said what happiness would that be? She was usually depressed. She said I should mind my own business
FOR A CHANGE
! She said hadn’t I learned my lesson from my mistake about Catriona and Mr Plaget? (I knew I shouldn’t’ve told her about Flynn writing the letter. She’s always been a very
TOLD-YOU-SO
sort of person.) I said this was different. She said it wasn’t. She said I’ve been trying to throw a spanner in the works ever since she started seeing Ethan! I said I had not. Also, I wasn’t the only one who saw them. Marcus, Marcella and Lucrezia saw them too. She said and that means what? She said Marcella’s self-obsessed, Lucrezia’s on drugs and Marcus would say anything I told him to say. I said he would not (I couldn’t really argue with the other two objections). I said I was sorry – I was only trying to help. After all, it’s my duty as a
Best Friend
, isn’t it? Disha accepted my apology, but after that the atmosphere was a bit like Frosty the Snowman
BEFORE
the thaw. Decided to go round to Disha’s after school to patch things up. (I can see now, of course, that I should’ve left well enough alone. But I didn’t.) Ran into Flynn and Marcus on the way and they invited themselves along. I reckoned she’d be nicer to me if they were there, so I didn’t argue. Mrs Paski was just going out when we got there. She said Disha and Ethan were in the kitchen and told us to go on through. You’d think I’d turned up with a herd of wildebeest from the expression on D’s face, but Ethan acted like we were long-lost friends.
Oh, Janet, it’s been ages… Oh, Flynn and Marcus, I’ve heard so much about you
… So it was all blah blah blah until Disha started dropping hints that they wanted to be alone. As soon as we got outside, Flynn and Marcus had a go
AT ME
, of course!!! They said Ethan seemed like a nice bloke. Flynn said didn’t I say you were overreacting? Got so embroiled in this conversation that we were at the corner before I realized I’d left my schoolbag in Disha’s kitchen. Ran back to get it but I only got as far as the front door. There was such an almighty
ROW
going on inside that for a second I thought I’d stepped back in time and was listening to Sigmund and the MC! It was Ethan mainly. He was all
INCENSED
that there was something going on between Disha and
MARCUS
!!! Or maybe Disha and
FLYNN
!!! Or maybe Disha and
BOTH OF THEM
!!! I don’t know if it’s me, but
JUST
when I think I know how peculiar people can be they get worse. Then the
PENNY FINALLY DROPPED
! This explains everything! Why Disha and Ethan never hang out with the rest of us … why she didn’t come to my party … why she ran off that time we were having coffee with the lads because Ethan walked by, and then they had another fight…
HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND
? It was right there in front of me all the time and I didn’t see it!!! Sigmund was
WRONG
(as per usual). It isn’t Disha who’s
jealous and possessive
– it’s the Wizard of Oz! [Note to self: People often accuse innocent others of doing what they’re doing themselves – i.e. Ethan being jealous of Disha when all the time he was the one who was cheating. Is this to divert attention from themselves or is it because they assume everyone else is just as bad as they are?]
I WAS TOTALLY GOBSMACKED
! I just stood there with my jaw hanging like a chandelier. I felt like I’d been superglued to the Paskis’ front step. But not for long!!! I was still trying to
ABSORB
everything I’d heard when the door started to open (Ethan’s voice may carry over miles but his footsteps are silent as a moth’s!). It’s a bloody good thing that I’m used to thinking on my feet, that’s all I can say! I was in Mrs Paski’s herbaceous border faster than a flea on a cat! Ethan slammed the door behind him (so anyone who’d missed his shrieking would know he was angry) and strode down the path. I wasn’t breathing but I was praying. I reminded God that my Nan is a v close friend of His and begged Him to make Ethan go in the opposite direction to Marcus and Flynn. For once, He was listening! The first thing the lads said when I got back to them was, “Why have you got leaves in your hair?” The second was, “
SO WHERE’S YOUR BAG
?” I said it was a
Hostage to Love
!

Tried ringing Disha when I got home but her mobe was off and no one answered the landline. I kept calling, “Disha! Disha! It’s
ME
!” on the answerphone but she wouldn’t pick up. All I got was Mr Paski’s voice telling me to please leave a message and someone would ring me back as soon as possible. I suppose she could’ve suddenly had to go to Moscow or been kidnapped by pirates because D
didn’t ring back
. I left six messages and then gave up. (It makes you think about progress, doesn’t it? Here we are at the pinnacle of civilization and all it means is that you get to humiliate yourself by leaving messages for someone who’s probably standing right there staring at the answering machine while pretending to be too busy to talk to you!) This is what happens when you listen to others!!! If I’d told Disha what I knew about Ethan right off, I could at least have saved her a couple more weeks of needless
suffering
. But
OH, NO
– I succumbed to peer pressure like everyone else. Have been in a deep and reflective mood all night. I can’t believe that all this
drama and trauma
has been going on
for months
and Disha didn’t tell me! I’m her
Best Friend
!!! She’s always told me
EVERYTHING
!!! And when I say
EVERYTHING
I
mean
EVERYTHING
! (Who was the person she rang when the string broke on the tampon that time? That’s right, it was Janet Bandry!) I feel like we’re in a play together, but we’re working from different scripts.

Marcus just rang to see if I’d talked to Disha. I said she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me! He said I shouldn’t take it personally. After all, she just had a
MAJOR
fight with her boyfriend so she’s probably too upset to talk to anyone. I said she’s always just had a major fight with her boyfriend. Also,
I’M HER BEST MATE
! Marcus said people in
Love
don’t have best mates until
after
the relationship’s over (which even in my distraught state I thought was a
très
profound thing to say – must remember it for Aunt K!).

Woke up with a
GINORMOUS
sense of responsibility re Disha. I felt it was time we had a
SERIOUS
conversation about her and Ethan. I had to make her see that Ethan’s jealousy doesn’t mean that he loves her – it just means he’s
jealous
. Also, she’s obviously in desperate need of some female support. Didn’t even ring to tell her I was coming to collect my schoolbag, but just turned up at her door. Mrs Paski said that D was still in bed but it was about time she rose to greet the day and I should go up. Disha was dressed but lying on her bed as if it was made of nails, smoking a cigarette. She was all red-eyed and gloomy (for a change!). I said if she didn’t stop puffing away like a chimney in winter she’s going to have a lot more to worry about than just love, and she gave me this
UGLY
look and said, “
WHAT DO
YOU
WANT? HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH ALREADY
?” I said, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She said, “Bringing Marcus and Flynn round like that when you knew it was a Friday and Ethan would be there.” I said I had forgotten about that (which was
TRUE
!). I said and anyway, I didn’t think it would be a big deal since I’d
HAD NO IDEA
that the reason she never brought Ethan round was because he’s jealous and possessive. Disha said, “
WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT
?!!” (
IT ABSOLUTELY DEFIES BELIEF
!!!) I told her what made me say that. I said that since I’d heard them arguing yesterday I’d been v worried about her. I said it sounded to me like Ethan has some unresolved issues (as in
he’s out of his mind
). She said so now I was an
EAVESDROPPER
as well! (I didn’t ask as well as what?!!) I said I wasn’t eavesdropping; the way they were screaming I would’ve heard them in Iceland. We went back and forth like a tennis ball at Wimbledon and then she
TOLD ME TO LEAVE
! She said she never wants to speak to me again
EVER
– not even if we’re reincarnated as giraffes a thousand years from now and I know where the best trees are. Came home and cried all afternoon! This is the most
MEGA
fight we’ve had since I lost her brown velvet shirt when we were fourteen.