Planet Janet in Orbit (18 page)

Sigmund took me for a drive this afternoon. (Or rather,
I TOOK HIM
!!!) When we got in the car today, Sigmund said that we were going to leave the block. I said, “Really? You think I’m ready?” Desperate to convince me that he does have a sense of humour, Sigmund said no, he was beginning to doubt that I’ll ever be truly ready, but he was bored with driving in slow and dangerous circles for hours. He said he reckoned we’d be safe enough if we kept to the back streets. I admit that we got off to a bad start because I didn’t see the
NO ENTRY
sign (he was yammering away at me, “Look! Indicate! Manoeuvre!” – I felt like I was in the army!). So, of course, we went the wrong way up a one-way road. He said, “
BACK US OUT
.” I said, “I don’t do backwards.” At first he was
ADAMANT
that I
had
to do backwards, but he gave up that idea when I nearly hit the BMW. So then we had to change places (which in a real car is no big deal, of course, but in a Mini is like climbing out of a tin), so he could back us out. After that, he was all
ATWITTER
! Not only did he hang on to the dashboard the whole time and yelp a lot, but he kept his legs straight out as if he was trying to brake even though we were only doing about five miles an hour because the back streets are one long speed bump. I told him he was making me nervous. How could he expect me to concentrate if he was going to undermine my confidence the whole time? I reminded him that this was exactly what happened when he was teaching the MC. From what I’d heard, he yelled at her even more than he yells at me. I said I would’ve thought a professional psychoanalyst would have more patience. I was still talking when Sigmund shouted, “
JANET
!” and grabbed the wheel. It’s true that in times of stress (like when you’re peacefully driving along and someone suddenly
BELLOWS
in your ear) your brain goes on automatic and your instincts take over. Because I was raised with Justin Bandry, who spent my childhood stealing my things, my instinct when someone tries to take something away from me is to hold on v tight. (This seems
très
reasonable to me.) Anyway, that’s what I did. Sigmund pulled one way and I pulled the other. We hit a skip. Sigmund said he will
never
complain about speed bumps again. Think what could’ve happened if we’d been going any faster!

Another sleepless night of grappling with my Moral Dilemma. I can forget about seeing Ethan and Sky for hours at a time in daylight but as soon as I get into bed it comes back with a
VENGEANCE
. Sigmund came in for a cuppa after his last client, which is becoming a pretty regular event. He doesn’t even wait to be invited any more. As per usual, he didn’t notice my anxious state (the dark circles of sleeplessness … the pale complexion of moral torment). I was tempted to ask him what
he
thought about Don’t Know’s problem but changed my mind since being a Cheater himself he might be prejudiced in Ethan’s favour. (I know he’s meant to be an Objective Professional, but birds of a feather
DO
flock together, don’t they?) So instead I asked him if he thinks that humans are ruled by the herd instinct. He said yes. Sigmund says that humans have made progress more or less in spite of themselves. He says that change has come about because one or two visionaries have had the courage to challenge the established ideas of their times – and have usually ended up imprisoned, murdered or branded heretics for their trouble. I said if he was trying to comfort me he hadn’t succeeded. He wanted to know if we had any biscuits.

Yet another night of turning and tossing and troubled dreams (in one I was waiting for a bus with a herd of cows when suddenly one of them turned into Disha and decked me!). Should I? Shouldn’t I? Should I? Shouldn’t I? Sigmund’s always banging on about dreams being the subconscious mind trying to work out problems, and for once I think he may be on to something. When I woke up this morning I finally had the solution to my soul-ripping problem: write to Aunt K! Then when the letter comes out I’ll show it to Disha and see what she thinks.
What would
YOU
do, Disha? Would you tell her or not?
Whatever D says is what I’ll do! This way I can’t possibly make a mistake. Aunt K’s reply was easy (
Your friend already has one person close to her who’s lying – don’t make it two!),
but it took me a while to get Don’t Know What to Do’s letter right so that she seems sympathetic and not interfering. Was nearly late for school again. Handed in my copy to Ms Staples. She wanted to know when I was going to write a feature piece for the magazine. I said what with my academic work, my social life, my emotional growth
AND
sorting out everyone else’s problems, I really haven’t been able to fit it in. It’s astounding to me that the Prime Minister ever has time to practise his guitar!

D invited me round to hers after school. She and Ethan have had another fight (now there’s a change!). Disha said it was all her fault – she was annoyed because they were meant to hang out on Saturday and he couldn’t make it after all. I said well, maybe she had a
RIGHT
to be annoyed. After all, they’d made plans, hadn’t they? Disha said it wasn’t Ethan’s fault if he had to work, was it? I said I thought he was a waiter, not a policeman. Also,
MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY BREAD ALONE
. Disha said try telling that to the Ethiopians. Disha said she doesn’t feel it’s right that she gets fed up with Ethan’s work schedule – esp. when she knows there’s nothing he can do about it. Apparently loving someone else should make you less selfish and
très
more
Thoughtful and Understanding
. I said, “You mean like the way Ethan’s so amazingly
Thoughtful and Understanding
of you?” She said
I
didn’t know what I was talking about since I’d never been in
Love
. I said well, maybe I’m not the only one who doesn’t know what she’s talking about!

Decided to veg out in front of the box while the MC was fixing supper. (As you know, I’m not really a telly person – especially since it’s all reality TV nowadays. I like a little more intellectual stimulation than watching a bunch of people in a house annoy each other – I get enough of that in my daily life – but this is such a strenuous and demanding term that sometimes I need to
MINDLESSLY RELAX
.) Was so whacked that though I don’t usually watch the news because it’s
SO
depressing
– no wonder Buskin’ Bob sings about dead hobos; it’s almost light relief!!! – I didn’t even have the strength to lift the remote and on it came. There was an award-winningly boring interview with some bloke from the government [Note to self: Why do politicians
NEVER
answer the question they’re asked – even if it’s repeated several times?], so I drifted off. I was thinking about Life and staring at the screen when I realized I was watching some fanatical protest types having a scuffle with the police. One of the fanatics looked familiar. I turned up the sound. A bunch of people had climbed over a fence at an air base and hung up an anti-war banner. The woman being hauled off by the coppers was Nan!!! I yelled for the Mad Cow. She didn’t seem v taken aback to see her mother-in-law being nicked. She said Nan’s arthritis doesn’t seem to be giving her any trouble, does it?

Sigmund came to take me for another driving lesson. Found him in the kitchen drinking tea and eating chocolate biscuits with the MC. The two of them were laughing like hyenas about Nan’s run-in with the
LAW
. Sigmund said he never expected to be putting up bail for his mother. It was meant to be angry young men who wound up in jail, not angry old women. I said, “Welcome to the twenty-first century.”

I was doing really well with my driving today when all of a sudden we turned this corner. I said that’s a roundabout up ahead. Sigmund said I was one hundred per cent correct and to take the right-hand lane. He said it was gratifying for him to discover that the education system hasn’t failed me like it has so many others. I said, “But I don’t do roundabouts.” He said, “You do now.” He said the important thing was not to panic. Just remember what he told me. I didn’t see how I could do that when I had
NO RECOLLECTION
of him telling me anything, but I said I’d try. Got onto the roundabout without too much trouble (Sigmund did a bit of yelping but the other driver didn’t beep his horn or shake his fist or anything of that ilk, so it was just Sigmund overreacting as usual), but then I couldn’t get off it! It was really surreal. We just went round and round and round. Sigmund was yelling that I had to move left but I couldn’t move left because there were already all these cars there. They just kept coming like they were on some berserk assembly line. I was actually
DIZZY
by the time I finally made a break for it. (And you should’ve heard all the horns honking
then
!)

No sign of Buskin’ Bob at all this weekend! And today when we got back from my lesson the MC asked Sigmund if he wanted to stay for supper. Sigmund said yes. He said he felt as if he’d just crossed the Atlantic on a raft pursued by sharks and needed some adult company (which seemed to mean the MC!). She made his favourite: macaroni cheese with crushed crisps on top. He’s never really grown up, if you ask me. I reckon that Peter Pan probably lived on macaroni cheese and chocolate biscuits too! (But without the white wine and fags.) I wonder if anyone’s ever done a scientific study on the relationship between food preferences and emotional maturity. (One of
my
favourite foods is smoked salmon, of course!) Just to prove that
CHANGE
really is the nature of the universe, we had a v pleasant family meal with no singing or lectures on
Corporate Greed
.

Forget Thorpe Park. If you want a real white-knuckle ride,
Love
is obviously the thrill of choice. Disha’s rollercoaster is swinging madly amongst the clouds again. She was brighter than a spotlight today because she and the Wizard are back on. It’s no wonder her brain has turned to slush, she must be exhausted from all the toing and froing. [Note to self: Is
Love
anything more than a faulty light switch in the electrics of the heart?] Disha said the good bits are more than worth the bad bits. Also, what can she do – she’s in
Love
? I said I didn’t realize it was meant to be a terminal disease. I said she sounds like one of those old American blues songs sung by a woman who’s going to end up with a broken heart as well as a few broken bones. Disha thought I was joking. She said she prefers the love songs about being complete and blissed out and never having any meaning in your life before you met him. I said I didn’t see how a
VIRTUAL STRANGER
could do all that. (Esp. one who has hairy ears!) I said if she hadn’t met Ethan, she would’ve met someone else and be saying the same things about
HIM
. Disha said I’m wrong! She said she would probably have gone her whole life without ever
Falling in Love
. I said I couldn’t believe that the survival of the species depended on a chance meeting like that. If it did, there’d probably only be about six humans alive and they’d all look alike and need help getting out of the rain. Disha said what about all those women after the World Wars who always remained true to the soldiers they loved who never came back? I said I reckoned that after a World War they wouldn’t have had much choice, considering how few soldiers actually did come back. I said what about
Sleepless in Seattle
? Tom Hanks finds
True Love
twice. D said that some people’s destiny includes two
Loves of your Life
– but not hers.

Flynn says it’s ironic that I can sort out everybody’s problems but Disha’s. I said I thought it would probably help if Disha realized she
has
a problem.

Today’s driving lesson was cut short by a flat tyre. First Sigmund went mad because I didn’t realize we had a puncture and kept driving. I said I thought he wanted me to concentrate on getting down the road without hitting anything. Also, how was I meant to know we had a puncture when the only smooth ride in the Mini is when you’re parked? Then he went mad because he had to take the bottles out of the boot to get to the jack. Sigmund said it doesn’t count as recycling if you never actually take them to the bottle bank. I said not to tell me; I was just the child. Then he had another fit because the jack wasn’t in the boot. I said the MC moved it to make room for the bottles (which was true except for the bit about the MC, since she doesn’t do
anything
if she can get me to do it, but I don’t see why
I
should take the blame – I’m completely in favour of just throwing the bottles in the bin like we used to!). As soon as we got back to the
House of Horror
he started yelling at the MC about the jack and the bottles, etc. It really was like old times. If Justin had been there grunting and pawing the ground I’d’ve thought I’d been dreaming the whole separation. Went to my room for some peace and quiet.

Apparently Sigmund woke up this morning knowing that today was the day I should learn to park. I said I knew how to park, you just pulled into the space. He said he meant
parallel
parking. I said I never intended to use it. He said I might have to. All I can say is
LET’S HOPE NOT
!!! He made me drive all the way to Dollis Hill because the streets are wider and not as busy as round ours. If you ask me, they put the kerb too close to the road. It’s virtually impossible not to hit it or go over it. Was
TOTALLY SHATTERED
by the time I finally got into the space, what with all the yelling and screaming (and clinking of the bottles in the boot). Sigmund wanted to know how I could be seventeen and not know the difference between
PARALLEL
and
PERPENDICULAR
. I said I did know the difference but I didn’t think it really mattered with the Mini since it hardly sticks out at all. He said he can’t wait till I get to hill starts. He said perhaps in the future we should bring the mobe with us after all so I’ll be able to ring for the ambulance when he has a heart attack.