More than Just Sex (6 page)

WHAT’S YOUR USP?

In the dating market, you are the product, a commodity to be packaged, marketed and then snapped up. My job is to help you to make you as desirable as possible to the person you want to attract and have the ‘new model’ you flying out of the showroom.

It just seems so obvious, but the problem is so common. In fact, lots of the time we go out of our way to cover up the real us because we don’t think that’s what we ‘should’ be ‘doing’, ‘saying’ or ‘looking like’. But remember, all those guys doing what they ‘should’ be doing are the ones hawking themselves in the bars and clubs, looking for someone impressionable enough to have a superficial and temporary relationship with them.

The problem with most of us guys is that we try very hard to portray what we think we ‘should’ be. It doesn’t
matter whose fault that is; whether it’s the media or social conditioning or whatever. As we have said before, we spend lots of time polishing and posturing with the trappings or symbols instead of the bit that really matters; the bit that makes you unique, and very attractive to others, lots of others.

You are looking for something more, and so is she. When she finds it in you, she’ll be more than happy and perhaps more than a little surprised, too.

Now, how cool would it be if she could immediately see those natural qualities in you and what if they are things that she really values, too? That would be a match made in heaven, and it’s exactly where I am going to guide you now.

But first I’d like you to prepare yourself and get ready to go out and do your focus-group exercise.

Listen, it’ll only take 20 minutes to get enough feedback to change your life forever. By the end of lunchtime you can have enough real insights from real women to know exactly where the disconnect lies.

Remember to ask girls who, although you are not chatting them up with any intent, are nevertheless ones that attract you. After all, you need feedback from your correct target market. No point asking cats what they think about dog food, is there? But make sure you dress the way you usually would when you are in a target-rich environment. If you would typically wear a shirt and jeans to go out, then wear those. If you usually wear a suit, then do that, but for f*ck’s sake do not dress up like a market researcher.

You are playing the part of researcher AND product, and a Day-Glo bib is not likely to impress anyone. Just be the way you usually are – that’s what you want feedback on anyway. I actually know someone who did this and got a date from his first time out, but that is not the intention. The intention (for now) is just to fact-find; the rest will come later, once the other bits are all lined up.

But here’s a little thought to play with, just for you and to draw an even greater contrast. When you do approach these women, what do you hope they will say? What would you love for them to see in you? Go back now and think about those core values again.

If that’s not what comes out – and I very much doubt that it will be – then that is great news for us! It shows us exactly where one of the problems is, and tells us what we need to work on first.

A FEW QUICK TIPS BEFORE YOU GO

The first thing we have to do is build what’s called ‘response potential’. To do that, you need to start with some really easy openers and get her used to responding to you. We’re going to use the same principle of building response potential when you are in action for real too, and it doesn’t really matter what the first three questions are, so long as they are easy to answer and not invasive. You could introduce yourself as a researcher doing a study on perceptions, and then open with:

• What was the last song you heard on the radio?
  
• Who was the last celebrity you read about?
  
• Would you prefer one designer piece or lots of high-street clothes?
  

All very easy to answer and will get her used to responding to you. Then move on to asking questions about her perceptions of you, with a selection of:

• What do you think I do for a living?
  
• What do you think I like to do on a Friday night?
  
• Do I play sport?
  
• Do I read?
  
• How much do I earn?
  
• What kind of car do I drive?
  
• Am I boyfriend material?
  
• What three words best describe your first impression of me?
  
• What music do I like?
  
• If my phone rang on a first date, would I answer it?
  
• Would I hold a door open for you?
  
• If someone like me were to ask you out for a coffee, would you say yes?
  
• Would you like my number?
  

This last one is a bit of a trick question because there is a chance that she will say yes, and if she does, please do give it to her but make sure you do a trade and get hers in return. But if she makes fun of you for being so forward, just do what my friend does and say ‘Hey I didn’t say I was going to give it to you, I just asked if you’d like it.’ Easy, and completely turns the tables on the situation and puts you back in the lead.

Also add a few questions of your own that are relevant to the things you think best sum up your personal values and situation. If you had the chance to ask for some honest feedback and get a real insight into what the object of your desire really thinks about you, what would you ask? Now’s your chance, but please remember to ask everyone the same questions.

By this point you will have been chatting to the girl for a few minutes and she will have had the chance to get a sense of you. That’s about as long as you have to make an impression with intent. Now it’s time to get your catch-ability score.

We have made your score out of ten, but presented with the same scale people will tend to choose round numbers. We want a little more scope than that, so ask your questions out of 100. Be aware that if you are asking a group, the scores will tend to be whatever the first one
says plus or minus 10%, so if you want to make this really accurate make up a few little cards with the following:

SCORE SHEET

Then collect your results back in. This stuff is dating gold for you. Lots of guys find this exercise easier the more ‘props’ they have, but if you don’t want to go that far, just ask for a score out of 100 and then divide by 10. Remember, you are not allowed to tell her anything about you; this is all about her
perception
of you, not how highly she rates the
actual
you. It’s all about perception and first impressions.

Go ahead and do the exercise now and come right back with your research data – 20 minutes is all it takes. Go on… if you want things to be different, you’ve got to do different things! Go for it!

Too shy? Worried what she might say or what will happen? Telling yourself that you don’t have time even? Thought so… just go to
www.morethanjustsex.com
and we will do it all for you. There is a whole selection of hot girls waiting to help you out. All you have to do is select your ‘type’ from the girls on the site and send us a pic or short video of yourself. One of the girls will look you over personally and give you some very honest feedback. Choose the type of girl that you would love to date and get her impartial opinion of you and your chances with her… and what you should to do to improve them. All delivered totally anonymously by email… Go on, just get on with it!

RESULT!

OK, now I’ll assume you got a bit of a surprise? Were there any patterns to what the women said? Anything else that came up more than a few times?

The research shows that people (you included) form opinions of another person within just 3.7 seconds of meeting them. I always questioned the validity of this statement, until I put it to the test and realized that I do it as well.

What opinions did you form about the girls you approached in the street? Could you hear your internal dialogue making up stories about how they were too hot for you to even say ‘Hi’ to? How this was a stupid exercise and that they would all see straight through it? You did, right? And you almost certainly gave each of those girls a status based on your previous experience (either real or
imagined) of someone just like them. Our first impressions are always a combination of what we can see and what it triggers in us, so you can never guarantee that she gets the right impression but you can certainly help her along.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS COUNT

We all keep mental files on people we know or know of. Each time one of our senses is triggered for the first time by someone, the file is opened for about three seconds, and then it is closed. The brain has to give meaning to things, and loves nothing more than to draw likenesses. You could be the nicest guy in the world, but if her arsehole ex had a beard like yours and wore the same aftershave, you will be ‘like’ him in her mind and you’d have to work very hard to overcome that first instinctive impression. The first impressions you form are extremely important because once the file is closed it is not easy to get it reopened. We need to be sure that the first impressions you are making are the right ones, and that they are the right ones to convey the real you to the right person. If you got a shock from your honest feedback – and I bet you did – then you know now that it’s time for a change. And very likely you have some idea of what you have to change.

Homework

Giving yourself some real character

Now imagine that you are the director at a big Hollywood studio. How would you dress the leading man if he were
to play the part of the real you? What would he wear? Would he have any props to carry? How would you go about conveying that character to an expectant audience? You only have a very short window on screen, so how do you make sure that the audience gets YOU and not the guy they told you that you were in the street?

Then what would he say? We all go through life collecting our stories, some are good, some are bad and some… well some just sum us up perfectly.

Pick three of your best stories that convey the essence of the real you. These are going to be your stock stories, the ones you have in the bank. The stories you are likely to tell again and again and again to convey YOU to your target audience. These are going to be your covert
S.A.S.
(
Stock Authentic Stories
). They should all be positive and they should all be just you in a nutshell.

OK, so you are in charge of this character that is you and you have a 3.7-second window on screen to convey his personality, spirit and prospects. GO!

1. The ___________________ story
   
2. The ___________________ story
   
3. The ___________________ story
   

First impressions powerful enough to act on are all about perception and perceived status.

If you saw me sitting on the ground in the train station with my coffee cup, you would likely have formed the same
opinion as my generous benefactor. You would never have thought, ‘I bet that bestselling author’s sports car is in the dealership and his loving partner is at work so she can’t give him a lift and he’s just missed his train.’ You would have thought exactly the same and given me 20p too… Just think how wrong your first impression can be. Now, I am not for a second suggesting that you are usually as scruffy as I can be sometimes, but think about this. Even if your first impression is polished, slick and by all social conventions unlikely to offend anyone, then unless it conveys YOU, it is just as misleading and will only attract the wrong kind of interest even if you don’t mean it.

Take a really good look at your feedback now, and work out what your average ‘catch-ability’ score is – that’s the score that the girls gave you. If you did it on
www.morethanjustsex.com
then your score was in the email we sent you. How different is it from the score that you gave yourself?

Your score for you ……… Her average score for you ……...

YOUR FEEDBACK

This is valuable; this is real feedback from girls in whom you would be interested. After all, that’s how you selected which ones to approach in the first place.

It can obviously go one of two ways. The girls will either rate you higher or lower than you rate yourself. For the vast majority of the guys reading this, the girls will rate you lower. You are not therefore living up to your full potential.