More than Just Sex (2 page)

If you’re ready to cash in on your own success, then buckle up. Here we go. It’s going to be quite a ride!

Let me begin by asking you a question. Why did you buy this book? Why are you not already in the relationship you are looking for?

Maybe you’ve been in a relationship that’s ended? Maybe you were the one who ended it? Maybe you are in a relationship right now but find yourself thinking, ‘There must be more to it than this… surely!’

Maybe you’ve not found ‘the one’ or maybe, like so many men, you are confident in life but terrified to approach a beautiful woman?

The bottom line is that, whatever your status, you are not happy right now and are likely to be feeling really frustrated that things are not how you want them.

For me as your coach, guide and mentor, that is exactly how you
should
be feeling. It’s the perfect state to get the most out of this book and make the changes you need to make to get the relationship you really want now.

That frustration you are feeling is your call to take action: your call to do something differently. Obviously you have taken the first step and bought this book, but unless you actually put into practice what you find in these pages, it will do you no good whatsoever, and you will stay stuck exactly where you are right now.

Some of the content here will be like a light bulb going on in your head and you’ll wonder why you’ve never seen it before. Other parts will take a little practice, but if you take even a small amount of the potential into your relationship life, you will already be WAY ahead of all the other guys floundering around doing the same tired things weekend in and weekend out and, if they are ‘lucky’, still ending up with the wrong girl. You already have the deck stacked in your favour just by being here.

Now take the next step and make a commitment to yourself that you are going to give it a shot; that you are at least going to try some new things. Of course, at best you are going to throw caution to the wind and just go with it, not question ‘why’, and just open yourself up to the idea that there is another way of doing things that will take you to a very different place. Of course, just because it’s new, that does mean that it’s perhaps going to feel a little uncomfortable at times; you need and want that, it’s your signal that you are stretching and growing.

It’s better to learn and grow than regret and wither, so from now on, no regrets!

It’s time to tuck them up and take control of your life and go for it, the worst that can happen is that
you learn something useful. From now on there are only two categories of excuses: ‘bullshit’ and ‘things we can work on’.

Don’t let your life determine your attitude, let your attitude determine your life.

Headwork

On the self-commitment scale, how much are you willing to commit yourself?

GROUNDWORK

You know already that you will be doing things differently to get to a different place, but of course that has to be somewhere that you actually want to go. This is why we are
going to start by looking at how you approach relationships, and then figuring out what you are really looking for.

But before we start the journey into the future, it’s a good idea to have a look at yourself as you have been until now.

Just who are you when you’re in a relationship? That’s where we’ll find the biggest, easiest wins and make changes at the right level to have the maximum effect for you.

Make no mistake, this groundwork is absolutely vital. After all, if you had it all lined up perfectly as you want it already, you wouldn’t be reading this book.

So, before we set about putting things right, let’s get it all out in the open. We’re not going to fix it right here and now but, don’t worry, it will get fixed and all you have to do is read on with one purpose in mind: your relationship happiness. And please read on with an open and curious mind. You see, this book works on two levels. The first level is rather obvious and logical, where I teach you lots of new tips, tricks and techniques (the ‘dark arts’ stuff) to use with yourself and your
GoD
(
Girl of Dreams
), to get you much, much closer to the place that part of you already knows you can reach, but that the other part isn’t quite sure how. I’ll show you exactly how!

But then there’s another level, the subconscious, covert level, which I am not really going to explain here. I’ll give you some of the secrets as to ‘how’ this book will shape you, but I’m not going to give you them all… Not yet. You’ll just need to read on and benefit from them in the way they work best, and that’s by reading and absorbing and
not questioning what you read, just allowing it to go in and affect you deeply.

This book is written in a very specific way using very specific language that will affect you at a subconscious level, so it’s important to keep reading and do the homework exercises as they come up. Every word is here for a purpose, and even if it’s not obvious, it’s part of the jigsaw just the same. Read the words and allow them to sink in without question. You are about to begin a journey that, if you follow my lead, will definitely take you to a very different place.

You are going to learn the real power of language and how to use it, but you’ll agree that it would be remiss of me to not use my skill on you, too. It’s for your own good, so I reserve the right to be as sneaky as I like, as long as it helps you. Some of the words here will make you smarter; others will make you different; and then other words, in the specific combination that runs from here to the very last page, will shape you in ways that you can only begin to imagine now.

Anyway, now that I’ve messed with your head a little, back to you in relationships.

THE FIVE ASPECTS OF LIFE

Time to get down to business. Any aspect of your life can be split into five categories: you change at one of these levels, it affects that level the most, and also touches the one above and changes everything below it.

Here, your environment equals your relationship/s.

To illustrate the point though let’s step away from relationships for just a second. As I was writing this, I was reminded of a client that I worked with a few years ago. He was a young guy, and his parents hired me because he kept getting fired. He had no problem getting hired but, equally, no problem getting fired either. My job was to coach him to figure out which career path might actually work for him for more than a few weeks at a time.

Now, because I know that the level at which the problem presents (in this case the job ‘environment’) is never the level to fix it, I started working my way up through the levels until we found where the biggest win was.

First, we looked at his behaviours, which led him to getting hired and fired. Then we looked at the skills and
tools and therefore the choices he made that resulted in those behaviours. Then we looked at the beliefs and values that he held, and finally at who he thought he was in terms of employment. But it was in his beliefs and values that we found the difference that would make all the difference.

When it came down to it, he didn’t really believe that he was capable of doing the job that he actually wanted to do. He didn’t think he was intelligent enough or had gone to the right school to give him the opportunity, or that he was charismatic enough to fit in with the people who worked in the area of the media in which he would have loved to work. Because of this set of beliefs he never really put the required effort into perfecting his skills and refining his ability, so instead he just went for jobs that he knew he could get easily (behaviours). He knew that they wouldn’t satisfy him, and of course he quickly became frustrated because part of him knew he could do better, and so he either got bored and fired or disgruntled and fired. In short, he didn’t want to be there, but didn’t really believe he could do better, and those ‘beliefs’ defined not only his sense of identity (nudging one level above) but everything else below, too.

This is probably a lot like you in relationships. You keep trying different relationships with different types of girls, looking for ‘the one’, hoping that this is where you will find the difference. It isn’t!

The difference that will make all the difference to you is higher up the scale, and is right between your ears. This book is not about where to find the right girl – the right girl could be anywhere – it is about what, how and why you do
what you do when you are both gaining and maintaining a relationship. Perhaps most importantly, it’s about who YOU are, because it’s only when you know YOU that you can be fulfilled and happy with anyone; when we make the right changes at the right level in you the rest is not just possible, it’s inevitable.

Homework

In the ‘right’ relationship you have your own true identity within the relationship and are neither lost in the relationship nor trying to change it, her or yourself. A meaningful relationship involves two people and two identities, joined in one partnership.

When you being you and her being her just naturally makes you both happy, then you’ve cracked it.

So let’s get started!

Speaking from the heart and bitter experience, fill in the blanks.

This works a little like a word association game. Just fill in the blanks with what’s true and comes to you immediately.

If I were a fly on the wall of your typical relationship, where would I see you hanging out?
___________________

Where else are you when you’re in a relationship? Where do you spend your time?
___________________

And in what kind of atmosphere?
___________________

What do you spend your time doing? If I were to look in on your relationship, I would see you doing
___________________
and
___________________
and
___________________

The thing I like doing most in a relationship is
___________________

The worst behaviour I have in a relationship is
___________________

The behaviour I am most proud of in a relationship is
___________________

The behaviour I am least proud of in a relationship is
___________________

My best skill in a relationship is
___________________

The thing I know I am weakest at in a relationship is
___________________

The skill I’d like to master most in a relationship is
___________________

The skill I over-rely on in a relationship is
___________________

I believe in
___________________
in a relationship.

I find it hard to believe I am
___________________
in a relationship.

The thing I fear most about a relationship is
___________________

Relationships are
___________________
and
___________________