Making Marriage Simple (9 page)

Step One: Mirroring

The Sender states their message, using Sender Responsibility.

The Receiver reflects back ONLY what the Sender says using the following language: “So let me see if I got it. You
[insert here exactly what your partner said]
. Did I get it?”

After the Sender confirms that the Receiver got it, the Receiver asks: “Is there more?”

The Receiver continues Mirroring until the Sender feels fully heard.

Step Two: Validating

The Receiver Validates the Sender’s point of view by simply acknowledging: “You make sense.” And remember, agreement is not the goal.

Step Three: Empathizing

As the Receiver, try to relate to the feelings underneath the issue the Sender shared. Remember, there are four core feelings: mad, sad, glad, and scared.

So to Empathize, the Receiver says something like: “Given that
[insert once again what your partner said regarding the issue]
, I can imagine you might be feeling
[use a word or two that might describe your partner’s emotional state]
.”

Then check in with “Is that what you’re feeling?”

If the Sender says: “No, I’m really feeling X,” then the Receiver Mirrors what the Sender said.

Once the Sender responds positively that the Receiver got how they feel, you can switch. The Sender becomes the Receiver and the Receiver becomes the Sender.

The key to Dialogue is practice, practice, practice!

Then:

Continue practicing Dialogue. We suggest you set aside time for full Dialogues,
and
you can also practice randomly throughout the day. It helps train the brain! For example:

    • “If I heard you correctly, you said pass the salt. Did I get it?” (Mirroring)

    • “Is there more about that?”

    
• “So you just said you would rather I not make a mess right after you’ve worked hard to clean the kitchen. That makes sense.” (Validating)

    • “Wow, your boss said that to you? I can imagine this made you feel really happy and proud. Did I get it?” (Empathizing)

Every interaction is an opportunity to bring Dialogue into your lives. Have fun with it!

And Remember
:
In Dialogue, agreement is not the goal
.
The goal is to take turns and really listen to each other
.

TRUTH #6
Negativity Is Invisible Abuse

H
ELEN

The thing is, however, the kind of communion we’re talking about can’t happen in a relationship that’s full of negativity.

During the time when our marriage teetered between renewal and divorce, Harville and I were visiting a bookstore. On a whim, we picked up an astrology book on relationships. Turning to the page that explained how our two birth dates intersected, we read: “You will destroy your relationship unless you end your negative scrutiny of each other.” We were stunned.
How
did the author know us so well?

The truth of that statement cut to the heart of our problem. And we didn’t even have to pay for a therapist!

Our definition of negativity is any words, tone of voice, facial expression (such as rolling your eyes), or behavior your partner says feels negative to them.

Our partner decides when we’re being negative
.

Yes, your partner decides if you’re being negative or not. You might say you’re only joking. But if it doesn’t feel good to your partner, you need to CUT IT OUT. Negativity makes your partner feel unsafe. Without safety in your relationship, your partner will never grow. And your relationship will never be transformed.

Harville and I found three key ways we unknowingly slipped into negativity, and we soon discovered these were the same ways couples in our workshops did too. They are: (1) critical thinking, (2) competition, and (3) oh dear, heaven forbid, “constructive criticism.”

CRITICAL THINKING

Critical thinking helps us in many ways. It’s what we use to make sure we walk out the door in matching socks. It reminds us to check for any toilet paper stuck to our shoe before leaving the bathroom. Who wouldn’t want to be thinking critically while driving? It helps us anticipate what other drivers might do. Without it, who knows how many accidents we’d get into?

In our society we’re even REWARDED for critical thinking. Teachers love students who critique their papers before turning them in. Harville and I know this well—because we’re both trained academics. Bosses love employees who think critically because it helps them identify ways something can be improved. Engage in some critical thinking at work, and watch how it appears under “strengths” on your performance review.

Critical thinking has its place—but that place is NOT in your marriage. We’re generally the most critical of our partner when they aren’t acting or reacting to things the way
we
think they
should
.

And this annihilates your partner.

So in our workshops, we tell our couples: Your partner is NOT you.

Because when you’re critical about how your partner acts or reacts, you’re really getting upset at them for not being you.

When I felt really emotional, Harville would get really critical of how hard it was for me to clearly explain my feelings. Put simply, he’d get upset that I was upset. And he’d give me pointers on how I could bullet out my feelings—so that I could be more linear and concise in my communication. He’d do this
right in the middle of my feeling so upset
. The last thing I needed in that moment was a communication coach.

He came to realize that he was getting upset with me for not being more Turtle-like (i.e., more like him). Couples do this to each other all the time.

To end this scenario of mutual destruction, you have to accept that you are two different people, with different preferences and different ways of doing things. Unfortunately, having differences makes it easy to slip into …

COMPETITION

On the surface, Harville and I seem very easygoing and relaxed. But scratch the surface even the tiniest bit, and you’ll discover the deep, dark truth: We are both stubborn mules! Honestly, I don’t think you could find a more hardheaded, competitive pair than the two of us.

In our defense, let’s face it: It’s human nature to compete. In our culture whoever talks the most convincingly or gets their way is the “Top Dog.” To win this game, all of us are taught to insist on our rights and debate our point better than the next person.

Competition has its place—but that place is NOT smack-dab in the middle of your marriage.

The obvious way couples are competitive is when each one asserts that they are “right” (read: superior) and the other is “wrong” (read: inferior).

But here’s an interesting little twist on competition that most don’t think about.…

You can be competitive about who is the
worst
too.

How would this look? Of course Harville and I have an example!

After the two of us figured out how much our childhood wounding plays a role in our adult lives and relationships, guess what we did? Yep! We started competing to determine which of us had a rougher time. Can you believe it?

There we’d be, delving into the big and little traumas from our childhoods, each of us trying to prove that WE had more to overcome.” And let me caution you about something right now: Don’t try to engage in this game with someone who lost his or her parents at a young age. Because, honestly, there isn’t much that can top that.

Luckily Harville and I figured out a long time ago that when Romantic Love snares two people in its net, it makes sure it chooses two people who’ve got about the same amount of work to do. Which means you and your partner are wounded at the same level. So you can end the competition about who had it the worst, and focus on helping each other heal.

The bottom line is this: When you feel superior to your partner (whether it is because you believe you’re better OR because you feel they didn’t have it as bad as you did) this is a sure sign you’re in competition.

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

I bet you’re wondering how in the world “constructive criticism” qualifies as being negative. You may feel: “My partner needs my HELP, my penetrating insights.” I’m sad to admit that I used to feel that way. In the early years of our marriage, one of my favorite pastimes was to offer Harville my “helpful” constructive criticism.

Of course I wanted to be as clear and thorough as possible. That meant getting every little detail right. So I made lists. If he chose a shirt color that made him look washed out, it went on the list. If he forgot to do something around the house, on the list it went. Spinach between his teeth? On the list. If he was being stubborn about something—yep, you guessed it. On. The. List.

Now, please understand, I wasn’t
complaining
. I was being HELPFUL. Who, after all, doesn’t want advice so they can become a better person? Plus, I was willing to offer my tidbits of wisdom to
Harville for free. Yet despite my “generosity,” day-by-day Harville seemed to grow more miserable in our marriage.

The results were pretty awful. While constructive criticism has its place—that place is NOT (you guessed it!) nestled neatly in the loving arms of your marriage.

Let us assure you. There are plenty of people—siblings, bosses, friends, your children, parents—who stand ready and willing to give constructive criticism to your partner. You don’t have to be one of them. Your partner is struggling not only with their childhood, but with day-to-day issues. They need an advocate, and that’s where you come in.