Making Marriage Simple (11 page)

    1. Use “I” statements (“I feel lonely”) not “you” statements (“You’re never home”). “You” statements feel like judgments—because they are! “I” statements, on the other hand, invite your partner into how you’re feeling.

    2. Be brief and clear. Rambling on and on puts you in danger of flooding your partner with more words and emotion than they can handle. Using too many words is a problem for both Turtles and Hailstorms. Flooding your partner makes them feel attacked. They throw up their defenses. Then
you
feel victimized because it seems like they’re
never
going to change. What a vicious cycle!

    3. You want your partner to respond, so choose only one frustration at a time and state it briefly. If they need more information, trust me, they’ll ask.

    4. Approach your partner when you’re feeling calm. Ask any communication expert and they will tell you that over 90 percent of how someone receives what you say has to do with
how
you communicate it to them. So pay attention to any nonverbal cues you might be displaying, like your
tone of voice, the look in your eye, tapping of your foot, rolling your eyes, sighing, etc.

    5. Finally, never criticize, shame, blame, or analyze your partner.

You can flood your partner with too many words.…

Using Sender Responsibility is about skillfully inviting your partner to get interested in your wishes. It increases the chance that your partner will want to respond. Be succinct so that your partner can receive what you are saying. Learn how to do this well, and you’ll feel like you’ve acquired a new superpower.

Being able to share frustrations in a way that avoids negativity is so important that we’ve created a process for it, the Behavior Change Request (BCR). It is another form of the Imago Dialogue Process, with two key additions: You can state your frustration
and
make a request. Like Dialogue, it is simple and straightforward. And, like Dialogue, it can make a profound difference in your relationship.

The BCR is
the
way to state your frustration and keep safety in your relationship all at the same time. It has three simple steps: (1) ask for an appointment to discuss a frustration, (2) state the frustration briefly, and then (3) ask for what you want.

STEP ONE: ASK FOR AN APPOINTMENT

Just like with Dialogue, you don’t want to jump into a BCR without checking in first. So always start by asking for an appointment. This could sound like: “I’d love to talk with you about a request I have. Would now be okay?”

Setting an appointment is important. Your partner may not be in the right state of mind to hear you, and you need to respect that. If now isn’t good, let them offer another time. Choosing a time that is good for both of you will help set you
both
up for success.

STEP TWO: BRIEFLY DESCRIBE YOUR FRUSTRATION

When the appointed time comes, the Sender briefly states their frustration using Sender Responsibility. Use one sentence if possible—maybe two at the most. For example, the Sender can say: “We’ve spent the majority of our holidays with your family in recent years, and I miss having special time with my family.”

Notice how the statement is brief and to the point. Also notice
that the content is about the experience the Sender is having—and not a tirade about how idiotic their partner is for not seeing how unfair the situation is.

The Receiver then Mirrors back exactly what the Sender said: “So let me see if I got it. We’ve spent the majority of our holidays with my family in recent years, and you miss having special time with your family. Did I get it?” After the Sender confirms that the Receiver got it, the Receiver will ask: “Is there more?” The Sender can respond to this question,
but be careful
—stick with something short, sweet, and focused on how the frustration makes
you
feel. Remember:
Don’t overload your partner!
The Sender’s response might be: “My parents are beginning to get older, and I want us to create good memories with them.”

After the Receiver Mirrors this statement, they Validate the Sender’s feelings by saying: “It makes sense that you miss having special time with your family.” And then they Empathize by saying: “And I can imagine that not having more time with your family might make you feel sad, and that it’s unfair. Is that how you’re feeling?”

The Sender might respond: “It does feel unfair, and it makes me sad and sometimes even angry.” And the Receiver would Validate these feelings, by saying: “Well, your feelings make sense.”

STEP THREE: AND NOW THE SMART REQUEST …

Now you get to ask for what you want! Once it’s clear that your partner has heard you accurately, the next step is to suggest three things your partner could do to ease your frustration. Coming up with three concrete things gives your partner a choice—and they choose one as their gift to you.

When coming up with these requests, we urge you to keep them SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-limited.

“I want to spend every holiday this year with my family instead of yours” may not be attainable. “I want us to spend more time with my family” is not only unspecific, but it can’t really be measured. One of your requests might be “I’d like to attend my annual family reunion this year.” The time limit creates a due date. Once your partner meets the request, it becomes an obvious place for you to give your partner a gold star for successfully easing your upset!

Making a request is an opportunity to tell your partner
exactly
how they can ease your frustration. The problem is, we’re often much better at talking about what we
don’t
want rather than what we
do
. This makes coming up with three things that would feel good surprisingly difficult to do.

Many of us have been raised with messages like: “Do for others,” “Don’t think about yourself,” and “Don’t be selfish.” As a result, it can be challenging to ask simply, clearly, and kindly for what we want and need. But if we don’t learn how to do this, our needs won’t get met.

So be creative. Ask for things that would be fun for you to receive and also fun for your partner to give. For the example we’ve used in this chapter, the three SMART requests might be:

    1. We could alternate the holidays next year, spending one with your family and the next one with mine.

    2. We could set aside a special time in the next two months to invite my family to visit.

    3. We could choose one holiday to host this year and call both our families this weekend to invite them to attend.

If you wanted to get even more creative, you could suggest something like: We could create a photo album together that shows my family how much they mean to us. Or (if family finances allow) we could book a cruise or rent a cabin by a lake and have a holiday with my family. Whenever possible, requests should be lighthearted, even whimsical. They should never feel like a punishment to your partner. Again, the important thing is to make requests that help set your partner up for success.

As the Sender shares each idea, the Receiver writes it down. They can even Mirror each idea back to be sure they got it right. And after the Sender shares all three ideas, the Receiver chooses one.

Now the two of you are on your way to a Partnership Marriage (where not only your holidays, but your relationship itself, feels more equal!). It is delightful to be connected with someone when there is mutual respect and problem solving instead of blaming and shaming.

It feels great to be connected!

START WITH THE MOLE HILL, NOT THE MOUNTAIN …

A word of caution: Start off small—with the mole hill rather than the mountain. We know you’ve probably got
a lot
of things you’re frustrated about.

But go slow here. Remember, often what we want most from our partner are the things that are hardest for our partner to give. When your partner succeeds with the easy things, they can then grow to take on the bigger challenges.

For example, your frustration might be: “I feel like we don’t spend time together anymore.” Of the options you offer, your partner may choose to cuddle with you on the couch for at least fifteen minutes every evening for a week—and then
actually do it
. Meeting your request might feel good to your partner: Even though you’re asking something of them, you’re still giving them a choice. And it can be such a
relief
to them when they know exactly what to do!

Following through on what they said they would do empowers your partner. And what do you think they’re going to want to do with that wonderful feeling of empowerment surging through their veins? You got it—take on some more! Set them up for success and they will be happy to do this again and again.

Criticism kills your partner’s motivation. Many of us are so good at proving to our partners what failures they are, that they give up hope. Your job is to encourage and empower your partner, and the BCR can help them get there! Before you know it, you’ll be resting in a Space Between that’s glowing with love.

The BCR teaches both you and your partner to stretch.

Your partner will grow by agreeing to—and actually following through with—one of your three requests. And you will grow by receiving what they offer, which is a gift to them as well.

Truth #7: Negativity Is a Wish in Disguise
EXERCISE: THE BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUEST (BCR)

First:

1. Choose a frustration you’ve experienced with your partner (if you can’t think of any at the moment, refer back to the list you made during exercise #1,
“Then and Now”
). Start with the mole hill, NOT the mountain—you want to set both of you up for success.

2. Use the detailed steps that follow to walk yourselves through the BCR.