Making Marriage Simple (12 page)

And go to
www.MakingMarriageSimple.com
for video examples and other resources
.

Step One: Ask for an Appointment

The Sender asks for an appointment:

    Sender:
I’d love to talk with you about a request I have. Would now be okay?

Step Two: Briefly Describe Your Frustration

Using Sender Responsibility, the Sender briefly describes their frustration in one sentence (two at most). An example of a simply stated frustration might be (though you should obviously use your own):

    Sender:
I get frustrated when you come home later than you say you will
.

The Receiver then Mirrors back exactly what the Sender said:

    
Receiver:
So let me see if I got it
. [Repeat word for word the frustration your partner just shared with you. For the example above, this would be: “You get frustrated when I come home later than I say I will.”]
Did I get it
?

Once the Sender confirms that the Receiver got it, the Receiver asks: “Is there more?” Remember, don’t flood your partner. An example might be:

Sender:
When you’re not on time, I worry about you
. The Receiver then Mirrors this new statement, and once the Sender confirms that the Receiver got it, the Receiver Validates and Empathizes with the Sender:

    Receiver:
It makes sense that you get frustrated and worry when I come home later than I say I will (Validate). And I can imagine that this makes you feel sad and angry (Empathize)
.

Step Three: The SMART Request

Once the Receiver Mirrors, Validates, and Empathizes with the Sender, and the Sender feels understood and acknowledged, the Receiver asks for three requests. And the Sender answers clearly and specifically with three things that would help.

    Receiver:
How can I help you with that? Give me three options
.

    Sender:
Thank you for asking! Here are three things that could address the issue:

1. You could give me one back rub (or something a bit steamier!) one night a week for the next month.

2. You could bring me breakfast in bed one Saturday or Sunday a month for the next two months.

3. You could do the grocery shopping once a week for a month.

Note: While four backrubs, two breakfasts in bed, or four trips to the grocery store might seem out of proportion to the frustration, we’ve got a reason. Our brain’s default is to dwell on the negative. So it takes repetition of the positive to counteract that. It may not seem logical, but this is how our brains work. Combating the negative with a solid dose of the positive is one way to train your brain (more on this in Truth #8, Your Brain Has a Mind of Its Own)
.

Then:

Continue to use the BCR, taking turns being the Sender and Receiver. Use smaller frustrations at first (remember, mole hill—not mountain!). As you both become comfortable with the process, you can bring the more challenging frustrations to each other. It’s always good, however, to alternate nights instead of both having a turn one right after the other on the same night. In fact, unless you and your partner are doing the Exercise Program as a weekend or weeklong retreat (see
this page
), we suggest having one partner be the Sender one week, and the other partner be the Sender the following week. Doing this allows each partner
to truly experience that their mate has heard their frustration.

As the Receiver, it is a good idea to tape the request you’ve agreed to meet on the wall where you can see it every day. Then follow through on what you’ve agreed to. When the Receiver has followed through on the request, it’s time for both of you to celebrate!

And Remember
:
Taking small steps with the Behavior Change Request empowers you both
.
And what you’ll want to do with that empowerment is take on some more—until all the issues in your relationship feel solved!

TRUTH #8
Your Brain Has a Mind of Its Own

H
ELEN

Our brain is a wonder. It is the seat of our emotions and thoughts. It determines why we feel the way we feel, and why we think the thoughts we think. Scientists have explored and obsessed over the mysteries and intricacies of this organ, writing countless pages about their discoveries.

So what does brain science have to do with a book on marriage, you ask?

A lot!

A REPTILE AND A BIRD?

The brain can be divided into two parts: the lower brain, which we call the Crocodile; and the higher brain, which we call the Owl. The lower brain is often referred to as the reptilian center of the brain. Like the Crocodile, it is highly reactive. It responds spontaneously without stopping to analyze a situation. When you accidentally touch a hot stove, you immediately pull your hand back. The movement happens without your even thinking about it. That’s your lower brain saving you from getting burned.

This lower brain has a pretty straightforward job description:
SURVIVAL. It exists to defend itself (you) against danger. It reacts faster than the speed of thought.

The majority of the time, Crocodiles laze around in the water. Still and quiet, you could mistake them for a log. Out of the water, you’ll find them snoozing contentedly on a muddy riverbank. In this state, they seem placid and harmless. Who could possibly be afraid of such a sluggish beast?

When a Crocodile is threatened, however, WATCH OUT!

From the tip of their long snout to their powerfully thrashing tale, crocodiles become pure muscular destruction. A pissed-off Crocodile is PURE DANGER. This is why it’s best not to provoke your partner’s Crocodile. Especially at night! Who, after all, would want to sleep next to something that bumpy, with all those razor sharp teeth?

Fortunately, you also have your higher brain. We call it the Owl, and it can help you control your Crocodile. It wouldn’t seem as though a feathered friend could make much headway against the Croc’s muscular power. But the Owl’s ability to observe and strategize can run circles around the Crocodile.

The Owl is the higher part of the Brain. It is capable of more creative and more sophisticated thinking. It catalogues your experiences, collects data, and problem-solves—constantly searching for more effective ways to do things. Because it connects higher brain intellect with memory and emotions, the Owl helps you manage your feelings.

Ultimately the Owl is great at creating win-win situations, so that everyone ends up safe and happy. In fact, it’s the Owl that decided to buy this book!

Do you see these two different parts in yourself—the reactive Crocodile and the thoughtful and sensitive Owl?

Here’s an example of the Crocodile surfacing in day-to-day life. Let’s say you planned a fun little surprise for your partner. They were due home at six.…

It’s now 6:30.

No partner. No phone call.

You keep checking your watch.

Now it’s 7:15….

What an
insult
! How disrespectful!

You get madder.… And MADDER …

By the time your partner walks through the door, the Crocodile is doing one of two things, depending on whether you’re a Turtle or a Hailstorm.

The Turtle/Crocodile has completely withdrawn. Now, nothing short of a stick of dynamite is going to pry that Turtle out of its shell! All you’re going to get if you’re the late partner is an icy cold stare, as the Turtle/Croc’s tail thrashes angrily from side to side.

The Hailstorm/Crocodile is lying in wait. Every ounce of their attention is focused on one thing: the clicking of the lock. And the minute they hear it, they SNAP! The late partner walks in the door expecting to find their mate. Instead, they get hit with the full force of a furious Croc—teeth bared, ready for battle! Nasty, isn’t it?

When either of these scenarios happens, we say that the Crocodile has hijacked your neural energy. This means that your lower brain is so activated that you’ve temporarily lost access to your higher brain. Any chance of handling the situation gracefully is gone.

When we’re in Crocodile mode, we have only two instinctual ways of responding: with fight (the Hailstorm) or by taking flight (the Turtle). No other options exist. Later, when our connection to the higher part of our brain is restored, we might say, “I’m sorry. I just lost my mind.” And in a way we did. In that moment we lost contact with the higher, problem-solving part of our brain.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING TRULY REMARKABLE …

You may think you’ve got no control over such an instinctual reaction. But you do! You have the power to choose which part of your brain to use when interacting with and responding to your partner. This does two very important things.

First, when you’re upset about something your partner says or does, stopping to make a choice enables you to respond gracefully instead of reacting in a way that creates or continues conflict. Second, the ability to choose helps you act and speak in ways that avoid pressing your partner’s buttons in the first place. In other
words, you can choose to act in ways that let your partner’s sleeping Crocodile lie (how’s that for mixing metaphors!).

So here we are, back at your house on that ill-fated night when you arranged that little surprise for your partner. And your partner was LATE.

Now what if, instead of giving in to the Crocodile, you reminded yourself to let the Owl review the situation? Believe it or not, this one little decision has the power to stop the Crocodile
before
it starts to take control. It seems too simple to be true—but it is. We’re not saying that choosing to look at things from the Owl’s perspective will wipe away all your frustration. But it will stop you from tumbling headfirst into the Crocodile’s fight-or-flight response.