Making Marriage Simple (4 page)

Helen is a nester. I am a wanderer. She is internal, and I’m oriented to the outer world. On a car trip, I’d say, “Isn’t this scenery great?” Only then would she look up from her needlepoint. Helen has a minimal relationship to time, and I am obsessively punctual. If she knocks and a door doesn’t open, she keeps knocking. I go to another door. She likes her vegetables soft. I like mine barely cooked or raw.

Helen is intuitive and understands complexity immediately. I’m logical. By the time I get to the solution, she’s at the finish line waiting for me to arrive. Helen is a great multi-tasker. That used to drive me nuts! I’m still better when I focus on one thing at a time.

There’s an old song from the movie
My Fair Lady
, “Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lamented, “Why Can’t Helen Be More Like Me?” Unfortunately, this kind of lament can only lead to one thing.…

ENTER THE POWER STRUGGLE

“You never …”

“You ALWAYS …”

“You’re such a …”

Welcome to the dark valley of the Power Struggle. Each of you is deeply entrenched in believing you’re right. If only your partner would see how truly wonderful you are. Oh, and also agree to do everything you’ve asked for (or hinted at, or privately wished for but haven’t said), exactly the way you want them to do it. Then everything would be FINE. The Power Struggle is absolutely miserable. But, guess what? Yes, you’re catching on.…

This, too, is supposed to happen!

The Power Struggle always shows up after Romantic Love fades. And like Romantic Love, the Power Struggle has a purpose. Your incompatibility is ultimately what will make your marriage exciting (once you get over your need for sameness, that is). The tension of opposites produced by this incompatibility is vital to the work of healing your childhood wounds. It gives you the energy to work through your problems. And helps each of you build psychological and emotional strength.

INCOMPATIBILITY DECODED

“But wait a minute,” you may be thinking, “my partner and I actually
are
compatible in a lot of ways. We love the same kind of food, the same type of vacations, and our upbringings were very similar.…”

Yes, you and your partner may have a lot of things in common. But we’ve found that couples are incompatible in two basic ways, how they: (1) relate to structure versus freedom, and (2) handle stress and conflict.

When it comes to structure versus freedom, Helen and I have very different feelings. On the weekends we have off together, the first thing Helen wants to do is plan everything out. She’ll read movie and restaurant reviews. Then she’ll come to me with questions about which tickets to buy and what reservations to make. What I’ve come to understand is that the structure helps Helen enjoy our free time together more. She can relax and really enjoy herself once the plans are in place.

I, on the other hand, prefer our weekends off to be unstructured. It’s not that I want to stay home and stare at a wall the whole time. It would even be fine with me if Helen and I wound up at one of those movies or restaurants she spent time researching. I just value spontaneity. It’s not fun for me to be locked into a specific activity at a specific time in advance. I want to relax and meander with no fixed destination in mind. This used to be a real issue between us, until we found ways to enjoy our weekends together that satisfied both our needs.

THE TURTLE AND THE HAILSTORM

So how do two incompatible people learn to live together? First, it’s important to recognize your differences in a nonjudgmental way. Understand that you’re going to have opposite attitudes about many things. And neither one of you is wrong. Once you really get this, you can creatively design joyful life patterns
together
.

Which brings us to point #2. There is a way to successfully navigate your relationship when either or both of you are feeling stressed out.

Early in our work, Helen and I discovered that people’s reaction to stress and conflict fall into one of two categories: Minimizing or Maximizing. When Minimizers are anxious, they tend to pull their reactions deep inside. They contain their energy. We call this person the Turtle, because their pulling inward is similar to a turtle retreating into its shell. When Maximizers are anxious, they tend to express themselves loudly to whoever is in hearing range. We call this person the Hailstorm—because when you’re on the receiving end, it can feel as though you’re getting pelted with golf-ball-sized hail.

Turtles need distance. They want freedom. They like to spend time alone, lost in their own thoughts. This is how they recharge. They process their feelings quietly on the inside, reflecting carefully before offering input. They are the ones who usually keep things on an even keel. They’re great at reminding people to relax if tensions get high. From the outside looking in, Turtles seem to putter along not getting much accomplished. But the “slow and steady wins the race” adage absolutely holds true for them. All they need is for you to trust them and let them loose with some uninterrupted time, and Turtles can move mountains.

Hailstorms, on the other hand, thrive on contact. Their energy flows outward, and they prefer to process their feelings with others. They are wonderful at caring for family dynamics. In fact, it was probably a Hailstorm who bought this book! Rather than carefully analyzing things, Hailstorms respond in the moment. And they intuitively have great ideas and flashes of insight. Having fun with their mate—going to a movie, throwing a party—is a great way for Hailstorms to recharge. Plus, you don’t have to worry about whether they’ll get things done. They have to do lists. And they
really
enjoy being able to cross things off their lists.

The Hailstorm: constantly thinking about and doing fifteen things at once
.

When left on autopilot, the Turtle and Hailstorm will drive each other CRAZY. But the wonder of it all is that Turtles and Hailstorms almost always marry each other. Sometimes it’s very clear which is the Turtle and which is the Hailstorm. For others, it may not be so obvious until issues arise. Like powerful magnets, these opposite energies are passionately and hopelessly
drawn to each other. This is true for every couple we’ve ever met—and true for Helen (the Hailstorm) and me (the Turtle) as well.

When I am facing a stressful situation, I need time alone to process the issue. This is how insights come to me. When facing the same issue, Helen processes outwardly by talking through her feelings. She looks at the situation from one vantage point, then another, and another, and processes them all with me before settling on one.

Much of the time, we found ways to accommodate both styles. But when I became overloaded, I needed to withdraw. This drove Helen nuts! She felt that I disappeared. So her Hailstorm would wake up and start hailing to get my attention. This did not help me one bit!

Helen began to see that the harder she hailed, the more I withdrew. The idea of backing off was challenging for her. One day Helen had a flash of insight. She loves to needlepoint, and decided that whenever she felt me withdraw, she’d start a needlepoint project. This would give her something to focus on (instead of me), which would make it easier for her to back off and give me the time I needed.

Now that she’s learned to channel her energy this way, she gets a fully restored and resourceful partner for problem solving. And she gets a grateful one too. I really appreciate that she’s learned to respect that I need space before I can re-engage with my best self. (And our kids and grandkids have also benefited—because each of them now has a gorgeous needlepoint Christmas stocking!)

Like the trick of Romantic Love, Turtle/Hailstorm physics are a law of nature. It always works exactly like this: The deeper a Turtle withdraws into its shell, the more a Hailstorm will hail. The more the Hailstorm hails, the deeper the Turtle withdraws.

SO REMEMBER! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER TO CHANGE

A major turning point came when Helen and I finally realized that we didn’t have to be victims of the Turtle/Hailstorm dynamic. We had control over how much her Hailstorm hails, and how much my Turtle withdraws.
Yes, you and your partner have the power to make this law of nature work on your behalf
.

Here’s what we’ve learned.…

All you Hailstorms out there: Of course you want to storm and stomp when your Turtle retreats inside their shell. But don’t! It won’t get you what you want. Turtles withdraw because they feel flooded.

Other behaviors that upset the Turtle are blaming them for something that’s gone wrong in the relationship or persuading them to do what you want. Turtles hate being analyzed. Hailstorms can also energetically take up most of the space in a relationship. This leaves the Turtle feeling shut out. Stick with any of these behaviors, Hailstorm, and your Turtle will stay hunkered down in their shell.

Want your Turtle to emerge? Make it safe for them. Appreciate out loud all that they do. They are proud that they offer stability and keep order in their home. Recognize these gifts. Once they feel safe, there’s no reason for them to hide. Give them a little shell time and they’ll soon come out and connect (after all, it gets lonely in their shell after a while!).

One more point about Turtles. Pushed to their limits, they become Snapping Turtles! It may take a while to get them to this point. But once they reach it, watch out! It’s not a pretty sight.

And now for you Turtles out there: When you see the dark clouds of the Hailstorm gathering, of course you want to hide. Don’t! To stop the hail from denting your shell, be courageous and stick your neck out. Hailstorms hail because they’re overwhelmed. They often feel like they’re holding the weight of the world. And when you retreat, the Hailstorm feels even more alone. So the minute you hear a rumble, give them your full attention. Offer kindness and support. Give them a flower, write them a note of appreciation, or acknowledge their feelings.