Making Marriage Simple (15 page)

MAKING THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE

In the introduction we talked about the old model of marriage in which one person led and the other followed—in many cultures, ours included, the husband was in charge of the family, and the wife’s thoughts and needs came second. For a long time this arrangement seemed to work just fine. Then in the 1960s and 1970s, women began questioning whether this model of marriage was really useful for them.

A new form of marriage, the Partnership Marriage, was struggling to be born.

But people didn’t have the skills to nurture this new model. And divorce, once considered taboo, began slowly gaining in acceptance.

In time, therapists, theorists, and various doctors began
to assert that divorce was the best option for many couples in conflict—and even for their children. Indeed, Helen and I are both divorced. The thing is: If we’d had the tools in our first marriages that we have now, neither of our divorces would have happened.

Because so many couples still
don’t
have the skills to heal their marriages, half of the married population continues to divorce. But this opt-out clause is not without consequences. Almost half of American families experience poverty following a divorce.
¹
And when parents get divorced, it almost
doubles
the odds that their children will end up divorced as well.
²
This cycle is one we now believe is damaging for all involved.

But there is also good news. We’re becoming aware of the benefits of marriage. Over the last fifty years, scientists have been documenting what has come to be called the “marriage advantage.” Why is it called this? Because married people, on average, are healthier, live longer, enjoy higher incomes, and raise healthier families. And this is true for most marriages, whether they are “happy” or not.

The thing is: If just
being
married offers great benefits, imagine what a
healthy marriage
can accomplish. It will amplify your marriage advantage, all while creating the partnership of your dreams. What a great incentive for honing the skills to help make your marriage soar.

And now for the way marriage impacts the most important aspects of your life (drumroll please) …

FEELING BETTER, LIVING LONGER

Let’s start with your physical health. Married people are less likely to get pneumonia, have surgery, develop cancer, or have heart attacks.
³
How incredible that simply saying “I do” has the power to lower your medical bills and protect your health.

Yeah, only regular checkups since I said “I do!”

If these findings weren’t remarkable enough, now imagine what a healthy marriage could do. Studies show that our brains are structured to learn and thrive best when interacting with other brains.
⁴
In other words, we are meant to live in relation to others. And when our primary partnership is a healthy one, the intimacy
generated releases an abundance of oxytocin. As you’ll remember, this juicy “love hormone” has been proven to have a whole bunch of health benefits. You’ll be bolstered not only by virtue of your partnership, but by the emotional and spiritual wholeness you’re creating together.

CHILDREN WHO THRIVE

Those of you with children know that, as parents, we worry about
everything
. Are our kids eating right? Building strong friendships? Doing well in school? We’re concerned because we want our children to become happy and self-reliant adults.

Well, guess what? Children whose parents are married tend to be more academically successful, more emotionally stable, and more often assume leadership roles.
⁵
Children with married parents also do less drugs and commit fewer crimes.
⁶

And saying “I do” helps make all of this happen.

Now imagine the benefits your children could receive from a
healthy
marriage. One in which you and your partner model genuine respect, while sharing in the many responsibilities necessary to build a fulfilling life. Children raised this way will grow up knowing how to “live long and prosper and let peace be in our land.”

What a great two-for-one. Create a Partnership Marriage and our kids grow healthy and strong in the process. It turns out the most important thing you can do for your kids is focus on creating Real Love. Your kids will soak it up. So feel free to toss out those stacks of parenting books.

GREATER FINANCIAL SECURITY

Now, let’s explore the subject of money. Those who have gone through a divorce know how hard it can be financially. It’s simple mathematics. Two people who once supported one household now have to support two. Everyone’s lifestyle takes a dip.

Aside from avoiding the costs of divorce, however, married couples create more wealth.
⁷
Married households have, on average, about double the income and four times the net worth of the divorced or never married.
⁸

Double the household income could easily be the difference between living on (or even under) one’s income, versus running up credit card debt. Extra income could also enable a family to take trips, have money to repair the car (or even buy a newer one), help the children to graduate from college with less, or even no, debt, or bolster savings and retirement accounts.

This means greater security and more options for your family.

And although healthy marriages don’t automatically create larger paychecks, they do produce couples who can better navigate win-win solutions. Less arguing about money means you’ll spend more time enjoying each other. Aside from one of the more obvious ways couples enjoy each other, you can also practice the Dialogue exercise to share Appreciations (Truth #5, It’s Not WHAT You Say; It’s HOW You Say It). And you can use the resulting mellow mood to share some behaviors that feel particularly caring for you (Truth #9, Your Marriage Is a Laughing Matter).

Now this is the kind of cycle we like to encourage!

BEDROOM BENEFITS

This next finding is a really big surprise. It turns out that married people have more sex
and
a better quality of sex than single, divorced, or cohabiting individuals.
⁹

“WOW! Who knew?!”

How’s that for a long-standing myth debunked? Most people assume that sex becomes virtually nonexistent when you’re married.

Obviously there are times when couples fail to experience a meeting of the minds (or bodies). During these dry spells the grass can definitely look greener anywhere other than
in
the marriage.

So if you feel like everyone is getting some but you, take heart! Channel your passion into creating a healthy marriage. It will help both you and your partner manifest
all
your dreams (including those in the bedroom). As Real Love builds between two people, so does intimacy. Psychologists say that the most important sex organ is the brain. So focus on training your brain. It will release that “love hormone” oxytocin, which absolutely leads to amorous thoughts, feelings, and deeds.

It’s amazing to realize that these marriage advantage benefits apply to most run-of-the-mill marriages. But Helen and I think this is because it is hard to quantify the impacts of “happy” marriages. We do know that stressful marriages have been shown to lower immunity and increase depression. In fact, a recent study suggests that a stressful marriage can be as bad on the heart as a regular smoking habit.
¹⁰

Wow! What this tells Helen and me is that it’s probably the stronger marriages that offer these tremendous advantages in your life—and by building
healthy
, strong marriages, the impacts would be off the charts!

So why not go for the gold?

With this book in your hands it has never been simpler to create the marriage of your dreams. To do this requires daily work, of course. It won’t always be easy. But isn’t a little effort, and having to sacrifice being “right,” worth the rewards?

YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH IT!

I want to share another story. Not about Helen and me, this time—but about a couple in one of our workshops. They showed up deadlocked in the Power Struggle. In fact, they’d already filed for divorce.

She was ready to
explode
. He sat, passive in the face of her rage.

“Ah-ha,” we thought, “the Hailstorm has met the Turtle. They are perfectly matched!”

But would they experience a breakthrough? Their early Dialogue exercises did not go well. Fists clenched, she’d practically be yelling. Silently seething with rage, he’d retreat even more deeply
into his shell. For most of the first day we wondered if they’d even stay for the whole weekend.

But on day two they began making real progress in their Dialogue sessions. Soon, they felt safe enough to drop their defenses. Awestruck, we watched as their anger melted away, revealing the love and compassion they’d had for each other all along.

As couples shared comments about their experiences at the end of our time together, this couple stood. Holding up their divorce papers, the husband ceremoniously tore them up. Then, with moist eyes and a gruff voice, he announced: “I came here with my biggest enemy and am leaving with my best friend.”

This is an example of the transformation we see, couple after couple, in those who commit to the ideas we’ve shared.

And we feel honored to bear witness to it each and every time.

So don’t stay on the sidelines, reading this book while continuing to wish your partner were different. Be the change you wish to see. Start modeling for your partner the spirit of kindness you long for
them
to bring to
you
.

Start it, and your partner will join you in time.

Safety is contagious. Laughter is contagious. Lightness is contagious.

Love
is contagious.