Making Marriage Simple (18 page)

We are devoted to building Partnership Marriages, one relationship at a time. It is why we wrote this book. Now it’s up to you to chart the course of your marriage’s future. Your commitment to this work connects you to our efforts and to thousands of other couples across the planet. Our numbers are growing daily.

We thank you for having the courage and sheer stubbornness to stick it out with us (and, more importantly,
with each other
!). As you continue on this journey, always remember: You have the power to create the marriage of your dreams. And when you do, you also contribute to creating a new world in which we all can live long and prosper.

With appreciation and blessings,

Harville and Helen

THE EXERCISE PROGRAM

H
ARVILLE AND
H
ELEN

The following exercise program gives you the tools you need to create the relationship of your dreams. Following are the same exercises included at the end of each chapter, with space to do each one. You and your partner could also use a separate notebook or journal to record your thoughts and progress. Or you can each have your own copy of this book.

Our goal is to set you up for success!

WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS

The exercise program that follows contains all the exercises that came after each Truth. We recommend going through the exercises in the order they’re presented the first time around, but that’s not a hard-and-fast rule. Here are some ideas for creating your own program:

    1. Create a set date night or date day once or twice a week (for example, Tuesday evening and/or Saturday afternoon). Choose a truth, commit to reading it beforehand, and doing the exercise connected with that truth during this scheduled time together. For example, if you choose to do the exercises once a week each Thursday, your exercise program would look like:

*Note: We recommend continuing to do the exercises Ritual of Appreciations and Train Your Brain throughout the remainder of the exercise program (and even the remainder of your marriage!)
.

    
2. Retreat time! Plan a trip to a fun location or take a vacation in your own home. Create a schedule in advance for working on the exercises together (making sure that each of you has time to read through the Truths beforehand). A sample retreat program might be:

KNOWLEDGE IS NOT ENOUGH

The act of building a Partnership Marriage is deeply empowering. Ultimately, it all comes down to you. Through the building of a healthy relationship, you and your partner have the power to create the marriage of your dreams. Engaging in this work enables you to rewire your brain, so that you’re primed to enJOY even more of the amazing stuff your marriage and your life have to offer.

As you continue this work, there will be days—and even weeks at a time—when you’ll feel on top of the world, as if you’ve got this whole Partnership Marriage down pat. Then there will
be those moments when all you want to do is throw in the towel. This is
absolutely normal
. Please, don’t despair when frustrations surface. Instead, be gentle with yourself. You have been stretching into new territory, and your brain is pressing the Reset button, trying to make you go back to the old way of doing things. Take some time off, have fun with each other, then start up the program again.

Knowledge may be power. But it isn’t enough. We learned the hard way that insight alone only goes so far. It was when we committed to practicing the tools
every day
that the real shifts began to happen. And it was the cumulative impact of these shifts that led to the deep connection we have today.

If you’re like just about every other couple we know, you’ll probably have different levels of commitment (and enthusiasm) about going through the exercises. Generally this means Turtles (who are less inclined to follow directions) may need to stretch a bit. And Hailstorms (who tend to get overzealous about diving in and getting things done) may need to contain themselves just a tad.

And yes, this was absolutely true for us.

Harville: When Helen first approached me about doing the exercises I withdrew into my shell. Sure they’d helped other couples. Of course I knew that; I had created the exercises and had been teaching them for years. Yet I still found myself resisting the idea of
actually sitting down and doing them
myself.

Helen: And I knew, once Harville reluctantly agreed, that I had to—at all cost—remain mellow. If my type-A Hailstorm showed up on the scene, the effort would be over before it had even begun.

So even we had to go slowly at first. But it didn’t take long
before our relationship started feeling really, really good. And the more we practiced, the more fun it became. Pretty soon we were both ferociously guarding our exercise time—so that we could continue to let the good times roll!

So we urge you to commit to absorbing the ideas in this book
and
practicing the concepts through the exercises. It is this combination that is truly life transforming.

Taking the kinds of actions we’ve set up for you in the exercises requires you to do things differently than you were before (and let’s face it, if what you’d been doing had worked, you wouldn’t have picked up this book). Be prepared to stretch yourself—but if the Crocodile’s tail starts thrashing too much, the Turtle can’t be pried out of its shell, or the Hailstorm begins to rumble, remember to take a break. Call on your Owl. Remember Truth #9, Your Marriage Is a Laughing Matter: Go for a walk, watch a movie, make a meal together, or slip into the bedroom. Once you’ve relaxed a bit together and maybe let loose some oxytocin, you’ll be ready to dive back in.

You can also, at any time, refer to our website (
www.MakingMarriageSimple.com
) for more information. We’ve packed it full of stories, other exercises, and resource sections. There is also a list of Imago Therapists worldwide, and our current workshop schedule.

Truth #1: Romantic Love Is a Trick
EXERCISE: THEN AND NOW

Romantic Love, conspiring with your unconscious, caused you to fall in love with someone whose behaviors will trigger your early childhood wounds. Now, as an adult—in a committed partnership and using the tools we’ve presented in this book—you have the opportunity to create a different, happier outcome.

The first step is seeing the similarity between your partner and your parents. You might not get this right away. Remember, it isn’t that your partner will look or necessarily even act like your parents. It’s that
you will feel the same way with your partner that you felt with your parents
. Exploring this connection between past and present helps replace blame with curiosity and understanding, and creates the foundation of your present work with each other.

First:

1. Write down the frustrations you remember that you had with your childhood caregivers and how you felt (you can use “Frustrations Then and Now” on
this page
, which is part of this exercise program). The frustrations can be a specific event or a general experience.

Reminder: Caregivers include whoever was responsible for your care when you were a child, for example, a parent, older sibling, relative, or babysitter
.

2. List the ongoing frustrations you have with your partner
and how these make you feel. List as many as you can—including both petty annoyances and those things that really irritate you.

3. Look over the two lists, noting any similarities.

Then:

Talk over the similarities between the two lists with your partner. As you share, you’ll notice the curiosity growing between you. It’s hard to feel curious and frustrated at the same time. In the exercise for Truth #7 (Negativity Is a Wish in Disguise), you will practice how to turn the more challenging frustrations you have with your partner into specific requests for growth and healing.

And Remember
:
Ninety percent of our frustrations with our partner come from experiences from our past
.
That means only 10 percent of the frustrations you currently have are about each other
.

FRUSTRATIONS THEN & NOW

My Name: _________________________

My Childhood Frustrations

Childhood Frustrations

Example (general): When my father criticizes me all the time
.

Feeling(s)

Not good enough
.

Childhood Frustrations

Example (specific): When my older brother forgot my birthday
.

Feeling(s)

Angry/unimportant
.

My Frustrations with My Partner

Partner Frustration

Example (general): When you complain that the house is messy and disorganized
.

Partner Frustration

Not good enough
.

Partner Frustration

Example (specific): When I made a special meal for us last Friday and you played computer games for two hours
.

Partner Frustration

Angry/unimportant
.

FRUSTRATIONS THEN & NOW

My Name: _________________________

My Childhood Frustrations

Childhood Frustrations

Example (general): When my father criticizes me all the time
.

Feeling(s)

Not good enough
.

Childhood Frustrations

Example (specific): When my older brother forgot my birthday
.

Feeling(s)

Angry/unimportant
.

My Frustrations with My Partner

Partner Frustration

Example (general): When you complain that the house is messy and disorganized
.

Feeling(s)

Not good enough
.

Partner Frustration

Example (specific): When I made a special meal for us last Friday and you played computer games for two hours

Feeling(s)

Angry/unimportant
.

Truth #2: Incompatibility Is Grounds for Marriage
EXERCISE: TAMING THE HAILSTORM AND COAXING OUT THE TURTLE

Incompatibility, and the resulting tension of opposites, is vital to the work of healing and growth. And one of the ways you and your partner are opposite is in how you respond to conflict.

As you read through Truth #2, you probably figured out pretty easily who was the Turtle and who was the Hailstorm. If not, take some time to go back and read through the descriptions and talk about it now. If the answers still elude you, think about how you react when you’re really frustrated—and you can always ask your partner!