Making Marriage Simple (21 page)

Truth #8: Your Brain Has a Mind of Its Own
EXERCISE: TRAIN YOUR BRAIN

Those who study the brain have shown that it is possible to train your neural pathways to create newer, healthier connections. For our purposes, we broke the very complex brain down into two sections: the lower, reactive part of the brain, the Crocodile. And the higher, responsive part of the brain that can create win-wins, the Owl.

This exercise will help you strengthen the higher part of your brain, so that it’s easier to align yourself with the Owl. Sleep tight, Crocodile!

First:

1. You will need 10 to 15 minutes for this exercise. Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Sit in a comfortable chair, close your eyes, and for five minutes (you can use an egg timer or set the alarm on your phone) focus on your breathing and count your breaths. If you lose count, start over. Continue until the time is up.

2. Now bring to mind something about your partner that disturbs you. Hold it firmly in your mind for two deep breaths. Then let it go and immediately bring up something you love about your partner. Hold that firmly in your mind for five deep breaths. Repeat this for five minutes.

3. Now imagine your partner. Think about them on the
day that you married. At a time when they were grieving. And/or at a time when you felt particularly proud of them. Holding this image in your mind, say out loud: “My partner is a human being. Like me, they try hard, make mistakes, feel pain, and want to be loved.” From this place, send your partner loving thoughts.

Then:

Continue this exercise for the remainder of your exercise program, adding it to the days when you’re already sharing Appreciations with each other. The goal is to practice to the point where you are able to get to this meditative place easily. This will make staying connected with the Owl a breeze as you listen to your partner’s frustrations.

And Remember
:
You have the power to rewire your brain
.
Building a Partnership Marriage actually changes your brain chemistry, creating new neural pathways to support the work you’re doing
.

Truth #9: Your Marriage Is a Laughing Matter
EXERCISE: DIALING IN JOY!

Our core is joy. It is our essential nature. We experience this joy when we are peacefully connected to our partner. Seriousness kills joy. One way seriousness sneaks into a relationship is through Relationship Jeopardy. This includes: assuming our partner knows what we want without telling them. Expecting and demanding that our partner meet our needs without telling them what our needs are; or assuming we know what our partner wants without ever asking them.

In Truth #9 we offered you different ways to lighten up your relationship. But the best way to stop the game of Relationship Jeopardy is through the sharing of Caring Behaviors. Here’s how.

First:

1. Write down all the behaviors that feel most caring to you. These are the secret wishes that you expected your partner to figure out without your having to tell them. This list can also include things your partner already does (reinforce the good stuff, and they’ll keep on doing it!).

2. Post the lists where you’ll see them every day (next to the bathroom mirror, for instance, or on the refrigerator).

And go to
www.MakingMarriageSimple.com
for video examples and other resources
.

Then:

Some of the behaviors each of you asks for are going to feel spot-on for the other to do. Some may not. Pick the ones that feel doable, or even excite you when you think about doing them—
and do them
. Every couple of months you and your partner should spend thirty minutes adding to your written list. You can even practice Dialogue by sharing them.

And Remember
:
Your partner is longing to be a hero or she-ro to you
.
Often all it takes is the awareness (“Oh, this is what feels caring to you!”) to make the shift
.

CARING BEHAVIORS

My Name: _________________________

I feel/felt loved and cared about when you …

CARING BEHAVIORS

My Name: _________________________

I feel/felt loved and cared about when you …

Truth #10: Marriage Is the Best Life Insurance Plan
EXERCISE: IT’S TIME TO RE-COMMIT

Now it’s time to celebrate the wonderful, juicy stuff you’ve committed to creating in your relationship. And, given all you learned about the “marriage advantage” in Truth #10, if you’re not married yet, maybe it’s time to take the plunge!

Your re-commitment can include a big party like ours. Or it may simply be the two of you in a special place re-exchanging vows or creating new ones. You can do this where you first met or first took a trip together, or at a place where you’ve always wanted to visit. It can even be in the sanctity of your very own home.

The point is to stop and officially recognize the journey you’ve been on and will continue to travel together. It’s about re-committing to each other from the new awareness you’ve cultivated through this shared work.

First:

1. Write down the vows you want to make to your partner today. As you consider what you want to write, reflect on your journey of creating Real Love. Loosened from the force of Romantic Love and free from the Power Struggle, what can you vow to your partner now?

2. Once you both have finished your written statements, share your vows with each other. You can do this right after you’ve written them, sitting on your bed in your
sweatpants. Or you can wait and share them during a re-commitment ceremony in front of family and friends (or both!).

3. Plan a way to celebrate your re-commitment to each other and the process of creating Real Love. There are so many ways you can do this:

    • Have an actual re-commitment ceremony.

    • Throw ceremony to the wind and just have a big party.

    • Go away for a romantic weekend or week—a second honeymoon. And share your vows with each other in the midst of an apple orchard or on a beach.

    • Do something completely out of the box, or even out of character, such as skydiving or hot air ballooning. Something that maybe you’ve both wanted to do, but never made a priority. This could include renting Harley-Davidson motorcycles and attending a rally, taking a trip to an exotic location, hiking to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (and back out), or camping out for a week.

Then:

Put your vows into practice, using them as inspiration to continue to create the relationship of your dreams!

And Remember
:
Be the change you wish to see!

MY VOWS TO OUR RELATIONSHIP

My Name: _________________________

Today’s Date _____________

My Vows to: ___________

__________________________________________________

MY VOWS TO OUR RELATIONSHIP

My Name: _________________________

Today’s Date _____________

My Vows to: ___________

__________________________________________________

Notes

Truth #9: Your Marriage Is a Laughing Matter

1.
Elizabeth Kowal, “Oxytocin, the Love Hormone, Has Health Benefits for Both Genders,”
Health & Fitness
, October 24, 2009;
http://www.examiner.com/article/oxytocin-the-love-hormone-has-health-benefits-for-both-genders
(4/30/2012).

Truth #10: Your Marriage Is the Best Life Insurance Plan

1.
California Healthy Marriages Coalition, “Healthy Marriages, Healthy Society: Research on the Alignment of Marital Outcomes, Marriage Education, and the Key Social Concerns,” 2009;
http://www.camarriage.com/content/resources/1f250f81-d24d-4937-9ce1-595464e2b6c8.pdf
(9/17/12), p. 17.

2.
Institute for American Values, “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition, Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences,” a report from a team of family scholars chaired by W. Bradford Wilcox of the University of Virginia, 2001, p. 19.

3.
Tara Parker-Pope, “Is Marriage Good for Your Health?”
New York Times Magazine
, April 12, 2010;
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18marriage-t.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=general
(4/30/2012).

4.
Daniel J. Siegel, “Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships, ‘Mindsight,’ and Neural Integration,”
Infant Mental Health Journal
22, nos. 1–2 (2001): 67–94; © Michigan Association for Infant Mental Health, p. 86.

5.
Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher,
The Case for Marriage
(New York: Broadway Books, 2000), pp. 124–140; Wendy Manning and K. A. Lamb, “Adolescent Well-Being in Cohabitating, Married, and Single-Parent Families,”
Journal of Marriage and the Family
55 (4) 2003, pp. 876–893.

6.
California Healthy Marriages Coalition, “Healthy Marriages, Healthy Children: Research on the Alignment of Marital Outcomes, Children’s Psycho-Social Development, and Marriage Education,” 2009;
http://camarriage.com/content/resources/3a77fa16-7f58-493c-8cad-d1f373e50b7c.pdf
16–17; Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher,
The Case for Marriage
, p. 124.

7.
Liz Weston, “Get Real: Marriage Is a Business,”
MSN Money
, April 1, 2011;
http://money.msn.com/family-money/get-real-marriage-is-a-business-weston.aspx
(4/30/2012).

8.
Joseph Lupton and James P. Smith, “Marriage, Assets, and Savings,”
Labor and Population Program
, Working Paper Series 99–12 (November 1999), pp. 16–17.

9.
Waite and Gallagher,
The Case for Marriage
, pp. 78–83.

10.
Parker-Pope, “Is Marriage Good for Your Health?”

Afterword

1.
Leah Hoffman, “To Have and to Hold Onto,”
Forbes
, October 7, 2006;
http://www.forbes.com/2006/11/07/divorce-costs-legal-biz-cx_lh_1107legaldivorce.html
(9/17/12).