End Game (16 page)

“Zane, what are you doing in here? I thought
you were getting your tattoo done now.”

“I let Collin go first. I wanted to make sure
we were okay. I mean, that you were okay.”

“I am fine Zane. We are going to be
fine.”

“Can I stay in here with you while you get
this done?”

I think for a second, and the truth is I want
him in here with me. I feel like I am becoming a stronger person
everyday, but with Zane near me I always feel like I can take on
the world.

“I would like nothing better than to have you
in here holding my hand. I can’t guarantee that I wont crush your
hand, because I am scared as hell.”

“I will hold your hand forever Hannah. I
don’t care if you crush it or break it. I will never let go.”

I can’t help the tears that escape my eyes.
His words mean so much to me.

“Don’t cry Hannah. I didn’t mean to make you
sad. I just want you know that I am here to stay no matter
what.”

He leans into my face and kisses my tears off
of my cheeks. I am lying down, about to be stuck with a needle a
thousand times, but I have never felt so calm in my entire life. No
matter what happens between us I know he will be here for me. At
this point, that is all I can ask for. If he never sees me as
anything more than a friend, then I have to accept that. He means
too much to me to lose him because of a crush.

I have a strange feeling in my stomach
telling me I do mean more to him than just as a friend, but I shake
that thought out as soon as it pops into my head. I don’t want to
think it, because I know I am wrong.

Austin clears his throat to let us know that
he is ready. I completely forgot he was in the room with us.

“Okay, I have everything ready. I am going to
put the stencil on and you need to tell me if you like where it
is.”

“Okay. I can do that. It doesn’t hurt
right?”

I hear both Zane and Austin laugh at
this.

Zane leans in, kisses my cheek and smiles at
me.

“This is the part that doesn’t hurt Hannah,”
Austin tells me.

Austin transfers the tattoo sketch onto my
back. I can hear Zane grind his teeth as Austin slowly and very
gently rubs his hands over my back. I am not sure if it’s from
seeing my scars for the first time in years, and I know that he can
probably see that there are a lot more than the last time he saw
them, or because he can’t stand the sight of Austin with his hands
on me. I’m really hoping it is the second reason.

“Okay, I need you to go to the mirror to
check it out for me.”

“Oh, okay.”

How did I not realize I would have to get up
and walk across this little room in just my bra? Great….

I awkwardly walk to the mirror with my shirt
covering just the front of me. I look into the mirror and I am so
happy and pleased with what it looks like. I really wish that I
could get this without any of the needles, but I know I can’t. Time
to suck it up.

“I love it.”

“Good. Let’s get started.”

I walk back over and lay down on the chair.
As soon as I do, Zane grabs my hand and again kisses my cheeks.

“It is a beautiful tattoo Hannah. It will
look amazing on you.”

“Thank you Zane.”

Before I know what is happening I hear the
slow hum of the tattoo gun. I feel it press into my body and am
surprised at how much less it hurts than I anticipated.

I know that it may not make sense, but with
every line that is being written on my back, I feel a part of me is
being erased. The part of me that has no self-worth or confidence
is disappearing, and I feel like I am finally taking control of my
life. I am covering her up. All of her ugliness is being erased
from my body, and in a weird way, my mind.

I start to cry, not from the pain, but from
the emotion of remembering everything she has said or done to hurt
me. I know now that it is all her. I would never be good enough for
her to love. She doesn’t know how to love. I will never be her. I
can never be her. I love greatly and honestly. Well…at least I will
after I tell Zane that I love him. No more lame excuses. Tomorrow,
after I sing with his band, I am telling Zane Edwards I love
him.

“Are you okay Hannah Banana Split?”

“Yeah, Zane. I am fine. It isn’t the tattoo.
Just remembering...”

Zane nods his head at me. I don’t need to say
anything more, because he gets it.

He gets it so much that I can see unshed
tears in his eyes. That alone makes me cry more.

“Almost done Hannah. Am I hurting you? Do you
need to take a break for a few minutes?”

“No, Austin. I am okay. I don’t need a
break.”

“Okay. Just let me know if you do.”

“I will. Thanks.”

After about another 20 minutes, my tattoo is
finally done. I am so nervous to see what it looks like. I know it
seems silly for something like a tattoo to mean so much, but to me
this simple act represents freedom and change.

“Take a look at it,” Austin tells me after he
cleans off my back.

As I slowly start to stand up, Zane helps me.
He hasn’t let go of my hand the entire time just like he
promised.

“It looks beautiful Hannah,” Zane tells me
quietly in my ear.

I make it to the mirror, look at my back, and
I am amazed at how beautiful it looks. I just hope that I can live
by the words that are permanently etched onto my skin.

Be Happy for this
moment…for This moment is your Life

I found this simple quote years ago. These
words took my breath away with the simplicity and the power they
hold. I know for other people these words may not mean what they do
to me. To me, these words mean that I am the only one that can
control my happiness. I have to make the most of this life I have,
because I don’t get a do-over. I know these words will only work if
I continue to try my best, but having them with me all the times
will, maybe, just maybe, make me always live by them.

“I love it. Thank you Austin. You have no
idea.”

Before I knew what was happening, I was in
Zane’s arms. I love when he hugs me. I love the way he smells and
how I fit so perfectly into his arms.

“It’s perfect on you Hannah.”

Before I could tell Zane thank you, a scream
came from the waiting room.

“That was Ray,” I tell Zane.

He lets go of me and we run out to the
waiting area. I am not sure what to expect, but what I see is
Rayanne screaming at Collin.

“What the fuck is wrong with you Collin? Why
did you tattoo my name on you? Are you a fucking idiot?”

Collin doesn’t answer and just starts
laughing hysterically. I am confused as shit right now. I mean, I
know Collin wants Rayanne back, but to get her name on his body
forever? I mean, maybe one day they will end up, but what if they
don’t? That will not be an easy answer for his future wife.

All I know is that I need to calm Rayanne
down. If she was screaming a lot before, Collin and his laughing
has only pissed her off more.

“Ray, please call down.”

“How am I supposed to calm down? Look what
that fucker did!”

“I saw it Ray, but yelling like a lunatic
isn’t going to make this situation any easier.”

Rayanne angrily stares at me, and I can see
the wheels just moving through her mind. That is not a good sign.
Rayanne’s ideas are almost always bad ones.

Before Rayanne can finish thinking of how she
is going to get Collin back, he walk over towards her. He has a rag
in his hand and is scrubbing at his arm. I sure hope he knows that
scrubbing it won’t make it go away.

“Ray, please look at me and look at my arm.
It was a joke…that you obviously did not find funny.”

I look at Collin’s arm, and where the word
Rayanne once was, is now only black, smeared ink. Seriously, I am
not sure if this guy really wants Rayanne back or just wants to
annoy the shit out of her.

“You are a fucking idiot Collin. Why would
you do that?” Rayanne asks Collin.

“You want the truth?”

“Of course you moron. I want the truth.”

“I wanted to see what it would look like to
have your name on me forever. I want it more than anything. I want
to know that you are mine forever. I also know that you aren’t
ready for it. I also really like making you scream and bitch. You
are hot as shit when you get going!”

I have never in my life seen Rayanne
speechless until this moment. I can tell she is trying to not cry.
I just don’t know if it’s because of the sweet things that Collin
said, or if it’s because she is so angry. I am hoping that it’s
because of the sweet things that Collin said. I would give anything
to hear Zane say those things to me.

“I can’t do this right now Collin. Hannah,
are you ready to go? I need to leave.”

“Yes, Ray. I am ready to go. Let me just
check with Austin about proper care and then we can go.”

“Thank you,” Rayanne whispers to me.

I feel so bad for her. I can see the emotion
she is trying to keep in check.

I turn to walk back to Austin’s station, but
before I can get there, Zane stops me.

“I wish you could stay while I get my tattoo
done. I understand why you have to go back with Rayanne, but before
you go I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. You
surprise me everyday Hannah. I will see you tomorrow, and you
better be ready to become a rock star tomorrow.”

I start laughing, mostly because of nerves
about tomorrow, and because the idea of me being a rock star is
hysterical.

“Thank you Zane. I wish I could stay with you
too. Good luck and don’t cry.”

I lean and kiss him on the cheek.

He laughs and hugs me. “I can only hope to be
as strong and brave as you.”

“Bye Zane. I will see you tomorrow.”

I don’t know what else to say.

“Bye Hannah Banana.”

Rayanne and I are walking back home 10
minutes later and so far she hasn’t uttered a word. I am scared of
saying the wrong thing and making her more upset. I just keep
walking and hope that when she is ready she will talk to me.

We make it back to our apartment, and as we
are walking up the steps at the front of the building, Rayanne
finally breaks down. She starts crying and sits on the front steps.
It’s almost like she can’t even physically move. I know this
feeling. This is how I felt after I saw Zane at prom. Like, the
hope for happiness is sucked out of you, but I think this maybe
different for Rayanne. Collin is giving her hope and she is too
afraid of it.

“Why does he do this to me? How can I hate
someone and love someone so much at the same time? Does that mean
something is wrong with me?”

“No, Ray, not at all. It makes you normal…I
think. I am not really sure, but I do know that I have read enough
books where this is the main plot. So, I guess it has to be
normal.”

“Hannah, you are amazing. Only you could make
me laugh about this. I guess it does make me normal.”

“Really, who cares about normal and not
normal? As long as you can find happiness in what you love, that’s
what makes it your normal.”

“Wow, Hannah. You are absolutely right. Now I
think it’s time that you start taking your own advice. It’s time
you figure out what makes you happy.”

“Way to be obvious Ray. Yes, I know I need to
follow my happiness.”

“And where does that happiness trail lead you
to Hannah?”

“It leans to a lot of things Ray. It leads to
having a career that is so much more than a career. I want to help
kids like me. Kids who have no one really looking out for
them.”

“Hannah you know what I mean. I already know
that you are going to be amazing at everything you do. What, and
who, makes you happy?”

“You know who does Ray.”

“Then fucking tell him! No more of this
waiting shit. So, you used to be fat and you aren’t now. So, maybe
he didn’t find you attractive before or maybe he did. You will
never know until you open that mouth of yours and find out.”

“I know, I know. I am just really scared to
put it out there. I can’t lose him.”

“Hannah, you also can’t keep living, waiting
for shit to happen in your life. You have to make it happen.”

“Tomorrow. I have already promised myself
tomorrow night I am putting it all out there.”

“I am holding you to that Hannah. I will
fucking tell him tomorrow if you don’t.”

“Deal. But, that means tomorrow you have to
work all of this shit out with Collin.”

“I knew you were going to say that,
bitch.”

I laugh because I love how much closer we
have gotten these last few months. I didn’t think that we could be
any closer, but I was wrong. We both hide things from each other to
protect one another.

“Let’s get inside so you can get your beauty
sleep before your big performance tomorrow night. On stage and
off,” Rayanne says to me.

“What performance am I doing off stage?”

“Well, if everything goes as planned, you
tell Zane, and he says what I think he will, I figured you would
make a deposit at the bank.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You know you have something to cash in.”

“Ray, I won’t sleep with Zane tomorrow night.
No matter what happens, I don’t want my first time to be at a party
with 100’s of people around.”

“You’re right, but it better happen soon. I
am pretty sure you are the oldest virgin I have ever met.”

“Geez thanks. I am sure there are older ones
out there. I am twenty, not forty Ray.”

Rayanne laughs and we walk into our building.
I don’t know if I am going to be able to get any sleep tonight. I
can feel the butterflies taking hold of me now. I can only imagine
how bad they will be tomorrow.

Chapter
Twenty-Four

“How much longer do I have to sit in this chair,
Rayanne? I thought getting my hair and makeup done was supposed to
be relaxing me, but not being able to look at it is killing
me.”