End Game (13 page)

“All the time honey. I just choose to ignore
the little nagging voice in my head.”

I start laughing, because all I want to do is
to learn to ignore my nagging voice in my head. The only problem is
my voice always sounds like my mother. All I hear is how I am not
good enough, fat, and ugly. I wish that I could make her fully
disappear from my life and my mind. For the first time I don’t feel
the guilt that usually comes with thinking that.

“What is so funny?” asked Rayanne.

“I just realized, that maybe, I am not as
crazy as I once thought I was.”

“Hannah, everyone in the world has a little
crazy in them. It’s how you handle your crazy that defines
you.”

I know that she is talking about my mother
and I. I live in constant fear that one day I will be her.

“I am slowly learning to think that Ray. Zane
said something earlier about how my mother used her illness to get
away with all the horrible things that she did. I think he might be
right.”

“He is Hannah. I am sorry to say this,
because I know that she is your mom and my aunt, but that woman has
evil in her eyes. I was always afraid of her. I can’t believe how
strong you are for just surviving her.”

“Okay, enough of this. I want happy and
smiling for now on. I have to go finish getting ready. I have class
and I have to see my therapist.”

“How is that going?”

“Good actually. I wasn’t sure what to expect,
but she really has opened my eyes to a lot of things and is helping
me to learn the right tools to deal with how I grew up and everyday
stuff. You would like her a lot Ray. She always says what she is
thinking, and I appreciate it.”

“Good. I love you Hannah.”

With that, Rayanne gives me an awesome bear
hug, kisses my cheek, and walks to her room.

How did I end up here? I never thought this
could be my life. Now, if only I could silent my nagging voice and
do what I want. I want to tell Zane how I really feel. Well, I will
solve one problem at a time. I have to go search my room for some
balls for this weekend. Seriously, I need to stop saying balls in
my head.

Chapter Twenty

The rest of the week went way too fast. I was hoping
this past week would drag, because I was so freaking nervous about
this weekend.

Between classes and therapy, I had so much
going on. First, my therapist was super proud of me for asking to
sing with Zane. She told me I was showing huge improvement, and I
should be proud of myself. I know that I should be, but I still
always feel like I need to second-guess every decision I make.

I guess that is normal for young adults who
are learning to come to terms with getting
older...blah...blah...blah. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but
when I started therapy I was hoping for more of an easy fix to
myself. Turns out, they don’t do any of the work…you do. It is nice
to have an outside opinion on my thoughts. I know I have Rayanne,
but she is too close to me to be truly honest.

It doesn’t even matter, because my therapist
tells me the exact same stuff as Ray and Zane do. I always have to
ask myself why am I paying for a therapist. I don’t want to sound
bitter and ungrateful, because I am so not. I am just cranky and
bitchy, because I am scared shitless about this weekend. Tonight I
am getting a tattoo, and tomorrow I am singing with Zane.

So, here I sit in my last class of the day,
actually hoping that it doesn’t end. When I leave here, Ray and I
are going to get our hair done, then dinner with Zane and Collin,
and then the tattoo shop. I should be excited, because I have
wanted to do something different with my hair. I may actually go
blonde, or at least highlights, and I think I may get it cut. That
is even making me nervous. I am basically a ball of nerves right
now. I need to calm the fuck down.

On top of everything else, Zane has been so
weird with me all week. He is always waiting for me after my
classes, and he comes by every time I am at work. I think every
night this week we have eaten dinner together, and he runs with me
every morning. I am not complaining, because I am so happy that he
is there all the time. It’s just so hard to not hold his hand or
kiss him. I have almost said I love you a half a dozen times this
week to him. Why can’t I just tell him how I feel or just kiss him?
The fear becomes so consuming that I can feel my body shake. I
never try to do anything.

If he does have feelings for me, then I don’t
know how much longer he is going to wait for me. Why hasn’t he told
me his reasoning for leaving me behind? I told him I trust him, and
still nothing. My therapist says that since she can’t read his mind
she doesn’t know what he is thinking. She did say if she had to
guess, it sounds like he is waiting for a sign from me. She
couldn’t tell me what sign. That didn’t help at all. Again, why do
I pay her? I am actually really grateful to have her. I feel like
no matter what, she is teaching me the tools I will need for the
rest of my life. I will probably always struggle with insecurities
and fears, but all I can do is try to push past them and live my
life. I just wish I could get past worrying that Zane won’t want me
if I get fat again, or that I will turn into my mother.

I will not worry about that today. Today, I
am going to do something that I have always wanted to do, and I
will try my best to do it without fear.

Class ends, much too early if you ask me. I
don’t even know what was talked about in class today. I was so into
my own head the whole time that I didn’t hear a thing.

Zane is, of course, waiting for me after
class, and I wish just once that he didn’t take my breath away. How
is it possible to look that good all the time? I mean, here he
stands with a five o’clock shadow, jeans that are way to big on
him, and a sweatshirt, and he still looks drop dead gorgeous.

I can tell the moment he notices me, because
he gets a huge smile on his face. Before I know what is happening,
I am wrapped in his arms. No one should smell as good as he does. I
am trying with all my might to not sniff him.

Whenever I smell him I get tingles all over.
How can a scent be sexual? I just hope that I smell good.

He lets go of me and presses a kiss to my
forehead. I love and hate when he does that. I love it because I
love having him kiss any part of me, but I hate that it seems so
sisterly.

“So you ready for this weekend of
adventure?”

I laugh, because he knows how nervous I am
about everything that I am doing this weekend.

“I don’t know if ‘ready’ is what I would call
it. I am just trying to deal with being scared shitless. I mean,
it’s kind of pathetic if you think about it. Almost every weekend,
you get on stage and do this, and it’s making me feel like I am
going to pass out by just thinking about it.”

“Please don’t do that Hannah. Lots of people
can’t do this, and just the fact that you are willing to even try,
makes you stronger than most. I know you will do an amazing job. I
just wish you would have practiced with the band.”

“You know why I had to do that Zane. I just
don’t think that I could do it twice. I am sorry if you guys have
had to learn that song without me. I promise you that I know it
like the back of my hand, and if I actually get up there and sing,
I won’t mess up.”

“I know that Hannah Banana Split. I just
meant that you would have felt more at ease on stage. I get it now
why you didn’t want to.”

I smile at him as we walk across campus, and
it takes me a minute to realize that we are holding hands. When did
this happen, and how the hell did I not notice it? It sure feels
nice having my hand in his. I wish I had more than just my hand in
his hands.

How the hell do all of my thoughts end up
turning in this direction? What does that even mean? What part of
me do I want in his hands? Okay, that is a lie. I know exactly what
parts of my body I want in his hands. What the hell is happening to
me?

I look at Zane and I can feel my body start
to flush red. I am pretty sure that my cheeks are bright-ass red
right now.

“What is making you blush Hannah? Please
don’t let it be nerves about tomorrow night, or even tonight. I
promise that getting a tattoo doesn’t hurt too bad.”

I have to think fast. Should I go with
singing or the tattoo? He can’t know I was daydreaming about him
having my breasts in his hands…or mouth. Nope, that is a new one
that just popped in now. I need to mentally bitch slap myself.

“I am actually getting nervous about getting
my hair done tonight. I am planning on being really adventurous at
the salon today. You know how us girls are about our hair.” I try
to make my laugh sound natural, but I am pretty sure I just sound
like a dying cat.

“You will look great with what ever you do
Hannah. I promise. You can’t mess up perfection.”

Then just like that he leans in and the next
thing I know I am being kissed…by ZANE. It isn’t a hot passionate
kiss, just a peck, but it sure is fucking better than the
forehead.

“I see Rayanne over there waving you down. I
will see you tonight Hannah. I can’t wait to see what tat you
picked out for yourself.”

I give him a quick hug and I swear it is him
that holds me and won’t let go. I am almost positive it’s him. No,
it’s him. I would have let go by this point.

Zane finally lets go and kisses my ear.
Really…my ear? What the hell? Why has no one told me that the ear
goes straight to the vagina? Great, now more dirty thoughts. I’m on
a roll today!

“I love you Hannah.”

“ I love you too.”

“See you later.”

With that, I am standing here like a dork,
just waving away as Zane gets further and further away. The only
thing that knocks me out of it is Rayanne smacking me upside the
head.

“What the hell Ray! That hurt.”

“Good, it was supposed to. What the fuck is
wrong with you? I have never seen a guy want to bang a girl as bad
as that boy wants you.”

“Oh my God Ray! All I can think about lately
is how bad I want that boy to bang me.”

“Finally, I was wondering when you would grow
some hair on that vag of yours and get a sexual appetite. And…did
you just say bang?”

I just look at her and start laughing my ass
off.

“Now, let’s go get our hair did. I am pretty
sure you will need a wax as well my virgin friend.”

“What do you mean wax? Like…my vagina?”

“Yes, like your vagina. I am pretty sure that
thing has never been tamed, and you don’t want Zane getting lost
down there.”

“First, I can’t believe you just said that,
and the more I think about it, the more you maybe right. Will it
hurt?”

“Oh yeah, and probably more than the tattoo.”
She tells me and starts walking away laughing hysterically.

Great.

Chapter
Twenty-One

After what felt like a lifetime at the salon, we are
ready to leave. It was actually only about 2 hours, but what I had
done to myself in there will never be discussed again. I had a
woman in places that, sadly, no one else had ever seen. I have
never even looked at those places.

So, here I am, a good two-hundred dollars
poorer and still blonde. I came in here really wanting to try
something new and surprisingly I did. I now have deep-red
highlights throughout my hair. The underneath of the back is all
red, so when I put it up in a pony you can really see it. It isn’t
something too out there, but it’s a big step for me. I am also
missing hair in a lot of places that I don’t even want to think
about. I mean, I am going to be walking funny for a little bit.
That shit hurts!

Rayanne, of course, went crazy with the
color. She is sporting an almost purple-burgundy. Man I wish I
could pull that off. She looks badass. I wish I had the balls to do
that. She cut her hair into this introverted bob, and one side is
longer than the other. I, on the other hand, just got a few layers
in my hair.

“So you ready to go get pricked with a needle
now?”

I look at Rayanne and she is grinning from
ear to ear. She knows how scared I am about this tattoo.

“Ready as I will ever be.”

“Okay, lets go pay for this shit. Just so you
know, I made an appointment for you to get your makeup done here
tomorrow before the show. My treat.”

“Why do you think I need help with my makeup?
Do I really do that bad of a job?”

“Stop it Hannah. I just want you to rock the
rocker look. You and I both know that we suck at the smoky eye
look.”

I know she is right, and I shouldn’t have
gotten defensive right away. I need to work on that. Not every one
is out to get me or doesn’t think I am good enough. I have to stop
letting my mother ruin all my relationships, even the ones that are
only in my head. Like Zane and I.

“I’m sorry Ray. I know that you are just
trying to help me. I really do appreciate all that you do for
me.”

Rayanne takes my hand and we start walking
out of the salon. There is so much I have to say to her and so many
thanks I have never said to her.

“I mean it Ray. I am really sorry, and I hope
that you know how much you mean to me. I don’t know where I would
be, or what I would be, if it wasn’t for you.”

I am starting to tear up. I have never
actually put into thought how much this girl has done for me. Even
the little things that she doesn’t know have helped me pull through
another day. There were many days she would tell me how amazing I
was, for no other reason than knowing I needed to hear it.

Rayanne stops walking and looks at me, also
with tears in her eyes. I hope she isn’t mad at me and knows how
much she means to me.

“Hannah you never have to say thank you to
me. I love you. You are my sister, and I will always be here for
you. Even when you don’t want me, I will be here.”