End Game (12 page)

“Hannah, why are you crying?” Zane asks me,
and for a second I swear I heard his voice crack. I am not sure if
it’s with fear or concern, but either way I heard it.

“Don’t worry Zane. Hannah was just helping me
deal with a Collin induced freak out, and because she is the best
most awesome person in the world, she didn’t let me cry alone,”
Rayanne tells Zane.

“I will leave you two to talk about what ever
you need to talk about,” says Rayanne, as she begins to stand up
from the floor.

Rayanne starts walking to her room, but
before she leaves my side she leans in and whispers into my
ear.

“You are also an idiot for not seeing the way
that man looks at you. Open you eyes and your heart, Hannah.”

I watch Rayanne walk away, and am almost
positive that my mouth is hanging open. Was she serious? Does Zane
really look at me the way I see Collin look at Rayanne?

Chapter Eighteen

Zane walks towards me and gives me the biggest hug. I
can feel his whole body relax. I am not sure how long he held me,
but I wouldn’t have cared if it lasted forever. I can feel every
muscle of his perfect body against mine. This hug was doing things
to me that a hug shouldn’t do. My body was tingling all over. It
was actually tingling in places that I didn’t think hugs should
cause.

“I am just happy that you weren’t crying over
that piece of shit outside.”

I am taken aback from the sound of Zane’s
voice, but I was so engulfed in the hug I didn’t care about
anything else. Hearing Zane talk about Jason brought me right back
to the here and now.

“I don’t think he really deserves anymore of
my tears. I cried enough last night, and I think that is all a
person like that needs. He didn’t break me and I wont let it break
me.”

Zane looks down at me and smiles a big,
goofy, Zane smile. I love when he does that. It makes me remember
the first time I looked at him and realized I love him. I was 14
and he was 16. We were watching some stupid movie, and he knew that
my mom had been extra hard on me that day, so he was trying his
hardest to make me laugh. I couldn’t believe how much he cared,
whether or not I was happy. I mean, Rayanne always did, but I felt
she was obligated because she was family. Zane just wanted me
happy.

“I am so fucking proud of you Hannah. You are
more and more amazing everyday.”

“What happened out there?”

“Well, lets see. Jason was on his way to
confront you, because not only did he get kicked out of the frat,
but also when his parents heard they told him he had to come home.
He was also drunk off his ass out there. I think that was the only
reason he told me anything. But, anyways, this isn’t his first try
at doing something like that. It goes all the way back to high
school, so his parents cut him off and told him to get his ass
home.

“So, he is really gone from school? Like,
never coming back here?”

“Never coming back Hannah Banana Split.”

“Wow. I feel bad that I don’t feel bad for
him. Does that make me just as bad of a person as him?”

“No, and never ever think that way Hannah.
You are the best person I know.”

“Okay, well that is being a bit dramatic
Zane. I am so not the best person you know. I have so many cracks
in me that I don’t know if I will ever be all put back
together.”

I have no idea why I am telling him all of
this, but the verbal diarrhea of my mouth wouldn’t stop.

“To be honest, I worry sometimes that I
wasn’t even born whole because of her. What if parts of a person
that you should have, I don’t, because she never taught them to
me.”

“Shit, that is the furthest thing from the
truth. The person you are today is fucking amazing. I wish that you
could see you the way I see you.”

I can feel my next question burning the back
of my throat, because I am terrified of the answer.

“How do you see me?”

“You are smart, beautiful, funny, brave and
quite honestly, the strongest person I know.”

“Oh.”

For some reason, my brain cells have decided
that now is the moment to crap out on me.

“One day Hannah, I know that you will realize
at least some of those things about you that I see.”

“I hope so. I worry that I am going to be
her.”

“Even if someday you get diagnosed with any
form of a mental illness, you will never be her. She was more than
her illness. I truly believe that she was born evil on top of being
bi-polar. I think she got away with the things she did because she
was sick. I don’t think she has kindness in her Hannah. You do. You
are all kindness.”

I let Zane’s words settle in for a minute. I
never thought of the possibility that the way she was could have
been more than just her disease. Can you just be born evil or was
it her mental illness? I don’t think that I will ever know the
answer to that. Would she have been evil and cruel even without
being bi-polar?

I squeezed tighter around Zane’s waist and
just fell into his hug. I wish that I could be brave like he thinks
I am. If I really were brave I would stop hugging him and kiss him.
No one makes me feel like I can actually be the person I want to
be. I feel if Zane believes in me, then I can take on the world.
That is what scares me about him. What if I need him so much to be
a better person, and he leaves because he realizes that I am
unlovable?

So many thoughts are just running through my
head. I seriously need to shut my mind off.

“I should get going Hannah. I have to get
ready for class. I promise to see you this weekend, and I plan on
having a lot of fun with you. Collin told me about the tattoo shop
on Friday, and I am looking forward to see what you are going to
get.”

I let go of him and stare at his smile,
because I am looking forward to doing that with him there.

“I actually wanted to ask if you wanted to
come to a party at the frat on Saturday. Now that Jason is gone, I
figured that it wouldn’t be too bad. My band is performing and I
really want you to see us.”

I smile and nod my head, because a question
is forming and I am so scared to ask it. I want to have the balls
to ask it. Then I realize as weird as this sounds, I am the only
one to make myself have the balls to say it. So I take a deep
breathe and just go with it.

“Would it be okay, if maybe, I sang a song
with your band on Saturday?’

Zane practically jumps up from the couch with
excitement. In this moment I see the boy I fell in love with. I
love seeing him like this.

“Are you fucking serious Hannah? I would love
it! I haven’t heard you sing since we were kids, but your voice is
fucking awesome.”

I am so happy that he’s happy, but him saying
he hasn’t heard me sing since I was little just brings the memory
of why I stopped back to the surface. My mother. She told me I
should stop embarrassing her by singing in front of people. She
told me the only reason people clapped for me was because they felt
sorry for the ugly, fat girl. I sang once in a school talent show,
and I never did it in front of anyone again.

“Do you know what song you want to do
yet?”

“Yes, I think I do.”

“Well get the music ready so I can make sure
the guys and I can practice it before Saturday.”

“Okay. I have to work most night this week.
Do you think you can come by and pick it up from me.”

“Of course. Just text me when I should. Oh,
and Hannah….”

Zane just stops talking and is staring at me.
All I can think is something must be on my face. Why is he staring
at me? Maybe he is changing his mind about letting me sing. What if
he doesn’t think I am good enough?

“What is it Zane?”

“Nothing. It can wait. I promise I will tell
you what I was thinking, but don’t go running a scenario through
that pretty little head of yours. It’s good. I promise.”

I smile, because he knows me so well that he
knew I was already starting to worry. I should feel annoyed by
that, but I’m not. It makes me feel happy that someone knows me
well enough to know what is going on in my head, even when I don’t
know what’s going on in there.

Zane leans in, gives me a kiss on my
forehead, and walks to the door.

“Bye Hannah.”

“Bye Zane.”

Chapter Nineteen

“Ray, get your ass out here right now! I just did the
stupidest thing in the whole world.”

Rayanne came running out of her room, looking
confused as shit.

“What the hell is wrong Hannah? Please tell
me you finally kissed the shit out of Zane?”

“No! I asked Zane if I could sing with his
band on Saturday.”

Rayanne started jumping up and down screaming
like a lunatic. How could she be so excited for me? I am an idiot.
I can’t believe I did that. Why did I decide, at that moment, to
grow a pair of balls? I want to give them back. I want to be
ball-less again. I never wish to grow a pair again.

“Ray, please stop jumping up and down. I am
scared shitless. I mean I literally can’t stop shaking. I so badly
wanted to feel free and brave that I just made the biggest mistake
of my life.”

“Oh shut up Hannah. Please, you know you can
sing, and you know that you can to do this. Please do this.”

“I don’t know Ray. I don’t think I can do
this. I think I have to tell Zane that I changed my mind.”

“I am going to make a deal with you. If you
sing on Saturday, then I will talk to Collin and try to figure
stuff out with him.”

The evil bitch just got me. I can’t back out
now. She knows that. Shit, I am going to have to sing on Saturday.
At least I know what song I want to sing.

“You are so cruel Ray. Fine, I will do it,
but if at any second I freak out up there or sound like shit, can
you please pretend to have a seizure or something so I can get off
stage.”

Rayanne starts laughing her ass off at me.
How did I not know that she would find this hilarious?

“Keep laughing all you want girl, but just
know that I will be the one laughing at you when you have to talk
to Collin. Just so you know, you have to talk to him before I even
step on that stage.”

With that, Rayanne goes silent. Ha bitch, I
got you now.

“Fine, Hannah. I will talk to Collin before
you go on stage.”

“No, I want you to really talk to him. I can
tell that you have a plan of just being civil to him. You have to
talk, talk to him.”

Rayanne rolls her eyes at me and I can tell I
got her.

She thought she was going to get by easy.
Screw that. If I have to have balls, then so does she.

“Fine, I will talk to him for you, as long as
you get on that stage and rock out.”

“Ray, I want you to talk to him for you not
me. I want you to find the happiness that I just know he can bring
you. And I may not know a lot about sexual tension and passion, but
girl, what I see between you two is teaching me all I need to
know.”

Rayanne falls off the couch and is laughing
her ass off at me. I don’t know what I said that was funny.

“What is so funny?”

“Girl, you have an idea what sexual tension
is. I think you may experience more than I ever have. Watching Zane
and you is better than reading any book I have on my Kindle.”

“No we are not. I don’t think that Zane has
any sexual desire towards me.”

“Please shut up before I smack you Hannah.
That boy is so into you that he can’t even see straight. I am
pretty sure that his right hand is named Hannah at this point.”

I sit there stunned, because one, I can’t
believe she just said that, and two, because I can’t believe how
excited that statement makes me.

“Hannah, I wish the advice you give me, you
could turn on yourself. I need you to get out of your head girl.
You have to just go with it. I know that you are scared he only
wants you now because of your weight loss, but please stop it.”

I listen to what Rayanne is telling me, and
she has a point. If this were her going through this, I would tell
her to knock it off. It is so much easier to give advice than to
hear it. I should probably knock that off.

“I know that you are right Ray. I promise
that I am trying with all my might. I live so deep in my head and I
don’t know how to stop. Please know that I really am trying.”

“I know you are honey. I am so fucking proud
of you. Just in these last three months you have changed and grown
so much. It feels like I have a new best friend. I loved you before
Hannah. Don’t think that is what I am saying. It’s just now you are
a whole person. Before you never talked about things or stuck up
for yourself. The one thing you need to know is none of that is
because of your weight loss. You are better because of you, and not
because of your body.”

I can feel the tears start to build up in
eyes. I know she is right about all of it. I do contribute my new
attitude with my weight.

“I know that it isn’t all about weight Ray,
but I do think it helps me to be more confident. I always wanted to
be invisible and ignored. Now I feel better about myself and it has
given me more confidence. I don’t think that all of it comes from
my weight. I know that it has to do with being away from my mother.
I have a long way to go before I have your confidence.”

“Hannah, you have to understand that my
confidence isn’t real. I mean it’s real, but I have to make an
effort to push myself past my fears. I always worry about things,
like my hair or my clothes, and all that other stuff. I just always
say, ‘Fuck it.’ If someone has a problem with my clothes or hair or
something I say or do, then that’s their problem and not mine.”

“You get scared?” I say barely over a
whisper.

I just always thought that Ray was fearless
about her choices in life. I wanted to be that. Now I find out she
struggles just as much as me.