End Game (4 page)

“It could never be more than friends now. If
he didn’t love me when I was fat, then it can’t be more now. What
if, someday, I get big again? I can’t live with the fear he would
leave me,” I told her. She shook her head to agree with me. I stood
up and wiped my face. I have must looked like a clown after all the
crying I did that night.

I told Rayanne I had enough of all this heavy
stuff for the night. She looked at me and sincerely said, “You must
come to me, from now on, with this stuff Hannah. I don’t care if we
aren’t blood sisters, because what we have is even stronger than
blood. I love you, Hannah, and just so you know this isn’t over. We
have more to talk about. I will let it be for now, because tonight
was heavy. Tomorrow, girl, we get to go to our amazing new
job…serving coffee to uppity spoiled rich kids!”

I rolled my eyes and replied, “Rayanne, we
are part of the spoiled rich kids.”

“No you aren’t! You never got to enjoy
everything that grandma and grandpa gave to us. She always took it
and held it hostage from you. I, on the other hand, have been the
uppity spoiled rich kid and I don’t want to be that anymore. I want
to be more than that.”

I understood exactly what she meant. It was
for different reasons, but I wanted to be more than I was too. Ray
and I hugged and told each other we loved one another. I walked to
my room and changed into my tank top and boxers. I crawled into my
bed and cried. I cried for all the things I wanted and knew I would
never have. One would be for a mother that would love me, or a
father who I knew. Another was having Zane love me back. I felt I
would never have any of those things. All I could hope for is
finding someone who I could fall in love with. I knew that it
wouldn’t be as much as I love Zane, but I knew I could love him,
whoever he is enough, as long as he loved me.

Chapter Five

It was my first day at Espresso Yourself Café. I
can’t really believe the name myself. Nevertheless, it really is
the cutest place I have ever seen. The owners, the coolest, oldest
hippies I have ever met, were Jack and Barb. They have been
together for over thirty-five years and have traveled all over the
world. When their youngest son came into town for college, they
came to visit and fell in love with this place. The café is the
brightest and most open place I have ever been. I love it there and
I felt fortunate to work there. When we walked in, it felt like
love lived there. There haven’t been many places that made me feel
like that in my life. They hired Rayanne and I on the spot. They
thought we were the cutest little kids that they had ever seen.
Here I go, my first day with no experience at all, which should be
fun.

Rayanne and I walk to the café, which is only
a block from our apartment. We are wearing our khaki pants and our
hot pink Espresso Yourself t-shirts. I look average in mine, but
Rayanne looks like she should be working at Hooters in hers. I am
pretty sure she purposely ordered her shirt two sizes too small.
“How come your shirt looks like that and mine looks like this?” I
ask, pointing to my t-shirt.

She looks at me and says, “Because I know
what sells, and that is tits and ass girl.”

I laughed at her and rolled my eyes. I wish I
were able to just say what comes into my head like she does. That
is my real goal for this first year away from home. I am officially
starting my sophomore year of college tomorrow, and I have made it
my goal to come to terms with my issues. Unfortunately, I have a
lot of those. I want to learn to come to terms with my mother and
my father, whoever he is. I want to learn, what it is about me,
that is so fucking unlovable that even my parents can’t love
me.

As we walk into work at 6:00 am, Barb is
sitting there with the biggest and happiest smile I have ever seen.
I often wonder if that smile is chemically induced, because I don’t
think anybody can be that happy this early in the morning. She is
wearing the same uniform as Rayanne and I, and she has her hair cut
into a little spiky pixie. She wears these cat eyeglasses, which I
love, and I think I may have to ask her where she got them. Jack is
behind the counter, also wearing the same bright pink shirt, but it
doesn’t look stupid on him. He reminds me of my grandpa, a little.
My grandpa was all suits and ties, while Jack is pink shirts and
hemp necklaces, but the kindness in their eyes is the same. I
sometimes wonder if my mother was adopted, because I just don’t
know how my grandparents, who were so loving and caring, had a
daughter like her. I often wonder why they didn’t try to fight to
take custody of me either. I loved them, and I know that they loved
me, but sometimes I wonder why they didn’t love me enough to take
me away from my mother. I am going to save all those thoughts for
my therapist. Man, I am nervous about that, but back to work.

“Girls! I am so glad that you are here. Let’s
get this day started,” Barb said to us, leading us into the back.
Six hours later, I felt like my feet were going to fall off.
Rayanne and I caught on quickly, and Jack and Barb were very
impressed with us. They told us that in a month they expected us to
be opening on our own.

I was wiping down one of the tables when I
saw Zane walk in with another good-looking guy next to him. My
heart skipped when I saw Zane. He will always be the best-looking
man I have ever seen. The guy next to him had nothing to be ashamed
of either. I felt my heart rate accelerate as they came closer to
me. Zane was smiling at me, “So…fancy meeting you here Hannah.”

“Really? You already knew I would be
here…didn’t you,” I said, giving Rayanne an evil stare.

He looked at me and gave me a sly smile. “I
may have called Rayanne this morning, and she told me that you guys
were here working. She also wasn’t very happy with me. She told me
I could go fuck myself. So…I guess you told her some stuff last
night.”

I nodded, unsure how to reply.

“Hannah, I wanted to see you today. I know
that you want to take getting back to being friends slow, but I
don’t think I can do that after being with you last night.”

I was about to answer how it was okay and how
I wanted the same thing, but then Zane’s friend came up to us. He
knocked into Zane and cleared his throat. “Oh, Hannah, this is my
frat brother Jason,” Zane told me. Jason was even better looking
than I thought. His eyes were light and blue, which was the total
opposite of Zane’s. I thought he was gorgeous, but he didn’t have
anything on Zane. Zane was in a class by himself.

“So, this is the famous Hannah Banana Split,”
he said looking at me. I couldn’t believe that Zane had talked
about me. I am sure it must have happened after everyone at the
party saw me run away from him. “Zane, you told me she was pretty,
but you should have told me she was fucking hot!” I felt the heat
rise up my face and my neck. I have never in my life been called
hot. Not ever. I didn’t know if it was Jason calling me hot, or if
it was Zane calling me pretty, making me feel this way.

Zane looked like he wanted to beat the shit
out of Jason after he said I was fucking hot. This made no sense to
me at all. Why wasn’t it okay for some one to think I looked
good?

“Jason, I would have never even brought you
here if I knew you would be such a fucking douche bag to
Hannah.”

“Look, I am not trying to be a dick,” Jason
told him. “I am just really surprised by how hot she is. I mean,
the way you always talked about her over the last few years, I
figured she was cute, but this….”

“Okay Jason! We get it. Shut up,” Zane
shouted.

I just stood there watching them go back and
forth with each other. The confusion I felt by what I just heard
Jason tell Zane was overwhelming. I couldn’t understand the fact
that Zane had been talking about me for years to his frat brothers.
What the hell did that mean?

I held my hand out to shake Jason’s hand,
just to stop all the weirdness that was going on. “Hi, Jason. I am
Hannah. It’s nice to meet you.”

He took my hand and smiled. “It really is
nice to meet you Hannah. All Zane talks about, when he gets totally
smashed, is Hannah, the one that….”

“That is enough Jason!” screamed Zane,
interrupting him again.

I looked at Zane and I was mortified. Did he
talk about what he did to me at prom?

“Listen, Hannah, I know that classes start
tomorrow and I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner tonight.
Just the two of us?”

“That would be nice. I am pretty sure Rayanne
is going out tonight with one of the customers she met today,” I
told him. I really did want to go to dinner with him, but I had to
remind myself I couldn’t just forgive him this easily. It wasn’t
even what he did to me at prom, but him leaving me, knowing what I
had to live with. I always thought, even if he didn’t love me the
way I loved him, he still loved me like a sister or best friend.
When he left me it broke me even more than I was already
broken.

Before I knew it, Zane took my hand, looked
at me, and said, “Thanks, Hannah. I will pick you up at seven.”

“Okay. I will see you then. Where are we
gonna go?”

“How about Italian?”

I smiled because he remembered what my
favorite food was. Then, I turned, and Zane’s friend, Jason, was at
my side smiling at me with the weirdest look on his face.

“Okay weirdo,” I thought.

Then, he asked me out, just like that, “So,
after dinner with Zane, can I pick you up for some coffee?”

I just stood there, like an idiot, staring at
him. I had never been asked out before. Even after I had started
losing weight, guys just left me alone. I know part of it was I
really didn’t want anybody to notice me, so I made a conscience
effort to stay hidden.

I looked at him and thought what the hell. He
is cute and my goal this year is to finally put myself out there. I
nodded and whispered yes to him. He smiled at me, and I swear at
that moment, I heard Zane growl behind me. What the hell was that
about? I had every right to go on a date. I am sure as hell he
hasn’t lived like a monk, so why the fuck should I. I started
getting pissed at him.

“Do you have a problem with that, Zane,
because I am pretty sure that I can do what ever the hell I want?
You are not my big brother to watch out for me. You used to be, but
you lost that right a long time ago.” I turned to Jason and asked
him, “ Would you like to go to dinner instead, because I don’t have
plans for dinner anymore?”

“Hannah, don’t do this,” Zane whispered in my
ear.

“Do what? Get on with my life?” I whispered
back so Jason wouldn’t hear me.

“No, Hannah. You know I want you happy. I
wasn’t upset with you. I was upset that Jason had the balls to ask
you out in front of me.”

“Why? You and I aren’t anything but almost
friends again,” I told him.

“What does that mean? We will always be best
friends. I know you can’t see that, but I will make you. If you
feel you have to prove to yourself that you are all grown up by
going out with this douche, then be my guest. Believe me. I will
get you to understand the decisions I have made. They honestly
aren’t selfish or stupid reasons, but once you can handle them I
will tell you.”

What the hell did all that shit mean? Before
I could even ask him, Zane stormed out of the coffee shop. What the
fuck just happened? I was so confused. Wasn’t I just mad at
him?

I turned and looked at Jason, still confused.
He smiled at me and said, “I don’t know what the fuck just
happened, but I sure as shit hope it didn’t change you going out
with me.”

I knew part of me wanted to say yes, but
there was the part of me that screamed to run after Zane. However,
I knew I couldn’t do that, because for once in my life I needed
somebody to run after me. I turned to Jason and said, “I am
absolutely still going to dinner with you tonight.”

Ten minutes later I was leaving work, and I
had to go get ready for my date with Jason. Oh my God! I was going
on a date. I totally need Rayanne to help me pick out my clothes.
Shit. How can so much change in a matter of days. I moved away from
my mom, I am starting college, I am seeing a therapist for the
first time, and I have a date, with a hot guy, who also happens to
be Zane’s friend. Oh shit! What have I gotten myself into?

Chapter Six

Here I am, sitting at my desk, waiting for Jason to
pick me up, and he is a half hour late. All I can think is I can’t
believe this is happening…again. I think it must have been a joke,
or maybe it was a bet, to ask out the loser girl that Zane fucked
over. I have to say that I actually look good tonight too. Rayanne
picked out the cutest outfit of skinny jeans, a halter-top that has
cherries on it and the hottest red wedge heels. She did my hair and
make-up and I look damn good, but all for a joke. Rayanne left
about an hour ago so she doesn’t know this is happening, and I am
not going to bother her on her date.

Suddenly, I hear a knock on the door, and my
heart drops to the floor. Please be Jason. Please. I got up to the
door, looked out the peephole and see Jason. He looks like he just
had the shit beat out of him.

I open the door and scream, “What the hell
happened to you!” He has a black eye already starting and a busted
lip.

“You should see the other guy,” he
replies.

“Who did this to you?”

“Well, let’s just say Zane was not too happy
about our date,” he told me.

“Zane did this to you? Why would he do this
to you?” I whispered. I was worried about Jason, but, in my heart,
all I could think was hoping Zane is okay. I know I cannot ask
Jason how Zane is, but part of me became worried.

“I think he thinks of himself as your big
brother, and he didn’t agree with his little sis going out with me.
I haven’t always had the best reputation with girls, but once I saw
you I knew I wanted to get to know you,” he said.