End Game (2 page)

“You are you tonight Hannah. Beautiful you,”
she said. That girl gets me. She knows I needed to hear that.

“Okay. Let’s do this thing, before I chicken
out,” I said to Rayanne.

“Do you want to do a shot before we go girl?”
she asked me. I am not a drinker, but I decided tonight was a night
alcohol was considered necessary. I nodded my head, yes, and then
preceded to do my first shot of tequila. It was horrible, but
hopefully it would be just what I needed to get this night done and
over with. “Let’s go Girly!” Rayanne screamed as she went out the
front door.

Chapter Two

Here I was, walking into Zane’s fraternity, trying
with all my might to be the confident woman I am trying to become.
I have to say, on the inside, part of me will always be the scared
little girl who only wants her mom to be awake and aware of the
world. I didn’t even need her love, just something to let me know
she was my parent and not the other way around.

Instead, tonight I was going to push that
part of me to the side and let the part out that so desperately
wants to shine. Rayanne held my hand as we walked in and whispered
in my ear, “ You can do this and you could get any man in here. I
say this is the year you finally cash in your V-card.” I smiled
because I knew there was no way I was planning on cashing anything
in tonight or any night after that. My virginity is the one thing
that I have complete control over. I was going to make sure I was
in love with the man I gave that too. My mom was a firm believer in
no sex before marriage, so when she married my sperm donor at
twenty-five she wore white and had me ten months later. By then,
the man who donated sperm, also known as my father, had already
left us. I guess when you only date for a month before you get
married, just so you can fuck the girl, you don’t grasp the fact
she is nuts.

My Aunt DeDe, however, did not wait for
marriage and got pregnant by her high school boyfriend, Uncle Tom.
It’s humorous how that relationship has lasted and my mom’s prim
and proper “wait until marriage” didn’t. As a result, I don’t
believe in the whole wait until marriage thing, but I do believe in
the wait until love part.

“No Rayanne. You know that I want to be in
love before that happens. A corny as it sounds I need that,” I
replied.

“Girl I respect that so much. You know I did
love Chris before we did it,” she said.

“I know Ray, and believe me even if you
didn’t I wouldn’t care. I love you no matter what bitch,” I
laughed. She laughed and then led me through the door.

There were so many people all smashed into
the room and on top of each other. I couldn’t even hear my thoughts
over the band. I have to say, for a college band, they were
actually really good. I leaned into Ray and told her I wanted to
dance. Of course this excited her, because as much as I love to
dance, I never did it in public. She led me to the part of the room
people were using to dance. I loved the song the band was playing.
“Is this their stuff or a cover?” I yelled at Ray.

“ I think they only do their own stuff,” she
screamed back. I loved the lyrics and the voice singing them was
beautiful. The lyrics were about losing someone you loved due to
being scared of what you felt. Ray and I were dancing with each
other and I completely forgot that people were around us. “Want a
drink?” Ray yelled at me. I nodded and she took my hand and led me
to the keg.

I took my first sip and winced, because the
taste of beer is awful. I looked around the room, then at the band
and suddenly my world came to a halt. On stage, singing those
beautiful lyrics was douche bag Zane. If I still had beer in my
mouth I would have spit it on Rayanne. I looked at her and screamed
over the music, “ You knew it was him didn’t you?”

“Yes I did know. I am sorry,” she replied to
me.

“Did you see him last year? Did he ask about
me at all?” I asked her.

“Yes, Hannah, I did run into him and he did
ask about you once. I told him he was to never bring your name up
to me again. Honestly, I never really saw him after that,” she said
honestly.

“I still don’t understand why he never came
home on break. He never visited his mom or sister,” I told
Rayanne.

“Well, from what I hear, they always came
here for some reason,” Rayanne told me.

I turned back to the stage and saw Zane in
all his rock star glory. He always wanted to be a musician when we
were kids. I can’t believe he actually did it. As much as I hated
his guts, I was still so proud of him. I hated I felt that way, but
I do. He looked good up there. He was in simple jeans and a
t-shirt, but that always looked best on him. His brown hair had
gotten longer since I saw him last, but it still looked good. His
eyes were always my favorite things about him. His eyes were
chocolate brown, and if he looked at you long enough you could feel
him looking into your soul. I know it is totally stupid to feel
that way, but what can I say, I am a corny romantic. Yeah, that is
how his stupid eyes always made me feel. As I was staring at the
stage, he looked my way. I could tell that he had no idea who I
was, but he spotted Rayanne.

Before I even knew what was happening, he was
taking off his guitar and walking off stage towards us. I looked at
Rayanne and she told me, “ You got this girl and don’t let him get
you. Put an end to it now so you can move on from this fantasy and
fall in love with a reality.” I couldn’t believe she actually told
me that, but it’s the truth.

I just looked at her and said, “You’re
right.” I left it at that. That was all I had to say for her to
understand I got it. I took a deep breath, and prayed the person I
wanted to be would stay strong and not breakdown and cry in front
of him. I must show him he never broke me. If my mother never broke
me, then this piece of shit isn’t going to either.

“Hey Rayanne. How have you been? I haven’t
seen you in forever,” Zane said with a fake grin on his face.

“I’m doing awesome Zane. I didn’t know you
would be performing tonight.” We both knew it was a lie, but we
just gave each other a glance and kept talking.

“Yeah, we perform at most parties,” he
replied back.

“Zane, what is your bands name anyway?”
Rayanne asked him.

“Oh…our name isn’t important…don’t worry
about it,” he hesitantly replied.

“Okay, I won’t,” quickly replied Rayanne with
a little snarky attitude behind it.

“I gotta ask you, Rayanne, and I know you
told me to never ask, but how is she?” A few of the times they
questioned each other I caught him looking at me. I wasn’t sure if
he was looking at me as someone he knows or as just some girl
hanging with Ray. I waited for Rayanne’s answer while holding my
breath.

“Why don’t you ask her yourself dickhead?”
Rayanne said, as she stepped to the side so I came into full view
of him.

Oh shit! I heard him take in a deep breath,
and then in almost a whisper I heard, “Hannah banana split?” I
haven’t heard that name in 3 years. Only Zane called me that. He
knew everything about me. All my secrets about my mom, what went on
at home, and things I never even told Rayanne because her mom was
my mom’s sister. There are many things she didn’t even really want
to know. I could feel the tears starting in the back of my eyes,
and I wouldn’t let him see me like that. Then I did the only I
could do, I ran out of there as fast as I could before a single
tear fell.

“Hannah, please wait!” I heard Zane
screaming, as I kept running. I just kept running and I never
looked back.

Chapter Three

I made it home in record time. No way was I going to
let Zane catch up to me. Seeing him brought everything back to me.
All the times he would lie in bed, and I would tell him all the
awful things my mom would call me and do to me. He would lie next
to me, run his hands in my short hair, and tell me that I deserved
to be loved someday. I always winced whenever he said that, because
all I wanted was for him to love me. I loved him so much that if he
wanted me to cash in my V-card, it wouldn’t have even been a
question of what I would do. He would make me laugh and tell me
that, someday, a man that was worthy of me would make me so happy
and love me. I would tell him he was crazy, because whenever I
looked in the mirror I saw a girl who had nothing to offer anyone,
even herself.

I hate thinking those things about me, but I
don’t know how to stop it. I have a mother who, on a daily or
hourly basis, would tell me how horrible and unlovable I am. I
decided that was the year I was going to learn to love me and all
of me flaws. Yep, maybe my new and very first therapist can give me
an idea about what to do about Zane. Next week was my first session
with her, and I was scared as hell to tell her all of my deepest
and darkest fears.

I can’t believe I ran! As I began to walk
into my bedroom, I heard the front door open. God, please let it be
Rayanne. Please. I turned to look, and I was relieved to see it
was.

“Hannah, what the fuck was that!” she yelled
at me.

“I don’t know Ray. I heard him call me that,
and everything that I love about him and all the hurt came rushing
back to me. I lost it,” I whispered back.

She came running to me and hugged me tight.
“Hannah, I love you so much dingbat, but that can not happen if you
see him again,” she said, nodding her head expecting a reply.

I nodded back at her. “I won’t let it happen
again. I promise.”

“You wanna know what he said after you ran
like a crazy person out of there?” Rayanne paused for a moment, and
had a concerned look on her face. “Fuck! Hannah, you know that is
just a saying, right. I was not and would never call you crazy. You
get that girl,” Rayanne said looking down at the ground.

You could tell she felt bad for calling me
crazy. My mother is bi-polar, and she decided years ago she doesn’t
like taking her Clozapine, or any one of the other kinds of
medicines they have tried through out my lifetime. She does like
her vodka though, and that sure helps a ton. “Ray, honey, I know
it’s just a saying. Relax. Even if I become bi-polar or develop any
other mental health issue, I will do what has to be done to make me
okay. Okay?” I told her sternly.

“So, tell me now what he said. Wait. Do I
wanna know what he said? Never mind. I do. Tell me,” I stammered
out to her.

“His exact words were, ‘She did not lose all
that weight for me, right.’ I couldn’t fucking believe he asked me
that! So, I just laughed in his face and left to find you,” she
said.

I couldn’t believe he thought I lost all of
that weight for him. “What a selfish asshole! To think I would do
all this for him! I mean, I think he started me wanting to, but I
sure as hell didn’t keep going for him. I did it for me,” I told
Rayanne. Losing all of my weight was the only thing that I, up
until I walked away from my mother, ever did for myself. “He sure
thinks a lot of himself doesn’t he,” I started asking, and then the
there was a knock on our door. I literally felt my heart drop to my
toes.

“Shit! Ray, that’s probably him! He followed
you here! Shit! Shit! Shit!” I started chanting, while jumping up
and down.

Rayanne grabbed me and screamed, “Get it
together girl! Hannah, baby, I need you to do this for me. I can’t
keep worrying about you getting your shit together, so get it
together!” she yelled. What the hell did that mean. Is she that
worried about me? I thought I was doing pretty well, but guess I
wasn’t doing as well as I thought.

I looked at her and nodded. “I promise Ray,
honey, I won’t make you worry anymore. I swear,” I told her holding
my tears in.

I turned from her, and with every ounce of
strength in me, I started walking towards the door. I looked
through the peephole, and sure as shit, Zane was standing out
there. “I will not let Rayanne worry about me anymore,” I told
myself.

I grabbed the handle and opened the door, but
before I could even open my mouth to say anything, Zane had his
arms around me. I was instantly sent to the best and warmest memory
of my life. A hug from Zane Edwards is perfect.

“Shit, Hannah banana split! Why the fuck did
you run like that from me?” he asked me.

“Um, um,” was all that came out of my
mouth.

“Hannah, I have missed you so much,” he told
me.

I couldn’t believe he said he missed me. A
little stunned, and then pissed, I shouted, “How can you miss
somebody when you are the one that fucking leaves?”

He stared at me silent, not having a
comeback. “You left me, Zane, sitting on a fucking porch waiting
for you! I know we were going as friends, but you could have still
gotten a fucking blowjob if you picked me up!” I yelled. I waited
for him to say something, because he never knew I saw him with
Nikki that night.

“God, Hannah. I am so fucking sorry. I
thought with my dick, and I left the most important person in my
life. When I came time to apologize, I chickened out. I wanted to
see you so many times, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to face you
and see the hurt I see now,” he told me.

“Zane, you know that if you would have talked
to me I would have forgiven you. Instead, you left me. You fucking
left me! You knew what my life was there, and you knew what she did
to me! You were the only one I could talk to about that shit!” I
yelled.

Zane walked to the couch and sat down. I
looked to see Rayanne’s face, because I knew she wouldn’t be happy
that Zane knew stuff she didn’t. I could already see the hurt in
her eyes. Well, I guess I am going to have to deal with that
tonight, too. I followed Zane to the couch, sat next to him, and
saw that he was crying. What gives him the right to cry?

“Why are you crying Zane?” I asked him. He
looked at me and had this look in his eyes that he wasn’t going to
be honest with me. I could still read him, just like when we were
younger. I didn’t know if that made me happy or sad. All I knew is
that I missed him.