Andrew touched her shoulders. “You love him.”
Sabine nodded. She sniffed, wiped away a tear. “I’m not supposed to show emotion.”
Andrew huffed. “Because bottling it up inside is so much better? You love my son. You tell him. Give him that, at least. When he’s better, you see where things are at. Can you do that?”
She wasn’t sure. It would mean being with Doug while he recovered, knowing she was going to walk away as soon as he was well again.
When she finally left this time, it would be so much harder for her. Doug could go back to his life physically recovered, and have the opportunity to be the career soldier he was meant to be. He might regret the loss of their relationship for a while, but eventually he’d find someone new.
Her heart tore open.
She shut her eyes. No more than a couple of weeks. Just long enough to make sure he was okay. In the meantime she would put her feelings aside and focus on helping him get better.
Sabine raised her eyes and looked at Andrew, hoping he didn’t see the truth. “I can do that. I can give him time.”
It didn’t matter how much she loved him; he couldn’t know. Not if it meant he was going to throw his life away.
NINETEEN
A
ndrew put the car in Park outside his home, and Sabine got out. Doug stepped carefully down the stone steps of the porch, his face lined with pain. She had hoped for more time to prepare before she saw him, time to get her thoughts and her heart on board with the plan. Too bad that wasn’t going to happen.
She would be here for however long it took him to get back to full strength and see that the right decision for him was to stay with the army. It would take everything she had to keep her heart in one piece.
Doug stopped at the bottom step, and she didn’t wait for him to come to her. Andrew passed by him and squeezed his shoulder, but Doug’s eyes never left her. She remembered the way he’d shaken his head at her in the hospital, and this time she went straight into his arms. Sabine encircled his chest lightly, so as not to hurt him, and burrowed into him with her face in his neck.
“I love you.”
Sabine burst into tears. She loved him, too, but she was going to walk away. There was no doubt in her mind that, despite the fact they loved each other, she wasn’t the woman for him. The woman he married would support him, not get him shot and tear his life apart. It was better to cut the ties as soon as he was recovered, instead of getting in any deeper than she already was.
Sabine sucked in a breath. The CIA might have let her go, but it wouldn’t be long before they considered her too much of a risk to be walking around. And there was no way she would let Doug get caught up in that.
She pulled away, wiped her cheeks and forced herself to let go of him. “You should be resting.”
His eyes narrowed, but he didn’t say anything about the distance she put between them. “Don’t start. I have enough babysitters. I don’t need one more.”
“Too bad, because that’s exactly what you’ve got.” Sabine linked her arm with his and turned them to the door, but Doug held still.
She looked at him. “What is it?”
He studied her for a moment and then shook his head. “I was about to ask you the same thing.”
“Doug—” She hated that she was playing this game. “I’ve had enough interrogation to last me the next ten years.”
“So I’m not allowed to ask you anything?”
She let go of him. “I don’t want to fight with you. That’s not why I came here.”
He looked at his sneakers for a moment and then back up at her. “I’ve been dreaming about this moment since I woke up in the hospital. I have to admit, I had a different picture of what our reunion was going to be like.”
“Sorry I disappointed you.”
“Are you really? I just told you that I loved you. Is there anything you’d like to say to me?”
Sabine swallowed. Apparently when she thought she could do this, she hadn’t realized it would be the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life.
It’s just another mission.
That didn’t help. It was impossible to convince her heart not to break a little more every time she looked at him. They could never be together.
“I do love you.”
It took everything she had to admit that out loud.
“Then why do you look so sad about it? What happened to you, Sabine? What did they do to you?”
He was right. Something had happened to her. Sitting in that interrogation room recounting everything she’d ever done as a spy, Sabine had realized that nothing about her was real.
For too long she’d played a part, never genuinely opening up and certainly not living life to the fullest. The missions she went on amounted to lying to get what she wanted. When she came home, there was little that was different. She’d lived a role with Maxwell, too, trying to be the perfect wife...at least until it all fell apart.
She kept herself removed from everything and everyone, got lost in books because it was a way to escape the pressure of trying to be...normal. Which was something she wanted more than anything else.
The only person who’d ever seen the truth was her brother, and he was gone. She hadn’t thought it possible, but this man in front of her made her want to be real—to live.
God, give me the strength to do the right thing.
Doug touched her cheek, his hand sliding back into her hair. Sabine closed her eyes, felt the tickle on her cheek and realized she was crying again.
His lips touched one cheek and then the other, but the tears kept coming.
“Sabine—”
She shook her head. “Don’t.”
He kissed her—so softly—on the lips. “Tell me.” His forehead touched hers. “Tell me.”
She should have known he would never let her get away with it. Doug was the last person in the world she wanted to know how she really felt, the one person she wanted to guard herself from. He was the only person who could see the truth she hid behind her eyes.
She sucked in a breath. “Please don’t make me do this.”
She knew how he would feel when she walked away, because it was the same way she would feel—completely and utterly torn apart. They both needed to be strong.
Doug stepped back, and Sabine opened her eyes to the disappointment on his face. That hurt, too, but the only thing that was important was his recovery.
“I’ll give you time. You can tell me when you’re ready, but you will tell me.”
She nodded.
Doug turned away and walked inside, taking her heart with him.
* * *
The movie credits rolled, and Doug looked over at Sabine, beside him on the couch. Lamplight illuminated the lines of her face, her closed eyes, the slow rise and fall of her breath as she slept. He stretched; the pain in his chest was a sharp ache but he didn’t want a cloudy head from the medication.
Why was she was so hesitant to accept what was happening between them? What had the CIA told her? She was holding back everything, but why? Doug ached to make her tell him what the problem was, but she had to work it through in her mind before she could come back to him.
Her eyes flickered open. “I honestly thought you were dead, you know.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“Not half as sorry as I am. This was all my fault. If it wasn’t for me, you’d never have been shot.”
The look in her eyes broke his heart. “Like you could get rid of me that easily?”
She got up. Doug followed her into the kitchen. “Sabine—”
“Don’t.” She filled a kettle with water and set it on the stove. “It doesn’t matter.”
He laughed. She didn’t mean that. Not when everything in her stance said she wanted to touch him, have him hold her again. “Because I’m not dead?”
“Yes.”
Doug put his hands on her waist and turned her to him. “I’m sorry I joked about dying. You said you love me. You’ll have to forgive me, because I’m going to be very happy about that.”
“I said it doesn’t matter.”
“You can try to convince yourself of that all you want, Sabine, but it matters to me. It matters a lot.”
“Why? There’s no point. This can’t go anywhere.”
He knew she believed that, but he also didn’t care anymore. “The fact that you think it can’t go anywhere means you’re acknowledging that there is something between us. I can work with that. All I have to do is convince you it’ll be worth it.”
Sabine didn’t speak, so Doug gave her a small smile. “When you know what I see when I look at you, and what I feel when I touch you—” he took her hand “—then you’ll be as convinced as I am that, while this might not be easy, it can be great. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, Sabine. I’ve got all the time in the world to wait for you.” He waited a beat. “What do you say?”
“I say okay.”
His smile stretched. “Okay?”
She nodded. “I’m willing to let you convince me.”
He leaned in to kiss her, but she sidestepped him and smiled. “Not like that.”
“Why not?”
She dropped her hand, but he held it, not ready to let her go. She had the cutest look on her face, like she was trying hard to be serious.
“A kiss is not
convincing
me, it’s swaying me to your way of thinking.” She frowned. “When you kiss me I can’t think straight. It’s too easy to forget—why are you smiling?”
“Because I like hearing you say that.” He squeezed her hand. “You make me happy. I like knowing I have an effect on you, too.”
“There’s a lot we have to work through, but I don’t think there will ever be a lack of feeling between us.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Sabine.”
Doug settled for a kiss on her cheek. He didn’t want to push her but still felt like he needed to stake a claim—a claim that would hopefully pay off with a relationship. The more time they spent getting to know each other, the stronger the foundation of their relationship would be later.
Her shoulders slumped and she frowned over the tea pot. When she yawned, his heart felt like it would burst. The woman was wrung out, physically and emotionally.
“Where’d your dad go?”
Doug leaned against the counter. “He took Jean to dinner. He wanted to give us some space—”
There was a short hum, and the power went out.
Sabine gasped. He reached out, found her shoulder and gave it a pat. “There’s a flashlight in the cupboard beside the trash. Stay here, I’m going to go check the breaker.”
* * *
Sabine found the flashlight where he said it would be and scanned the kitchen. The light illuminated a figure clad all in black, wearing a matching balaclava, who must have breached the general’s security system. He was across the room by the back door. He looked like the same tall, wiry guy who’d been searching through Ben’s room.
He raised a handgun and pointed it straight at her.
Of course the CIA would send someone to silence her. She just hadn’t thought it would be this fast.
Before he fired, Sabine clicked off the flashlight and dropped to the floor. The gunshot illuminated the room around her. Surrounded by dark again, she crossed to the intruder. Retreat might be the gut reaction of the average civilian, but she had been trained to go toward danger instead of away from it—however unwise that might be.
She followed the sound of his footsteps and came up behind him. This needed to be finished before Doug came back from wherever the breaker switches were located.
She went for his head. An elbow flew back and connected with her temple. The pain was blinding, but she forced it away and kept a lock on the senses that told her where he was.
He slammed into her.
Sabine deflected blow after blow and managed to knock the gun to the floor, but this man was well trained and stronger than her. A brutal punch made her fall to her knees, and she fought away the instinct to panic. How had she ever managed to convince herself that dying was no big deal?
The intruder tackled her. Sabine shoved at him, but his hands grasped her neck and squeezed her throat shut. She groped for anything to use to defend herself...her fingers closed around the warm metal of the gun. She whipped it around and aimed dead center, but he knocked her arms away.
Then he was pulled off her.
Doug kicked and punched the man, his face bathed in rage.
Sabine grabbed his arm. “Stop!”
Doug froze.
“He’s out cold.”
The intruder was slumped at the bottom of the wall, unconscious.
“I’m okay.” Sabine touched the sides of Doug’s neck. His pulse was racing. “I’m okay.”
Doug touched his forehead to hers and blew out a long breath. “This time we’re calling the cops.”
Sabine smiled.
* * *
“I’ll give you some time.” Colonel Hiller stood with his back to the railing, facing Doug. “You shouldn’t rush into a decision like this. Retirement isn’t easy. I’ve seen guys make that mistake. They wind up wasting time, and then they sign up again, but it’s never the same.”
Doug shifted on his seat and winced at the shard of pain but tried not to be obvious about it. He was saved when Sabine came out and laid a tray on the table with two steaming cups of coffee and a plate of cookies.
She didn’t meet his eyes, just set it down and walked away.
Colonel Hiller said, “Are you sure this is what you want?”
Sabine hadn’t spoken a word to him in the two days since he subdued the intruder in his dad’s kitchen. That had been a fun conversation with the police. This whole thing was driving him crazy. Right when they were getting somewhere, some guy had broken in, and she had withdrawn into herself again.
Doug sighed. “Yes, I’m sure.”
Was he?
Despite the distance she’d established between them, he was still certain she was the one for him. More certain than ever, even when he saw the conflict in her eyes. Beside him every minute, she was there to help with whatever he needed—except when what he needed was her. Then Sabine shuttered herself behind defenses he couldn’t penetrate.
He could get past any obstacle he was faced with. Why not this? His training should count for something. Yet when he needed some hint of what she was feeling, she refused to give anything away.
Doug looked out over the lawns of his father’s expansive yard. Doug had wanted to believe he could have his current way of life...and Sabine. The dream had to be possible, or else what had he been fighting for all these years? But something told him that his tenure with the army had come to an end.
What if God had a whole other plan for Doug?