Crushed (12 page)

“So
your mind is made up, you made this decision, you didn’t consider me. Not
really and you made this choice without even asking me about it?” I ask.

“This
is my fucking life Emmalyn, my job. I have been looking for huge roles like
these since I started 10 years ago, I make good money, but this will be insane
amounts of money and it will put me on the map. I love you baby, why do you
think I was so upset when I first found out. That is why I was freaking out.
I’m not cheating on you, it’s just for photos and press releases, and we aren’t
actually going to be dating.” He tries to reason with me

“Okay.”
I say

“Okay?”
he asks

“Yup
Ryan, okay.”

He
looks confused

“Whatever
works for you, I am here to make you happy. That’s my whole purpose in life, so
I am going to go and do some laundry so you have clean clothes to wear. I know
that makes you happy too. I will head to the dry cleaner and pick up your tux
for tomorrow night. I am also going to get some coffee. You go pack your stuff,
your plane leaves at 6 so we will need to leave for the airport in about 2
hours.”

I
stand up to walk towards the laundry room. He grabs my arm but I yank it away

“Ryan,
I love you. I do… Really. But right now, you need to leave me alone. You just
basically told me your job means more to you than I do, and I will be okay with
that. But right now I need a few minutes without you telling me you love me and
how okay this will all be.”

I
didn’t wait for him to respond. I went into the laundry room, slamming the door
behind me and falling to the floor crying.

I
heard the sound of smashing glass in the living room. He had no right to be
angry. He was basically willing to throw me aside to make a few extra bucks.
How was that okay?

I
tried not to talk to Ryan before he left. He seemed sad. When I came out of the
laundry room, he was in his home gym bench pressing, with his loud music on. I
knew he was mad. But he had no right to be upset with me.

I
walked into the living room and noticed a huge hole in the wall. That must have
been the crashing noise I head, he probably threw something. Mature

When
he came down stairs, he was showered and carrying his carry-on bag. His big
suitcase was all packed, I finished filling it earlier with the clean laundry.
He would be gone for a week. Promoting the TV show and his new girlfriend. I
put a box of condoms in his suitcase with a note that read ‘just in case your
agent also wants you to have sex, be safe. I don’t know that the world is ready
for more Ryan’s just yet –Emmalyn.’

Maybe
not the most mature thing, but who gives a shit.

I
knew he would be pissed, I meant it to be funny, but now that he was standing
in front of me looking sexy as hell. I was regretting my joke. I didn’t want to
tempt him to use them. Oh God what if he did?

I
pushed the thought out of my mind, he told me he didn’t care about her. I just
had to trust him. Yes I was angry at him for this whole thing, but I knew that
this wasn’t his idea. He didn’t do well telling people no. I mean look at the
Holly situation, he didn’t want to hurt people. He wanted to further his job
and again it wasn’t like he was really with Katie, he was still married to me
and that meant something to him, I knew that.

Before
we got to the door, he stopped me grabbing my hand gently

I
was already on the verge of tears, when I looked up at him he had unshed tears
of his own “I’m sorry baby, I wish there were a million other options. This is
killing me, I want the whole world to know that you are mine.” He said pulling
me into a hug.

I
could hear him smelling my hair, he always did that. He loved the coconut
shampoo that I used, he said I always smelled like sun tan lotion, which was
one of his favorite scents

“I’m
going to miss you, this whole thing will be over before you know it. I
promise.”

I
looked at him “I know Ryan, and I am trying to be strong for you, but I just
need you to promise me that this is all pretend, you won’t do anything to hurt
me.”

He
looked at me, “I promise baby this is the only time her and I really have to
flaunt it, so once we get through this week the rest will be speculation and
tid bits in interviews.”

I
nodded my head in understanding. This was the only time they would be out and
about together outside of at work. I could do this.

“I
love you” he said still hugging me

“You
too.” I told him, reaching up to kiss him. He deepened the kiss, so much
emotion “God I hate this.” I said stepping away

He
frowned at the disconnect but straightened up “me too.”

I
drove him to the airport. I couldn’t get out with him. There would be paparazzi
waiting for him, because everyone knew about the press week he was on his way
to in New York. Jason was flying in a few days later to be with him, help him
out and I was going to stay with Lacey and help her with Mason and have sister
time.

“Bye
baby” he said, kissing me long and hard before getting out.

I
felt the tears streaming down my face so I turned away. Pulling away as soon as
he shut the door. I looked back at the rear view mirror and noticed he was
facing me, watching me drive away.

That
made it worse.

The
tabloids were running rampant. They were vicious little people. All speculating
on what the new Hollywood “It” couple were up to. They followed them around, so
there was no shortage of pictures. Ryan and Katie holding hands. Katie looking
up at him with pure love in her eyes. Ryan returning it, not quite love in his
eyes, but something.

I
called him on the third night. I told him the photos were really convincing and
he seemed to be in a bad mood.

“I
don’t know what you need me to say Emmalyn.” He sounded annoyed to even be
talking to me.

“Are
you busy, I can let you go?” I knew he was just sitting in his motel room, it
was later in the evening in New York, but I didn’t think it would bother him
for me to call him. We hadn’t talked much since he left, which bothered me. He
sent flowers though. 5 dozen tulips night one, lilies the next, roses one night
and each had a note that said something sweet like “one flower for each time I
missed seeing your beautiful face.”

“Yeah,
I really don’t have time for this shit.” He replied

“Oh,
yeah I don’t blame you at all. Go be with your girlfriend, this shit as you
call it, won’t bother you anymore.”

I
hung up

He
called back.

I
didn’t answer.

36
missed calls when I woke up the next day. I spent the night with 3 bottles of
wine and a string of really cheesy romance movies.

I
called Alex and he came over to hang out with me. I knew how Alex felt about
me, but he was able to push that aside and be my friend.

Alex
was sitting in the living room when Ryan called again

I
decided I should probably answer it, so I told Alex I would be right back and
went upstairs to our bedroom

“What
the fuck took you so long Emmalyn?” He was angry. Oh well I thought

“I’m
busy, is there something you needed?” I responded

He
said nothing

“I
told you, we just have to get through this week and it will be all done. I
thought you were going to spend time with Lacey and Mason?”

“I
am, but not until Jason heads your way, he leaves tomorrow night to join the
happy couple.” I explained, lacing my words with sarcasm

Ryan
groaned

“Ryan,
do you have feelings for Katie?”

The
question I have been wanting to ask for a while now, and never felt like I had
a right to.

Ryan
said nothing for several moments

“Of
course I care, I have feelings for her. I spend 16 hours a day with her, but I
chose you. I chose you and all this bullshit and everyone else can go fuck
themselves. Yes I like her, if I wasn’t with you I don’t know what would have
happened, but I am with you. I put my ring on your finger Em, not hers.”

“Is
that supposed to make me feel better Ryan? You are telling me you have feelings
for her.”

“Not
feelings like I want to be with her, but she’s sweet and a bit crazy and I
would be lying to you if I didn’t tell you that I don’t totally hate spending
time with her. But I married you, stop trying to make me out to be this big
horrible guy. I am not cheating on you.”

“Not
physically Ryan.”

“No
Em, not at all. I don’t like her enough to sleep with her, I don’t like her
enough to even think about cheating on my wife to be with her. I like her as a
friend, and even that is a bit iffy at times because of how much I love you. I
don’t want her, if I wanted her, I wouldn’t be with you and I don’t plan on
ever
 not
 being with you. I need you to trust me, I need you
to know that I love you more than everything.”

“I
do trust you Ryan, I didn’t go with you when you flew up there. I am trying. I
really am.”

He
paused taking a deep breath

“So
what are you doing tonight?” he asked

“I
am hanging out with Alex, we are watching movies, and I just ordered some food.
Tomorrow I am going to stay with Lacey until you come back.”

“What
the hell is Alex doing there?” he asked

“We
are friends Ryan, he is hanging out. You have to
trust
me.”

I
heard something being thrown across the room. I don’t think he liked having his
own words thrown back at him like that.

“I
do trust you Em, it’s him I don’t trust. You think I like seeing my best friend
in love with you? Knowing that he is dying because he can’t be with the girl he
wants. Why do you think he doesn’t date Em? Because he wants you so fucking bad
the very thought of being with anyone else is too much I know how he feels. I
know exactly how he fucking feels. I hate him for it. I want to blow his
fucking brains out each time I see him, just because he has those feelings. I
don’t trust
him.
”

“Ryan
I love you, I think you need to take a step back and think about everything
dramatic that has happened since you and I got together, there was Holly, Katie
trying to fuck you in my bed and now this whole bull shit relationship. Alex
and I have never done anything. You have no right to have those kinds of fears
because I have been nothing but the perfect little secret wife.”

“I
know” he says quietly. “I really am fucking this all up aren’t I?”

“No,
you aren’t, but you need to stop all this shit, because I really just can’t
deal with it all.” I tell him

“I
know, I am doing my best.” I know he is.

“Alright,
well I will let you go, Jason will be there tomorrow but can you call me before
you go to bed?” I ask

“You
got it babe, I love you.” He says

“Love
you too.”

I
head back downstairs to see Alex still sitting there watching TV

He
doesn’t ask me about my conversation with Ryan. I like that.  He doesn’t
pry even though he knows what is happening.

We
eat, watch TV and say nothing for the rest of the night.

Perfect

Ryan
didn’t call me back the next night.

The
next day I headed to Lacey’s I was staying with her while Jason was with Ryan
in NYC. Mason and I were swimming in the pool. At 4 months old he was starting
to show off his personality. He’s hilarious. He laughs a lot. He isn’t crawling
yet, but he rolls over. And it’s the cutest thing ever

Lacey
has been giving me a ton of practice with Mason, more so than normal that day
we went to the doctor because I was having cramping but my period was late.

I
found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was pretty excited, even with
everything I was dealing with, with Ryan I knew he wanted a baby and since I
met Mason all I could think about was being a mommy someday too. I didn’t think
it would happen so soon, but there it is.

Mason
and I were hanging out in the pool and chatting about Uncle Ryan and his new
cousin, he had no idea what I was saying, but he was watching my face with so
much intent like he just wishes he knew what I was saying because he knows it’s
important.

Lacey
gets a call. She was sitting at the table reading one of my books on my kindle.
She doesn’t normally have time to read, and clearly she is into whatever she is
reading because she takes a while to answer the phone.

I
watched her face as she spoke to whoever was on the other line. She didn’t look
happy. She looked up at me and motioned for me to come over

I
climb out with the baby, and hand him to Lacey who hands me the phone, its
Jason she tells me

“Hey.”
He said “Um, you need to come out here.”

“What’s
wrong?” I ask

“Ryan
is drunk, really fucking drunk. He has been since I got here, some shit went
down and... He needs you. He doesn’t know I am calling you, but you just need
to come out here now.”

There
is fear in his voice.

I
agreed to come out, Jason doesn’t give me more details, but I knew that Ryan
being
that drunk
was not good and Jason being scared was even worse.

Lacey
and I checked out flights. There was one leaving for NYC first class in less
than an hour. She rushed around and got the baby ready while I get dressed. I
didn’t have any luggage. Anything I need I could just buy when I get there and
knew that my husband is okay.

The
flight was going to be about 5 and a half hours. Which was long enough. As soon
as Lacey dropped me off, I headed through security. Annoyed with the long
lines. I felt like I just needed to be by Ryan’s side and it wasn’t happening
fast enough.

As
soon as I boarded the plane I checked my phone. I had tried to text Ryan a few
times with no answers.

I
fell asleep about 45 minutes after takeoff. Waking up just as the plane was
beginning it’s descent into NYC

I
caught a cab to the hotel where Ryan and Jason were staying

I
met Jason in the lobby who hugged me as soon as I saw him.

“Hey,
I got you a room key last night. I haven’t seen him yet this afternoon, he’s
been upstairs all day. His dad showed up the night I left LA to come here. He
said a bunch of shit about Ryan and he knows about you, so he told Ryan that
you were going to leave him when you smartened up. He told Ryan that he doesn’t
deserve you. Apparently he knows who you are, I think he has been following you
guys. Holly was mentioned as well, I have already talked to Alex.

I
only heard bits and pieces of what he was saying, Holly. I had no idea what she
has to do with this. I made a mental note to ask him later what that meant.

“He’s
been drinking heavily. He skipped his press event last night. Katie too.
Apparently he flipped out on his producer and Cindy, I have no idea if that’s
about the thing with you or just because he was drunk but I have to go in now
and talk to them and try and calm them down. They both want to fire him.” He
told me

I
took the key card from his hand and headed up to the suite at the top of the
building. It’s one of those penthouse suites that if you punch the card into
the slot in the elevator it takes you straight up, but you can’t get up there
without one.

I
checked my reflection in the mirror, and dabbed a little makeup on before
heading up. I didn’t know what I would be facing when I got up there, but I
didn’t want to look like I had been on a plane for nearly 6 hours either.

The
elevator doors opened and I was greeted with a huge open area. It was really
nice up here, but really big for one person. That’s when I notice that it was a
two bedroom suite.

I
walked to the one room on the left, but the door was open dresses thrown all
over the floor. I suddenly felt sick, Katie must be sharing the suite with him

I
looked across the suite at the other bedroom. This one had a closed door.

I
turned my head and pressed my ear against the door. I could hear a female
moaning, but that was it. I started praying that once again Katie was screwing
herself rather than Ryan. I twisted the knob to the door quietly, I didn’t want
whoever was in there to hear me.

My
prayers were ignored, as soon as I pushed the door open I saw Ryan’s back.
Katie was bent over the bed and he was fucking her from behind. He was silent
as can be though. Not a noise. When he and I have sex he is always groaning and
loud as hell. Right then he looked angry, and sad and almost uninterested.

But
he was still having sex with her, he was still cheating on me

I
gasped.

As
soon as I did he turned his head. It took him a second to focus on me, I could
tell he was drunk. Katie looked up to see me, a smile on her face like she had
won something.

I
looked to my left and saw a platter from their room service tray. I grab it and
crossed the room in 3 strides smashing her in the face with it. Ryan stumbled
back.

Katie
started screaming, blood poured from her face. She turned to Ryan

He
opened his mouth to say something to me, shock evident on his face, but I
turned and walk to the door. He began screaming my name

“Emmalyn,
holy shit. Please. Wait oh my god baby stop. What are you doing here?”

He
was trying to run to catch up with me, but he couldn’t even walk in a straight
line.

His
dick was still hanging out, not hard, but the condom is still on. I leaned over
and throw up in the trash barrel by the door.

Then
it hit me

I’m
pregnant. He was just cheating on me.

That
realization makes my heart split into a million pieces. I felt physical pain.

“You
promised.” I said no longer looking at him. I opened the door and walked out.
Entering the elevator. I clicked ‘close doors’ as he is came out with his sweat
pants on. He was still yelling for me to wait, telling me that he could
explain.

I
didn’t want to hear it. Nothing he could ever say could ever make that image go
away.

I
exited the elevator into the main lobby. As soon as I did I saw Jason, he
noticed my face and ran to me just before my legs gave out

“What
happened up there Emmy?” he asked. His hand brushed my hair from my face

“He
was having sex with Katie, Jason.”

“I’m
going to fucking kill him. I am so sorry Emmalyn, if I had any idea what he was
doing I wouldn’t have let you go up there.”

“I
know, Jason I need to go home, I need you to keep him away from your house, I
am going to pack my shit and move back in but I can’t see him right now. If you
can’t I totally understand I can go somewhere else, but I can’t take this
stress. Not with the baby.” I pause realizing he didn’t know I was pregnant

“You’re
pregnant?” he asked quietly

I
looked behind him and noticed Cindy walking up to us

“You
broke her fucking nose, you are the dumbest bitch. When are you going to
realize you are not good enough for Ryan, get your shit and go back to whatever
small town you came from? He’s a movie star, he can’t be with someone like
you.”

I
didn’t have the energy to respond, I just looked at Jason and turned towards
the front doors. I could hear him screaming at her. Telling her that she was
fired. I know Jason has the power to do that, but it doesn’t matter. Everything
she says is right.

I’m
not what someone like Ryan needs. Ryan needs someone cute and sweet like Katie.
Is she a good person? No, clearly not but she’s what someone in his occupation
needs. Not someone plain like me.

I
hailed a cab, climbed inside and told the driver to take me to the airport. We
pulled down the road a bit when I heard Ryan screaming, I looked out the back
window and saw Ryan standing in the middle of the busy street yelling my name.
He fell down onto his knees, Jason came running out and grabbed him. I couldn’t
watch any more. I turned around and let the tears fall.