Crushed (16 page)

I
couldn’t stop thinking about the pain in Ryan’s eyes when he realized I was
pregnant. I picked up the phone a million times to tell him that he was wrong,
to tell him that the baby I was carrying was really his. Ours. I couldn’t. His
choices were made, and I tried to keep reminding myself that being with him
again would only lead to heartache again. That it would be easier to feel it
all now and not when I was a mother, not when I had a child who needed me whole
and happy. Alex could make me happy. Not as happy as I would be with Ryan, but
happy. I loved Alex. I would try to make this work.

Lacey
called to tell me that Ryan wasn’t doing well. She explained why Ryan was
staying with her and Jason. He couldn’t be at the house that we shared. I knew
that was his reason. She asked me to talk to him. She said he was drinking
again, and he was pushing everyone away.

I
told her that I just needed some time.

I
knew he needed me, but I wasn’t ready to forgive him. I knew it was selfish
too, but I couldn’t just pretend that all this shit hadn’t happened. I wanted
him to know about the baby, but I also needed to do it in my own time.

A
few weeks had gone by, I wrote him a million letters. I figured at some point I
would leave one for him to read. There was just no way I could talk to him. I
wouldn’t tell him about the baby through the letter, but I would tell him how
he made me feel.

Dear
Ryan,

         
I find it hard to sit here and write you letter after letter. Throwing each one
away never sure of what I should say and when I say it, feeling like it’s the
wrong thing.

         
You hurt me. We don’t need to waste paper on that though. You know what you
did. I told you a long time ago that my deal breaker was cheating. On the day
that we were married you made a promise again to stay honest, you promised to
stay faithful and you didn’t. I understand you have been through a lot. I know
so much the pain of feeling like a parent doesn’t love you the way they should
feel like. I have lived that too. However I would never ever make a choice that
would through someone I claimed to love away.

         
You told me that you loved me. I fell head over heels in love with you the
moment I saw you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, have your
babies and just be with you forever. That all changed when I saw you and Katie
together in NYC. It’s unfair for you to be angry with me. I didn’t move on
while we were still together, that was you. You made your choice and it was
Katie, you are upset that you were caught. Just move on, clearly you need me to
reassure you that you did the right thing. You did. I will always love you, but
I can’t be with someone who would cheat on me and choose everything else over
me. I know you understand, just stop making me feel like this is somehow my
fault.

We
are going to see each other, Lacey and Jason are the only family that we have.
But Alex will be there too, you have to be willing to put whatever it is that
we had behind us. I love you, I will always love you, but this is what is best
for all of us. You can be with Katie, or whoever and live your life the way you
have always wanted to. I won’t get in the way of that any more.

I
burned that one too.

Nothing
seemed right.

I
had a few months to figure out how to tell him. As long as he found out before
the baby was born.

I’d
find a way to forgive him and tell him before the baby was born.

A
few weeks later, Alex and I had a fight.

He
wanted me to serve Ryan with divorce papers so I did.

Lacey
called to tell me that Ryan was freaking out when he got them.

I
made the mistake of telling Alex that maybe I should have waited a little
longer.

Yes
Alex and I had great sex and he treated me amazingly well. He was excited for
the baby, he started buying baby stuff when he wasn’t working with the club and
out on runs.

But
he didn’t want to hear about Ryan. I tried to explain that this was Ryan’s
baby, and that that meant that he had to know, and I had no intentions of
hurting him more than I had to.

Alex
wanted to get married as soon as the papers were accepted and the divorce was
finalized.

I
refused.

I
told him it had nothing to do with him, but that I didn’t think I would ever
want to get married again after that.

He
left for a week and stayed at the club.

I
called him all the time and begged him to come back, I told him that I might
change my mind, but I needed to have time between Ryan and marrying him.

He
ignored me. I knew I hurt him, but what about me?

I
was about to have a baby in 4 months, it was like he was so obsessed with the
idea of me legally belonging to him that he was forgetting everything Ryan had
put me through. Like the idea of not wanting to tie myself down to him with
another man’s baby was a selfish move on my part.

After
a week Alex came home to grab more clothes.

I
was laying on the couch, I hadn’t been feeling very well and I had a slight
fever.

He
ignored me when he came in, I ignored him too. He wasn’t going to shit on me
too. I have had enough of that.

He
kept looking at me when he came back down to grab some movies.

He
grabbed a bunch.

Finally
I got upset, I jumped up off the couch and grabbed a bag and started throwing
everything I owned inside

He
stood up and walked over to me “where the fuck are you going?”

“Don’t
worry about it Alex, this is your house. You stay here, I’ll go.”

“I
don’t want you to leave, I just needed a break.” He said

“Yeah,
well I am not your issue, you don’t have to leave your house to get a break,
I’ll just leave. I have seriously had it with people dumping all their life
shit problems on me. Ryan cheated when he couldn’t handle his dad, you run off
to the club with your little whores like I am some kind of an idiot and don’t
know what happens in these places. It’s okay Alex, unlike Ryan you have no
obligation to me. So I’ll go and you can go find someone else and marry her. I
am done with this.” I stood up heading to the door.

He
grabbed me and threw me up against the wall “You are not fucking leaving. You
are mine now, there is no one else. I am not Ryan, I am not going to fucking
leave you, but I needed 5 minutes because I can’t stand the thought of not
having you forever. It kills me that he broke you and now I can’t pick up all
the pieces because you won’t let me in.”

I
frowned. “I let you in”

“No
Emmalyn, you let me fuck you, you tell me you love me but we both know it’s not
the way you should.”

“Fuck
you, you don’t know what I feel, nothing is enough... If I won’t marry you it’s
not enough.”

“You
are totally fucking right about that one Em, you keep holding on for the piece
of shit who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, who left you alone and
pregnant while he ran to New York with his girlfriend, but what the hell do I
know I guess
that
is real love. He hasn’t even fought for you.”

I
slapped him.

He
punched the wall behind me

“Stop
being such a stupid fucking bitch, do you not realize how much I love you?”

“Yeah,
that’s one way to tell me. Calling me a stupid fucking bitch. Thanks Ryan.”

I
knew what I would do to him if I called him that.

He
staggered back like I punched him

His
eyes filled with tears

“Oh
come on biker boy, don’t you want to call me some more names. Tell me how
horrible I am for needing time. For not wanting to jump from one marriage to
another, come on Alex. Tell me what a bitch I am and how horrible I am for
doing this to you.”

I
didn’t give him time to come up with anything else to say

I
grabbed my bag and my purse and headed out the door.

He
ran after me. Yelling for me to stop. Telling me he was sorry. That he loved
me, that he just needed me.

I
had heard that before right? Ryan, Alex. Yup heard it before. But the second I
made one of them unhappy they would be gone.

I
jumped into my truck and started it. I checked my mirrors and noticed the black
truck sitting 2 houses down before I started to pull out slowly.

I
took one last look at Alex who was on his knees in the driveway begging for me
to stay.

I
reached the street and was about to put my car in drive from reverse when I
noticed the black truck coming my way, fast.

Then
everything went black.

It
happened so fast, I didn’t even see the truck speed toward Emmalyn’s car. All I
saw was the blur of black and the sound of crunching metal as the truck rammed
into Em’s side of her SUV.

I
ran to see if Emmalyn was okay, I couldn’t reach her on the driver’s side the
truck was smashed through the entire side.

There
is no way she could be okay.

Oh
my God.

I
felt the fear ripping through my body, I ran to the passenger side of the car
and tried to open the door, the impact crushed the roof down so I was unable to
get to her that way either.

I
grabbed my cell phone and called 911

As
soon as they were on the way, I started talking to Emmalyn. I didn’t know if
she could hear me, but I needed her to know that help was coming and that she
needed to hold on.

I
went over to the black truck and yanked open the driver’s side door.

I
was shocked when I saw the bleach blonde hair of the driver

Holly.
She was sitting there with a huge grin on her face.

I
yanked her by the hair and ripped her out of the truck grabbing my cell phone
with my other hand I called my dad

He
answered on the first ring

“Alex
what’s up?”

“Your
fucking slut ass daughter just rammed her car into Em’s, I don’t know if Em is
alive, the cops and ambulance are on their way, but you need to come get her.
Right fucking now.”

I
hung up, not waiting for him to respond

He
and a few club guys were there 5 minutes before the ambulance sirens could be
heard. They grabbed Holly and threw her in the back of the van. I would deal
with her later.

My
dad stayed with me until the ambulance got there. Helping me talk to Em. He
looked just as worried as I was, dad liked her. He was always telling me that
she and I would end up together sooner or later. Begging me to bring her by the
club more often.

God
she had to be okay. I couldn’t handle if something happened to her.

I
should have taken care of Holly a while ago. Why the fuck would she do this?

Ryan.

Shit
Lacey and Jason.

I
had to call them

As
soon as Lacey answered the phone, I forgot the speech I had planned

“Shit
Lacey, its Em, she’s been in an accident. It’s really bad. I can’t get to her.
The ambulance is on the way, but you need to meet us at the hospital.”

She
was screaming and crying, and I heard Ryan in the background trying to ask her
what was wrong. I hung up. I couldn’t deal with him.

As
soon as the fire department arrived and cut Emmalyn out, the ambulance took her
away. They wouldn’t let me ride with her, so I drove behind them

When
we got to the hospital Lacey, Ryan and Jason were all there. They were all
asking me a million questions.

But
their voices sounded foggy, the shock was setting in. My fear for Em was
pulling me into darkness.

The
doctor came out and asked for her husband.

I
knew they would do that. I knew Ryan would be the one who would have to make
all the choices. He was the reason Holly was after Em, she wanted him.

Holly.
I still didn’t know what we were going to do with her.

I
sat there watching the doctor talk to Ryan and the heartbreak on his face tore
me apart.

He
loved her.

I
mean I knew he loved her, but this wasn’t how a man who had been fucking around
on his wife because he was bored would act

This
is how a man whose heart was breaking, whose wife might die would act.

He
looked broken.

The
doctor said something about the baby and he looked at me

He
looked even sadder before he said “he’s the father doctor, you’ll have to ask
him.”

He
sat down resting his head in his hand

Shit

“No,
Ryan the baby is yours. She wanted to tell you. She just didn’t know how with
everything….You know that happened.”

His
head whipped up, and more tears fell from his eyes

“Oh
my fucking God.” He moaned, he looked sick

Lacey
rubbed his back and Jason grabbed his hand

“Like
I said, she has some internal bleeding we need to get in there and take care of
it, but the baby will need to be delivered. She’s about 26 weeks which is very
premature.” The doctor said “They are starting the surgery as soon as you give
consent. We will update you on her and the baby as soon as we have something to
share with you Mr. Alexander.”

Ryan
nodded his head but didn’t say anything.

The
doctor left and the four of us just sat there.

Jason
was the first to talk “who the fuck would smash into a pregnant woman and just
run off?”

I
looked towards Ryan, he still hadn’t lifted his head from his hands “It was
Holly” I said quietly.

He
looked at me. They all did

“What?”
Lacey asked

“Holly
was the one who ran into her. I didn’t know at first, I was so worried about
getting to Em, but it was her. Dad has her. They showed up before the cops did.
She didn’t even stop Ryan, she plowed right into her. She wanted her dead.”

“Seth.”
Ryan hisses

“What
does your dad have to do with this?” Lacey asks

Ryan
starts bouncing his leg up and down talking about Seth always put him on edge

“He
came to me in NYC, he asked me for money. I told you guys that he threatened
Emmalyn if I didn’t leave her.” He looked at me “That’s why I haven’t been
fighting for her, it wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was about keeping her safe
until I could get my dad taken care of.”

I
didn’t say anything

“I’ve
tried everything, I went to the cops, the FBI they couldn’t touch him without
evidence, and I couldn’t get that evidence unless I went near him and gave him
the money. I wasn’t going to do that. I have given him enough. So I told him to
get the fuck out of my life last night. He laughed at me and left. He’s the
reason this is happening. He must have gone to Holly, she’s been into hardcore
drugs the last few weeks.”

“What
the fuck are you talking about, why wouldn’t you come to me with this?” I asked

“Because
you were the last person I wanted to ask for a favor, I thought he would go
away, he always has but Seth is in debt with a huge drug lord that’s why he
needed the money, and he was after me. I think he went to Holly to come after
me, but instead she went after Emmalyn.”

This
was his fault. I wanted to punch him

“So
once again you are the reason she gets hurt. Only this time two people might
actually fucking die because you couldn’t deal with your shit.”

Jason
stood up and crossed the floor standing in front of me “that’s enough Alex. We
have stood by you and Emmalyn getting together, even though we knew that she
didn’t love you. We knew that she still wanted Ryan, but she couldn’t get over
what he did to her. She cared about you Alex, but she loves him. Ryan’s dad and
his fucked up actions can’t be held against Ryan. I told him not to give Seth the
money, I told him not to move on from Emmalyn. So if you want to blame someone
blame me, but if not get the fuck over your shit and let’s talk about how we
will deal with Seth.”

He
sat back down

“I’ll
go to the club. He has drug ties, we will find him and take care of him.” I
looked at Ryan “I’m sorry Ryan, I am. I am so sorry.”

Ryan
stood up and walked over to me. I stood up. I thought he was going to hit me,
but instead he grabbed me and hugged me.

“I
love her so much.” is all I can think to say

“I
know.” He cries

And
I feel like I have my best friend back. In the most fucked up and heartbreaking
of circumstances.