Crushed (7 page)

And
with that I led Alex to my room

Not
before I heard a crash and Ryan shout at Kelly “get your skank ass the fuck out
of here now”

As
she ran to the door I heard her say “you couldn’t even stay hard you fucking
loser”

The
door slammed

I
laughed.

         
I didn’t sleep with Alex obviously

I
had just met him, and I think we both knew that we were trying to piss Ryan
off.

He
didn’t seem to mind, he was actually really sweet when we went into my room

At
first I was a little worried that he was going to expect me to sleep with him,
but we just talked. Until about 4am

He
told me about his dad and his dad’s club. He wanted to join, but part of him
felt like he needed to stay out and take care of his sister Holley.

I
told him how I had heard all about her my first day in town and he laughed

“She
has a way of making great first impressions, I’ll give her that”

“I
don’t understand her obsession with Ryan”

Alex
didn’t say anything at first, thinking about his response

“Girls
love Ryan, he is a total player though, and most of the time they go in knowing
that he isn’t going to form some big romantic bond with them. They know he is
looking for a hookup and tells them up front”

“Holly
though, she grew up with Ryan, she thought he was this God when we were
teenagers, and when she turned 16 I think she thought that she was going to
make him fall in love with her. He screwed her and left her in the middle of
the night. When she woke up the next day she was screaming at me, like I made
him leave when I never even knew he was there. After that she started following
him around left and right. At first it was kind of cute, like it was her first
crush, we’ve all been there. But after a while we realized that it was much
more than that.

She
would drive by his house on the way to mine and knock on his door, if another
girl was there she would scream at her and accuse him of cheating on her. We
sat her down a million times and told her that Ryan just wasn’t interested, but
she always accused me of lying and said Ryan was just scared. I tried to get my
dad to help, but he hates Holly for reason I won’t get into tonight, but he has
to stay away from her. He gives her money, and she runs off and sleeps with a
bunch of college guys for weeks on end, but then she always comes back looking
for Ryan.”

“He’s
pretty fed up, I asked him why he didn’t get a restraining order on her” I tell
him

“I
have told him to do it, but I think that he feels like I would resent him in
some sort of fashion if she went against it and was locked up. He tried to help
me stay straight. I don’t think he wants to see me join my dad’s club, he’s
worried I would end up in jail. Which I would, I mean everyone does time at one
point or another, but Ryan has always tried to protect me. I think that’s just
who he is, but he doesn’t want to protect Holly, but he does it for me”.

“That’s
kind of sweet of him, I mean messed up that he puts up with it but he’s a good
friend” I say

“He’s
a really good friend, but I think you are changing that” he grins looking at me

“Why
is that?” I ask

“Because
he likes you clearly, but Ryan doesn’t do long term or relationships of any
kind, you are changing things for him and he hates change. So he’s just going
to keep fighting it off. The fact that I am in here with you right now is
clearly pissing him off. I have never seen him use a girl the way that he did
tonight. He wasn’t into what he was doing, he wanted a reaction out of you, and
he didn’t get it. I think he’s going to be pretty angry with me when I see him
next.”

None
of this makes sense. Ryan is a guy who I messed around with, I asked him to make
us something and he refused. That was his choice, the rest of this is getting
to be too much

“I
have given him a chance to make something out of what we have, it was his
choice to not date me. I can’t sit around all day and wait for him to change
his mind. The fact that he would use that girl in any manner at all means he is
not the guy for me, I want someone who can treat me with respect, not someone
is afraid to face his feelings. He would never be able to treat me the way I
know I deserve.”

Alex
looks at me “You are probably right, I mean he is my best friend, but I don’t
like the way he acts out. It can be pretty exhausting when you have a crazy
little sister and a man whore friend.”

“I
couldn’t do it” I laugh

Alex
left a short while later, giving me a kiss on the forehead. Before he leaves he
looks at me “you are pretty amazing Emmalyn, I’ve spent the last 7 hours with
you tonight and I can’t imagine not knowing you a little more. No matter what
happens with Ryan, I would really like to be friends with you, if you think
that’s okay?”

His
eyes are brightened with hope, he wants to keep me around. He isn’t giving me
some bull shit about not wanting to date, he’s not asking me out, but he isn’t
trying to act like a douche either. “Of course” I tell him “I would love that
Alex”

I
lean up and give him a kiss on the cheek and he leaves.

Right
after he left I checked my phone before heading to bed. There was a text from
Ryan

R:
Can you work tomorrow morning?

E:
Sorry, just getting this. What time?

He
didn’t reply. I was lying in bed just about to fall asleep 30 minutes later
when my phone rang

“Hello?”

“Hey”
Ryan says, he sounds quiet

“It’s
4:30, what do you need?” I ask

“I
just wanted to see if you could come by at around 8. I have a bunch of errands
I need done and I can go with you so you know what needs to be done for next
time.”

He
called just to give me a time. Okay.

“Um,
yeah sure. I have to go to bed now though, I am going to be exhausted, I’ll
stop for coffee first, do you want me to grab you anything?”

He
paused again

“No
Emmalyn, I don’t need anything from you”

I
hung up the phone. I was too tired to deal with what sounded like sadness in
his voice. Wasn’t he the one who was sleeping with another chick right in front
of me only a few hours ago? Isn’t he the same person who said that he doesn’t
date pretty much telling me not to expect anything? I am not one of his whore
groupie girls. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel something for him, I
want him to change his mind, I want him to want me, but I know he doesn’t.

After
spending so much time with Alex tonight, I realized I liked him too. I went my
entire life with no boy problems and now I had two

I
grabbed a venti espresso drink at Starbucks the next morning before heading
over to Ryan’s. I had fun with Alex last night, but I was seriously paying for
staying up so late

Before
Lacey left for work, I told her about what had happened with Ryan the night
before. She didn’t seem surprised in the least with his behavior “That’s Ryan
for you” she said

When
I pulled up to Ryan’s he was in his home gym, bench pressing what I had to
assume was 3 times what I weighed the bar bells were huge. He was listening to
Nine Inch Nails on the stereo system, I didn’t think he would hear me come in.

I
took a second just to watch him. He seemed angry, he was grunting with each
repetition. Sweat soaked through his grey tank top, his legs were draped over
the side of the work out bench. He looked ferocious, not someone I would ever
want to make truly angry

“Hey”
I said as loud as I could over the music.

He
paused in the middle of his rep, and then quickly did 5 really fast ones.

“Hey”
he said, grabbing a towel hanging on the edge of the bench and wiping his face
before sitting up

I
waited for him to get up and tell me what he wanted me to do. When he sat up,
he just sat there staring at me.

“I’m
going to go drink my coffee in the kitchen, if that’s okay. You can just let me
know when you are ready to tell me what to do.”

I
turned out before he could say anything

About
15 minutes later, he came down stairs, fresh from the shower.

He
grabbed a bowl and a box of fruity pebbles from on top of the refrigerator.

“Really?”
I asked eyeing his choice of breakfast cereal

“What”
he said looking down at his bowl as he added a ton of milk

“That’s
what a guy who bench presses 300 pounds easy eats for breakfast? I thought you
would have some crazy healthy, flavorless egg whites.”

“No,
I eat what I want, I just work out enough that it doesn’t really matter.” He
says

“Ah,
well I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t want to give them up either even if it means
I could look like
that.”
 I said gesturing to him

He
laughed “well thanks, I think?”

I
smiled, looking down at my coffee.

“So”
He said, taking a chair next to me “I need to go to my agents office and pick
up the next script that is being offered to me, then I need to get my dry
cleaning and when I am done I need to head over and see my parents and bring
them some dog food for Riley”

None
of those sounded too hard

“Then
I need you to read this script with me and if I decide to take it, you can call
my agent back and let her know. Then you can help her figure out a time for me
to go audition, but Cindy doesn’t think I will be auditioning, which is why I
am getting a script already. They want me for the part, the rest is fine
details if I choose to take the role”

“Okay”
is all I say

We
head out to his Escalade. I’ve never been in one before, I know they are fairly
expensive, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so roomy inside.

Ryan
walked over to the passenger side with me and opened the door “It’s a high step
up there, I have larger tires than a regular SUV, makes me feel all manly”

He
reached for my hand and helped me step up into the truck as soon as I sat down,
I went to pull my hand away but he was holding it tighter, looking down at it
deep in thought

“Are
you okay?” I asked bringing his attention back to me

“Yeah”
he smiled “let’s get out of here.”

A
few minutes down the road, Ryan looked over at me “So, are you and Alex a thing
now”

“Why
do you ask?” I look at him

“I
just want to know” he says, shrugging his shoulders

“I
like him, we hung out all night last night. He’s a really good guy Ryan.”

I
glance over at him, and notice him squeezing the steering wheel a little
tighter

“What,
you asked me and I answered what is the issue?”

“Nothing
Emmalyn, are you going to have sex with him?”

What?

“I
hadn’t really thought that far ahead, I mean we hung out for one day, we aren’t
even dating, and I am not going to just let the first guy who makes me smile
between my legs.”

“You
let me in there, so clearly it’s not like you look for the best guys.” He’s not
looking at me

“Yeah,
I am starting to think that was a huge mistake Ryan, but by all means keep
rubbing it in and reminding me that I made a huge ass mistake in letting you
anywhere near me.” Raising my voice

“You
don’t get it, any of this do you?” he says

“Get
what, that I am not good enough for you, I got that. I also got that you gave
me the best fucking orgasm I have ever had and 10 seconds later made me feel
like a useless whore. Which apparently is the only kind of girl that you hang
out with.”

“I
want you Emmalyn. I don’t want girls. I need to fuck them, get rid of them and
then I am good. I have never needed someone. I want to be with you, but I am
the one who is not good enough for you. I don’t know what to do. I want to say
fuck it all and ask you to be mine, but I can’t handle knowing that I am going
to hurt you. Whether I want to or not it’s just who I am, I am a piece of
shit.”

Tears
well in my eyes, I have heard everyone close to him tell me about this Ryan,
the one who feels like he deserves nothing. The one who was broken down
emotionally by the one man in his life whose job it was to keep him whole

“You
aren’t a piece of shit, you just don’t have a whole lot of self-love. I like
you Ryan, I really do, but if you can’t be sure about me I don’t really
understand the issue with me being with someone else.” I tell him

“It’s
not you that I am unsure of, I know what I am feeling and it scares the shit
out of me, because I won’t survive you if I fuck it up, I know that and I have
only known you 6 months.”

I
don’t know if I should be flattered, if I should find some kind of compliment
in his broken answer.

“Why
don’t you just let go and live for once?” I ask him

He
pulls onto the side of the road

“Would
you do that?”

“I
do live, I am not hiding from anything”

“Yes
you are, but that’s not what I mean. I mean would you be willing to throw
caution out the fucking window and be with me, even if you knew that I might
rip you apart?”

I
looked out the window before turning back to him

“Do
you think you would do that…? I mean hurt me?”

He
nods “I don’t think I would mean to, but I break everything good that comes my
way. Could you handle that?”

“I
don’t know, but part of me really wants to try.”

He
smiles and leans over and unbuckles my seat belt, pulling me towards him

He
tucks my lose hair behind my ears and rubs his thumb down my bottom lip

“That
is the best answer you could have ever given me. I need you. I need to try
this.”

I
nod, and then he leans in and kisses me gently.

“Thank
you” he says

I
climb off his lap “Don’t thank me yet” I laugh

Part
of me feels like this might be a huge mistake, he was having sex with someone
else less than 24 hours ago. Just thinking about Kelly makes me angry

“So
what was the deal with that girl last night, why did you have sex with her?”

“I
was drunk, I think I drank half a bottle of tequila before I even made it to
Jason’s last night, and then when I saw you and how hot you looked when you
opened the door, I just couldn’t handle it. He watched you all night long, like
I always do. I knew that look in his eyes. He wanted you too. Part of me was
scared of losing my best friend over a girl, but more of me was scared of
losing you to my best friend.”

“So
that’s why you were plowing into her from behind because you were scared, right
in front of me?”

He
looks sad

“It
was that or beat the shit out of Alex, I had to hurt someone like I was hurting
watching you kiss him, I figured you didn’t really care.”

“I
did” I said quietly

“I
know, I’m sorry” he says reaching out and holding my hand

“I
have one rule if you and I are going to date Ryan, you can’t cheat on me… No
other girls, nothing like that can ever happen again.

He
looked at me, fear shining in his eyes “is that your deal breaker?” He asked

I
nodded my head “Do you have one for me?”

He
looked at me, then back through the windshield “Yeah, I do.”

“Okay,
what is it?”

“Alex”
was all he said