Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us (24 page)

Blake would find ways to argue with me or twist my thoughts, using blame tactics to justify his reluctance to separate, pointing to behaviors he felt
I
had shown that caused
him
to doubt that he should leave her and be with me. They were clever tactics. They made me fight to behave in ways that gained his approval. They kept me on the hook and exclusive to him while he was juggling Beth and me and buying himself more time. He put me on the defensive. He used my hurt as a reason to step back. We argued about things that didn’t seem logical.

I once received flowers at my office while I was away on an appointment with a client. My secretary had called to let me know they had been delivered. A few moments later, Blake called, and I answered my cell phone with a sappy, “Thank you, lover.” “For what?” he asked, and I said, “The office just called. I know you sent me flowers.” But his tone of voice quickly revealed that I had mistaken the identity of my admirer. When I returned to my office and read the card, it turned out that the flowers had come from a man with whom I had just finished a business transaction. Noticing that I did not wear a wedding ring nor were there any personal affects or signs around my office of having a serious relationship, he was expressing his interest. The card said he hoped I would entertain the idea of dinner with him, but if not, he asked for my forgiveness in presuming and thanked me for my service. I thought the effort adorable and flattering and felt embarrassed for the thoughtful gentleman. From Blake, what I got was rage and an accusation that I had encouraged the man, plus an attempt to dictate who I could do business with. “You seem to have a constant stream of dudes,” he said. “I’m just telling you what is unattractive to me. It’s also a good thing for me and you to check some of these things and people as I see necessary.” My argument was that I was a single woman who was not known to have a serious partner in my life. “You are top secret,” I shot back. “Remember? This is just another stupid excuse for you to tell me why you cannot leave your wife… because other men find me attractive, intelligent and of interest? When I am your wife or your public girlfriend, we can discuss this further.” It was circumstances like these that Blake used to excuse avoiding a divorce.

Struggling to keep two women happy, the husband tells both more of what they want to hear. He also uses them as a sounding board against each other. Blake expressed all of his negative thoughts about me to Beth, then he turned around and vented about Beth to me. He even told us the same things, using the same words. It made the lies easier to keep track of. Beth and I both felt we had an edge and a disadvantage. We were both wondering what was really happening. Blake was telling us both that the other was troublesome, that he was over the other.

The loss factor is ever constant in the other women’s thoughts. So caught up in the disaster that they fail to see the obvious, they decline what is most healthy. Simply put, they cannot think clearly. If one decides to get out for the sake of herself, the man finds ways to use reverse psychology to bring her back around and still hanging on. Blake wrote to me:

I
am
in
love
with
you
,
just
like
I
was
in
the
beginning
until
now
through
all
of
the
bad.
I
can
survive
the
breakup
that
you
are
insinuating,
but
I
don’t
want
to
do
it.
I
revolt
the
idea.
I
was
then
and
am
now,
totally
into
you.
I
guess
I
can
understand
if
you
want
to
let
go
as
you
said.
You
have
dwelled
so
much
on
the
past
and
I
guess
I
have
dwelled
on
the
future.
I
know
that
I
am
married.
There
have
been
so
many
days
of
bliss
that
most
of
the
time
I
feel
that
you
are
my
wife
for
lack
of
a
better
term.
It
is
you
who
I
express
my
emotions
to,
you
who
I
plan
things
with.
I
guess
that
I
don’t
fall
in
and
out
of
love
that
easy.
I
have
loved
you
through
all
of
this
and
I
have
never
talked
about
bailing
ever.
I
don’t
want
to
fight
with
you
honey.
I
love
you
too
much.
I
can’t
do
it.
I
wish
we
could
run
away
together.
I’m
sorry.
Will
you
please
forgive
me?

Wife and mistress both hold out hope that she is the woman he truly loves. He gives each of them a glimmer of promise or a show of evidence that she can count on him, and then he drops her again.

As
tumultuous
as
it
has
been,
isn’t
there
a
sense
of
overwhelming
calm
when
we
are
together?
I’m
going
to
stay
until
after
Christmas,
but
I
might
be
on
the
redeye
that
night.
I
am
done.
I
have
no
energy.
I
don’t
want
to
be
here.
You
tell
me
to
take
some
time
but
that
only
makes
me
wonder
that
you
don’t
want
to
be
with
me.
I
want
to
be
with
you.
Can
we
go
away
somewhere?

But instead of leaving Beth after Christmas, he took her to San Francisco for a shopping spree after New Year’s. When I could not handle being told one thing and then being harshly treated instead, I always explained away why I had to end the relationship. He used “reasonable” excuses to keep encouraging me to stick it out for just a bit longer.

He also did things to reassure Beth that he had no intention of divorcing her. At the same time, he used my discovery of some of those things as weapons. Remember the phone call I received from my friend Tony, who thought it was important to inform me that Beth had been visiting one of his co-workers and had displayed her new large wedding ring? My stomach dropped and I felt sick, but I knew it was impossible. Not the way he loved me! There could be no way! When I asked him for an explanation, Blake used every ounce of my inquiry against me. Tony was trying to sleep with me. He was making things up to destroy our relationship. My refusal to end my friendship with Tony was, Blake said, making him back off. That I would even ask or question him, he said, showed my insecurity and caused him to doubt our future together. He was afraid that I would never trust him, that I would never rid my life of these people that he wanted because they were causing so much trouble. He accused me of making things up and blowing them out of proportion. My “crazy” thinking was scaring him and making him wonder if I was really strong enough to be in a relationship with someone like him, who would be going through a shit storm to be with me.

One evening Blake and I were discussing our situation on my couch and I told him that I couldn’t handle the mess much longer. “That means that you don’t love me unconditionally
,
” he said. I responded, “If the condition is that I lose my self-respect, no, I don’t.” He appeared to be profoundly struck by my assertion and then shared with me a conversation that he’d had with Beth’s sister after the affair was out of the closet. He had asked her why Beth had stayed with him, and her sister had responded, “Well, Blake, some people love unconditionally.” From Blake’s perspective, I lost several points for dignity.