Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us (21 page)

~ 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Sometimes the wife is a woman he married in his youth. He grew, he tells us; he matured and came to be in touch with who he really is, whereas she did not develop alongside him. They are no longer compatible. She is no longer his equal. They have different needs, wants, and desires. She is no longer capable of stimulating him emotionally, physically, or intellectually. But, he asks plaintively, how can he just walk away from a girl he shares so much history with? One who depends on him? What would all their friends say? How would their families react? They would not understand, he continues, because they do not know what it is like to live in his home. They would think that he was scum. And what about the kids? He would ruin them, destroy their innocence, disrupt their lives completely.

Todd did not even mention his marriage to Christine. After he had courted her for several months, she woke the morning after their first night together alone in his house. He had left her to sleep in and jaunted off to work. As she pulled back the sheets and sat up and rubbed her eyes, she found herself staring right smack at his wedding portrait. In dismay, she phoned him for an explanation, but before she could get dressed and out the front door, he had arrived back at the house that belonged to him and his wife. He swore that he did not love his wife he only stayed because of the children and (you’ll never guess) the money. He had gotten so caught up in Christine as their friendship and attraction was developing that by the time he had to tell her, he was afraid he should have done it long before and didn’t know how to say it now. He gave a passionate story about falling in love with her and so, Christine reluctantly continued to see him for over a year. When she learned that Todd’s wife was expecting another child, he excused this as a “devious ploy” by his “sly spouse,” to whom he had said he wanted a divorce. Apparently the wife was so clever she was able to narrow down the exact moment of fertility, successfully seduce him, and thus trick him into another reason for staying. For the sake of millions of women who spend thousands of dollars at fertility clinics, I hope she shares her secret!

Because he is now mature enough to decide what really suits him, this poor man has
finally
found his dream woman, the other woman who meets his every desire. But he is trapped. Because he is such a kind and loving man, he is tormented by the hurt he would inflict on everyone connected to his marriage, especially his wife, whom he will always love in some way. But at the same time, he cannot stand a moment away from his lover! Whatever will he do? Oh, the grief, the torture of having so many complications in one life and everything he ever dreamed of in the other life. The other woman feels overcome with understanding. She pets and comforts this wounded puppy. It hurts her to see him suffer like this, and soon she is bound to him by her sympathy.

One the other hand, maybe he claims the wife is a selfish spoiled bitch who has no appreciation for her husband, who has given and given and treated her superbly. He has offered her the good life, but that good life is in ruins because she abuses him in every way with her sense of entitlement. She is such a hateful woman, so spiteful and mean, that if he leaves her, she will take his children from him or, worse, make them hate him. She is likewise sure to relieve him of any property, retirement account, or other assets they have accumulated together. And if that’s not enough, she will make everyone he cares for, friends and family alike, despise him. He will have nothing.

Another story a man will tell is that he was “trapped” into marrying her. She got pregnant, or they dated for so long she blackmailed him while he was still unsure of his feelings for her, or he was pressured to marry her by family or friends, who thought she was the right one for him. The world ganged up on him and made him doubt to his reasons for not committing to her. He thought he had to marry her.

What the man tells us is usually some variation of the above, or all of it. Either way, his life is just a mess that he is in the process of resolving… or he seems to be willing and wanting to resolve everything. What he really is, is (we believe) open to finding and experiencing
real love
. In fact, he’s longing for it! When we other women meet this married man, it’s like meeting a man who has been lost in the woods for days without food or water. He had been wandering through the wilderness, almost passively accepting his fate, until he stumbles onto a picnic table piled high with his favorite dish. Wow, this guy really likes the macaroni salad!

To summarize, we are led to believe that the wife is either a raving, controlling bitch or a weak, wimpy, needy woman who wouldn’t be able to handle life without him. He is imprisoned by either her hostility or her dependence. If he left her, she would either destroy him at the very heart of his being and do everything possible to make his life a living hell thereafter, or she is so delicate that the mere act of putting gas in her car without his aid is a task too overwhelming, and so if he left her, he would be leaving her for dead. In either situation, we are sad to see the cross he bares.

What he tells us about the relationship he has with his wife not only builds up our belief that we are not
really
sharing him with his wife but also creates the vision that our beloved is the true victim. What he tells us about his awful marriage makes us feel sorry for him. We yearn to comfort him. What he tells us about his feelings for us makes us believe we should endure every difficulty to come because he promises a better tomorrow. Men know how to feed women emotionally, and they do so with great skill in order to get what they need.

Blake flew me to Europe within two months of the beginning of our affair. Give a girl a break if she deduced that his marriage was dead! What woman do you know who would think nothing of her husband leaving for Rome for three weeks? By himself? Obviously, her husband lacked importance and wasn’t an overall big factor in her life. This was my logic. Every other woman I interviewed had her own justification for “logically” seeing the marriage of her lover as “dead.” I could not argue with their reasoning. None of us, or course, knew the other side of the story.

It is the forbidden element and lack of commitment that adds excitement to an affair. Add the fact that our culture feeds us fairytales that sell us on the belief that if we just find that one magical person, we will be happy forever. A woman involved with a married man typically comes to believe he is this magical soul mate. What the other woman can’t accept, is that he not only long ago promised his wife that she was his soul mate, but that he most likely still believes she is.

The other woman comes to believe that the man who has charmed and intrigued her is headed for certain divorce. His marriage is over and just a technicality. Nervous excitement takes over, just like it did the day the captain of the football team asked us to high school prom. There is something about this guy that makes him different from all of the others. He’s our “soul mate,” the kind of guy a girl wants to settle down with. He has all of the makings to become “the one.” He hones in on what he wants and he goes after it, with purpose and seemingly without games. He is relentless in his pursuit. He begins with flattery and showing a constant interest. His unusual amounts of attention are followed by pretty words that beat the heart. Blake emailed,
I just want you to know that I am so into you right now. I think about only you 24-7. We all have our pasts, but I see you in my future and the present is only good now because you are in it.

It is very common for a mistress to hear from her lover that his wife is an Ice Maiden. Of course she doesn’t know the other side of the story. She has not lived in the wife’s shoes for a great number of years to understand how bitterness has possibly developed for her as a result of her husband’s neglect. She has probably been hurting for some time due to her husband not giving the marriage the energy it deserves. As she begins to display these bitter characteristics, he uses her behavior to excuse his affair. He is not innocent in the matter and in fact, is just as guilty as the wife.

When a man has an affair, he disrespects the other woman. No matter how he makes her feel, she is second best. He hasn’t left his wife because he loves his wife. He is living his life based on the moment, surrounded by selfish feelings and not commitment. Lasting relationships take work and commitment, which he isn’t able to give. He lacks the skills to create a happy relationship.

I am (as most mistresses are) one of those “understanding” types, so when Blake told me how dissatisfied he was with his marriage and how he wanted to get out but was afraid to leave, I quickly searched my memory banks and found a place where I could relate to him. Not to have an affair, but to be a friend and offer understanding and suspended judgment.

I married young. We had a daughter and I adopted my husband’s two-year-old son, from a previous relationship after his biological mother had abandoned him. My husband was not a good spouse but, being so inexperienced, I had nothing to compare him to. He never participated in family events and was always gone, involved in his own various interests. He had bowling leagues, skeet-shooting teams, golf, fishing, and hunting, and they filled up almost every evening. I didn’t mind his activities much, except that I was always alone and never felt that I had enough help managing our responsibilities. I never had a real life partner. Men’s leagues are famous for their after hours beer sessions. This would not have been a problem, except that my husband was an alcoholic who relapsed all the time. Sometimes he exhibited aggressive behavior. Each relapse was followed by tremendous remorse, and he would go out of his way for a while to show exceeding acts of love. With each occurrence, however, his apologies were having less affect, and because the unpredictability of his behavior hardened my heart, our marriage lasted only a few years. I struggled with leaving him because I wanted my daughter to have the luxury of being raised by
two real parents
. Nor did I want to abandon my son. I would not be able to retain custody of him because there were no legal adoption papers signed by his biological mother. Finally, I knew that leaving my husband would devastate him, and I did not want to see him suffer the consequence of his actions in such a large and irreparable way. I felt that my desire to leave was extremely selfish. I felt that I should sacrifice my own happiness for theirs.

When I realized that I really wanted to divorce my husband, I went back to church, not because I wanted to learn to bow my head and obey God, but because I was raised with religion being a major influence and wanted to find the freaking loop holes. I wanted permission to get out! Not one of the religious personnel I counseled with gave me permission, so I felt trapped and tormented all the more. The Clash song, “Should I Stay or Should I Go,” played over and over in my head. I even caught myself singing it out loud while washing dishes from time to time.

It was with much fear that I finally did leave. I was afraid that I would regret my decision. I was afraid I would be punished for it. Every hiccup I had during the next few years led me to worry. “Here it comes,” I told myself. “My penance for vacating.” I was sure that my life would suffer, that I would be defeated and impoverished as a result of my “bad” decision. Caught in an upheaval, I was not equipped with the foresight to see that I was making the right choice for myself and my daughter, and maybe some way (I hope) for my son. The sin of leaving brought no repercussions, and I have never regretted my choice to leave my husband. That was more than sixteen years ago.

So, having left a failed marriage, I was able to relate to Blake’s plight. I just figured he hadn’t gotten past the part where we fear failure and regret and open our heart to what lies ahead.

Initially, I thought I had Blake pegged as the “exit affair” described in some of the books I had found on affairs. In the exit affair, the husband subconsciously wants to get caught. Though he may go to great lengths to hide the affair, he also leaves small, mindless clues. He uses the other woman as a catapult to get out. In theory, the man does not want to be the bad guy by sitting across from his wife and having to look her in the eye while she is being devastated when he says, “I don’t love you anymore.” He wants her to discover his affair and force him to leave.

When I was pissed to the ninth degree with my husband, I made a point to always attempt to look my best while I was screaming my face off (if I had time to think about it) because I had noticed at a very young age how ugly and unappealing a person becomes when they are enraged. Spit flies, noses crinkle, and hollering mouths contort to hideous deformities. When I was young I could tell the shit was about to hit the fan just by looking at my father. A monstrous vein in his temple would bulge to almost the size of a pencil. How much easier it is to be caught cheating and watch the wife turn hideous and display all of her “bitch” qualities. It would be much more difficult to watch her sob.

I came to believe Blake was an exit affair when I noticed that he was not careful about clearing out the evidence at the beginning of our affair. I sure as hell did not want to be exposed, so it was me who picked the long hair strands off of the bed and wiped my lipstick off the glasses. An exit affair seemed like a plausible assessment. I foolishly thought he would leave the marriage out of his own unhappiness and she would be none the wiser.

I was working from that plan!

Chapter 16
 

The Tumultuous Stage
 

As time went on, I decided Blake was the “fence sitter,” as also described in affair books. This guy lives in a constant state of anxiety and comparison. He cannot make up his mind. He cannot bear the thought of losing either his wife or his mistress. I could see Blake’s fear of losing his safety net. With Beth, he knew what he had, and when he considered a drastic measure like divorce, he could easily convince himself that the marriage wasn’t that bad, that she was a good mother and took care of her family. Staying with her meant he would not have to grieve after letting go or face a difficult life. He had a choice. He could continue in the marriage, knowing what to expect, or he could move away and into an intimate relationship with a woman who might be his “soul mate.” But there was no guarantee that his life would get better. What if he gave up everything to be with me and things did not work out? He would be alone! He would have nothing!

“I don’t expect you to sit around forever.” He wrote “my worry is to be left with nothing when the dust settles. It’s a friggin dust bowl right now. I’m hanging on to you for life support.”

Because we believe that our beloved is living in torment, we confuse his feelings of torment as a sign of him being goodhearted. We see a man backed into the corner, wretched with confusion, and we search for ways to relate to their troubles. My heart softened when I imagined my brother or step-son (my “good guy” references), both of whom are innately upright. As arrogant and cocky as they are at times, deep down (I know) they truly care when they have wounded a woman’s heart, and they are wounded, too. Through the years, both my brother and my step-son have brought girls into our family. We adored some of them, but with others we held our breath until the day they skooched her from our forced niceties. Many times, I watched my brother or step-son hold on to girls they had come to care for but knew she was not what they were looking for to share their life with. In essence, they knew deep inside that their current girlfriend was not “the one,” but they still held on because she was “nice enough” and they didn’t want to hurt her. My brother is a secretly sensitive soul. I can see the potential for him to unwittingly trap himself by not wanting to hurt a girl who loves him and will fall apart at the mere hint of his withdrawal.

My step-son loves his wife with innocence only the young can have. While I’m writing this, she is pregnant with their first child. One night, she and I were having a catty chat about a woman we knew who had let herself go. Every time we saw this woman, she was wearing dirty sweat pants, a T-shirt, no makeup, and ratty hair pulled into in a ponytail. Before her marriage, she had been a bubble headed cheerleader who dolled herself up regularly. She visited a group of young girls one evening and showed photos of her former self to them. “That’s what marriage will do to you,” she told them.

“That is what will get her divorced,” I said to my daughter in law. My son did not understand, and his wife tried to explain it to him. What, she asked him, if she were to gain 300 pounds and never put herself together? He was visibly confused, but with beautiful innocence said, “Well, I wouldn’t like it, but I wouldn’t leave you!”

I know my son. He really believed what he was saying. He cannot imagine never loving his wife. For their sake and their child’s, I hope he is right, but he is young and naïve and has yet to experience a lot of what life tends to hand us. I imagine what it would be like if my brother or son might come to me one day swallowed by the confusion that accompanies being torn between two loves. I’m sure pain, guilt, and fear would engulf them. Whatever choice they made, they would definitely experience grief at the end. It was with this image in mind that I was able to empathize with Blake’s situation.

It is images such as these that are self-created by the other woman and abetted by the cosmetic storytelling of her lover. Once we become convinced to set aside the rather large fact of the existence of a marriage, we become even more susceptible to delusion as he fills our ears with words that we want to hear and does thoughtful things that show that he means the words. That’s not to say that he doesn’t believe what he’s saying at the moment, but rather he is careless when he dumps his momentary thoughts. He does not understand the depth to which the other woman is clinging or reading into his words and how much hope she attaches to them. Blake once wrote to me,

I
am
on
your
side,
sweetie.
We
need
to
be
together
on
this,
we
just
need
to
be
together,
period.
Please
just
keep
being
you.
I
am
in
love
with
YOU!
You
are
so
awesome.
I
knew
I
fell
in
love
with
you
for
all
of
the
right
reasons.
This
is
just
a
chapter
in
the
middle
of
your
book.
I
think
you
should
write
it.

(He might think otherwise now.)

It was letters like these that I received during our affair, letters, e-mails, cards, and daily hour-long phone conversations filled with these sorts of sentiments that were powerful words to me. I had never met anyone who made me feel as if I made them so happy just by breathing.

I
can
just
sense
you
right
now.
Maybe
you
are
thinking
of
me.
I
have
had
an
awareness
of
you
that
is
very
curious
the
last
fifteen
minutes
or
so.
I
can
almost
see
you
clearly
on
the
horizon
of
my
mind’s
eye.

When I interviewed women who had been involved in an affair, each of them spoke of loving embraces and being told things like, “Why couldn’t I have met you before I was in this situation?” Or, “You are everything that I have been looking for my whole life,” or, “There is not one thing about you that I would want to change,” or, “I am such a lucky man, so fortunate to have someone like you.” They tell us we are their soul mates, we are everything that is missing from their lives. We not only bring them happiness, but we ARE happiness itself. Tom Cruise has just entered our living room saying “you complete me.”

When Blake was soft and emotional with me, there was no one like him in the world. I had never been with anyone as open and intimate. He met my need for intimacy at its deepest level. I believed that weathering a storm as his marriage ended would be worth it. I knew that marriage and togetherness were not always a fairy tale, that there would always be times that as a couple we would walk the rocky road. I knew that beauty would fade and money might go away and that life should be spent with a true companion who is your best friend. But until I met Blake I did not
know
what that truly meant.

Meeting
a
girl
for
the
first
time
, he wrote to me,
who
you
instantly
know
is
absolutely
compatible
from
the
second
you
meet
her
=
FORTUNATE.
Developing
a
relationship
with
said
girl
under
storybook
circumstances
=
A
GIFT
FROM
GOD.
Maintaining
the
precious
relationship
with
this
girl
despite
herculean
obstacles
=
FATE.
For
everyone
else,
there
is
emptiness.

Another woman I interviewed explained a lot to me:

He
might
tell
her
beautiful
things
that
she
wants
to
hear
and
maybe
he
treats
her
like
a
princess,
but
he’s
not
thinking
about
the
future.
Women
always
want
to
find
the one
,
so
they
generally
look
at
every
relationship
as
a
potential
future.
Man’s
nature
since
the
dawn
of
testosterone
is
to
get
a
piece.
They
want
to
have
a
good
time,
get
laid,
and
call
it
a
good
weekend.
For
him
to
get
to
the
point
of
making
a
commitment
is
usually
a
big
deal
to
him.
The
other
woman
is
not
about
commitment 
.
 
.
 
.
Maybe
the
marriage
isn’t
everything
that
he
thought
it
would
be.
It
rarely
is.
Marriage
takes
work.