Being The Other Woman: Who we are, what every woman should know and how to avoid us (23 page)

He puts himself in his own hell by refusing to take a time out from both women to examine his thoughts. Perhaps he should seek professional advice or come to grips with reality. Instead, he drags both women who love him into the pit alongside him. Both women, feeling they have something to lose, buy into any prospect of being able to retain him. He wants both women, so he starts juggling wife and mistress. In his guilt, he steps up his affection for his wife. He spends more time with her, opens his heart to her again, and makes the promises she needs to hear. He does special things for her, helps her around the house more, and reaffirms his commitment to her. He tells his wife his excuses for having the affair, but he uses the other woman as his scapegoat, saying that she tempted him and tricked him into continuing the affair long after he realized he wanted to break it off. For example, my friend Ian told his wife, Janet, that his mistress, Kelly, was threatening to tell her about the affair if he refused to spend more time with her. He realized what he had done, he lost control of the situation and was forced to continue giving in to Kelly for fear that Janet would find out and leave him. He turned Kelly into Glenn Close’s character in
Fatal
Attraction
.

The married man’s wife sees that he feels deep remorse and agrees to try to piece the marriage together and fence her family away from the psycho-woman. To his mistress, he explains that he is worried that his wife has lost it, perhaps she’s bordering on suicide or is hatching a plan to annihilate him socially or financially. He needs to watch over her a little more carefully. He asks his mistress to be patient while he figures out how to handle things. He also remembers to call her often, sends flowers, and buys her things during her period of saint-like forbearance.

I
thank
you
for
being
supportive
of
me
during
these
times
of
woe
and
want.
The
fat
is
indeed
in
the
fire!
My
gut
tells
me
to
not
let
you
go.
I
may
be
a
somewhat
sick
and
crazed
individual,
but
you
have
brought
sensibility
to
my
individuality.
I
consider
you
my
friend,
my
cohort,
my
colleague
etc.
I
want
to
be
with
you
because
we
are
a
perfect
match.
I
want
to
talk
about
our
daily
things.
This
is
our
us.
You
need
to
know
that
I
am
up
for
drastic
changes,
but
I
need
your
support.
I
have
been
threatened
with
divorce.
If
I
promise
to
take
care
of
you
and
the
kids,
could
you
move
to
the
beach?
This
might
be
too
much
for
you
to
handle
right
now,
and
I
understand
that,
it
just
happens
to
be
on
my
mind
right
now.
You
are
the
best
and
I
need
to
see
you.

Loving words like these from Blake lasted only so long. Soon, like me, the other woman will feel neglected. She is in a state of anxiety, unsure of what the future holds. During this time that he is consoling his wife the other woman wonders if he will be convinced to change his mind and abandon their love. “Strangely enough,” Brizendine says, “The state of romantic love can be reignited by the threat or fear of losing one’s partner—of being dumped. Being dumped actually heightens the phenomenon of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women. Moments of feeling as if your very survival is threatened occur, and a state of fearful alert is triggered in the amygdale. The anterior cingulated cortex—the part of the brain that engages in worry and critical judgment—starts to generate negative thoughts about losing the beloved.” In essence, the fear of losing love places the brain in a drug withdrawal state. “Rejection, it turns out, actually hurts like physical pain,” Brizendine says, “because it triggers the same circuits in the brain.”
⁷

The mistress begins to feel that her lover is being manipulated. She starts fighting for the relationship.

I sent frustrated e-mails to Blake:

I
have
been
miserable
these
last
several
days.
I
told
you
that
I
could
not
handle
the
drama,
the
angry
wife,
or
you
being
led
by
your
nose
to
hurt
me,
and
I
made
it
clear
that
I
will
not
deal
with
that
and
have
not
altered,
corrected,
or
changed
this
statement
of
fact
in
any
way.
My
attitude
has
been
that
of
a
very
confused
and
reserved
individual
who
doesn’t
know
what
to
do
or
think,
what
to
expect.
What
is
right?
I
am
emotionally
exhausted
with
no
one
to
comfort
me
in
any
way
while
you
comfort
her.
This
is
a
very
sad
and
lonely
feeling.
You
said
that
you
knew
that
you
could
not
make
me
happy
in
your
current
circumstance.
This
statement
followed
me
telling
you
that
I
would
be
OK
if
there
was
a
future
together.
Tell
me
where
I
am
inaccurate
here.

And he would reply,
I
thought
you
thought
we
had
a
future
together,
I
always
thought
we
had,
I
wish
I
could
hold
you
now.”
This left me just as confused as I had been with no real answer.